|
Jokes
Oct 7, 2008 12:07:42 GMT -5
Post by Captain Hygiene on Oct 7, 2008 12:07:42 GMT -5
True story, seen on video:
A weatherman and a news woman are doing the news on a Saturday. The weatherman predicted a big snowstorm overnight which didn't pan out at all. During the jovial banter between news stories, the newscaster unthinkingly comments on the lack of snow, "So, where were the eight inches you promised me last night?"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 7, 2008 19:10:57 GMT -5
Post by Mitchell on Oct 7, 2008 19:10:57 GMT -5
A guy gets a job in a restaurant as a waiter. After his first day, he goes home and his wife asks him how it went.
"Well," the guy says, "you wouldn't believe how clean this place is. They make you use tongs for everything. You serve the bread with tongs, you serve the ice with tongs, you serve a hot towel with tongs. They even make you tie a string to your wiener so you can use that to pull it out when you have to pee."
"That sounds great honey," the wife says. She thinks for a minute and then adds, "if you use the string to pull it out, how do you put it back in?"
"I don't know about the other guys, but I use my tongs."
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 29, 2008 15:29:43 GMT -5
Post by CBG on Oct 29, 2008 15:29:43 GMT -5
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 29, 2008 19:49:33 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Oct 29, 2008 19:49:33 GMT -5
Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Jackson are on a Make a Wish Cruise ship with a bunch of kids sailing along in the water (How those three very specific men came to be on board is anyone's guess...just the wishes of three rather different groups of children....anyway...) Suddenly, the ship hits an iceberg and begins to sink.
"We've got to help the children to the lifeboats!" Cries Morgan Freeman
"Screw the kids!" Cries Tom Cruise as he leaps into a lifeboat and begins to lower it.
"...Do you think there's time?" Asks Michael Jackson.
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 31, 2008 14:34:13 GMT -5
Post by Bix Dugan on Oct 31, 2008 14:34:13 GMT -5
True story, seen on video:
A weatherman and a news woman are doing the news on a Saturday. The weatherman predicted a big snowstorm overnight which didn't pan out at all. During the jovial banter between news stories, the newscaster unthinkingly comments on the lack of snow, "So, where were the eight inches you promised me last night?"
I remember this joke, but I think it was in a Mad magazine strip.
Weather Lady- (motioning towards U.S. map) "...and it looks like Helena got six inches last night...er... Helena, Montana that is!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 1, 2008 9:17:54 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 1, 2008 9:17:54 GMT -5
Why don't African-Americans have nightmares?
Because we killed the only one who had a dream.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 1, 2008 9:18:22 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 1, 2008 9:18:22 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way there.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 3, 2008 12:21:45 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Nov 3, 2008 12:21:45 GMT -5
A triple header for this outing:
1) Two men are standing at a bus stop, one man turns to the other and says "Say pal, do you see any police officers around here?
The second man looks around, then replies "No I don't actually..."
The first man replies "That's what I thought...stick em up!"
2) Three old men are seated on a park bench talking about their troubles.
The first old man speaks: "Oy, It's such a shame, every morning at 8 AM I get up to take a pee...but no matter how much I strain and push, only a little trickle comes out..."
The second old man replies: "Dat's nothing! Every morning at 8 AM I get up to take a dump...but no matter how much I push and grunt and strain, nothing will come out..."
"I've got you both beat!" Says the third old man. "Every morning at 8 AM I take a nice long piss and a huge dump."
"What's wrong with that?" Say the first and second old man in unison.
The third old man sighs and replies "I don't get up till 11..."
3) An old man is crying on a park bench when a police officer happens upon him.
"Say old timer, why are you crying, are you ok?" Says the officer.
Through his tears, the old man speaks: "Officer...I have a 21 year old girlfriend at home...she does *everything* for me...she cooks, she cleans, she buys me gifts...and oy vey, she is the greatest in bed, will do anything I ask her too!"
The police officer is confused. "Gosh old timer, a guy like you should be happy to have something like that...why are you crying?"
Looking up at the officer, the old man sobs "I've forgotten where I live!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 11:50:43 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 6, 2008 11:50:43 GMT -5
How do you know when your bartender is angry with you?
You find a string in your Bloody Mary.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 11:51:22 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 6, 2008 11:51:22 GMT -5
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
Charged with battery.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 12:38:16 GMT -5
Post by Jack Burton on Nov 6, 2008 12:38:16 GMT -5
What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings!
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 12:57:50 GMT -5
Post by Bix Dugan on Nov 6, 2008 12:57:50 GMT -5
^^^ This, and the Bloody Mary joke above it, lack taste and are offensive. Congratulations...
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 17:24:11 GMT -5
Post by Jack Burton on Nov 6, 2008 17:24:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry if flatulence offends you Bix.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 17, 2008 20:30:12 GMT -5
Post by solgroupie on Nov 17, 2008 20:30:12 GMT -5
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'
no offense to the blondes out there!
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 18, 2008 17:52:44 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 18, 2008 17:52:44 GMT -5
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
*ducks rotten tomatoes*
|
|