Trumpy's Lethargic Spout

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Awrite troops?

I thought I'd give one of these here blogs a crack.

Essentially there won't really be a theme, rather the posts shall consist of the outpourings of my cracked mind.

Here's me:



That's me after having gotten my haircut, or rather having given a bloke a tenner so he can show me how bald I'm going (notice how the top of my head isn't in the picture).

So here's to many aimless rants!

Cheers!

[Mighty Jack]

King blogger has arrived!

Man I haven't paid for a haircut in years. I just take the old hedge trimmers and away I go (actually my wife, now ex - bought me a hair trimmer for X-Mas one year. Works great for guys like me who just cut it all off)

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

I might need to invest in a set. I'm only in my twenties and it's going fast! As if being ginger wasn't bad enough!

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 1 (because that introduction bit and that didn't count n stuff):

A Lesson For Those Who Work

Right so Tuesdays, they're, what, the third day of the week. Unspectacular if you ask me. They sit in that position of still being early in the working week and thus miles away from the weekend but at least they're not Mondays eh? I doubt Garfield would have been half as successful if he hated Tuesdays. They're just too...innocuous.

Well last Tuesday was just like any other. I was working. There was a bit of excitement as U2 were playing up at Hampden Park in Glasgow but since I'm not a fan I wasn't going so it was work then home for a pooey dinner followed by even pooier TV.

That was my Tuesday.

Shamefully Tuesday in my humble, violent little hometown of Paisley decided to be interesting whilst I was fielding questions from customers at my work along the lines of "which brand of toilet paper is better when you have piles?"

Yes because this happened:

news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/other_sports/cycling/8208178.stm

Yes, really! Lance "Best Cyclist Ever" Armstrong, Lance "I had a cameo in Dodgeball" Armstrong, Lance "My Balls Tried To Kill Me" Armstrong decided to visit my humble, violent little hometown. It was impromptu, thus myself choosing customer's bum movement conversations over seeing him, not only in person, but on a bloody bike!

Basically he was in Scotland to see U2, asked where was good for a wee ride and someone told him Glennifer Braes up the back of Paisley. Of course that local that said as much had misinterpreted what Mr. Armstrong had said, assuming he was inquiring where best to have casual sex in the back of a motor. Thankfully it turns out it's no bad for a spot of bike gymnastics either.

So he went on his Twitter and posted that if anyone wanted to go for a ride they should meet in Paisley. Hundreds turned up (unemployment's high you understand) and the police ended up having a word with Mr. Cycle because they held up traffic.

And I missed him, because I'm gainfully employed in a job I hate.

So the lesson here for those who work; Quit, sign on, live off the social security benefits and surf social network sites 24/7. Do that and you might get to partake in activities with a world champion.

Don't come to me if that champion is Mike Tyson though.

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 2:

Summertime Blues

Look at this happy photo:



It's really happy isn't it? And I'm happy in it! Yes, really! Look at my face, like really look at it. It's nothing like the one in my photo in the introductory post. For starters the mouth's the other upside down.

Why am I so happy. Because of that thing beside my face, that looks a bit like a photo negative of it in all honesty. What is it? Why it's a beachball designed like a Chain Chomp from the Superb Mario Brothers. It was a free gift from the Nintendo magazine I read, N Gamer, a very funny read. Nice of them, eh?

No!

Now they were obviously thinking "it's summer isn't it? And what do people like to do during that time of the year? Play with balls!" Yes we do like to play with balls while the sun shines on our collective face, preferably whilst jumping about on a beach. Lovely summer's day that.

The problem is is that so far my summer has looked like this:



That was shot out my back door in the afternoon and you may notice that it's actually so dull the street light is already on! It's not meant to get dark until after 10pm in Scotland at the height of summer.

Frankly this assumption by the staff of N Gamer is offensive and has caused a lot of upset. Not everyone enjoys gorgeous weather and frankly it smacks of lazy stereotyping of seasons. What next, a set of Pikachu snowshoes with the December issue? A Kirby leafblower with the September one?

To put it simply this calender based pigeonholing must end now for the sake of our children and their spawn and so on. They need to grow up in a world where weather's diversity is not only accepted, but tolerated. That way a pishing wet Scottish summer might not be the source of great upset because some good meaning soul thrust a beachball into the hands of the population instead of a rainjacket with Gannondorf emblazoned on it.

I guess what I'm saying is, I have a dream...

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 3

Trumpy's Toronto Travelblog Part 1

Well I've gone and done it. I'm heading abroad for the first time, England and Northern Ireland don't count because they're still part of the UK. Why Toronto? Well, it's a bit like America, only less so*, and my mate lives there so cheap room and board.

As such I'll be doing a travelogue, or not, depends how often I get to post. My wee sister was over not too long ago and brought me back this big foam hand which I've been wearing every day since in an attempt to make me seem less touristy:



How will I do? Stay tuned to find out!

*I'm kidding Canada

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 4

Trumpy's Toronto Travelblog Part 2: Go Packers!

One of the big problems with going abroad for the first time is working out what to pack. I mean, what's Canada like? Previously I was going to places that were essentially the same as here apart from the accents. Basically they don't have Irn-Bru or as many psychopaths, both of which are bearable.

Canada not only has another accent, but a bloody great ocean acting as a border. As such I've no idea what to expect. I mean I could get there only to find out that Ice Hockey's the national sport or that they don't do steak pie suppers. As such I've put some chips, not the sort you dip but rather big, wobbly fries, and some meat filled pastry treats in my suitcase. It's okay though, they won't grease up my clothes, they're in a separate compartment with my toothbrush and face cloth.

As for clothes there's no need to worry. Being Scottish I prepare for at least eleven shifts in the weather each hour so my shorts, snow boots and waterproofs are all packed as they would be if I were heading down the shops.

Money. Supposedly having three lots of it is funny according to that Swedish mob, Roxette I think. I've heard the Canadians use the dollar. I had decided it wise just to go straight ahead and buy a load of US dollars as I'm sure the arrangement's the same as over here, we all use the pound just print our own money. But then I remembered that Canada was full of French people so I got half my money in Euros. Sorted.

As for my hand luggage A big can of deodorant, some matches and a copy of the book "Why The World Hates America" should see me breeze by security.

I think this trip's going to be a mighty success!

[Bix Dugan]

Nice foam finger there, Trumpy!
You'll fit right in.
So how DID it go with the Customs people?
Did they use lube, I hope?

[Mighty Jack]

Have fun and watch "Strange Brew" to get yourself in the right state of mind for the trip.

[Mod City]

Aug 30, 2009 15:55:10 GMT -5 Trumpy's Magic Snout said:

My wee sister was over not too long ago and brought me back this big foam hand which I've been wearing every day since in an attempt to make me seem less touristy:

That's a nice Blue Jays finger, but it looks suspiciously like you're wearing a Minnesota Twins road jersey there, Trumpy. All respect if you show up to a Jays game with that on

Hope the trip goes well!

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

I survived customs, though they were very generous with the cavity search. Not only will I be wearing my Twins shirt, I'll be wearing my Twins cap I bought. Can't go into too much detail right now as I'm currently watching Scotland be rubbish against Macedonia and we're heading out to the Jays Yankees game, so I'm a Jays fan for the day!

[Gripweed]

Go Packers! Woooo!

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 5

Trumpy's Toronto Travelblog Part 3: It's hard writing a travelogue whilst actually travelling

Well it turns out toronto's got stuff to do in it, hence me not posting about it very much. You see back home there's been nothing to do since the bowling alley shut, so blogging helps break up the tedium of reality TV and pissing rain.

But toronto's great! I may have lucked out weather wise, this is the first time I've needed to wear shorts all summer. I've not got time to post extensively just now as I'm heading to the Hockey Hall of Fame then it's baseball and pub tonight. Should be doing CN Tower tomorrow or Thursday if I don't chicken out because of not being fond of lifts and heights, which as it turns out is pretty much the only two things the CN Tower's about.

I've got tons of pictures so I'll post them when I get back, that's if customs in Glasgow aren't as rough as I think they may be!

[doctorz]

Have fun in Canada Trumpy! There's a Tiki Bar in Montreal you should visit while there, if you are going anywhere else but Toronto..and if you are still in Canada.

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Blog 6

Trumpy's Travelblog Part 4: Some thoughts on Toronto

Everything's so big!

Sorry, but I come from a country of five million people meaning that stuff's a bit teensy and itty bitty. Every walk between places is nothing short of an epic adventure in Toronto. I ate ribs, hot dogs, drank copious amounts of beer and frankly lived like a slob whilst on holiday, yet I actually lost weight! Purely thanks to the amount of walking. One night we went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet and ate tons. But it was a five mile walk there and back. Bloody hell, I mean I know there's quite a few people living there but really? Oh, and an avenue to me is a wee short place with a few houses on it. Not a six lane, twenty mile stretch of tarmac!

Trams, sorry, streetcars (aye like calling them that will make them any fancier). Or, a bus that can't turn unless the track lets it. How many people do the drivers think these things can hold. It appears to be about eighty to four hundred and fifty. Still I'm used to getting the number 9 bus home from Glasgow on a Saturday night, an experience that'll either leave you with a knife wound, a sexually transmitted disease or a cold fish supper. Sometimes you end up with all three.

The sweeties. I'd imagine they're pretty much the same as ones found in the rest of North America so I'm going to ask; where's the flavour? British sweeties have enough sugar to send you into a diabetic coma after a mouthful. There's also a wonderful variety of the things. Everything over there seemed to combine chocolate, peanuts, peanut butter, peanuts, peanut butter and peanut butter. Even the normally dependable Cadbury's name seems to have fallen foul of the bland sweetie problem. I somehow managed to get square sliced sausage whilst over yet for the life of me couldn't find a Fudge Finger. And to cap it all off the bread's sweet! Why? Why is the bread sweet but the sweeties aren't? Did you know I was coming and just decide to f**k with my head or something? I'm not saying that the bread was unpleasant but I'm used to Mother's Pride Plain Bread with its chewy, black crusts with my sandwich and them a lovely sugary Freddo Bar for afters. It felt like having lunch in reverse.

Apart from that Toronto's a wonderful place and I fully intend to return. I might even try and see more of Canada next time, including the Tiki Bar in Montreal Doc! It's on my list of to do's.

Seriously it was the best week and a bit of my life.

To finish the Travelblog here's some photos of me doing North American cultural things that to you lot will be like "big deal" but to me was like "it's like I'm one of them actor thingies in one o them movies!":


A yellow schoolbus. It's really yellow!


Me with a Big Gulp, not a patch on a cold glass bottle of Irn Bru


First bit of street meat rammed down my gullet. Many would follow. These could almost make up for the lack of chippies (almost)


Having just used a 7 Eleven, essentially just a Spar (there's one for any Brits reading this)


Me ingratiating myself to the hundreds of Jays fans around me. The novelty of being an away supporter but sitting with home fans in my team's colours and not having been horded off into a corner of the ground where the view's terrible (I'm looking at you Celtic Park) because segregation is a necessity to spare someone losing their life was most welcome.

And finally some lovely views from the CN Tower. People in Toronto believe it's a dirty city. You people should try Glasgow, it'd put you right in your very clean, lovely place: