Post by (busdrivertohell) on Apr 4, 2009 16:49:56 GMT -5
I felt it was a good time for a good change. Looking over my old blog entries on here made me realize how much can change in a year and a half or so. People change. Attitudes that once reflected your own seem to have shifted to where you don't agree on the same things that your friends do anymore.
I've witnessed first hand that life goes on, no matter how much or how little you participate. My little brother is expecting his first child very soon. I've seen so many marriages and divorces, going through two myself. I've beaten the cancer, although the danger looms over my head that it *might* come back.
I battle the demons in my life all the time. I kick myself for allowing me to get into another abusive relationship, even though I managed to escape with the help of some ornery police officers and some people I barely knew at the time. I am amazed that, so far, I've made it to 27 fairly intact.
Generally speaking, I am doing exactly nothing with my life. I have no money, no job, no ID, no way to get any of those unless by some miracle I find $400 somewhere to make it work. I don't care about cooking, or being a chef, and I don't have the passion to be a firefighter anymore. I've lost my drive to achieve my goals, and I'm just struggling to make it to tomorrow without wondering where my next meal will come from.
My last relationship (the abusive one) changed me drastically. I'm not as outgoing, outspoken, or social. I view my body as something I should be totally ashamed of, and have reverted to my teenage years in terms of dress, with baggy clothes that cover everything. I don't enjoy the outdoors anymore, don't have many friends, and feel like I have to explain every little mistake I make with tearful regret. Instead of hanging my head out the passenger window like a dog, I sit quietly and don't say much anymore. I spend a lot of time by myself. Where there once was a confident tomboy, there is now a hollow shell of a woman, almost totally afraid of taking risks.
Not all is doom and gloom, though. I've met some awesome people that have helped me greatly through some of my struggles. I just hope that one day I can prove to them that it was not all in vain.
I've witnessed first hand that life goes on, no matter how much or how little you participate. My little brother is expecting his first child very soon. I've seen so many marriages and divorces, going through two myself. I've beaten the cancer, although the danger looms over my head that it *might* come back.
I battle the demons in my life all the time. I kick myself for allowing me to get into another abusive relationship, even though I managed to escape with the help of some ornery police officers and some people I barely knew at the time. I am amazed that, so far, I've made it to 27 fairly intact.
Generally speaking, I am doing exactly nothing with my life. I have no money, no job, no ID, no way to get any of those unless by some miracle I find $400 somewhere to make it work. I don't care about cooking, or being a chef, and I don't have the passion to be a firefighter anymore. I've lost my drive to achieve my goals, and I'm just struggling to make it to tomorrow without wondering where my next meal will come from.
My last relationship (the abusive one) changed me drastically. I'm not as outgoing, outspoken, or social. I view my body as something I should be totally ashamed of, and have reverted to my teenage years in terms of dress, with baggy clothes that cover everything. I don't enjoy the outdoors anymore, don't have many friends, and feel like I have to explain every little mistake I make with tearful regret. Instead of hanging my head out the passenger window like a dog, I sit quietly and don't say much anymore. I spend a lot of time by myself. Where there once was a confident tomboy, there is now a hollow shell of a woman, almost totally afraid of taking risks.
Not all is doom and gloom, though. I've met some awesome people that have helped me greatly through some of my struggles. I just hope that one day I can prove to them that it was not all in vain.
