Doc Steve's Season Two Reviews

[docsteve]

EPISODE 201 - ROCKETSHIP X-M

David’s Review:

I’ll be up front; I’m sure I tend to overrate this episode. The shift from Season 1 to 2 is so dramatic that I can’t help myself. Kevin and Frank are now on board. Frank’s initial impact as a new “Mad” was much greater at the time, methinks. Kevin is almost doing Josh’s “Mighty Voice.” This was probably a case of first-time jitters, because it’s only in Rocketship X-M.

When I watch this episode today, the most striking change is in the host segments. They’re all funny; this happened once or twice in S1 (Project Moonbase and The Black Scorpion). Frank obviously brought a new energy to the show, particularly in Deep 13. The quirky chemistry between Trace and Frank developed overnight; they’re almost in full stride by Catalina Caper (#204).

I don’t want to undermine my point by waxing too philosophical about a puppet show. (I’m sure that I will, but I wanted to clarify that anyway.) Season Two is more “transitional” than it first appears. The infotainment shorts don’t make an appearance until X Marks the Spot (#210). Instead, we must content ourselves with another serial (The Phantom Creeps). Visual humor (a staple of S1) is still fairly common; it all but disappears by S3. Still, Rocketship X-M speaks for itself. This movie would not have worked in S1. It’s way too talky and claustrophobic. 95% of this film takes place in the rocket or in the crowded press room.

Dr. Karl Eckstrom has to be the most annoying Bland Scientist character, ever. Never has one man so calmly sentenced so many to fiery deaths, merely because he won’t admit that a girl is better at trigonometry. Crow said it best: “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of this guy’s boring speeches!” John Emery (Eckstrom) can’t touch John Agar, if only due to sheer quantity, but you will gain a new appreciation for the dynamic performances of Peter Graves.

Perhaps the funniest thing about this movie is Lloyd Bridges as Col. Floyd Graham. He does a decent enough job with the script, but what a role! Lloyd spends most of the film drooling over Dr. Lisa VanHorn (Osa Massen). Remember being 15 years old, trying to impress a girl, but you got so nervous that you just kept babbling on until your brain finally vapor-locked from the humiliation? That’s our dauntless hero, folks. Lloyd is almost disturbing; some of his stories have to be heard to be believed. (What in the @#$% did that Christmas tree bit have to do with ANYTHING!?!) Maybe if he had been taking care of business, instead of trying to peek down Dr. VanHorn’s jumpsuit, they could have spent all those wonderful hours together...

David’s Rating: 4.0 (FOUR CROWS). I was tempted to go higher, but then I would have to give almost all S 2-6 episodes at least four Crows.

David’s Suggested Stinger: Col. Lloyd: “I could tell you about a thousand wonderful hours we spent together, because I feel we would have...”

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EPISODE 202 - SIDEHACKERS

David’s Review:

Sidehackers was my first MST3K ep. For years, I thought I had watched its premiere (9/1990), but this would have been impossible, since I was at college. My sister must have taped it for me to watch over Christmas. At one point, Comedy Central played three MST3K episodes per day, but no one got the channel. Early on, people really were “circulating” tapes more than “archiving” them. Sidehackers is still one of my most viewed episodes.

I’m sure sentiment and a weakness for biker flicks play into my rating for Sidehackers, but this show still makes me laugh out loud. The host segments are all movie-related, and they literally rock. Nearly sixteen years later, I catch myself singing “Sidehackin’ Is The Thing to Do” and “Only Love Pads the Film” from time to time. Cambot’s only theater contribution in the history of the show deserves a mention. (The Sklar Brothers get a lot of mileage out of the “graphics” shtick on Cheap Seats, but BBI never used it again, if memory serves.)

This was a difficult review to write, because I almost have to justify my high rating. I’ll try. First, the main character is named Rommel, which is funny on its own, even without the George C. Scott riffs. What was the writer thinking? Part of me suspects this is an attempt at “irony.” (Get it? He’s called Rommel, but he’s the only movie biker that never wears Nazi gear!! Ugh.) Second, the movie is completely schizophrenic. The first half is breezy, hyperactive fun; the second half degenerates into a dark, ugly, and slow melodrama. What does sidehacking have to do with the revenge plot that dominates the final reels? (J.C. meets Rommel and his sidehackin’ little buddy at their motorcycle repair shop, not at the track.) I have to disagree with Joel; in the filmmakers’ minds, sidehacking was pure padding. Third, sidehacking itself made this one a classic. It’s interesting...but stupid! From time to time in this world, we discover hidden gems, great athletic performances and sports stories that have been forgotten, such as the thrilling career of Josh Gibson or the tragedy of Jim Thorpe. On the other hand, I’m sure no one even noticed when sidehacking died a quiet, lonely death, confident in the knowledge that it was beloved by exactly one person. (You know, the “announcer” from reel two.) For me, one of the highlights of the entire series has to be J&tB trying to develop color commentary for the “our thrilling new sport: sidehacking.”

As much as I love this episode, I could never claim that it’s the best. The second half is so dark and depressing that it doesn’t make for suitable source material. How much can you say about shots of Rommel cruising around town in his sweet Mustang, trying to recruit his Desert Foxes?
Also, the movie sets itself up to fail. The entire “story” [sic] builds to the final confrontation between J.C. and Rommel, which proves to be one of the lamest fights in cinematic history.

David’s Rating: 5.0 (FIVE CROWS).

David’s Suggested Stinger: J.C.: “Come on out lover! I never met a general before!”

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EPISODE 203 - JUNGLE GODDESS (b/w THE PHANTOM CREEPS 1)

David’s Review:

I have a confession. I’ve watched The Phantom Creeps many times over the years, but I couldn’t begin to write a synopsis of the serial. There’s a lot of stuff going on, but none of it seems related to anything else going on. Perhaps if we had seen all of the chapters, things could have been different, but I kind of doubt it. I suspect the producers pulled a Plan 9. As in, they realized that they didn’t really have a story, per se, so they hoped Lugosi would somehow pull it all together. (Note: It didn’t work, either time.) The first installment of Creeps is the best.

The host segments are a serious letdown after the first two eps of S2. The Phantom Creeps paid advertisement wasn’t funny the first time. Even the Gobo Scopes get old on repeated viewings. (The recycling in Hellcats doesn’t help, at all.)

This movie may not have been a good choice for MST3K, at least this early in the show’s run. For one thing, Jungle Goddess is incredibly racist, even more so than other “jungle” pictures. This leads to too many “White Devil” jokes, which are funny, but don’t wear well. Basically, J&tB faced a dilemma. This was a young show, putting some fairly offensive stuff on screen. Since you are also a show dedicated to ridiculing bad movies, you then have to make some “politically correct” jokes, if only to disassociate yourself from the movie’s content. In general, the “politically correct” humor is a peculiarity of Season Two (see Catalina Caper). My explanation for it may be totally misguided, wrong, and overly analytical, but there it is.

There’s some real potential in Jungle Goddess, but it’s helmed by Newfield, who never budgeted for things like a script, action scenes, etc. The single biggest line item had to be caps for the White Devil’s toy revolver. Newfield cheated us of a staple of “jungle” pictures: the hero wrestling around with another guy in an animal suit in an annoyingly drawn-out struggle to the death. The flashback of Greta attempting to join her father in South Africa (due to the outbreak of WWII) is much more interesting than the main story, so you know you’re in trouble. J&tB do have a lot of fun with the dialogue, which alternates between banal and ridiculous. Bob, aka the White Devil, reminds me of Daffy Duck. He’s completely despicable and void of any redeeming trait, including the most basic human decency. Consequently, he’s hilarious.

It almost seems like J&tB were afraid of doing too many “Superman” riffs, so they did too few instead. Perhaps I am too critical, because it’s not like Reeves ever does anything. Any reasonable person would have strangled Bob in his sleep before reel three, assuming they had any serious intention of getting out alive. The line between “loyal” and “dupe” is not that thin...

David’s Rating: 3.0 (THREE CROWS). (Short = 2.5, Film = 3.0)

David’s Suggested Stinger: White Goddess: “What I wouldn’t give for a hamburger sandwich and some french-fried potatoes!”

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EPISODE 204 - CATALINA CAPER

David’s Notes on the Cast:

Little Richard also sings the theme for The Girl Can’t Help It (1956); I can’t recommend this movie highly enough, by the way. “Scuba Party” is a complete rip-off of the James Brown number “Ski Party” from the 1965 Frankie Avalon film of the same name. For anyone unfamiliar with Little Richard’s work for Specialty Records, it’s true. He really does have more talent than everyone else on the film combined, which makes this mess a real cuckoo kick!

David’s Review:

This ep had an inflated reputation for many years. If I recall correctly, BBI had some issues with the rights to the movie (or just a short term agreement, or whatever). Consequently, it wasn’t aired much, if at all, after 1991. Good copies were tough to get, and the tale must have grown in the telling. Now, it’s on Rhino, and the ratings for Catalina Caper have taken a hit.

Like virtually everyone else who has ever reviewed Catalina Caper, I feel the need to comment on the “politically correct” humor in this episode. There’s a lot of it, and J&tB are relentless. In Jungle Goddess, this is justified. Here, its primary sin is not so much being inappropriate, as repetitive and unfunny. Frankly, I don’t get it. Anyone familiar with these movies knows that they do in fact have a subtle racism. If a black person appears, they are only there to entertain or wait on the white teens, then promptly disappear. It’s a recognized convention in Elvis and “teen” movies of the period. There is a very funny riff commenting on this immediately after Little Richard sings “Scuba Party.” They should have stopped there.

Like virtually all Season 2-6 episodes, any individual line may be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. When this ep is on, it’s great. The host segments are better than average. Kevin and Frank already seem like they have been doing this for years.

Catalina Caper presents an excellent example of another bad movie convention: Ascribed Attractiveness (related to Ascribed Competency Syndrome). Brian Cutler (“Charlie Moss”) is supposed to be some sort of Aryan Don Juan. Similarly, Ulla Stromstedt (“Katrina Carelli” aka Creepy Girl) is supposed to be an exotic beauty that drives men raving mad with lust. In both cases, about half of the teen extras on the film are actually better looking. Why would a group of guys risk the ire of their main squeezes (standing right there, dressed in French bikinis) to ogle a woman in a one-piece, who happens to be about 80 meters away? It makes no sense, man! Ultimately, this movie is just an excuse to put as many women in bikinis onscreen as possible.

David’s Rating: 3.5 (THREE AND A HALF CROWS).

David’s Suggested Stinger: Venita Wolf (“Tina Moss”): “Remember, breathe through your mouth!” (Beginning with #205, BBI provided an “official” stinger.)

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EPISODE 205 - ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. (THE PHANTOM CREEPS 2)

David’s Review:

The Lugosi impersonations were already shopworn by the end of Chapter 1 of The Phantom Creeps. The serial is as confused and nonsensical as ever, but the riffing is very mediocre and occasionally even recycled. Only the “Death Valley Days” bit is memorable.

This is one of my least favorite episodes of the entire series. I actually fell asleep watching this the first time. I have been so consistently negative about this episode for so long that I watched it again, just to be fair. It’s worse than I remembered. Considering that the blah short comes first, we’re about half an hour into the show before the first real laugh. The “hero” spends the majority of his screen time hiding in the closet of a Moscow apartment. Fifty-eight minutes in, we lose our “hero.” The remaining running time is an extended experiment in padding. We are treated to random vignettes of an unprepared civilian population, juxtaposed with random vignettes of Politburo meetings. Joel puts it best: “I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.” Many of the better riffs are derivative: callbacks or Monty Python references. The host segments are better than the theater segments. Still, some are pretty flat; the invention exchange is definitely sub-par. The “Civil Defense Bowl” and “McCarthy Hearings” are decent.

Since Rocket Attack U.S.A. presents an example, now would be a good time to discuss Ascribed Competency Syndrome (ACS). By definition, bad movies have bad acting, a bad script, etc. Unfortunately, the story may require someone to actually demonstrate basic competence: singing a song, beating up a henchman in a fistfight, or what have you. Since most actors and actresses in awful films are completely untalented in all regards, they also cannot carry a tune in a bucket, fight their way out of a wet paper bag, or what have you. ACS is a heavy-handed technique to inform the viewer that at least within the crappy, narrow fictional universe presented on screen, the actor or actress is supposed to be competent. The single best example of this in MST3K is the fey male groupie from Pod People: “He’s the best!”

In Rocket Attack U.S.A., we are informed at least three times that John Manston, played by John McKay, is the “best agent” or “best man for the job.” Let’s review, shall we? Another agent makes the daring open field landing in the Ukraine. Tanya (Monica Davis) gathers all of the intelligence, including the initial reconnaissance of the launch site and servicing Comrade Tor. The “British” [sic] spy procures the explosives, guides ol’ lunkhead to the launch site, and provides a distraction for about fifteen minutes. Agent Johnny has one remaining task: plant the explosives. Of course, he muffs it by setting the timer until next leap year, knowing that he is completely surrounded, “hiding” in an area lit by several dozen floodlights. (Based on the subsequent explosion, I’m sure the bomb would have delayed the launch for all of three minutes.) I’m sure glad they didn’t send the runner-up; he probably would have wet ’em.

David’s Rating: 2.0 (TWO CROWS). (Short = 2.0, Film = 2.0)

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EPISODE 206 - RING OF TERROR (THE PHANTOM CREEPS 3)

David’s Review:

Chapter 3 of The Phantom Creeps really blindsided me when I first saw this one. It’s very startling the first time; shorts are supposed to come first! By this point, J&tB are ready to bid the serial format adieu. After twelve straight serial shorts, they disappear until Season 4.

The actual movie Ring of Terror is incredibly inept in every respect. Technically, it’s comparable to amateur night at the local Elks Lodge. Obviously, the film was lit by the signal lanterns used by the French Resistance in WWII. From top to bottom of the cast list, this is some of the worst overall acting of the series. (Rocket Attack U.S.A. and Manos are worse, of course.) The superfluous narrator adds less tension than the comic relief stooge. Why Puma the cat? He serves no dramatic purpose other than spotting Moffett’s grave and startling him in the mausoleum, which could have been achieved in literally hundreds of other ways. I guess it’s supposed to be scary. (Sad, really.) Since no one involved can act a lick, why the cast of aging veterans? It’s not like real college kids wouldn’t have worked for hamburger sandwiches and french-fried potatoes. Referring to the ending as an anticlimactic dud is almost a compliment. Let’s just say, if that scared Moffett to death, then he wouldn’t have made it through next Halloween anyway. Basically, the movie itself deserves more notoriety; it’s considerably worse than any of the Lippert or Gordon productions (well, maybe not...).

Fortunately, the theater and host segments are above average. Since the majority of the cast is at least a decade older than their characters, J&tB make many “elderly” jokes and riff on the world’s oldest student body. This never gets repetitive or tedious, partially because the movie is so short (72m). Medical students aren’t teenagers, but this is ridiculous. It’s totally incredible seeing middle-aged folks cavorting in ways that would embarrass any teenybopper; they make Wally Cleaver and Bud Anderson look like urbane sophisticates. This film presents an excellent example of casting that doomed a picture from day one. Even a better script and competent production couldn’t salvage it. It’s less believable than any giant, mutated lizard flick.

The running gag about “they” is my favorite. The entire idea of Lewis Moffett, played by George Mather, as being “strange” or “different” is laughable. Moffett is so square, that he makes Pat Boone look like Jello Biafra. Apparently, Moffett is weird, because he studies a lot and occasionally shows off to compensate for his shortcomings. Sounds like a typical med student to me. He’s more “Rebel Without a Guaranteed Scholarship” than James Dean.

David’s Rating: 3.0 (THREE CROWS). (Short = 1.0, Film = 3.5)

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EPISODE 207 - THE WILD REBELS

David’s Review:

What can I say about The Wild Rebels? Cheap, awful movies tend to follow their own set of conventions and cliches very closely. As far as I can tell, hacks rely on these due to budgetary constraints, an inability to tell an original story, and lack of technical skills. The Wild Rebels suffers from all these problems and more. It contains most of the standard bad movie conventions and pitfalls.

First, we have Ascribed Competency Syndrome (ACS) out the yin-yang. Rod, our “hero,” was “the hottest of the Detroit iron boys.” Fats was “the big kahuna of the surfing circuit.” Our “hot babe,” Linda, looks like she gets rode hard and put up wet on a nightly basis. The heavy, Banjo, gets his butt kicked by a guy in Toughskins. Second, every premise of this film is fundamentally flawed, and even the characters notice! To list a few examples: 1) Rod’s comments that they don’t need a wheelman; 2) Rod’s legitimate incredulity that the cops don’t just arrest Satan’s Angels; and 3) Jeeter’s insistence on robbing the bank, when they are obviously being shadowed by the cops. The script attempts to patch all of the plot holes, but it’s like trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon. J&tB do an excellent job of pointing these out, so I’ll move on. Third, every aspect of the production may be cheap and inept, but it is also marred by phenomenally poor decision-making. When a legitimate option existed, the wrong choice was made. Why do you need a stock car driver for an old station wagon? Wouldn’t it have been easier (not to mention more logical) just to make Rod another biker? In a bad movie, you can never be sure if the producer and director just didn’t know any better, or if their hands were tied. For example, the answers to these questions might well be as follows: 1) Steve Alaimo (“Rod”) put up some money for the film; 2) They could only afford to use his mom’s station wagon; 3) It’s easier to shoot dialogue from inside a car than set up motorcycle sequences with looped dialogue; and 4) Steve Alaimo couldn’t ride a motorcycle. Who knows?

One bizarre treat worth further comment is the performance of one Bobbie Byers (“Linda”). In an ACS moment, Jeeter informs us that Linda is a “born little actress;” Linda proceeds to wile the gun shop owner. As Linda, Bobbie Byers manages to deliver her lines with little or no affect. When “Linda” assumes her “middle-aged woman” character in the gun shop and bank, she hams it up a little. The net result is that “Linda” comes across as a better actress than Ms. Byers. Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit, but it’s quite remarkable. (Or is it laughable?)

This episode serves as an “origin” story for Gypsy. Previously, her exact role on the SOL had been unclear. In Season 1, she was often presented as a less intelligent design than Tom or Crow without much explanation. All of the other host segments are above average; over the years, the “Wild Rebels Cereal” jingle and the deconstruction of the film have held up well.

David’s Rating: 5.0 (FIVE CROWS).

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EPISODE 208 - THE LOST CONTINENT

David’s Notes on the Cast:

Since I haven’t done one of these in a while (#204), now might be a good time to discuss my Notes. “Daddy-O’s Drive-In Dirt” is an invaluable resource, and I respect the contributors’ efforts too much to just parrot them. Basically, I only give Notes on the Cast when I have something new or personal to add. All that said, Daddy-O missed an important Cesar Romero credit. Romero played the sympathetic “villain” in Wee Willie Winkie (1937), definitely the best Shirley Temple vehicle. Don’t let the title fool you. John Ford directed this Indian adventure, which I consider superior in every regard to the critically acclaimed Gunga Din (1939). Wee Willie Winkie is a gorgeous film that presents real characters facing real consequences. As in Gunga Din, Victor McLaglen also kicks much booty.

David’s Review:

What can I say about a movie that features more rock climbing than Cliffhanger, The Eiger Sanction, and Everest combined? Rock Climbing, folks. Rock. Climbing.

Seriously, I don’t have much to add to Don’s review. (This explains my blatant plug for Wee Willie Winkie, at least.) The film itself contains many sequences that are virtually identical to scenes in both earlier and later experiments. For example, we have Bland Scientists counting down a rocket launch. In Season Two alone, Rocketship X-M, King Dinosaur, and First Spaceship on Venus feature more of the same. There’s no wonder that the strongest impression is made by all of the...rock climbing. Rock. Climbing.

The movie contains a variation of a cinematic convention that my friend Keith and I have dubbed “The Recruiting Phase.” This convention is not restricted to awful movies. Two of the greatest films on celluloid, The Seven Samurai (1954) and The Great Escape (1963), rely on it quite heavily. This is a device that serves several major functions in the story. Essentially, the main character goes out into a larger cinematic world to recruit the other named characters, who will play significant roles in the development of the story. This provides opportunities for character development, exposition, and shooting a few different locations. In MST3K fodder, this is usually reduced to an opportunity for some padding. Mercifully, the “Recruiting Phase” is quite short in Lost Continent, because the padding is reserved for... rock climbing. Rock. Climbing.

The pep talk at the beginning of the show is one of my all-time favorite intros, which tempted me to give an extra half Crow. The remaining host segments are just above average, however. Sixteen years after the fact, the “Cool Thing” contest is a big dud, natch.

David’s Rating: 3.0 (THREE CROWS).

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EPISODE 209 - HELLCATS

David’s Review:

The recycling of host segments really hurts this episode, and I fear it has permanently damaged its reputation. The actual concept, a cold medicine that causes flashbacks, had real potential. Humor me for a moment. I have no doubt that the Brains occasionally had flashbacks to the films; as in, they found “jokes that I wish I had thought of at the time.” The flashbacks would have been a great way to inject some new riffs into previous experiments. Also, J&tB could have gone back to vignettes that were allegedly “off screen.” (Just as an example, how about a scene in the “load pan bay?”)

I love the Biker Trilogy. Admittedly, I started with Season Two, and these episodes have a certain sentimental value for me. Still, that’s not the entire picture, since I don’t care much for several Season 2 eps (i.e. #s 203, 205, & 211). Perhaps, it is because I secretly want to drop out and risk it all on a last chance power drive. Perhaps, it is because I secretly enjoy seeing bad things happen to bad people. Who knows? I spent a long time attempting to justify my rating of Hellcats, and I finally gave up. Frankly, I don’t even “get” some of the criticisms I have seen of this episode on other websites. Yes, the characters are about as appealing as the Manson Family, the music is insipid, and the “story” goes absolutely Nowheresville on a rocket sled. Without a doubt, Hellcats is different from all other MSTed movies... Admittedly, this is by far the weakest installment of the three biker movies.

Hellcats would have made a decent episode for a 30 minute television drama. Extended to a feature film, it contains more padding than The Lost Continent (#208) and First Spaceship on Venus (#211) combined. In the final analysis, only the first ten minutes and last fifteen minutes of running time contribute to the “story.” The early “mystery” element is a total joke, since the heavy-handed exposition in the first two scenes tips the viewer before Ross Hagen’s brother even dies, which was intended to be Plot Point #1. In other words, I do understand why some people find this one tough to watch.

Still, this episode has its moments. In case you haven’t noticed, I have developed pseudo-intellectual categories for assessing bad movies: Bland Scientist, Ascribed Competency Syndrome, et al. Much of the riffing in Hellcats actually plays on this, which adds to my estimation (i.e. “Detective Plot Point” and “Sgt. Exposition”). Even though Mike was much more musically inclined than Joel, the riffing on musical interludes was consistently better in the Joel era, as demonstrated in this ep. J&tB provide their own version of the outro, which is one of my favorite moments of the entire series. (Yeah, I can’t explain it. Something about the idea of vicious scum wearing Halston ensembles, I suppose.)

David’s Rating: 3.5 (THREE AND A HALF CROWS).

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EPISODE 210 - KING DINOSAUR (X MARKS THE SPOT)

David’s Review:

In 1990, X Marks the Spot was like a visitation from a superior electrician (or someone like Him). Up until this point, shorts had gradually become a nuisance and a hindrance to the show. To this day, X Marks the Spot is among my favorites (along with Snow Thrills, Catching Trouble, Mr. B. Natural, A Date With Your Family, and A Young Man’s Fancy). Anyone who has ever wondered if the other drivers on the road all received their licenses from a Chinese correspondence school will love X Marks the Spot. This short was produced during WWII. I’m not sure if this makes it more or less heretical for its trivialization of divine judgment. My friends and I call the “judge” St. Akio: The Patron Saint of Traffic Accidents.

At the risk of being pedantic, S 2 is “transitional” and bridges the gap between MST3K origins and its Golden Age. Some of the best S 1 episodes are actually funnier than the weaker S 2 eps. (For example, compare The Black Scorpion to Jungle Goddess.) The late Season 2 episodes resemble Season 3 episodes. After a strong start (Rocketship X-M and Sidehackers), the new Brains took a few episodes to gel. By this show, they’re in full stride.

The most remarkable aspect of the film is the utter redundancy of the four principal “characters” [sic]. Their dialogue is minimal at best. The movie is only a step or two removed from The Creeping Terror in its use of synchronized sound. Lets review: 1) The incredibly short running time (63 minutes) consists of a minimum of 20 minutes of stock footage; 2) Marvin Miller narrates virtually all of reel one (over 10 minutes of stock footage alone); 3) Much of the “dialogue” is looped (the reel-to-reel sequence, the “characters” walking up the hill, some of the cave sequence, etc.); and of course, 4) The process shots of herbivorous lizards fighting to the death don’t use synch-sound. (Shockingly, iguanas don’t roar. Believe it...or not!)

Previous reviewers did an excellent job of pointing out just how ridiculous this movie can be (i.e. the superfluous atomic bomb, scientists using microscopes in spacesuits, top billing for a lemur, etc.). I have one more to add: the doctor empties a Colt .45 automatic at a giant wasp. Any self-respecting scientist would grasp that a giant insect, complete with a chitin exoskeleton and no central nervous system to speak of, isn’t going to stop for a puny handgun. Sad, really.

The intro and host segments are goofy, bizarre, and seem spontaneous. Maybe I am just too much of a fan, but Joel’s blank verse is excellent. (I know I’ve never written any poetry even half that good.) The production values have improved to about as high a level as the show will ever aspire. Compare the costuming in “Emotional Scientist” to any of the S 1 “pageants.”

David’s Rating: 3.5 (THREE AND A HALF CROWS). (Short = 5.0, Film = 3.0)

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EPISODE 211 - FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS

David’s Review:

This was one of the hardest reviews to write thus far. The entire “multinational cast crams into an impossibly small rocket” genre is sort of played out for me. I tend to confuse this one with 12 to the Moon, even though First Spaceship on Venus is clearly the better film (and in color).

The film may be too good. Sure, it’s poorly dubbed and dated, but so are many so-called classics. The art direction is truly stunning for 1960. Visually, the future earth, the Cosmostrator, Venus, and the remnants of the Venusian society are all exotic and believable. The Venusian architecture reminds me of the towers that often appear in postwar Salvador Dali paintings, such as Geopoliticus Child Watching the Birth of the New Man and Bacchanale. Several reviewers (notably DVD Savant) have commented that the forced-perspective technique used here works, because it isn’t done on the cheap. At least one of the models for the Cosmostrator had to have been several stories tall, due to the composition of the shots. The meteorite shower is the only weak special effects sequence, but it still compares favorably to similar scenes in 12 to the Moon (#524) and Phantom Planet (#902).

Frankly, all this is an obstacle for MST3K. The movie really isn’t that cheesy. Not including the KTMA episodes, First Spaceship on Venus may have cost more to make than all previous MSTed movies combined. (The film industries in communist nations had a real edge in terms of cheap labor, so it would be impossible to compare budgets anyway.) The film uses an early color process, so there is zero stock footage. (...and there was much rejoicing...) The only real plot hole may be the size of the Cosmostrator, which has to be big enough to carry that many crewmembers, stores, and massive quantities of fuel. Still, the movie depicts the ship as being significantly larger than an Apollo rocket, so it isn’t glaring, as in Rocketship X-M.

Is Sumiko (Yoko Tani) an Official MST3K Babe? Surprisingly, the Brains found four public domain movies for S 1 that actually featured interesting female leads, most likely by accident. Season Two has none. Ultimately, Sumiko is a Bland Scientist, first and foremost. Also, it ruins a date for me when the lady can’t stop talking about her ex-boyfriends and/or dead husbands.

The host segments are rather disappointing. Where was our Space Pageant? I imagine that the robot designed by Crow and Tom, which communicates in Batman bath foam, is based on the black goo from the movie. Since it isn’t shown in the proper sequence (i.e. after the scene in the movie), it loses any impact it might have had. In ACEG (p. 28), Kevin rags on this episode, referring to the “lame” host segments. Don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t a bad episode, but anyone watching for the first time will understand why First Spaceship on Venus isn’t on anyone’s Top 10 List. It just isn’t that memorable. Many of the best riffs from this episode could have appeared in Rocketship X-M or other experiments. For example, Crow: “I can’t think of a better group of people to die with...”

David’s Rating: 3.0 (THREE CROWS).

[docsteve]

EPISODE 212 - GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

David’s Notes on the Cast:

See my review of Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (#213). Like Sea Monster, Godzilla vs. Megalon was directed by Jun Fukuda. The Ishiro Honda films tend to be better.

David’s Review:

For years, this was my favorite MST3K episode; eventually, a few later episodes surpassed it. As a kid, I was a HUGE fan of the Godzilla movies. I still have most of the Godzilla toys ever made and a complete run of the Marvel Comics series. (I probably shouldn’t have told that on myself.) As my sister and I got older, we began riffing on Gojira ourselves. A major argument between us has always been which is the worst Godzilla movie. Laura votes for Godzilla vs. Megalon; I have always insisted on Son of Godzilla. Godzilla’s Revenge (aka All Monsters Attack!) and Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster (aka Godzilla vs. Hedorah) also deserve serious consideration.

By this point in the Showa Godzilla series (1954-1975), the movies are intended for the little boys in shorts, who are featured prominently. Just compare Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973) to Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966). Sea Monster is obviously marketed to teenagers; it has: 1) Teens as the main characters; 2) Elements like the dance marathon; and 3) An adult woman to ogle. One remarkable element of Megalon that did not occur to me until writing this review is the complete absence of female characters. Unless my memory is flawed, the only women in this film are the Seatopian Dance Troupe, who aren’t even supposed to be human.

More importantly, Godzilla vs. Megalon has taught us many lifelong moral lessons. First, don’t name a boy Roxanne; he’ll end up being an annoying little twerp in Daisy Dukes. Second, if you ever meet a Japanese kid named Roxanne, shoot first and ask questions later. (No jury will convict you.) Third, don’t test nuclear arms underwater, or creepy, ineffectual Eurasian men bearing vague resemblances to Ernest Hemingway and/or Oscar Wilde will kidnap you. Fourth, never construct a robot larger and more intelligent than yourself. Fifth, a Japanese Elvis impersonator cannot open a feature film. Finally, if you insist on disregarding the above advice, you must keep an amateur racecar drivin’ buddy around to do all of the “heavy lifting” (ahem).

I have to agree with the other reviewers; the riffing is not as fast or tight as in later seasons. However, this episode is rife with the quirky, surreal humor that Frank brought to the Brains. The “Jet Jaguar Fight Song” translation and “Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy” may be the funniest host segments of the Comedy Central run. The invention exchange is awesome. My friends and I eventually used all of the Halloween costume ideas over the years. The “theater floor” is always a big hit, even with people who have never seen the show.

David’s Rating: 5.0 (FIVE CROWS).

[docsteve]

EPISODE 213 - GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

David’s Notes on the Cast:

Although not technically a cast member, producer Tomoyuki Tanaka deserves some kudos. In addition to producing the Godzilla flicks, Tanaka produced almost as many “A” films as cheap monster movies. Many websites comment on his collaboration with acclaimed director Akira Kurosawa, but none give a filmography. Here it is: The Bad Sleep Well (1960), Yojimbo (1961), Sanjuro (1962), High and Low (1963), Red Beard (1965), Sanshiro Sugata (1965), and Kagemusha (1980). Tanaka also produced two other acknowledged world classics, The Samurai Saga (1959) and The 47 Ronin (1962). I can recommend any of these films, by the way.

David’s Review:

This episode doesn’t have even half the reputation of Godzilla vs. Megalon (#212), which may be justified. Megalon features four guys in rubber suits, Sea Monster only two (plus a bird on a wire, ugh). Megalon has an almost hallucinogenic quality; it’s that weird. Sea Monster actually tells a coherent story, provides a measure of continuity, and even has a smattering of human interest. Most of the earliest Godzilla flicks actually do tell a story with a recognizable beginning, middle, and end. (Trust me.) Don’t get me wrong; this is still a deeply flawed, extremely goofy movie. However, it does make attempts at human drama, character development, and the like. This seriously cuts into the real reason we watch these turkeys: sweaty Japanese guys in rubber suits dukin’ it out on a sound stage. Godzilla must have the best agent in the Pacific Rim. He gets top billing, despite spending most of the movie in hibernation. Ebirah (the sea monster) is a mismatch; even Godzuki could have handled him. One blast of Godzilla’s atomic breath, and Ebirah is a boil-in-a-bag shrimp dinner.

Sea Monster proves that Americans didn’t invent racism. The beautiful Daiyo is obviously in the film for the purposes of mild titillation. At the same time, her tribe is depicted as ignorant, superstitious, and inferior to the Japanese, who enslave them. Curiously, she is more of a love interest for Godzilla, rather than a few horny teens. (Sure, they are in constant fight or flight mode, but come on!) My impression is that Daiyo is someone for the teens to protect (like a sister), but as a “native,” she is not a suitable partner. Even the bank robber, who is not so “noble,” never puts the moves on Daiyo. Surely, I am reading to much into a movie that was probably marketed for young kids as much as teenagers, but it seems inexplicable otherwise.

Other than the “Godzilla Genealogy Bop,” the host segments don’t hold a candle to the inspired lunacy in Godzilla vs. Megalon (#212). My favorite theater bit is where J&tB sing the outro from Have Gun-Will Travel and screw up the lyrics (it should be “reads the card of a man”).

David’s Rating: 4.0 (FOUR CROWS).