Reuisu's Once-In-A-While Reviews

[Reuisu]

I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and try reviewing MST episodes. I'll update every once in a while when I feel the need to express my opinion to a bunch of people who don't care. ^_^

As such, let's begin my first review with my favorite movie (although not episode) shown on MST3K:

311 - IT CONQUERED THE WORLD

Short: Come, one and all! It's chills, thrills, and... uh... General Mills in this little Winter Wonderland of a short called "Snow Thrills." This short was HILARIOUS, I was on the ground when Tom did his re-pronounciation of one of the title cue cards describing skiing in Canada. We have a far-too upbeat narrator describing the "joys" of winter sports to some elevator music and a group of people who I'm sure have been injured in far too many accidents involving winter sports.

Movie ...Well, it a conquered a CAVE, anyway. IMHO, this movie is the best EVER to come from Roger Corman, and although there was plenty of material here to be riffed, I really loved this movie. Why? I'll tell you after I explain it to you.

This movie features Lee Van Cleef, before he moved to Japan and became a ninja, as an intelligent scientist who has made contact with the last survivors of the planet Venus who wish to come to earth to "help" us. Peter Graves is his best friend who has recently launched a satellite into space that has been hijacked by a Venusian. As the film progresses, Peter Graves and Lee Van Cleef square off in heated philosophical debates while the monster attempts to conquer the world in a somewhat slow fashion. It all ends in fire as Lee decides that the Venusian is evil and dies stopping the foul turnip and Peter Graves gives the best ending monologue ever.

Review: I've got a soft spot for Corman. He managed to create a lot of films on low budget and even managed to make some of them half-decent, and this one in particular excels excellently. Now, that's not to say that the movie is so perfect that it shouldn't have been on MST3K, I just feel that it was a really enjoyable movie.

As a philosopher, I really enjoy topics of the needs of individuals vs. the needs of society as a whole. The basis for all of the arguments between Lee and Peter are about that, with Peter defending individuality and free will while Lee believed that humanity would be better served and advanced if it worked collectively under the control of the Venusian. However, Peter's arguments prove right in the end, particularly on the claim that total logic can only serve the individual and cannot be applied to an entire culture (sorry, other Star Trek fans, but the Vulcans have got it wrong. ^_~).

All of the actors and actresses did splendidly in this one, particularly the lead characters of Peter Graves, Lee Van Cleef, and Beverly Garland, who even managed to pull a Bruce Campbell and try to go after the monster with a shotgun. Sadly, she failed, but I certainly give her props for trying. Anyway, as I'm supposed to be reviewing the MST3K episode and not just the movie, allow me to forth with this one:

The riffing on the movie is just excellent, from the sparse Peter Graves/Biography jokes to the attacks against the less-than scary Venusian, and the riffs on the dialogue and situations. The host segments were up and down for me, starting off with Crow as a ventriloquist dummy (although Joel being the dummy briefly was funny), and the invention exchange didn't really do anything for me. The first break featured Tom and the guys making fun of the short, but I found that since I'm a Minnesotan, too, this just hit a bit close to home and wasn't funny enough. However, they did do a similar thing with Ross in a later episode and that was friggin' hilarious. The next host segment was great, attacking the picturesque dinner sequence of the movie. The final break showing the actors and actresses last names was more educational than funny, but it proved insightful. The end of the episode featuring the Peter Graves ending monologue was great, after all, you can't get enough of that deep, insightful Peter Graves stuff. Man is a feeling creature, dang it!

****1/2 out of *****

Best Line: Joel - "Yeah, well, you're full of skit."

[vanhagar3000]

Reuisu said:

This movie features Lee Van Cleef, before he moved to Japan and became a ninja,

LOL, good review, keep them coming.

[Reuisu]

507 - I Accuse My Parents

Short: ...What in the hell is truck farming?! Well, we don't know, but we certainly see lots of farming and maybe one or two trucks. After the series ended, I kind of fell out of MST3K for awhile. I still loved it, but it just didn't hold a big interest for me. Then, one day, I downloaded a copy of the "Truck Farmer" short and it's gotten me to where I am today - a fully-obsessed MSTie. This one's high quality riffing, particularly in the first five minutes. "Go Speed Farmer! Go Speed Farmer! Go Speed Farmer Gooooo!" Then of course, making fun of the obviously-dated images of Mexican workers who come over to "help." As Crow put it, they make it sound so nice!

Movie: "They laughed when I accused my parents and I killed them... Let's see if they'll be laughing nooooow!" I'm certainly laughing. This is high quality MST3K at its best, and it's easy to use with a movie like this one.

Let's explain this little piece of cheese, shall we? Jimmy Wilson (It's always the Jimmies...) has some negligent, alcoholic parents and his embarassment over them forces him to tell elaborate lies about them to his classmates, who, in this shockingly benign parallel universe, are all in awe of Jimmy's essay talents (although after that small excerpt from it was read, I was scared to see what the other essays were like if that piece of crap won the contest). Jimmy takes a job as a shoe salesman, meets a beautiful singing girl, and since all nightclub owners in movies are evil mobsters, the girl's boss/boyfriend is, too, and enlists Jimmy to deliver and pick up packages for him. Jimmy FINALLY catches wind of this fact and runs away and meets one of the most beloved movie characters of all time before trying to return home and accidentally shoots the mob boss as the police come in. The Judge gives him a slap on the wrist and it all ends with the Judge explaining how parents need to be better with their kids... as if all of Jimmy's problems were tied back to his parents, when it's fairly obvious that Jimmy's just a total moron.

Review: This is, without a doubt, one of the best episodes of MST3K. They were off to a strong start with the Truck Farmer short and it only got better from there as the riffing was totally on target. The host segments were great, starting with Joel's little project of psychoanalyzing the bots, then moving on to a funny parody of the singing of 'Are you Happy in Your Work,' (Not a bad song, either), before ending up in the third host segment explaining why the idea that all of Jimmy's problems being caused by his parents is an oversimplified, rediculous argument.

It all came to a stellar conclusion as they imitate the hamburger stuff near the end of the movie, and when Joel tricks the bots away, he pulls out a hamburger. However, the bots return in force in a tank, take the sandwich, and I was on the ground once again in sheer joy as Tom uttered the line, "Joel, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR MENU!" The riffing was great, particularly about the sheer ineptness of Jimmy, the alcoholism, and the overdramatized performances of the cast, although I repeat: the hamburger guy's just that one nice, likeable character in MST3K that you just say, "Wow, there should be more guys in the world like that."


***** out of *****

Best Line: All - "LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!"

[Slick's ghost]

Nice work, Reuisu.

[Reuisu]

524 - 12 To the Moon... ALICE!

Short: "Hunny, have you seen the- OH MY GOD!" Mike's words sum up the sort very nicely. This little acid trip from General Motors company features a pair of bad singers dubbed over the non-moving lips of Winona Rider and Tuxedo Mask- er... that is, to say, the actor and actress in this short. The music is dreadful and painful to behold, and behold the lovely sexist idea that women need to bake cakes for their husbands. What in the hell these push-button products have to do with cars is never explained, but by the end we don't care because the pure, raw insanity of it all has made our heads explode. Jeez, at "Once Upon a Honeymoon" had a catchy tune...

Movie: You know how some TV shows make fun of those cheesey '50s Science fiction films with lame effects, bad acting, and even worse science? Well, until this movie, I'd never actually seen one.

In possibly the most UNREALISTIC display of international cooperation, twelve people from different countries are chosen for a space flight to the moon! We're headed by beefy American hero Flint Beefpile, of course, and we set off to the moon, Alice! Er, I mean, on our historic flight to the moon! Come to think of it, they mention "First landing/flight on/to the moon" quite a bit in this movie like we had forgotten that fact over the last two minutes. We get assaulted by some chicken nuggets as we go along and learn some very stupid and non-real scientific crap. Anyway, we land on the moon with its stage crew setting it up and normalizing the gravity for earth standard. Oh, also, the stage hands are very busy setting up an area of air for people to breathe and bringing in some acid and quicksand. Anyway, after about losing half of the crew to one catastrophe after another, our brave American hero Stud Riprock sets off back to earth and has some chicken nuggets continually hit his vessel YET AGAIN. We then learn that the Chinese have already conquered the moon and want us off. However, they're so pissed off about us not having the kind of cats that they want that they decide to freeze the earth. After some technobabble and really lame models, two more of the valiant crew are killed and the emotionless Chinese decide that they really do have emotions after all and let us live. "I did it! I saved us all! I'm Chunk Ironchest AND I WON!"

Review: WOW. Who would've ever thought that science could be so terribly torn to shreds in a movie? I can understand people not grasping a lot of the more complex science stuff, but COME ON, invisible ray screens? Air on the moon? Gravity like earth's? Puh-leeze. Still, despite Mike's comment on the subject, this movie identified the potential for sonic showers, showers that used sound instead of water to clean people, years ahead of Gene Roddenberry and Star Trek. There's just so much to say about this movie and I don't know where to start, whether it be the lame science, the poor acting, or the script problems. A couple of things I noticed, though: The asian woman who was along for the trip to the moon is from Japan (as established in dialogue) yet she's fluent in Chinese as if it were her primary language? Why are the aliens speaking Chinese in the first place? The magnet buoy makes sense (using a powerful magnet to pull someone out of a situation like that), but how come they didn't try that on their first friend who fell into the quicksand? If they're going exploring, how come only two of them separate off from the main group? Oh, and buddies? THERE'S NO STEAM IN A VACUUM!

The riffing is top notch, as usual, but the short kind of fell flat for me since they didn't seem to have as big a reaction to the pure, raw insanity of it that I did. The theater segments were full of laughs, mostly at the total lack of scientific knowledge that this movie exhibits. The opening with the tea party was cute, as was the roast on Dr. Forrester. The tennis game was just great, with Servo exploding at Gypsy. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?! WHY DON'T YOU GROW SOME HAIR?!" The host segments revolve around Nuveena, the singing and dancing lady from the future. While not altogether hilarious, they were cute and I like Bridget when she does a good character. Nuveena is an ebil anti-robot extremist. I wonder if she saw the Matrix?

**** out of *****

Best Line: (Many to choose from, but this one's wonderful in my mind, considering I'm from Minnesota): Mike - "This kind of weather wouldn't even FAZE the Midwest!"

[Reuisu]

904 - WERWILF

...er, WEREWOLF

Movie: Wow. I mean... wow. You know, there are some movies out there that have been made in recent years that I didn't like, but usually that was a result of script issues, sub-par acting, or terrible dubbing, but they were never BAD like they were in this movie. I thought that directors, after 1990, had finally gotten a clue and made fairly okay movies that weren't technically shot to hell, and the fault was more on the material they worked with and the skills of whoever was acting in it.

I was so, so wrong.

It's sad to think that a movie like this had actually been made and released while MST3K was still on the air, around their fifth season, if I'm doing the math right. It's got just so much terribleness in it... Well, let's actually get to the plot, of what little there is of one. Let's begin by discussing a little theory of mine. This theory has been shown in its best context during an episode of the Cartoon Network series "Justice League," which features our superhero team accidentally getting shifted into a parallel reality based on the exploits of other superheroes that were made into comics in the real world. The creators of the comic book drew their inspiration, unknowingly, from this alternate reality, but when the original team died in their reality, the stories stopped coming to them and the comic ended. One of many wacky theories I have is that all imagination and creative thought are people seeing into different realities and bringing it together in the form of art, books, movies, etc., which is how we get into the movie now.

In the first of these realities, a werewolf skeleton is uncovered by a group of "archeologists" who get into a fight and one of them is injured by the skeleton, forcing him to turn into a werewolf. After some dumb exposition about sleeping with your face in your ass and some poor accents and acting, the werewolf escaped from a hospital and heads back to his home or "nest." There, he is shot by Joe Estevez and his Indian buddy, so ending any possible threat from the Werebear- er, Werewolf. "The LEAST successful Werewolf EVER." Crow comments quite accurately.

Thus ends the real first movie, since the writer could no longer draw inspiration from the alternate reality in which the threat was put down thanks to the surprising twist of Joe Estevez actually being smarter than everyone thought he was. Obviously, however, this doesn't work in Hollywood, so they sent the writer back to make up an extended version of this tale, but leave out all the stuff with Joe Estevez since they couldn't afford to make him the hero of their film, since he wasn't attractive enough for Hollywood standards (despite the fact that I can honestly say he looks like Martin Sheen in a couple of scenes. FREAKY!).

The writer, not having anything good in mind, just throws together the rest of the plot about a foreign guy named Paul (Paul must be the unluckiest name in the world. Just look at all the movies out there where the guy named Paul just gets screwed over!) who is supposedly a writer (I've written and published two books with a third on the way, there's no way in hell that this guy's a writer) and he meets a few of the cast members of the first part of the movie. Everyone in this film is foreign, save for the lead evil guy who's not really that evil, but he's not in the film enough to be considered really part of the movie. After three months worth of full moons, Paul becomes a Warwilf, kills some people, and then somehow his girlfriend becomes a werewolf and the John Kerry-look alike evil guy dies when he hits himself in the face with his own arms a bunch of times. THE END.

Oh, and there's this adorable Keeper guy named Sam. I love 'im.

Review: No words can describe just how badly this movie was made... No, wait, yes they can! Poor lighting, actors that, for no reason whatsoever, have been chosen because they're foreign, weird dialogue that implies a lot of editing done to the movie, full moons that last a couple of weeks, terrible werewolf costumes, bad sound, awful music, and not enough Joe Estevez, who was the only likeable person in this whole damn movie.

The riffing is awesome in the theater segments, with jokes on the accents - "Pull! You is a Warwilf!" to the cheap Werewolf effects - "Fully a bear now." and ending it all with a medley of songs over the terrible Indian chanting that was done in the credits. "Tusk!" is one of my favorite MST3K songs, since it introduced me to several songs that I know cherish, including "Surry with a Fringe on Top" and "One Night in Bangkok." The Host Segments are an interesting bunch, beginning splendidly with Mike as James Lipton (an EXCELLENT impression of him, I might add) which follows up into one of the best escape attempts ever - Mike climbing down a ladder and ending up in castle Forrester. The "Who would you have in your werewolf movie?" segment is cute but not really funny. "Where o Werewolf" is a great song, and it's disturbing in a way to notice that they actually look really cute as a girl group. The Werecrow segments were really funny when I first saw them, but for some reason they wane down on repeat viewings. It all ends with Pearl trying to make a Werewolf, but Bobo brings in an adorable puppy instead of a wolf. Awwww! ^_^

****1/2 out of *****

Best Line: Crow - "So his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into Werewolves one by one and having them crash their cars?" Mike - "Well, it seems to be working so far, you can't fault him on that."

[Reuisu]

1012 - Squirm

Short: I don't know the history of '50s educational shorts, but this might be the crowning "What if so-and-so had never been invented" short of the era. In it, a demonic little sprite named Coily shows up as some balding guy is complaining about having to fix the springs in his couch instead of playing golf. Coily takes away all the springs in the world, apparently making all objects in the world useless since EVERYTHING has a spring in it! Sadly, this short doesn't adress all of the moral and philosophical issues driving around its premise, like how does Coily fit into God's plans, if the physics involving spring action are affected by the sudden eradication of all physical springs, etc. Of course, Mike makes the best comment about the biggest plot oversight of the whole thing: "So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays?"

Movie: ...

...

...

Dear God. We lived through the Wisconsin southerners of "Giant Spider Invasion," quaked in terror at the yokel antics of Buffalo Bill in "Riding With Death," and we even got smacked by the ever-increasingly southern characters introduced in "Boggy Creek II," but, oh dear lord, IT DOESN'T GET MORE SOUTHERN THAN THIS MOVIE. From the instant you start to hear these people speak, you know you're in for a rough, sadistic ride of southerners who are only southern for the sake of BEING southern. I'm sorry, folks, but Crow was right, if this is what the South is REALLY like, then, "In fact, south, SECEDE. We won't stop you this time. Go ahead!"

In this, the second to last episode of MST3K, we are once again tried to be played for idiots by filmmakers who know nothing about science and even less about actual facts. The movie begins with some mumbo jumbo about how electricity was sent into the ground and one of the most "bizarre freaks of nature ever recorded" occurred in a town called Fly Creek, trying to make the audience believe that the events that transpired were real.

...Yeah, and Osama Bin Laden's just a peacenik hippie who wants us all to come together and sing kumbiyah.

Anyway, we are further expected to believe that electricity transforms worms into semi-intelligent flesh-eating millipedes who go around en-masse and turn people into "da worm-face." More southern people come around and there's some northern geek who's really into antiquing before he plays Scooby Doo in trying to find out the mystery of the skeleton! It all ends as a deus ex machina somehow makes all the worms disappear overnight.

...The hell?!

Review: Great work on the penultimate show, guys. It's a pity that you had to endure this one.

The movie is just TERRIBLE, what with characters whose motivations aren't very clear and not a one of them is likeable in any manner... well, except for Roger's dad, who sadly gets eaten by worms. Roger's dad is the only realistic and likeable character because he acts with sense - getting pissed off about losing his worm shipment because his dumb cracker of a son loaned out his truck to a pretty (if you can really call a twig that) girl. To make matters worse, we don't get any real explanation on why the worms are behaving the way they are and if they really are supposed to be the bad guys. After all, they killed the sheriff, Roger, and all of the other dumb southern people. And if you're thinking about how one bit the northern geek of an idiot, he was simply defending himself from being nibbled to death by fish. GO WORMS!

The theater segments are a blast, starting very strong with a short that never gets old - "Guns, eh?" before moving onto our feature that's just a can of worms (gets beat up by readers for dumb pun). Anyway, we start with the SOL's annual safety check before moving onto Pearl's stuff, where she's trying to take over the world by making a continuously bigger fair! Huzzah! The host segments during the movie start with Mikey, the Mike sprite, a hilarious character who warps Mike out of existence... although Servo and Crow really don't care, anyway. Then Servo comes down with Southern Belle-ness, a not very funny segment but nifty, nonetheless. Then Mike tries to make a batch of killer worms, but instead comes up with a killer snack! Mmm-mmm-mmm! It all ends with Pearl's less-than impressive fair stuff and Crow falling again. All in all, a neat little episode.

Oh, and let's not forget: "MR. BEEEAARDSLEEEEEEEY?!"

**** out of *****

Best Line: Servo - "Stop having worms in your body, you idiot!"

[Reuisu]

501 - The Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild Word of Batwoman

Short: If you Cheat, your life is over. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. In this wonderfully dark short from our friends at Jam Handy, little Johnny is stressed out by Algebra and needs to get good grades in order to stay in Student Council, Sports, and social life, in general. After he and his friend, Mary, are caught cheating, the entire world turns its back on Johnny for this deadly sin... although we're never told of the repurcussions for poor Mary for her part in this...

Movie: Deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh deh BATWOMAN!

Well, not really. See, the Adam West Batman series, although forever destroying the image of Batman being a Dark Knight, still had enough campy fun that you could laugh at it and have a generally good time, especially with Special Guest Villains who had superb acting skills even with the material they were given. However, instead of having a nutty good time, we get this piece of crap starring a woman whose only claim to holding anything related to a bat is a weird necklace/tatoo thing that she has in the shape of a bat.

Right off the bat (POOM!) the movie has problems with determining what in the hell sort of a movie it's supposed to be. I can't tell if it's a serious drama, a superhero movie, an action movie, or a comedy. Remember how it was said that one of the qualities for the right kind of MST3K movie was semi-decent sound? This movie definitely fails on it. Even when I turn it way up, it's difficult to understand what people are saying. As for what kind of goes for a plot in Jerry Warran's twisted little mind, Batwoman tries to protect some sort of atomic-powered [??] (Bracketed Question marks are copyright material of The Agony Booth ©) Hearing aid that's trying to be taken by a Mexican Wrestler and Batwoman, along with her merry band of shimmying strippers, must protect it from its very own creator!

...Why the guy never just took the thing himself is never explained, especially when you consider that the VP of Ayjax didn't know about the 15-Day time limit until it was mentioned to him by the President.

However, this movie does have one redeemable quality in it that it gives the history of our heart attack-plagued scientist from NASA from "Giant Spider Invasion." Before he moved onto NASA, he resigned in disgrace from the Ayjax construction company after his atomic hearing aid kind of killed a bunch of people on a beach but DIDN'T succeed in killing Batwoman and her strippers. Just makes you want to rent the Biography of it, don't it?

Review: Mike's still an early bird here, but that doesn't make the riffing any less significant. This is one weird ass movie, but they do a great job of tearing it to pieces. We even have an early example of how the crew deals with irritating credit sequences that offer little or no riffing potential, in this case Mike brings popcorn into the theater! Anyway, this movie is rightfully in its place here on MST3K, since it simply sucks so much. Mike and the Bots have a great time tearing it to shreds from its continuity errors, (“Take my word for it, folks, something happened here”), it’s unfunny racist joke (“Ching-Ming-Hyung-Hi-Nyow!”), or the insanity that results in its ending (“All of a sudden it’s a weird-ass hootenanny!”).

Like many episodes, the Host Segments are expanding on the ridiculousness of the short, in which little Johnny’s life turns into a soulless nightmare of a time because of the fact that he cheated. You know, everybody’s cheated in their life on something, whether they know it or not. Get over it, Jam Handy. In any case, this results in Servo going absolutely crazy with rage against Crow for his cheating, reflecting the attitudes of those in the short about it.

In any case, wacky little movie plus comically dark short and great host segments create another fine episode. I promise that next time I review an episode it’ll be one I don’t like. Promise.

***** out of ******

Best Line: Servo - "EEEEEEEND! EEEEEEEEEND!"

[Reuisu]

703 - Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

Movie: It's almost amazing at how many MST men can be loathsome characters. There's the general slobs like Mitchell or the oily features of Arch Hall, Jr., but then there's the loathsome hero like Deathstalker. The man thinks he's God's gift to women. He's the smarmiest, smuggest, lecherous pile of loathsome ever to appear in a Fantasy movie. His behavior makes me long for the calm reserve of Ator or the horrifying Gorean lifestyle that I'm reminded of whenever I watch Outlaw. Deathstalker may not be oily on the outside, but inside his blood has been replaced with it.

What passed for a plot in this movie involves a Maud wannabe as Deathstalker constantly fails in his attempts to do anything heroic and actually sort of comes off as a grade-A asshole at more than one point. Somehow, a bunch of rebelers who were having a festival at the beginning of the film come around to help Deathstalker with some sort of weird crystal thing, a potato-loving woman who gets killed near the end, and a couple of dirty, smelly guys who lack souls. All in all a wretched piece of cinematic garbage.

Review: Well, I promised you an episode I wouldn't like and here it is! In all honesty, it's not really that bad an episode, but it's not really that good an episode, either. Mike and the bots make plenty of comments about Deathstalker's lechery and how the script evidently got thrown up in the air and put back together again out of order, but there's nothing too noteable or funny about it all.

Some good lines usually revolve around our balding villain Troxartis - "I put the, beats in, my own script and, I'm sticking, with them!" or about our 'hero' - "If you're done degrading the human race, can we get on with the movie?!" The host segments really aren't anything to write home about, either, except for a hilarous beginning when Mike and the Bots pretend to be a fast food joint. Despite people not liking Pearl's incessant "Clayton?! Clayton?!", I didn't think too badly of it. It's not that it was annoying, I like Pearl! It's just it seemed out of place. Also, I actually LIKE Renaissance Festivals, so I don't appreciate all the ribbing they get... albeit they ARE overpriced. Still, sweet friggin' costumes.

Oh and the highpoint was, of course, the potato scene. ^_^

** out of *****

Best Line: Crow - "Who are we?!"