31 Days of Halloween: Schlocktober

[Afgncaap5]

Oct 24, 2017 13:39:11 GMT -5 Torgo said:

The edition I had back when they were first released was the split version, because I got those real cheap. It worked out fine for me, but I thought to myself "man this must be a pain in the ass for those with the single-sided disc."

The split version worked out nicely for me, actually. I had it on a pair of VHSes (WOOO!) that came in a set, and I think their cut fit nicely with where the VHS ended.

The existence of impractically long movies that don't have anything approaching an intermission is a solid argument for DVDs over VHS I think, much as I still love the old analogue tape option sometimes.

[Torgo]

Day Twenty-Five


Film Year: 1987
Director: John McTiernan
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Jesse Ventura, Shane Black, Kevin Peter Hall
Riff Year: 2007
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson
Selected Short: Safety: In Danger Out of Doors (also riffed by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett)

Safety Woman’s back, and she’s more out of doors than ever! Yes, everyone’s favorite crossing guard turned cosmic superhero Guardiana, seen first in the beloved RiffTrax short Safety: Harm Hides at Home, is taking it outside, Dalton from Road House style. But don’t worry, she hasn’t changed a bit. Still freelance architecting, still keeping kids safe with the pie plate and baton some aliens gave her, and still visiting her “favorite Aunt Margaret” -- deal with it, lesser Aunts!

Whether in boats, driveways, or crosswalks, dumb kids everywhere are getting themselves into trouble and needing saving, Guardiana style. She always shows up in the nick of time, er, well, after the nick of time, when the accident has already happened, then rewinds time and takes care of business. Teaching kids an important lesson: it doesn’t really matter what you do, a foxy lady in a shiny suit will show up and fix it! So go nuts!

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they don their official Guardiana headbands and sunglasses for Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors!



Aware! Alert! ALIVE!

Guardiana is back and this time she’s PISSED! Having spent the previous short warning kids of the dangers around the house, Guardiana takes aim at outdoor safety violations this time. She saves a few lunkheads from drowning, a backpacker from falling off a cliff, and a girl from getting hit by a car.

Initially I had Flying Saucer Mystery lined up for this movie, but I had an opportunity to watch the second Guardiana short instead. To be honest, I didn’t even know there was a second one, and I’ve had this for short for years as a Kickstarter reward thinking it was the first one. Upon discovering my mistake, I just had to pop it in tonight.

Initially I had suspected that this short was made first, because the silly “origin” of Guardiana is a little bit extended. I checked IMDB and found out not only was this short second but it came out four years later. Something about that doesn’t feel right to me, because these two shorts had to be made at the same time. The style, film stock, costumes, and locations are exactly the same, not to mention Guardiana actress Susan Valdes hasn’t so much as changed her hair. Why this one came out four years latter baffles me.

The film is more of the same. It’s basically a PSA from Captain Planet or GI Joe blown up into an entire “episode.” But this almost feels worse, as if by teaching kids safety it’s also teaching them that this woman will save them if they’re being unsafe anyway. Guardiana is kind of an oxymoron of a character, if you think about it. I almost wonder if she has a rule that she saves a kid once, gives them a lecture, and if they do it again, they die like they should have in the first place.

The riffing isn’t as good as the previous Safety short. There is some good jabs at the silliness but overall I’ll be turning back to Harm Hides at Home for my Safety thrills.

Something lurks in the dense jungle. Something horrible and cruel, a creature from beyond our world. His name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He lurks next to another unspeakable creature named Jesse Ventura. And another, goes by the handle Carl Weathers. Who himself lurks next to a monstrous slab of flesh known as Bill Duke.

Together, they face down a creature who, quite understandably, hunts them for their skulls, hoping to fetch a fair price for them at the many Open Skull Markets that dot the galaxy. (If you haven't been to one, you must go. Take the kids, because the markets are very family friendly and they have these great Hawaiian Ice stands. And, of course, there's the skulls.)

Predator unseals a whole tin of whoop-bottom, trotting out cliches like so many, well, like so many boiled human skulls at the terrific Open Skull Market on Nespus VIII (honestly, I know I sound like I'm raving, but it really is just a great way to spend a Saturday, and it's fairly reasonable, too.)

Finally, a good use for your Predator DVD that isn't "propping up that one corner of the entertainment stand, the one whose castor you snapped off when you were moving out of that place on Spring Street because you just couldn't hack sharing a place with Beezer anymore, on account of his socks."



Well, Kevin and Bill did Alien without Mike. It seems fitting that Mike take on Predator by himself.

Rifftrax has been around for so long that it’s almost easy to forget its humble beginnings. During that first year it was an experimental project by Mike to cater to that thirst for blood for more MST3K, and Kevin and Bill gradually migrated to the project when Mike could afford to include them. Quite a few of these early riffs were Mike by himself, and while we ate them up at the time the retrospect is that riffing thrives best when there is more than one person in the room.

Here we have Predator, an Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi actioner from the late 80’s that spawned a persistent franchise centered around his alien opponent, who steps away from Arnold to do battle with the likes of Danny Glover, Adrian Brody, and yes even the alien from Alien (twice). It’s somewhat amazing to think about how many films are in this franchise, yet the only truly successful ones box office wise were the original and the first Alien vs. Predator. And there’s still a sixth movie being made.

I can’t complain too hard, because I love the Predator and this original is one of my favorite films. The first two Alien films beat it in artistry, but Predator taps into that primal monster movie groove that I get a kick out of. Not to mention that there is so many scenes of sweaty shirtless men flexing their muscles that it may just be the most macho movie ever made (except for maybe Commando).

Predator is not pristine cinema, it’s at it’s heart a dumb monster movie and an even dumber action movie, and it’s well suited for riffing. And I love Mike, he’s one of my favorite comedians, but this was not a movie to go solo on. While Predator may have more dialogue scenes than Alien, it also has moments of drawn out tension and long sequences where nothing in particular is happening. Mike has nobody to bounce off of in these sequences and it really hurts him, because he starts talking to himself. Occasionally Disembaudio will pop in to help him out when he absolutely needs a partner, but it’s few and far between.

When there is something happening onscreen, Mike perks up a little, but his riffing doesn’t feel diverse enough. When Jesse Ventura appears onscreen we pretty much get a non-stop block of “unlikely Governor of Minnesota” jokes. Thankfully these jokes don’t spill into the main bulk of the feature that often, because he really rides them too much early on. But there are some well placed quips at the movies expense along the way, almost tainted by Rifftrax’s patented “I’m bored” riffs that annoy me so much. The strongest patch of riffing is actually at the end of the movie where the entire cast does a camera pose with their name, and Mike gives each a hilarious caption.

If I’m remembering correctly, Predator is the last riff Mike ever did solo, soon establishing that he, Kevin, and Bill were the faces of the endeavor. Matthew J. Elliott did several riffs by himself for the company, but primary Rifftrax became a solid trio. After watching Predator it’s easy to see why. Laughs are had, but this one should have been better.

[Torgo]

Day Twenty-Six:


Film Year: 1999
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment
Riff Year: 2008
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Seat Belts: The Lifesaving Habit

Do you hate stuff that's designed to save your life? Does the inconvenience of having to flip the safety off your handgun before you use it to open a beer bottle drive you INSANE? Do you snicker and point at children wearing bicycle helmets, contemptuous of their willingness to believe "The Man"? Do you wiggle your way out of roller coaster restraints so you can raise both middle fingers boldly in the air?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're going to absolutely hate Seat Belts: The Life-Saving Habit. This plea for reason provides a snapshot of some anti-seatbelt sentiments from the early 1980s. For example, "I've never worn one, but they look uncomfortable," "Hey, I'm a busy guy, I don't have time for this," and "Children are invincible." The film confidently (or, more often, passive-aggressively) debunks these powerful straw-man arguments in a noble attempt to save lives and subliminally advertise the safe, luxurious Audi sedan. One assumes the filmmakers went on to champion other controversial stances, such as "you probably shouldn't let your kids swallow broken glass."

Climb into the back of a pick-up truck with Mike, Kevin, and Bill and ride down a bumpy road to a destination called Seat Belts: The Life-Saving Habit!

Haley Joel Osment would see a lot less dead people if most of those bastards wore their damn seat belt! This safety film demonstrates why a safety belt is so important to both you and your family. Got an excuse to not wear one? Well, you’re an idiot.

“Listen and weep as the announcer begs the parents to love their children.”

This short is less silly than most, in fact it’s quite well made and effective. What makes this particular short riffable is the snotty characters giving their half-assed excuses for not wearing a seat belt. And what sucks is that we know there are a lot of people out there exactly like this. The riffing targets these people and points out their inane logic and even taking it to the next level for even more hilarity.

This sport’s one of my all-time favorites. Maybe even my favorite period. It’s twenty minutes of solid laughter that’s highly recommended.

And now our feature presentation...

M. Night Shalalalalalalalalalala-tee-da burst onto the scene with the biggest suspense thriller of 1999 (well, right behind a relatively short list of films that includes Analyze This, Wild Wild West and Varsity Blues.) Haley Joel Osment delivers the most miraculous performance ever given by a toddler (he was just 18 months old when he was nominated for the Oscar!) and Bruce "The Return of Bruno" Willis turns in yet another trademark performance as a guy who seems sort of tired and annoyed. When a guy in his underpants shoots a child psychiatrist (who, to be clear, was also wearing underpants, he just happened to have pants on over them) his life is turned upside down (the guy wearing pants over his underpants, that is, not the guy only wearing underpants.) Why does his wife seem withdrawn and narcoleptic? Why do the local children taunt him and call him "Casper"? Why does he seem tired, run down, just sort of dead?

Watch along with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they unlock the most unlockablest secrets of "The Sixth Sense".*

*This is the 1999 film, not the 1972 TV show starring Gary Collins. Gary Collins apologizes for the confusion.



1999: The year everyone was obsessed with The Sixth Sense, a story about a boy who can “see dead people” and his psychiatrist who may or may not be a spoiler. Everyone who went was whispering excitedly about the ending so not to ruin it for the virgins. Amazingly the ending wasn’t spoiled for me on The Sixth Sense by the time I watched it on home video. What ended up ruining it for me was by the time I got there I didn’t really give a poopie. I was an early teen at the time and everything was stupid, especially popular things.

In the years since I never gave it a rewatch. What was the point? If so much hinged on the ending and I already knew it, what would I gain from watching it again? To an extent I wish I could erase the ending from my memory and watch this movie fresh as an adult to have an actual reaction to it.

Watching it for a second time now, trying to find something to appreciate out of it, I find that...I kind of don’t give a poopie.

It’s not that it’s a bad movie, it’s fine. I’m just not invested in it. There are moments where Shyamalan-isms grind my gears, but they are fewer than other choice films I could name. The acting goes into the monotone whisper he likes to push all too often, as I find myself failing to grasp any human emotion to latch onto, but at least it mostly stays sensible with its acting. Save for a few moronic “lolwut” scenes.

It’s well structured, and Shyamalan does some fine cinematography and visual suspense, though the drama often falls flat for me. There’s a small exception to the scenes between Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment, who have a very interesting relationship with each other that the movie luckily rides so hard on. I guess I see why people like it. But I’m just not compelled to watch it again. Maybe in another 18 years...or the next time I want I want a good laugh via Rifftrax.

Speaking of, even if I were in love with the movie I’d have to admit that this is prime Rifftrax fuel. Self-serious movies like Shyamalan’s filmography always make the best riffs. And while The Sixth Sense is a much better movie than The Happening or The Last Airbender, this might just be my favorite of the three Shyamalan riffs they’ve done. To be fair, it helps that the movie is more interesting than the others, but it also helps that the boys are just in the zone.

They always have fun with Shyamalan’s overwritten, melodramatic dialogue where you can just feel all the actors waiting for the other person to finish their line so they can start their own. They push the dialogue into more colorful territory, adding to it and playing with it. I’d daresay they make the movie more organic than it really is. A great example of this is an ending scene where Haley Joel Osment reveals to his mother he can see dead people, which is a scene that should work in theory but I don’t feel any emotion during it because these people feel fake (like most M. Night Shyamalan characters). But the failed drama of the scene provides a perfect grip to hold, and there are enough dramatic pauses (more than your average Twilight movie) for them to keep it consistent. I laughed consistently throughout this one, because they are the perfect wacky contrast this movie needs to just tip over the edge into comedy territory.

This is the last Rifftrax of my marathon that’s brand new to me. I had actually initially didn’t have this one in the line-up even though I wanted it in, because I didn’t have a DVD of this movie at my disposal. By some act of fate, by God, or a ghostly Bruce Willis watching over me, I actually had one drop in my lap two weeks ago and changed plans mid-marathon (for those curious, I originally was going to do Mothra in its place). Whatever was the cause of this domino effect, I am grateful. This Trax is a winner.

[Torgo]

Day Twenty-Seven


Film Year: 2012
Director: Bill Condon
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Maggie Grace
Riff Year: 2013
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Damaged Goods

Surprisingly, not a biography of Björk, Damaged Goods is a cautionary tale about a couple of young men who go on a harmless adventure in search of beer and girls and end up finding exactly that! Unfortunately they are lured off that wholesome path by the seductive siren song of something called a "Coolie Cup". Inspired, apparently, by the jockstrap of an Asian worker, this evil rum drink causes our hero, Hercules-like (Kevin Sorbo Hercules, just to be clear), to be led astray. The result, a stern lecture by a silver-haired doctor—oh, and some horrible communicable disease affecting the genitals. We weren't really paying attention, as someone had just whipped up a pitcher of Coolie Cups.

Mike, Bill, and Kevin: damaged goods and your guides through Damaged Goods.

Turns out syphilis is so hilarious that Rifftrax had to do another short tackling the subject! This one features a boy going out on the town meeting some sleazy women, having sinful sex, and getting the rightful STD he deserves. Luckily his teacher and doctor are there to steer him right.

This short is only nine minutes long but in researching it I found out something quite astounding: it’s actually heavily edited down from a feature film! IMDB lists this film under the title “V.D.” and lists the run time as 91 minutes. I don’t know where this short came from or why it exists, but I wonder if the guys at Rifftrax know that they could have potentially done a VOD instead of a short.

But what to make of the short itself? It does at times seem chopped to hell, though I’m not sure what could have been added to make this thing a full length feature. It almost feels to me that this was something created by a heavily religious organization, possibly Christian, trying to make a movie to scare people out of premarital sex. Everyone in this film looks like they’re trying to imitate what they think non-Christians do with a sort of naive attempt at sleaziness.

The riffing keeps pace with the short, though I don’t think it hits the same highs as Know For Sure. The short is too choppy, too nonsensical, and too all over the place to really make heads or tails of, so the fact that they stay in tune with it is fairly impressive.

“You see, son, sometimes, when a shirtless teenage werewolf and a newborn love each other, very, very much...” Baby girlfriends! International squads of vampires with a host of mutant superpowers that should be blood in the water to Marvel’s legal department! A final, epic showdown between the forces of vampire “evil” and vampire “meh, whatever”! All that sounds amazing, right! It’s what we’ve been building to for four movies, right??? Like, something’s finally gonna happen! RIGHT???

Ah ha ha haaaa, remarkable. Believing this series would pay off in any way... to paraphrase Twilight: New Moon songstress Lykke Li, “There’s no posssibilityyyyyy.” This movie is mostly about an extended vampire family gathering to show support for Bella, its newest, most insipid and simpering member. Because that’s why people love vampires -- to see them form coalitions of understanding, and talk out their differences.

But there’s hope, in the form of effete ancient men in red - that’s right, more Volturi than ever before! And the great Michael Sheen offering a cackle of delight so extraordinary that the petition to make it part of his eventual Oscar death reel should begin NOW.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hide in the mustache of Mustache Dad for one last journey into the land of vampire sensitivity, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2!



At long last it is over. And boyfriends across the land were dragged to The Hunger Games instead and somehow convinced themselves it was preferable because it had more action. We were wrong. At least Twilight was funnier.

The final Twilight movie features Bella’s whining finally subsiding as she’s finally turned into a vampire, and raises a half-human/half-vampire daughter that is destined to screw Jacob doggie-style. The Volturi fear the existence of the child and march to destroy it, leading the Cullens to recruit a team of superhero vampires to protect the abomination. This all leads to a final confrontation that never happens, which is just as well because it’s one of the crappiest, most poorly choreographed action scenes in blockbuster history.

Yes it’s Twilight. The greatest romance of all time.

As much as I rag on this series, I’ve never actually disliked these movies so far. They’re boring at times, but they’re just too stupid and hilarious. How can I hate on the cinematic equivalent of Bart Simpson grabbing onto a electric cupcake?



Then there is this rancid wet dog fart of a movie. This is a whole new level of suck. I have trouble even classifying it as a movie at all, because it’s hardly about anything. Bella becomes a vampire, bringing about conflict of the life she has left behind...no wait, that’s pretty much all there is to it for her. After four movies of moping and thinking selfishly of herself she finally gets exactly what she wants, and it’s awesome. That’s the moral of Bella’s story, little girls, whine until you get your way because it’ll be worth it. The story of the child (I refuse to even type her godawful name) feels like something of an afterthought, as the film tries to build momentum behind her only to end in anticlimax.

And Breaking Dawn had to be two movies for what reason? This is twenty minutes of story padded out to an insane length. Do you want to know how padded this movie is? It has twenty minutes of credits. Twenty goddamn minutes of a movie that doesn’t even break two hours. It’s an epilogue turned into a movie because people would pay to see it anyway. That right there is insulting. flapjacks this movie.

In many ways Breaking Dawn Part 2 was the most hotly anticipated Rifftrax of all time. The film was the finale of their hottest selling series, and this particular film had just won Worst Picture at the Razzies (other Worst Pictures riffed include Cocktail, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and The Last Airbender). Considering how high the bar was set for previous Twilight riffs, this one had a lot of hype to live up to.

This is only the second time I’ve listened to this riff, and while I was somewhat underwhelmed the first time I find myself thinking more positive of it today. I was laughing just as steadily as the others and the guys readily embrace the stupidity of the film. One plus to this riff is that the movie has more Volturi than the previous films and they’re definitely a favorite of the boys, which leads to many fine Volturi riffs.

But I think I get a feeling of why this riff is a bit of a step back for me. Much like New Moon overdoes the gay jokes I find Breaking Dawn Part 2 rides a bit too much on Jacob’s pedophiliac love story with Bella and Edward’s daughter. It’s funny for a little while, but it starts to drown the riff in places where the gag isn’t needed. Although it does give me one of my all-time favorite riffs: “Must...make it...to...Alaska...Age of consent...only...sixteen…”

Ranking these Twilight riffs is somewhat difficult. I find my opinion changes in passing time, personally. For example I loved New Moon when it came out, but my response has been a bit more muted today. Personally after all these years the original is still the best one for me, with Breaking Dawn Part 1 a strong second. The other three might shift based on my mood. Eclipse has less monotonous running gags than the other two, but Breaking Dawn Part 2 might be the funniest of what remains. I’m going to say New Moon is probably the least, though ask me again in a few years and I’ll probably say something different in a few years.

At long last the Twilight saga is at a close. While it’s always a pleasure to listen to these riffs, I find myself so tired of the films that I’m tempted to say I’ll never marathon them like this again. But who am I kidding? I’ll probably dig these out again in six months and laugh myself silly. But for now, let’s just close this book and look forward to the future...

“Join us back here at Rifftrax.com for 50 Shades of Grey!”
“Nooooooooooooooooo!”

[Torgo]

As we wind down October into the satanic holiday it climaxes in, I will be spending the next three days watching three of the most beloved bad movies of all time. Let’s start with my personal favorite…

Day Twenty-Eight:


Film Year: 2010
Director: James Nguyen
Starring: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore
Riff Year: 2012 (also riffed in 2011)
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Featured Short: Norman Checks In

RiffTrax Live: Birdemic is now available as a VOD! Relive what critics are calling “Definitely one of the top two RiffTrax Live events of 2012!”

If you loved the live show the first time you saw it or missed it because you were too busy hanging out, hanging out with your family, now here is your chance to own it! There will be slrpnls, bark beetles and animals such as seals! Plus, the show kicks off with everyone’s favorite lovable loser, Norman, in the short Norman Checks In.

Birdemic is one of our favorite bad movies of all time, and there’s no better way to watch it than RiffTrax Live. So grab a coat hanger, fire up your solar powered TV and for the love of god fully vest your stock options! Birdemic!



What? You haven’t seen Bridemic? Boy, you haven’t lived. But if you are going to watch it, the Rifftrax Live version is hands down the best way to swallow it.

But before we get to the main feature we have a little matter of Norman Checks In, the latest short in the Norman series in which he checks into a hotel for some shut-eye. Of course in the world of Norman, that’s easier said than done. It’s one of the more amusing Norman shorts, I think. And while the riffing can just kinda bounce off it at times, when they play up the comedy of the short they succeed in getting a laugh as well.

Moving onto the main feature as quickly as I can, because I always get excited by this movie, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is an ultra-low-budget “homage” to Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. It tries to recreate the structure that worked so well in that movie, by starting off as a light romantic comedy blindsided by a sudden epidemic. Only it’s done...not well. And when I say “not well,” what I mean is you’ll watch this movie dumbfounded as to whether or not it’s a real movie or not. You’ll have a greater appreciation for the remake of Psycho as an honoring of Hitchcock after witnessing this movie.

And I flapjacksing love this movie.

I remember watching this movie for the first time. I found a copy for about two bucks at Hastings and knew there was a Rifftrax that had just came out for it. I popped it in hearing that it was supposed to be one of those funny midnight bad movies but I didn’t know much else other than the vague notion that it had bad acting and bad special effects. Watching it through for the first time, I was mesmerized. I discovered that the term “bad” wasn’t quite the right word, but rather hypnotically incompetent.

The acting is just plain weird, like a play put on by grade schoolers. Alan Bagh, who plays Rod, is the noted standout, with his stiff body language and awkward phrasing, and the odd and botched characterization of being an intelligent salesman making million dollar sales just makes for some delicious irony against the way he’s presented. Most of the supporting cast doesn’t fare much better, as it feels as if the crew just threw family members in front of the camera and had just told them what to say seconds before. But if I were to give credit where credit is due, the lead actress Whitney Moore seems to easily be the best of the bunch. She’s at the very least trying to have a charming, charismatic, and natural presence, but she is being anchored down by the shoddy production and winning dialogue such as “I didn’t do anything! She’s dead!” She seems to be horrible in this movie by circumstance and not by creative choice.

The use of special effects needs to be seen to be believed. I can only imagine director James Nguyen thinking he was being cutting edge by using computer graphics, only to mistake cutting edge computer graphics with graphics you can create on a computer at home. The birds in this movie are amazing, represented by what looks like sixteen bit sprites moving around in gif form. And that’s not all either, because apparently they can spit deadly acid, dive bomb and explode as well. Birdemic indeed! Of course, one could blame the effects on the fact that this is clearly not a professional production, and there is more than a few things wrong with it, such as washed out video and sloppy editing. But let’s not dwell on what is the direct result of something else, let’s just accept that it’s all terrible.

And that’s not all. Get this, this movie tacks on a irrelevant but hilarious eco-friendly message as well. There are plenty of dialogue scenes theorizing that the Birdemic has been caused by global warming, as the birds are enraged by the climate change’s killing of other species and the creation of bark beetles (no, seriously). They even name drop An Inconvenient Truth in the film like it’s the most badass movie of all time.

I now have a vivid image of Al Gore calling up James Nguyen and growling ”Stop helping me!”

This movie changed my life. It redefined what a bad movie could be, and it’s gems like these that I search the depths of bargain bin crap for. I find it hard to believe that I will ever find a movie so gloriously wrong that it becomes gloriously right ever again, but I can be thankful that I’ve at the very least found this one. This is the king of bad movie cinema. Eat it Plan 9 or The Room. Birdemic you are not.

The fact that I am watching this movie through Rifftrax is incidental. I could be watching it by itself right now and still be having a good time. But the guys are here to watch it with me so I might as well enjoy their company. Birdemic is the second Live show of 2012, which was probably a peak year for these shows. While there were only two, both shows were among the best.

The movie gives them so much to work with, and often something different around each corner. It starts out with a drawn out and awkward opening credit sequence the the guys perform skits and converse through. As soon as Rod opens his mouth, the guys are given exactly the character they need to ride the rest of the movie with a run-on gag devoted to his wooden dimwittedness. The hopelessly naive look at successful business ventures and supermodel “high life” keeps adding fuel to the fire until it climaxes with one hell of a fun scene at a “nightclub” (for lack of a better word).

Then the birds start attacking, and the audience just gets louder and louder. With every new thing the birds do, there’s an audience reaction of hysterics. The birds exploding into flame, getting shot, spitting acid, slitting throats…

If I were to criticize this Live show on one thing it’s that it loses steam in the last twenty minutes. Occasionally there’s something that will stir up a huge laugh, such as the tree hippie, but by this time the movie has presented so much stupidity in rapid succession that there really isn’t much left for it to do that will surprise us. This ultimately prevents Birdemic from being quite possibly the best Live show they’ve ever done, because up until this point it has huge consistent laughs.

::grumble:: Oh! I hear a mountain lion! I gotta run!

[Torgo]

Day Twenty-Nine:


Film Year: 1990
Director: Drake Floyd (Claudio Fragasso)
Starring: That famous YouTube clip of the guy screaming “Oh my goooooooooooooood!”
Riff Year: 2007
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Rich Kyanka
Selected Short: Drugs Are Like That (riffed by Mike, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett)

There are so many things to which drugs can be compared that to even attempt to catalog them would be an act of incomprehensible madness. Yet in this pastel colored, 1970's nightmare, two hard-of-hearing, loggorrheic pre-teens are up to the task! Have you always wondered, Are drugs like pumpkins? Like small willow saplings? Like those bags of cotton candy you can buy in gift shops? Find out as Mike, Kevin and Bill go once more unto the breach!



If drugs didn’t exist we may never have had Troll 2. But what exactly are drugs like?

This is one of those shorts that hammers into children's skulls that drugs are not a good thing, all the while skirting around the issue of what drugs actually are. Maybe children are too young to understand the issue, but I remember being a child and having many visitors in class telling us “Say NO to Drugs!,” little else, and leaving. I got that drugs are a bad thing, but that’s really all I knew. Is that enough? Arguably probably not, because I also recall getting mad at my parents for going to the “drug store” to get medicine and getting really angry at them because “drugs are BAD!” No difference between what drugs are needed for and the abuse of drugs was ever really specified.

Drugs Are Like That makes a lot of comparisons between taking drugs and other bad habits. Sometimes it’s an interesting parallel, and in others it’s just wildly silly. Basically the impression I get from seeing drugs being compared to an adult playing “Don’t Step on a Crack” is that drugs are a goofy, fun thing.

The riffing questions the logic of all these comparisons. Sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes they play it up. Early on the short compares drugs to denying a baby a pacifier, and Bill goes on a hilarious skit where he has the baby going through withdrawal symptoms. They also have a lot of rants about the mumbling, repetitious main children of the short, who are constantly saying phrases like “What’s that?,” “What?,” and murmurs that are hard to make out.

Drugs Are Like That is a classic short in just about every way. If one is just getting started on these ten minute joys, this is a great place to start.

"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production?

Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!"

Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax.



Alert, ladies and gents! We have a guest riffer! Outside of Janet and Cole’s funny take on Jaws III and a brief stint by Paul F. Tompkins I haven’t ventured too far out of the Mike, Kevin, and Bill comfort zone for this marathon. But considering they’ve saturated Rifftrax with their content, that is somewhat expected. Here we have Rich Kyanka of somethingawful.com, who has suggested this week’s film, the crap movie classic Troll 2, that is neither a sequel to Troll nor does it actually feature trolls.

The film is about a boy who is warned by his deceased grandfather about goblins who desire to eat his family. Now, these goblins are vegetarian, so in order to actually eat people they need to feed them a vegetative slime in order to turn them into more vegetative slime. The family takes a road trip to a town called Nilbog (get it?), which I’m assuming is here in Idaho because this seems par for the course on our small towns. The residents of Nilbog are all goblins in disguise and try to feed the family their slime food, as the son tries to prevent them from ingesting it.

There’s an inherent problem to riffing Troll 2, and it’s that pointing out its flaws somehow makes it less funny. My gut reaction to this riff is “Shut up, I’m trying to laugh at the movie!” Troll 2 as a film is a marvel to behold. Initially titled “Goblins” the film was retitled “Troll 2” in hopes for greater box office success. While it didn’t work out initially it did wonders for the long run, because nowadays I think more people have seen Troll 2 than the original Troll (as of this writing I haven’t seen the first either), and it probably wouldn’t have happened if the film wasn’t given the misleading title, because that became part of the joke.

Title issues aside, the story is complete lunacy as it tries to get us to fear “man-eating-with-a-huge-asterisk” goblins that technically can’t eat us unless we do something super specific. Compounding this is the unprofessional production, as it’s directed almost like a cartoon and the acting is either completely overdone or full of a sense of apathy, depending on the person. Troll 2 is an experience you’ll never forget for all the wrong reasons.

Birdemic is still “better,” though.

When it comes down to the actual riffing, Mike and Rich just kind of underline the movie. To an extent this riff is funny because of how funny Troll 2 is, and the riff doesn’t really enhance the experience. They will make dozens of jokes about how there are no actual Trolls in this movie, but they just kinda bounce off the film because there is usually something funnier going on onscreen. There are a few well executed jabs, but I’m not convinced that this movie works for the format.

Rich isn’t bad as a riffer, though I find his voice to be a tad too dry for my taste. He often comes off as an amateur on iRiffs rather than an actual comedian. I guess technically he isn’t really a comedian, so to an extent he does fine with keeping up with Mike, but mostly he and Mike don’t really have a chemistry. And in the end using Troll 2 for a riff might be a miscalculation, because it’s certainly a bad movie but it’s much more amusing to just let the movie be itself.

[majorjoe23]

I’d love for RiffTrax to redo Troll 2 as either a three riffer version or a Live event.

[Torgo]

Day Thirty:


Film Year: 1966
Director: Hal P. Warren
Starring: Hal P. Warren, Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Diane Mahree, Jackey Neyman
Riff Year: 2012 (also riffed in 1993 and 2015)
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Featured Short: Welcome Back, Norman, At Your Fingertips: Cylinders

Ever since RiffTrax Live: “Manos” the Hands of Fate aired in theaters nationwide, people have been asking us when it will be available for home viewing. Seriously, non-stop. Leaving notes under our windshield wipers. Lurking outside our windows at night, softly whistling the Torgo theme. Polite, perfectly friendly facebook comments. All KINDS of crazy ways!

For those who missed it in theaters, this is a completely new riff of “Manos” The Hands of Fate, the Texas-fertilizer-salesman-directed classic made famous by Mystery Science Theater 3000. All new jokes, same old Torgo. See Mike, Kevin and Bill riff it all on stage in front of a live audience at the Belcourt Theatre in Nashville!

PLUS! Before the main event, a live riffing of two extra-demented shorts. At Your Fingertips: Cylinders, from the same insane child arts & crafts series that brought you Grasses and Boxes. And Welcome Back, Norman which introduced us all to revolting folk hero Norman, along with his now famous (and also revolting) catchphrase.



Yes folks, any riffing or schlock Halloween marathon just isn’t complete without “Manos” The Hands of Fate, often said to be the worst movie “discovered” by Mystery Science Theater 3000. This movie is such the ultimate bad horror movie that I almost made it my October 31st choice. Sigh, however...Rifftrax did tackle the ONE MOVIE I would watch on Halloween over Manos. And I think we can all guess what that movie is. But I digress.

As we settle into Rifftrax’s first re-riffing of an MST classic (and it wouldn’t be the last, including Live shows of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Santa Claus, and Time Chasers), let us welcome back Norman for the last time in this marathon with the first short the guys subjected us to. Welcome Back, Norman sees Norman struggle with an airport parking lot and showcases his desperation to get out. I’d say the Norman short from the Birdemic show is probably a bit better, but this one is decent. The riffing reflects that at this point they don’t know who Norman is, so they constantly say variations of “Welcome back! Who’s Norman?” Like all Norman shorts they mostly let it speak for itself and underline it a little bit. If you like Norman, chances are you’ll like this.

So welcome back, Norman. Now get lost. I don’t have to see you again in this marathon.

After that is a vintage commercial for prune juice, featuring a man who is way too ecstatic to be guzzling down prune juice. They don’t exactly riff it, just react to it. But as slight as it is, it’s pretty funny.

Afterward we’re treated to another short, this one a part of the popular At Your Fingertips craft shorts. This one is about craft projects you can dig out of the trash can, specifically out of cardboard cylinders such as oatmeal containers and toilet paper rolls. Personally I think the crafts featured in this short are a bit neater than the ones in the grass short, but that doesn’t stop our boys from doing a killer riffing job on this one. While the grass short will most likely be the superior of these shorts for most, I think Cylinders earns a spot of respect as well.

Now somewhere in this first half hour of the Live show I hear there was a cameo from someone playing Torgo. I hear this scene was embarrassing and not funny, but I can’t say for certain because it has been edited out of the home release and I was unable to see this one in theaters. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I hear the editing scissors were an act of mercy for the audience.

Moving on the the film, what is there to say about Manos? If you love MST or riffing in general you’re likely intimately familiar with this movie, and you either love it or despise it because of it. The story has a family on vacation and winding up in a countryside house resided in by a Satan worshiper known as The Master, his many wives, and his (presumably) “satyr” manservant Torgo. They conspire to either kill the family or assimilate it into their cult.

Infamous as a movie made on a bet, director/star Hal Warren had a discussion with a filmmaker and claimed making a movie was easy, and was dared to make one himself. Which he did. Apparently he won his bet, and it was anybody who paid to see it who lost. The film was shot on cheap cameras that shot minimal amounts of film at a time with no sound, causing the entire film to be dubbed. As a result half the film is out of focus and framing is horrendous.

Is Manos the worst movie ever? I can honestly say I have greater appreciation for this movie than The Happening. The movie’s poor production actually gives it an eerie vibe, which makes it mildly successful as a horror film. Even Mike claims his wife Bridget finds the film unsettling. There’s a level that the movie works on, it’s just not a competence one. So there are things to appreciate in this otherworldly snuff film from another dimension.

Seeing how the MST version of this movie is considered a classic, so taking it on for Rifftrax is daunting. But I have to say, having watched the original Manos riff last month, I find this Rifftrax Live version to be just as good if not slightly better. Back in the MST days they seemed a bit more cautious about this movie, and while the riffs were funny, they were much lighter. Rifftrax is faster and more aggressive with the movie, because they know exactly what they’re in for. As a result the movie becomes less daunting and is more like an old friend they’re teasing for kicks.

The MST version will always be a classic, but I find myself drifting more toward this one when I’m the mood to watch Manos. I think they went above and beyond on this one.

[Torgo]

Welcome to the final day of Schlocktober! As my month long project draws to a close, I feel regret. Rifftrax has riffed so many movies, many a lot worse than the ones I did watch, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. There are also a few classics I could have thrown in but didn’t get to. Anaconda and Mothra were a part of the original line-up, but were pushed out in favor of Predator and The Sixth Sense. I also glossed over the likes of Poltergeist, Ghost, The Lost Boys, Dark Water, Flatliners, Drag Me to Hell, and the most terrifying film Rifftrax ever tackled, High School Musical, all because I simply didn’t have the time.

But let’s savor this last one, shall we?

Happy Halloween!


Film Year: 1978
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence
Riff Year: 2006
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
Selected Short: The Calendar: How To Use It (also riffed by Bill Corbett)

The Calendar. Whether you choose a Far Side page-a-day, an Anne Geddes year-of-horror or Twelve Months of Lifeguards that May Be Used as Flotation Devices, one thing is certain: none of us know how to use the damn things.

Fortunately, five minutes before recording The Calendar: How to Use It, the producers told a PA to pick up a guitar that he didn't know how to play and write some songs explaining the intricacies of the calendar. The result is quite possibly the most tuneless piece of garbage since The Beatles "Wild Honey Pie", except instead of the charming introductory act of "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da", The Calendar: How to Use It has two spandex clad adults who intrude in a young girl's bedroom in a fashion that Antoine Dodson would disapprove of. Suffice to say, you will be far more confused about the calendar by the time the thing is done.

Mike, Kevin and Bill team up not only to riff this short, but also to open an eBay store selling vintage 1994 calendars, which are due to fully mature in value in 2017.

How would you know what day is Halloween if you don’t know how to use a calendar? Don’t worry! Two college cheerleader understudies and a folk singer reject are here to help! A little girl misheard the date of someone’s birthday party, that obviously means she doesn’t know how to use a calendar (I guess)! Let’s learn with her!

Painful attempts at “fun” hampers this attempt at teaching children an everyday object. I’m sure we’ve all long since forgotten the days when we didn’t understand the calendar, though remedial learning seems to be a favorite short type of Mike, Kevin, and Bill. The riffing gets frustrated at the slow teaching and lousy songwriting which make up the majority of this short. There’s also an amusing skit where their heads “explode” halfway through, which was I assume done because the short was getting too repetitive. But this is a funny one, though not quite a classic.

The most shocking Halloween-related thing ever -- with the possible exception of the joke about Mrs. Ghost not being able to get pregnant because Mr. Ghost had a hollow weenie. But in a respectable 2nd place, anyway, is Halloween, the horrifying tale of an evil madman named Mike Myers (as if his Simon character wasn't chilling enough) who terrorizes a babysitter by putting on a jumpsuit and hiding in the hedge. (A technique now widely used by custodians the world over.)

Featuring the blood curdling theme song by director John Carpenter in which he hits a G on a piano key 900 times, then a C about 738 times and then hammers on the G for a time before hitting a G# and then starting the process over again and repeating it several hundred thousand times. Because he was too chicken to sit in the dark and watch it by himself, Mike enlisted the help of his old pal Kevin Murphy for this hilarious RiffTrax. You'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll jump out of your seat! (And then you should probably start watching the movie).



What else to watch on Halloween other than Halloween? One of the best horror films ever made and the template for the slasher genre. Imitated by many (including itself, with countless sequels), matched by none except Bride of Chucky.

Fifteen years after the murder of his sister, psychopath Michael Myers escapes from a mental hospital and heads back to his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois. On Halloween night he stalks a group of unsuspecting babysitters while being hunted down by his psychiatrist.

Halloween is a masterpiece of mood and tension that has been written about many times. There is very little I can add to the discussion, except that I quite like the movie. There has been an endless string of sequels that try to give this simple movie q mythology, but none of which are nearly as interesting or well made as the original.

But let’s move on to the Rifftrax, which is one that I’ve only watched once about ten years ago and remember not caring for. I was surprised that there are actually quite a few laughs that I had forgotten about. During the film’s long patches of walking Mike and Kevin improvise a lot of humorous little skits, with the highlight of the entire riff coming toward the beginning where they turn Michael’s POV murder of his sister into John Carpenter returning home to his wife in a grumpy state. Throughout the rest of the film they also find great effect giving silent killer Michael Myers a voice, often giving him hilarious dialogue as he appears randomly throughout the movie.

At the same time, I can see why this Trax left me cold way back when, because it can be incredibly frustrating in how inconsistent it is. Some of the picking apart of continuity errors can be funny, but for the most part it grows dull. Their frustration with the slow pacing of the film and lack of killing throughout the first fifty minutes really just bounce off the movie because it works so damn well. Rifftrax might have been better off riffing one of the increasingly crappy sequels, of which riffs like these might not seem like such a wasted effort.

Or they could have riffed Friday the 13th instead, which is something I’ve been saying since this damn website started.

But in the end I have to change my judgment of this Trax from not recommended to moderately recommended. The laughs that are there make this one well worth the money, but I still consider this a lesser effort. There are high profile slasher movies far more worthy of this treatment than Halloween, and it’s almost painful that they never bothered to do any.

Well, this month was a lot of work, but also a lot of fun as well. I saw some good movies, and a lot of bad ones. Let’s conclude by making a crappy list out of them, shall we?

Best Movies:
1. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
1. Jaws
2. Halloween
3. Predator
4. Night of the Living Dead
5. The Grudge
6. Psycho II
7. Little Shop of Horrors
8. Alien
9. Paranormal Activity
10. Saw


Worst Movies
1. The Happening
2. "Manos" The Hands of Fate
3. Retro Puppet Master
4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
5. When a Stranger Calls Back
6. The Last Shark
7. The Island of Dr. Moreau
8. The Twilight Saga: New Moon
9. Sharknado 2: The Second One
10. Sharknado

Best Rifftrax:
1. Twilight
2. The Sixth Sense
3. "Manos" The Hands of Fate
4. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
5. Cloverfield
6. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
7. The Island of Dr. Moreau
8. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
9. When a Stranger Calls Back
10. Alien

I haven’t decided if I want to do this again next year. There are quite a few more horror movies Rifftrax has done, many way schlockier than this. But we’ll see what happens, because I enjoyed myself and maybe making this an annual tradition until I bleed Rifftrax dry would be a neat project for the next few years. But until then, Happy Halloween!

[Torgo]

And for those who want more, head on down to my review thread in the reviews section. Starting tomorrow is my Turkey A Day MST3K November Marathon! In order to make up how dormant it has been since April, get ready for thirty reviews to be posted the entire month!