Mike's Reviews of Season 5 from MST3K

[mikefab1]

501---The Warrior of the Lost World


The following is a copy of a Review I made for Episode 501---The Warrior of the Lost World. I originally wrote this for an MST3K Group on Myspace.com called "MST 3000 Fan Club 2.0". I didn't get a lot of feedback in that Group so I'm hoping for feedback here. I'd like to start my own MST3K Fan/Review site someday so every comment is welcomed.

This was an okay movie (I put MST3K episodes in 3 categories: Really Bad, Okay, Really Freakin Great!!). I like how in the beginning Joel did a funny "running" sight gag. This post-apacalyptic, Mad MAx knockoff really sucked, but atleast Joel and the bots were there to make me laugh.

Then there was that Halle Berry look-a-like that I'm guessing was in a Star Trek film (robots kept mentioning it). She was hot!

Mega-Weapon was COOOL!!

And I liked how there was a Greek letter taking center stage in this film. I'm Greek, by the way. Although it seemed some people had a hard time pronouncing such an easy letter. It's Oh-mE-gha. NOT Oh-mEE-ga!

Funniest riff (joke) was, "Hey, Jimmy Carter... Gary Busey guy. Aren't you gonna help me fight?"

Like most 'okay' episodes it has good jokes, but drags in some areas such as towards the end. It was up to the Host Segments to help keep it in the 'okay' category.

I give this a (C-) 2.2 out of 5.

[mikefab1]

Here's another from that :PMST3K Group on Myspace:

502--- Hercules

This movie was pretty bad. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I viewed this movie in the wee-hours of the night or what, but I ended up dozing off about an hour into the episode. I awoke a minute or so after the third Host Segment. I rewound the DVD after the episode ended to view it. It was a nice parody/tribute to Match Game.

Since this movie was about Ancient Greece (and I am Greek) I feel necessary to point a few things out:

-----Hercules is pronounced Ero-clees in Greek. Not Perocles.

-----That "smoking cheese" Joel mentioned early in this episode really is good. Just like he said. Adding an "OPA!" after praising it.

-----In Host Segment 1 they make fun of constelations. One of which was Casiopia. Now I know it has a Greek-sounding name, but I was always told (back in 4th grade) that it was a Roman-discovered constelation and Greeks were the ones that critisized it for not looking anything like a woman. Look it up for me people!

-----In the row boat scene there is a guy singing in Italian NOT IN GREEK! (It was shot in Italy).

-----There appears to be actual Greek writing on those scrolls, but I couldn't read them cause they only showed them up close for a quick sec. So it might be gibberish.

-----Dispite popular belief, the name Papadopoulos is not pronounced pa-pa-do-po-lis, but Pa-pa-THOUGH-poo-los (last O pronounced with an "O" sound).

FUNNIEST LINE: "Suck it in, you! Did you see that guy sucking it in?"

I give this episode a (D+) 1.8 out of 5.

[Hugh Beaumont]

mikefab1 said:

The following is a copy of a Review I made for Episode 501---The Warrior of the Lost World. I originally wrote this for an MST3K Group on Myspace.com called "MST 3000 Fan Club 2.0". I didn't get a lot of feedback in that Group so I'm hoping for feedback here. I'd like to start my own MST3K Fan/Review site someday so every comment is welcomed.

Hey, I saw that group a long time ago. Never really participated, though. I'm also starting up a review blog (see my sig; I have a couple up currently, if you're interested). Not that I'm an expert or anything, but you might want to elaborate on the episodes a bit more. That's the only constructive criticism I have at the moment. Otherwise, you seem to be doing pretty well.

501---The Warrior of the Lost World

This was an okay movie

You know, it took me a couple of views to like it. The first time, I hated it. The second time, I found it hilarious. Maybe it takes a while.

I like how in the beginning Joel did a funny "running" sight gag.

Notice that Mike later paid homage to this in Soultaker, exactly five seasons later. I also really enjoyed the Jimmy Carter riffs. Jimmy Carter is just damn good material.

Then there was that Halle Berry look-a-like that I'm guessing was in a Star Trek film (robots kept mentioning it). She was hot!

She was the bald chick in the first movie, ST: The Motion Picture.

[mstgator]

mikefab1 said:

Dispite popular belief, the name Papadopoulos is not pronounced pa-pa-do-po-lis, but Pa-pa-THOUGH-poo-los (last O pronounced with an "O" sound).

Damn Emmanuel Lewis for leading us astray!

[mikefab1]

Thanks for the comments Hugh Beaumont and "Head On!". I will add a synopsis when I get around to starting my own MST3K Review Site (God knows when that will be).

I'll add atleast 2-4 episodes a day of my reviews on this thread. If you want to read more then let me know.

MIKE

[mikefab1]

Here's some more of my reviews from Season 5:


503--- Swamp Diamonds with short "What To Do On A Date"

Short was nice and funny. I had seen this before in Shorts Volume 2. I love these educational-type shorts from the 50's. They are so square and outthere! Best quote was, "You looked in my notebook!"

The movie was kinda-okay even though there was plenty of padding which Dr. Forrester was kind enough to point out. There was goofs here and there (like the swimming pool visible in the swamp scene), and the ladies were kinda dumb like 3rd grade drop-outs. Although kinda hot as well.

I loved the hosts segments (which were inspired by the short). I actually said, "YES!", outloud when Gypsy agreed to go out with Tom Servo.

Best riff: "What's that? Oh yeah... I've been shot!"

Episode was pretty good with the short and host segments being a big help.

I give it a (C) 2.3 out of 5.




504--- Secret Agent Super Dragon

At first I thought this was going to be a Japanese film (judging from the title). But it is infact an Italian movie filmed in various places around Europe.

Not a bad romp of a film. A guy goes around apartment hunting and his buddy (that fat dorky guy) seems to like him. Actually our Agent comes out of retirement to find out why people died. Something to do with an evil group poisoning people with drugs. The women in this movie are hot in that 1960's Bond-girl sort of way.

Film appears old and dusty and actually skips two or three times as if it were an old 1910's film recently found in a vault. Guess nobody properly maintained it.

ABSCURE POP-CULTURE REFERENCE: Joel points out that a villain looks like; "Herb from Burger King." This was an ad campaign from the mid 1980's where a dude named Herb would show up at various Burger Kings in the USA and if you were the first to spot him you won $100 or something.

Hosts segments were pretty funny. I love when they perform songs. In this case a Jazz song for, "Secret Agent... pum pum... Super Dragon." The one about PUNS is great too.

A couple of good riffs as well. One being: "I gotta go drain the Super Dragon." (Then in woman's voice) "Wow he is smooth!"

Good episode. I give it a (C+) 2.9 out of 5.




505--- The Magic Voyage of Sinbad (Sadko)

This movie was dorky and hard to follow. Last night I took a look at Don's Review and read just the first few lines. Turns out this isn't even a Sinbad movie. It's a Russian movie named SADKO that was renamed The Magic Voyage of SINBAD for USA release.

Sure enough Joel and the Bots make several references to Sinbad (the comedian). One of them being their favorite quote from him, "Women be different then men!"

Host Segments were great (Invention Exchange was funny). Joel tossed around Tom. Crow went flying through the air when they went into the theater after the 3rd Host Segment. Oh and at one point Joel and Crow fell asleep cause the Blue Bird of Happyness was boring.

Film is from 1953 and it shows. It skips 2 or 3 times. And the special affects are cheesy.

Underwater scene towards the end was real funny. "Club Octopi" or "Sinbad's stomach"... you decide. Sea creatures look like their from a children's early morning TV show.

Good riff: "Sinbad, take it to the Bridge. Drop it in the Water."

This episode was barely Okay throughout. Once again the Host Segments help keep it funny. Plus that underwater scene towards the end helped.

(C) 2.3 out of 5



506--- EEGAH!

What an awesomely great episode!! I have seen this movie several times in MST3K form (DVD & VHS), uncut thanks to the DVD, and even Elvira version. There are so many memorable quotes/riffs that I like.

Here's a few:

1) "Sorry about my face."

2) "Watch out for Snakes!"

3) "He looks like a Cabbage Patch Elvis."

4) "Eegah! Bonk! Bonk on the head!"

5) "He went to the Torgo school of fondoling."

6) "Hey! Check it out! There's an oven in the living room!"

7) "ROXEE!"

8) (Unenthusiastically) "Tequila."


This is a cheesy movie that reminds you how kooky the early 60's were. By the way, I counted 6 "Watch out for Snakes!" quoted by Joel and the Bots after it was said in the movie. I loved how they danced during the, "WEEEEEE!" Dune-Buggy scene. Corny songs sung by Archie Hall Jr. were actually catchy. I didn't count how many times"Tequila" was said. Although, there's always next time!

"If I had a Billion Dollars
and a bankers salery.
I would buy all the flowers
and give them to Valerie!" OOOwaaooowaaa!

I give this episode an (A) 4.3 out of 5.

[TarlCabot]

I CANNOT believe that you rated Swamp Diamods(2.3) HIGHER than Warrior of the Lost World(2.2).

You are one TOUGH reviewer.

[mikefab1]

I'd like to thank TarlCabot and Forrestino Corleone for your input. Perhaps you are both right. Maybe I was too hard on some episodes. There are times when viewing an episode 2 or more times makes it grow on you, but not by much.

In other words, perhaps I'll give those episodes a 2.5 but above a 3 in highly unlikely. We'll see. Here's 4 more of my reviews:


NOTE: Episode 507 (I Accuse My Parents) was skipped. I don't have it!


508--- Operation Double 007

Man, what a great episode! This movie was cheesy and corny. A basic James Bond knockoff. Complete with ladies and more ladies. Even an old villain that somehow gets these ladies to stay with him. Plus Sean Connery's brother plays our "hero". Plenty of jokes there for Joel and the bots to work with.

Hosts segments were freakin' hilarious!! First one had Joel impersonating that old villain. Specifically how in the beginning of the film he walked around as the ladies touched his shoulders. Joel walked around saying, "I know." No matter what the Bots said to him; while that spy music played.

Second Host Segment compared the lives of Sean and his brother. I like how they mentioned that it was just "speculation on their part". I was actually believing what they said as fact.

Third had Joel try to hypnotize the bots while in Deep 13 Mike Nelson returned as Torgo! BIG SURPRISE for me. Love that haunting Torgo theme music! He even returned (after using the bathroom!!) in the Final segment.

At one point in this movie a woman was bending over and showing cleavage right infront of Crow! And he looked uncomfortable as he turned his head. Watch for it!

GREEK LESSON: Hypnotize comes from the Greek word EEP-no meaning sleep.

One of the best riffs: "Here's the church. Here's the steaple. Open it up and go to sleep-o!"

I give this episode an (A-) 4 out of 5!!



509--- The Girl In Lovers Lane

This was another great episode filled with great jokes/riffs in the first half. Second half fell a bit short, but that's alright. Host Segments were there to pick up the pace. I especially loved Crow's impression of Jack Elam (the bad guy in the movie). It was spot on. I actually felt bad when I checked IMDB.com just now and found out Jack Elam passed away a few years ago. I really rooted for him to get his butt kicked in the film.

Film was old (1959) and it skipped every now and then. Making a few great joke opportunities for Joel and the bots.

I especially LOVED the pool hall scene. I laughed at 99% of the things that were said. It was so F..@$ing funny! Please get this episode from friends just to watch that scene!

Movie itself was kind of mysterious and dull at the same time. You get tired of the characters within a few minutes. I found myself wondering "So... where is this girl in lover's lane?" It's also painfully obvious who was going to kill her. This film even has one of those frustrating scenes that makes you say, "No. No. No. It wasn't him. It was the other creeepy guy that killed her, you Idiots!"

Best riff: "Is it okay if I wet my pants? ... Can you change me now?"

I give it a (B+) 3.9 out of 5.



510--- Lassie: The Painted Hills with short "Body Care and Grooming."

The short was pretty funny. I had seen it a few times in Shorts Volume 1. It's still great cause of the cheesy and cornyness of the narration. After all... there's nothing wrong with how that first girl was dressed! She has style! Several good riffs. One being, "Don't change a tire with your face!" and the classic, "I'm so naughty!" (which is the stinger for this episode). I give it an (A-) 4 out of 5.

In the beginning of the episode Crow is doing an impression of Jay Leno. At first I thought it was Ed Sullivan. Bare in mind this was within the first year or so of Jay being the official host (as oppossed to being just a guest host) of the Tonight Show. No mention of "Headlines" or "Jaywalking". DARN!

The movie itself is weird cause it starts out as cheesy (like most Lassie movies) then it gets dark!

Joel and the Bots mention "6, 000 Drachma" at one point. Just to let people know, it it actually pronounced Drak-mee (singular) and Drak-mes (plural). All null-and-void now that Greece is part of the Euro system of currency. By the way, 6, 000 Drakmes in 1999 would've been around $20.

To my amazement Joel and the Bots also mention "Greek Salad" and "Souvlakee" as well. This is during the dredded Lassie Poisoning Scene. The writing staff must've ordered out for Greek during the making of this episode.

Third Host Segment was pretty funny as Tom melts down Crow cause he thinks Crow is made of Gold. Funny and weird how Crow looks. I've seen him beated up, taped together, in one episode sawed in half! But melted??!! You gotta see it!!

Here's two great riffs: "Hi-kee-BARK!" ... "Gym-COLLIE!!"

I give this episode a (B) 3.5 out of 5.



511--- Gunslinger

Does this ever happen to you? You watch a Mystery Science Theater episode and find it funny... Then you watch it again a few months later and it is still kinda funny... Then a few years down the line it isn't as funny anymore. This is one of those episodes.

I like the Scanner reference in the beginning of the episode.

The Host Segments are good. I especially love the Third Host Segment where Tom finds a rip in the space/time continuem and jumps from here to there defying the laws of physics.

Jokes during the actual movie, like I said above, wasn't as funny as a few years ago when I first saw it on a VHS tape from Hollywood Video. This was my first time seeing it on DVD (MST3K Volume 6). I used to love the, "Naughty! Naughty..." and the, "I don't like him!" riffs, but now they were just okay and merely made me chuckle.

The plot of this film is kinda complicated and you have to really pay attention to fully get it. I remember a year or 2 ago I found out from Don's Website and IMDB.com that there was something to do with a Railroad that is going to get built and some soreness going back to the Civil War (movie takes place in 1878). If it wasn't for Don or IMDB I STILL wouldn't know that! I would be aloof!

Thank God for the last couple of jokes/riffs towards the end or I wouldn't have a favorite riff to give you guys.

Best riff: "Goodbye, Everyone. 'We're all dead!' Oh yeah, right."

I also like "OW! Right in the hat!" and when Tom does his impression of the new Sheriff screaming cause of all the dead bodies. Tom also calls this movie a "Turd!"

This film would've been an (A-) 4 a few years ago, but now-a-days its barely a 3.

(B-) 3 out of 5.

[mikefab1]

admin said:

I think it might be because I like the MAD MAX movies so much.

Yeah lots of people loved those. I remember when I was a kid it was Back to the Future, Star Wars, Rocky and Mad Max that was the Shizznit!!

You probably love all those Mad Max knockoffs as well. (Even Wrestling tag team Road Warriors/Legion of Doom).

Here's 4 more of my reviews:


512--- Mitchell

This is the famously popular episode where Joel escapes and Mike is about to arrive on the SOL. Ever since I first saw this episode I have maintained that it is just an okay episode movie-wise. But when you add the Host Segments in with the ending it is slightly above average.

Movie-wise there are several riffs that poke fun at Joe Don Baker. Plenty of jokes on his eating and drinking habits. Pretty funny stuff.

Plenty of Yianni references, as well, since former long-time girlfriend Linda Evans is in this. The name Yianni is the Greek version of Johnny. (But you already knew that, right?)

I like the "Watch out for Snakes!" reference in the beginning and the Goofs such as the Boom Mike. It lets you know what a corny movie this is. Which reminds me... What is up with that Mitchell-yelling-at-that-kid scene?!? Comic relief??

Did that guy towards the end really look like Andy Kaufman? "You're so stupid!"

Rumor has it on IMDB that the MST3K writers purposely took out chunks of this film to make it even more confusing. They wouldn't do that! Would they?

I like how Gypsy panics during the Host Segments. And when Joel is in the escape pod and the "static/snow/confetti" begins flying it made me laugh so much when I first saw it! It just tells you how much they love mocking cheesy special-effects.

Best riff: (In the beginning of the car chase scene) "This makes Driving Miss Daisy look like Bullitt!"

(B) 3.4 out of 5.


NOTE: I had to skip 513---The Brain That Wouldn't Die I don't have a copy of the movie.


514--- Teen-age Strangler with short "Is This Love?"

I can't believe I forgot about the brand new opening now that Mike took over for Joel! I totally forgot for a sec and was actually expecting the old version... then I sang along to, "Get me down!" and, "...with the help of his robot friends!"

Short was pretty good. I still can't believe that was her roommate and not her mother. She totally looked middle-aged! Mike and the Bots made fun of her big-time. At one point calling her a "Romulen." The girl about to get hitched was a real B$$$h too. Her parents were nice and merely asked her to graduate first and then offered to meet the guy for dinner. She ofcourse freaked-out. She deserves whatever is coming to her. Oh... there was also a, "Watch out for Snakes!" reference.

(B) 3.3 out of 5.

At first the film seemed to be one of those EXPLOITATION films they sell now-a-days in duel DVD sets. (YOU KNOW THE ONES!!). It wasn't. Then the movie, throughout, seemed like a school project someone filmed over the weekend with his friends and family. Hard to describe it beyond that.

Plenty of jokes during a few scenes. I loved the diner scene with jokes like, "Your finger smells like Bologne!" and, "Hey! That's my diaphragm!" What's was up with Drew Carrey look-a-like being the toughest guy in the film! And what kind of folk/rock was that? Atleast her dancing was better.

Was that supposed to be a tough biker/drag racing gang?! Or just a bunch of bored guys that decided to put dog patches on the back of their leather jackets?

Some scenes had writing that was so awkward it made me laugh even without Mike and the Bots riffing. The police officer's first visit, for one. The father yelling at his son to go to his room was another. BUT... the nerdy Mike-kid with his glasses, awkward southern-type accent and mannerisms took the cake! The entire time I was thinking that if I saw this kid in person I'd immediately ask him where the hidden camera was!!

The scene where nerd-boy and his brother's girlfriend are crying at the police station is a MUST SEE! YOU GOTTA SEE IT TO BELIEVE THE AWKWARDNESS!!!

The ending is one of those nice (yet cheesy and corny) 'We-are-all-friends-again!' type of ending. Complete with generic rock music and dorky dancing!

I wont tell you whom the strangler was... but it is pretty obvious once you find out! Oh and there is a Manos Hands of Fate reference!

Another good riff: "You're not fully dead unless your ZEST-Fully dead!"

I give it a (B+) 3.9 out of 5.


NOTE: Episode 515---(Wild, Wild World of Batwoman) was skipped cause I don't have it in my possession.


516--- Alien from L.A.

What a stinker of a film! I mean, really... Kathy Ireland is lucky she is a hot babe! The movie was about a shy, dorky and whinny teenager played by Kathy who gets a letter that states her father died. So she goes to Africa to collect his things. I guess he was an archaeologist. There she lands in the same pit he does and ends up in a secret underworld. Supposedly the lost city of Atlantis.

This movie is the pits...mostly because Kathy has little acting skills and throughout the movie she has this annoying voice. Mike and the Bots have SO many jokes about her voice alone. At one point Mike says something about having Kathy's Books-on-tape. And there is a scene where a guy asks if that is her real voice.

There's a John Candy reference when they show a Buddah statue. I felt that was in bad taste then I remembered this was a few months to a year before he past away. Right after that they made a reference to Nick Bockwinkle. Does anybody remember him? He was a famous wrestler in the 70's and 80's in NWA and AWA.

Greek references: She's supposedly in Africa, yet, Mike and the Bots state it looks like Istanbul which, ofcourse, was once Constantinople. Many Greeks still refuse to call it Istanbul 'til this day. Also some people feel that around 5% of what may be Atlantis is now being uncovered in the Greek island of Krete.

A few odd things about this film; Mike and the Bots make an observation that the action scenes actually slows down the film. I had to agree, it did. Oh and there is a scene where Kathy is drugged and then attempted to be sold for "parts". I feel it is complete exploitation for the writers of this film to have added that scene.

I actually had a hard time thinking of a favorite riff for this episode. Truth be told... if it weren't for the funny hosts segments (..'s 2 and 3 specifically) and Kathy in her bikini... this movie and episode would be unwatchable! With just a few goof riffs to keep it afloat thoughout.

Okay riff: "Hey, look... BAYWATCH! BAYWATCH!! Whoo hooo!!"

I give it a (C) 2.4 out of 5.


517--- Beginning of the End

Wanna hear something weird? I actually thought I didn't have this episode. I just put in The Atomic Brain when I decided to check the box I got in the mail and there it was. 517. Then it occurred to me... the RHYNO DVD for this is now OOP.

Anyways... I have seen this episode a handful of times. I know a lot of people seem to like it, but I always felt it was just okay. Infact, there are times when I felt this movie was boring.

I had mistakenly thought that this was the infamous movie that has a short cameo by Clint Eastwood. I just checked IMDB and found out that it was Revenge of the Creature that featured Clint. Kinda funny when you consider that I was staring at those lab technicians and wondered why I couldn't find him.

Another mistake I made: I got the ending of this movie confused with a Sci-Fi era episode: The Deadly Mantis. In other words I kept thinking this was going to end with a Giant Insect's arm/wing almost hitting someone due to post-rigamortis reflexes.

By now you are guessing that this movie is dull to the point where I forget certain things that happen in it! Here are things I liked:

There was a Monkees reference: Guy says, "Here they come. Walking down the street." While Mike and the Bots say, "They get the funniest looks from everyone they meet."

POP CULTURE REFERENCE: In one of the Host Segments Tom is doing a bad stand up routine where he talks about grasshoppers. Mike tells him his act will never get on Leno or Letterman. Tom suggests "Chevy Chase". Mike and Crow say, 'Sure'! Anybody even remember Chevy had a talk show for a few weeks in the early 90's?

I loved the first Host Segment. The Mads looked like wooouuussies!! The look on Crow's face was priceless!

Best riff: "Should we stop firing at random?"

Basically the Host Segments were the best part of this episode. First half of the movie had good riffs, but in the second half it slowed down.

(C+) 2.8 out of 5.

[mikefab1]

Hmmmm... nobody wrote anything today. Well, in any case, here's 4 more of my reviews from Season 5:


518--- The Atomic Brain with short "What About Juvenile Delinquency?"

This is a pretty good, above average episode. I have seen it a handful of times in the past. I believe this is my first time seeing it on DVD. By the way, the Stinger was mysteriously absent! I'll double check tomorrow.

Short was good. I like how there is an Incredible Hulk reference. Acting was kinda wooden. Street gang looked like dorks. Why didn't the gang want anyone going to the City Council meeting? I'm kinda confused by that. Also a bit confused by the, "What would you do?" question by the narrator. What else? You'd say, "Get rid of that dorky street gang outside the door." Then watch them run to get better patches and more of those fancy pens they like. (B) 3.5 out of 5.


What is up with those HORRIBLE ATTEMPTS AT ACCENTS!?!? My God they get tougher and tougher to listen to every time I see this episode. I mean at first it was funny... now it's kinda sad! So... let me get this straight... One is from England; the other is from Austria; and the one that doesn't speak much and mostly screams is from Spain?? I ALWAYS assume she's from France.

GREEK REFERENCE: When the ladies first enter the mansion, Mike says, "I should've pledged Lamda Chi Omega." Now Fraternities and Sororities get upset when I point this out, but, they can't pronounce half the letters for S$$T! The letter Chi (X) is actually pronounced HEE. It makes an "H" sound just to let you know.

There's an Adam's Family references. As well as a Carol Burnett (Misses Ewigens) and a Manos one as well, "She wondered onto the Manos set!" This was when that dead lady, who is now a zombie, wondered out in the yard in her nightgown.

I loved the invention exchange. Crow was Dr. Forrester while Tom was Frank. Then Forrester was Crow while Frank was Tom. You gotta see it!

Host Segments were good too. I liked how Tom went outside the ship (not the first time either) and was pelted by meteors. Third Host Segment's conversation with Magic Voice/Cambot and the narrator of the film was classic. Kinda reminds you of the cheesy stuff Elvira used to do where she interacted with the film.

Movie is worth watching just for the creepy things the narrator says!

Good riff: "Hey! There's a naked lady in this movie... and she's NUDE!"

(B) 3.5 out of 5.



519--- The Outlaw

What a stinker of a movie!! I thought it was going to be a Western flick judging by the title. It's actually a stupid sequel about a guy that gets transported to another planet along with his very annoying friend.

According to IMDB the name of our "hero", Cabot, is spoken more than 50 times in the first 10 minutes alone. Mostly by the whining friend. Funny thing is I still forgot his name a few minutes later. Thought it was Koby. Oh and filmed in Namibia.

Greek reference: Jack Palance's character is named Xenos. This is Greek for foreigner. And its supposed to be pronounced XE-nos and not ZEE-nos. Americans have a habit of pronouncing their "X"'s like "Z"'s.
At one point the Evil Queen threw her goblet and Mike said something like OOpa. He may have been trying to say OPA!

Lots of references to other MST3K episodes. Including, "Watch out for Snakes!" (EEGAH). Plus Moon Zero Two, Giant Gilla Monster, Warrior of the Lost World, etc.

Jack Palance at one point called the Evil Queen a "Bitch!" This shocked Mike and the Bots. The Queen responded by calling him a "Wuuuoooorm!" (stinger).

I liked the Second Host Segment which featured a song and dance.

You'd think that a movie this bad would make a great MST3K episode, but it was below average. You might chuckle a few times, but you'll be bored as well. I like the reference to the movie: THEY LIVE! Crow does a funny twist to the famous line Rowdy Roddy Piper used. I even rewound the movie to make sure I got it right.

Great riff: "I came to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm out of ass!"

(D+) 1.8 out of 5.



520--- Radar Secret Service with short "Last Clear Chance"

I have seen this short before in Shorts Volume 2. It's one of those long shorts clocking in at about 20 minutes! I laughed a lot more the first time I saw it. It kinda looses something after repeat viewing. You'll like the part where the cop is visiting this family on the farm and wont leave! You'll also love the ending which is, ironically, sad. Yet, in traditional MST3K style, they make it funny!

A good riff was, "So 50% of all accidents are caused by women's hinders?!" (C-) 2.2 out of 5.


Movie itself was dull. It's one of those what-exactly-is-going-on-here?? type of movies. Good jokes here and there keep it an Okay episode.

Greek reference: The words Hypno and Helio are used by the Mads in the beginning to show that this movie is a "Deep hurting" type of experiment. Hypno comes from the word EEp-no which means to sleep. And Helio comes from the word EE-lee-oh which means the sun.

This movie has one of those annoying comic-relief people in it. I think its the same guy from 208---Lost Continent. His vaudeville act is stale as usual. Pay close attention to the bad acting by the maid in this movie. So bad that Mike and the Bots say, "The directors Mistress, ladies and gentleman." Her line became the stinger too!

Monster-A-Go-Go reference while the helicopter is flying. A movie that I feel is even worse than Manos:Hands of Fate... if you really think about it.

I loved the first Host Segment which poked fun at the Short. "Why don't they look?"

Good riff: "Employees must wash tongues before returning to work."

(C) 2.3 out of 5.



521--- Santa Claus

This is one of the most anticipated episodes of Season 5. I have heard of this movie from a handful of sources and couldn't wait to see it. One of them being WRESTLECRAP.COM. The dude that runs the site (RD Reynolds) is a fan of MST3K and he gave a review of it a while back. I was not disappointed!

Man this movie is an acid trip in itself. Actually weirder (although not by much) than 421--- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. In the beginning of the film we see Santa playing a piano and his helpers (not elves) are small children from areas around the world. This includes:

EUROPE: England, France, Germany, Spain, Italy (what? no GREEK kids??!!)
ASIA: China, Japan, Orient (Middle East) and Russia.
NORTH AMERICA: USA, Mexico (ofcourse), Caribbean, Central America
AFRICA: South Africa and Africa (yup that's what they said. Then they showed a couple of "KAMALA" look-a-likes that made Mike and the Bots say, "BOOOO!").

Santa has a lot of weird mechanical devises and stuff: A computer that tells him what kids are saying (complete with moving lips??!!) ; Reindeers are wined-up robots that make this creepy laughing noise (stinger!); a fan with an ear attached; an extending device with an eyeball on the other end; a flower that makes him invisible and a bag full of sleeping dust. Oh and that parasol (tiny umbrella) that made him float downward gingerly.

Creepy how the Devil talks to kids and interferes with their dreams. And how he makes adults make prank phone calls to the police and fire department.

A FEW QUESTIONS: In the restaurant scene a couple's having fun (without their son). Santa presents a drink that makes them think about their son. Santa then disappears and the lady says, "He had a white beard like the man I saw when I was a kid." Then the husbands says, "If he had a white beard when you were a kid, then he must be dead by now." HUH?!?! Was that an inadvertent insult? Implying she was old!!

The scene where the 3 brothers are fighting cause the Devil kicked one of them: Why does that brother accuse the littlest kids who was like 5 or 6 feet away? And the other one was infront of him when he was kicked!? If you ask me, those kids had anger problems before The Devil showed up.

AND Finally: Who's babysitting all these kids?? The kids from 15 nations/places back in that cloud-castle; the kids who's parents almost forgot about; the 3 brothers with anger problems. Not Merlin, I'll tell you that. He can't even work the "LIPS" machine!!

I love the beginning of the episode when hot-cocoa or something gets spilled on Crow and things go crazy for a few seconds. His eyes even pop out.

Host Segments #1 and #3 are great cause viewers are treated to a song. A rock song for #1 and a Christmas Carol for #3.

The ending has the Devil fighting with (who else!) Santa Claus. I love the line Santa uses too. "I came to eat candy canes and kick butt. And I'm all out of candy canes!" ;D (In the closing credits they don't say who played Santa. )

Oh I almost forgot! There was a funny moment in the beginning of the film where kids throw rocks at a mechanical Santa in a store-front window display. (The devil made them do it). Anyways, this causes one of the rocks to hit the real Santa who's at his castle in the sky. Very funny!!

Great riffs:

"A classic battle of Evil vs The Narrator."
Santa says, "I'm not a bad guy." Tom says, "I just haven't made a B.M. in a while."
"I put in a coupon for 50% off a little brother."
"Santa mistakenly delivers the presents to the moon again."
"3 down... 650 Billion more homes to go."
"OOPS! This is the Weinstein residents!"
"Don Knots-O!"

I hope I'm not forgetting anything. There were so many funny and weird things in this movie. Some may find the episode a bit over-hyped, but a great one none-the-less.

(A-) 4.2 out of 5.

[Hugh Beaumont]

Don't be too offended if people don't post here much. This thread doesn't seem to get too much traffic; just look at my own thread. As for me, I'm honestly a little too busy working on my own reviews, as well as video projects, to thoroughly read others' reviews and post my thoughts on each one. I'll try to read and write what I can, though.

mikefab1 said:

509--- The Girl In Lovers Lane

This is one of my favorites. It has one of the only lines that's ever made me have to stop the DVD because I've been laughing so hard:

BIX DUGAN: "What's your name, kid?"
CROW: "Uh, Sex Poodle!"

;D

[TarlCabot]

mikefab1 said:

519--- The Outlaw

1.8 out of 5.

*gasp*

I...you...

Ohhh...that's...

*walks off*

[mikefab1]

Thank you Hugh and TarlCabot for your responses. I can tell Tarl was peeved with my 1.8 rating to Episode 519---Outlaw . It gave me a few chuckles, but there were too many boring moments.

I mentioned in a previous reply that sometimes in repeat viewings an episode seems better. Although not by much.

Here are the final 3 reviews for Season 5.


522--- Teen-Age Crime-Wave

What can I say about this film? The teenagers in it were more unlikable than the ones in episode 415--- The Beatniks (although not by much).

The odd thing about the Teenage Crimewave episode is that it was more dramatc than funny. Kind of like 202--- The Sidehackers. Speaking of which... I thought it was a pretty good movie at first. Then after repeat viewings and thanks to the song, "Only love pads the film...", sung by Joel, I learned just how MST3K-worthy it was.

I can honestly say that in this episode it was the drama rather than the riffs and jokes that kept me glued to the screen. Like in the very beginning when they tried to mug the "doughy guy"; killed that cop; tied up "Eleanor Roosevelt"; and held that nice elderly couple hostage. I couldn't wait to see if those teenagers were gonna get their asses whipped!

By the way, I knew that the "doughy guy" was going to get mugged. It was pretty obvious.

The Host Segments were pretty good. I liked the first Host Segment when they did their salute to doughy guys and "The Commish" was mentioned. That show starred Michael Chiklis... who was Greek. Speaking of Greeks, Mike Nelson did an okay job pronouncing that Greek lady's name in the end when they read letters.

Host segment 3 has a "mentos" parody. And at the very end there is a familiar bit where Frank pushed "the button" yet they keep coming back to him (he's getting sprayed by Dr. Forrester).

Good riff: "Nobody move or the curtains get it!"

This movie may not be as great in repeat viewings.

(C-) 2.1 out of 5.



523--- Village of the Giants

I have seen this movie a few times before uncut. Mostly on AMC (late at night). I was anxious to see the MST3K version. Turned out to be a very good episode overall.

I liked how in the beginning of the episode Mike and the Bots were working out. At one point Mike throws a medicine ball at Tom while he is in the steamer... very funny! Then Frank realizes that he is fired! Who is his replacement??

Host Segments were great. In the first one we find out who will replace Frank. To my surprise there is yet another appearance of Mike Nelson as TORGO!! "What theme music?" says Torgo. In the Third Host Segment we get treated to a song. A tribute to Frank called, "The Greatest Frank."

Movie itself was so cheesy and corny that it was fun to watch even without the riffing. Not to mention there was plenty of goofs(mistakes) and it was fun to spot them. Most goofs involved the preportions of the teenagers once becoming giants.

Scene to look for: In one scene there is a teenager that breaks into the basement where the Giant-Growing playdough is held. There is a Gum Ball machine on the table which makes Tom Servo repeatedly say, "Mother! Mother!!" If that isn't funny enough, just before the teenager leaves he pulls out a nickle while Tom says, "Get away from my Mom!" As the kid is about to get his gumball Tom calls his "Mom" a cheap floozy or something. Great stuff! ;D

References in this movie include: Manos (ofcourse), The Beatniks, Willow (which Mike and the Bots refer to alot!) ,

Movie stars: Ronny Howard and Beau Bridges. There is a tribute to Frank Zappa during the closing credits.

Some good riffs include:

"They're doing the Monkey. No they are doing the Jerk. No it is the jerks doing the Monkey!"

"This is the police! Button up your shirt! We have your chest surrounded!"

"Really White collar crime."

"Free breast rides and I'll lower the membership fee!"

"By this time my son's lungs were aiking for air!"

Although I did expect the riffing during the movie to be a bit funnier, it was great none-the-less. Host Segments helped make this a fun episode.

(B+) 3.7 out of 5.



524--- 12 To The Moon with short "Design For Dreaming"

The short was one I have seen a few times before in "Mr. B's Lost Shorts??!!" Very funny as Mike and the Bots enjoy riffing this lady having a dream of the world of tomorrow. Included are: Futuristic kitchens, cars and toy highways. Dr. Forrester referred to it as an, "Acid dream". It's pretty close to it too.

Funny riffs include:

Lady: "Should I go with what I'm wearing?" Mike: "No you must go as Geechy Guy."
"Look! Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean its good!"
"This car makes up for my manhood."
"Look! Run-over raccoon of tomorrow."
"Can somebody invent rock & roll already?!"

I love it. (A-) 4.1 out of 5.


Before I get to the actual movie I want to talk about the Host Segments which were hilarious. Mike Nelson's real-life-wife makes an appearance as that Acid-trip-lady from the short. Very funny as she dances around while occasionally rhyming like the lady in the short. Mike has to speak with a deep voice (like the guy in the short) to get her attention.

First Host Segment; she appears and the Bots ask if Mike will kiss her. Second Host Segment is where they pack to get ready to leave and join the lady on her planet or something. But the Third is the best where we see a loaf of bread being baked in Gypsy's mouth. A muffin being baked in Tom's gumball head. And... I didn't realize this for the first few seconds too... Crow has been turned into a mixer!! GOTTA SEE IT!! FUNNY STUFF!!

Mike, ofcourse, has seen enough and breaks it off in rhyme. This causes the Lady to call Mike a, "Robot loving freak!" then leaves.

Actual movie is a stinker. Complete with goofs here and there. Mike points out that the studio lights are visible. The Sci-Fi is laughable. They don't have glass sheilds on the front of their helmets. Instead, they are protected by a radio-active force field or something. "Not buying it!", yell Mike and the Bots. Ofcourse the AMERICAN is the hero in the film. Although the Japanese lady and Nigerian man get honorable mention. Basically 12 is way too many characters to keep track of. I think one of them was a Natzi or something and the French guy was... what else... a jerk!

OH! And Mike Nelson's wife makes one more surprise appearance at DEEP 13 where she magically makes Frank look like that guy in the short (complete with Zorro mask). Then he asks for a croissant and she disssappears with Frank's mask.

This episode would've been just okay if it weren't for the great Host Segments, which, ofcourse, were based on the great Short.

Good riff: "Now you can see my well defined crotch."

(B) 3.5 out of 5.

[TarlCabot]

mikefab1 said:

Thank you Hugh and TarlCabot for your responses. I can tell Tarl was peeved with my 1.8 rating to Episode 519---Outlaw

Hey, you wanted comments, and you got them. So don't roll your eyes at me, ok?

[mikefab1]

That "eye roll" face was just my way of saying "sigh". I appreciate all your comments. Please read as many of my reviews as possible (in other words all of them). And tell your friends so that they can tell their friends and then these reviews will catch on with a larger crowd.

MIKE