Post by mummifiedstalin on Mar 24, 2012 23:46:55 GMT -5
King Lear and Homer Simpson: a dialogue between two old friends reunited after a lifetime apart[/u]
Lear: Follow me; thou shalt serve me: if I like thee no
worse after dinner, I will not part from thee yet.
Dinner, ho, dinner! Where's my knave? my fool?
Go you, and call my fool hither.
Homer: It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.
Lear: A bitter fool!
Homer: Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
Lear: Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Simpson: No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.
Lear: Darkness and devils!
Saddle my horses; call my train together:
Degenerate bastard! I'll not trouble thee.
Simpson: What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?
Lear: Let the great gods,
That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,
Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch,
That hast within thee undivulged crimes,
Unwhipp'd of justice: hide thee, thou bloody hand;
Thou perjured, and thou simular man of virtue
That art incestuous: caitiff, to pieces shake,
That under covert and convenient seeming
Hast practised on man's life: close pent-up guilts,
Rive your concealing continents, and cry
These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man
More sinn'd against than sinning.
Simpson: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?
Lear: Death, traitor! nothing could have subdued nature
To such a lowness but his unkind daughters.
Is it the fashion, that discarded fathers
Should have thus little mercy on their flesh?
Judicious punishment! 'twas this flesh begot
Those pelican daughters.
Simpson: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something.
Lear: Indeed. Come, sit thou here, most learned justicer;
Simpson: Please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Lear: Pray, do not mock me:
I am a very foolish fond old man,
Fourscore and upward, not an hour more nor less;
And, to deal plainly,
I fear I am not in my perfect mind.
Simpson: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless
Lear: You must bear with me:
Pray you now, forget and forgive: I am old and foolish.
Simpson: People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Lear: No, no, no life!
Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,
And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,
Never, never, never, never, never!
(Dies)
Simpson: Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
(Exeunt)
Lear: Follow me; thou shalt serve me: if I like thee no
worse after dinner, I will not part from thee yet.
Dinner, ho, dinner! Where's my knave? my fool?
Go you, and call my fool hither.
Homer: It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.
Lear: A bitter fool!
Homer: Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
Lear: Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Simpson: No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.
Lear: Darkness and devils!
Saddle my horses; call my train together:
Degenerate bastard! I'll not trouble thee.
Simpson: What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?
Lear: Let the great gods,
That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,
Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch,
That hast within thee undivulged crimes,
Unwhipp'd of justice: hide thee, thou bloody hand;
Thou perjured, and thou simular man of virtue
That art incestuous: caitiff, to pieces shake,
That under covert and convenient seeming
Hast practised on man's life: close pent-up guilts,
Rive your concealing continents, and cry
These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man
More sinn'd against than sinning.
Simpson: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?
Lear: Death, traitor! nothing could have subdued nature
To such a lowness but his unkind daughters.
Is it the fashion, that discarded fathers
Should have thus little mercy on their flesh?
Judicious punishment! 'twas this flesh begot
Those pelican daughters.
Simpson: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something.
Lear: Indeed. Come, sit thou here, most learned justicer;
Simpson: Please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Lear: Pray, do not mock me:
I am a very foolish fond old man,
Fourscore and upward, not an hour more nor less;
And, to deal plainly,
I fear I am not in my perfect mind.
Simpson: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless
Lear: You must bear with me:
Pray you now, forget and forgive: I am old and foolish.
Simpson: People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Lear: No, no, no life!
Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,
And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,
Never, never, never, never, never!
(Dies)
Simpson: Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
(Exeunt)
