Jokes

[Afgncaap5]

I've always wondered if that joke is supposed to have the same start to another blonde joke that would've been well known decades ago, or if it's just a generic "something weird happening that you don't get right away" thing.

But I digress...

And now, a small, small sampling of the jokes from my marching band days...

How many saxophone players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to get it done, and four to argue about how Dave Sandborn would've done it.

How do you make a rusty chain saw sound like a bari sax? Add vibrato.

How can you tell when there's a soprano at your door? Because she can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call an accordian player with a pager? Optimistic.

How can you tell the marching band students in a store? Whenever the in-store music skips, they're the ones who trip.

[Captain Hygiene]

Oct 1, 2008 9:08:47 GMT -5 Afgncaap5 said:

What do you call an accordian player with a pager? Optimistic.

*laughs* *weeps*

[Bix Dugan]

I liked the 2 blondes in a cornfield joke...

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

Oct 1, 2008 7:52:57 GMT -5 CBG said:

Hey trumpysmagicsnout, I found a new av for you:

Oh hell yes!

[Frameous]

What were Kurt Cobain's last words to Courtney Love?

Hole's gonna be huge.

[GProopdog]

That reminds me of a similar Cobain joke:

What do Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?

Both used their brains to paint a ceiling.

[Bix Dugan]

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'

[Afgncaap5]

Oct 1, 2008 12:01:05 GMT -5 Bix Dugan said:

I liked the 2 blondes in a cornfield joke...

Me too. I've just always been curious about its start.

Okay, so, one day Quasimodo died, and everyone was sad. He had a huge funeral service at Notre Dame, but the quick replacements they found for his bell ringing left something to be desired. The Bishop, the one in charge of Quasimodo's unfinished business (who also happened to know something about music) set up auditions and interviews for people who could show up to take Quasimodo's old job.

After the first five or six, a man with no arms climbed up to the belltower, and after the initial polite parts of the interview, the Bishop said, "I hate to bring this up, but how will you play the bells without any arms?"

The armless fellow smiled, jumped out of his interview chair, and rushed over to the bells which he began to play with his face. It was one of the most bizarre things the bishop had ever seen, but at the same time it was some of the most beautiful music he'd ever heard. The man continued playing for five minutes, at times even surpassing the skilled Quasimodo in musical precision and beauty. The Bishop finally stood to tell the man that he had the job, but before he could say anything the armless fellow slipped, fell out of a window, and hit the ground far, far below.

Horrified, the Bishop ran down from the top of the bell tower, all the way to the street below where a crowd had gathered.

"Who was he? What was his name?" people kept asking. The Bishop, sad but also embarrassed, had to admit that "I never caught his name..."












...wait for it....













































...wait for it...



































"..., but his face rings a bell."

[Grape]

One lunchtime, a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barmen looks puzzled by this but serves him. The next day at lunch, the duck walks in again and orders another pint. The barmen starts pulling it and says to the duck

"So, we don't get many ducks in here. Are you from around here?"

"No" says the duck "I'm working on the building site across the road"

"Oh" says the barman and serves him his pint

The next day, a circus owner enters the pub and says to the barmen,

"The circus is in town. Mind if I stick a few posters up?"

"No, go ahead. Actually, I have something that might interest you. Every day, I have a duck that comes in here. He can talk and he drinks beer"

"Mmmm" says the circus owner "A talking duck that sound like the kind of act we're after. Here, if he comes in again, give me my card"

A bit later the duck walks in and orders his pint.

As the barmen is pulling it, he says to the duck "Listen. A circus owner was in here earlier and he heard about you and was interested in giving you a job"

"A circus?", says the duck "I wonder what they want a plasterer for?"

[GProopdog]

Three POW's, an American, a Frenchman, and a Polish man, escape from a German camp during World War II. As the enemy troops close in on them, each escapee climbs up a tree. The enemy troops go up to the tree where the American soldier is first and shine a light up to the branches:

"If there's any escapee's up there, give yourselves up now!"

Thinking quick, the American goes "Hoooo....Hoooo..."

Thinking it's just an owl, the enemy troops move onto the second tree, where the Frenchman is hiding and shine their light on it.

"If there's any escapee's up there, give yourselves up now!"

Thinking quick, the Frenchman goes "Meow...."

Thinking it's just a cat, the soldiers move on. Well finally, they get to the tree where the Polish man is hiding and shine their light on it.

"If there's any escapee's up there, give yourselves up now!"

The Polish man thinks as hard and fast as he can, and finally he goes "....Moooooo!"

[GProopdog]

Mickey Mouse is seated in the office of a divorce lawyer, going over papers to file against Minnie Mouse:

Divorce Lawyer: Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid that there's no legal grounds for you to divorce your wife. We've run several tests on her, and they've all come back the same, she's simply not crazy at all.

Mickey Mouse: Not crazy? No, no, you don't understand, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was F*#&*ing Goofy!

[CBG]

Oct 4, 2008 13:45:45 GMT -5 Grape said:

One lunchtime, a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barmen looks puzzled by this but serves him. The next day at lunch, the duck walks in again and orders another pint. The barmen starts pulling it and says to the duck

"So, we don't get many ducks in here. Are you from around here?"

"No" says the duck "I'm working on the building site across the road"

"Oh" says the barman and serves him his pint

The next day, a circus owner enters the pub and says to the barmen,

"The circus is in town. Mind if I stick a few posters up?"

"No, go ahead. Actually, I have something that might interest you. Every day, I have a duck that comes in here. He can talk and he drinks beer"

"Mmmm" says the circus owner "A talking duck that sound like the kind of act we're after. Here, if he comes in again, give me my card"

A bit later the duck walks in and orders his pint.

As the barmen is pulling it, he says to the duck "Listen. A circus owner was in here earlier and he heard about you and was interested in giving you a job"

"A circus?", says the duck "I wonder what they want a plasterer for?"

My boss told me this a couple of weeks ago, but he screwed it up so bad, I had no idea what he was talking about...LOL!

[Trumpy's Magic Snout]

any of you ever try the Plumber position from the Kama Sutra?

You both stay in bed for three days and nobody comes.

Thank you.

[GProopdog]

A religion teacher is asking her young students what part of the body they think goes up to Heaven first. little Suzy stands first to answer:

"I think the heart goes to Heaven, cause that's what you use to love Jesus and God a whole lot!"

Next, little Tommy stands and answers:

"I think the brain goes up to Heaven first, cause God and Jesus are both really wise, and we're made in their image after all!"

Finally, Dirty Johnny stands up and speaks:

"You're both wrong! The legs go up to Heaven foist!"

The teacher is puzzled, but at the same time hesitant to speak, seeing as how Dirty Johnny *is* Dirty Johnny and all, but knowing this joke needs a conclusion and a punchline, she sighs in defeat and speaks. "I don't think I understand your answer Johnny. Could you please explain it?"

"Coitenly!" Dirty Johnny replies. "It's the legs cause last night I walked in on my mom in bed with the milk man. He was on top of her trying to keep her from floating off, and her legs was all up in the air, and she was saying "Oh Lord! I'm coming, I'm coming!""

[GProopdog]

A man comes home from work to see his wife in the bedroom, stark naked, clothes strewn about all over the floor, a big smile on her face. Putting two and two together, the man realizes the woman has been cheating on him with another man. Dashing to the window, he spots a fellow crouching near the bushes of his front door. In a rage, the man goes over to a nearby grandfather clock, hoists it into his arms, and runs towards the window, tossing it out and smashing the man in his bushes. Unfortunately, the man who hurled the clock has a heart attack from the strain of lifting said clock, and he dies too. Thus, at the Pearly Gates, the two men appear before St. Peter along with a third man.

"Tell me my son, how did you come to Heaven?" St. Peter says to the first man.

"Well Sir, I was outside of this house pruning these bushes for a woman who had called me and said her lawn and yard needed work done. Anyway, there I am, minding my own business, when this grandfather clock comes flying down on me and crushes my skull!"

St. Peter turns to the second man, who looks a little guilty now. "And how did *you* come to be here?"

"Well Sir, I died from the strain of lifting that grandfather clock...sorry about that pal."

"Uh huh....and how about you?" Says St. Peter to the third man.

"Well, get this, I was hiding inside of that Grandfather clock..."