Post by Satchmo on Feb 11, 2009 19:52:23 GMT -5
This is a skit I wrote for a project on satire I'm doing for English.
CHARACTERS:
JESUS OF NAZARETH: The messiah
RANDALL OF NAZARETH: His lawyer
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As the scene opens, we see JESUS sitting at a table. In enters RANDALL.
RANDALL: Hey, Jesus.
JESUS: Hey Randall. What’s new?
R (speaks in a high-pitched Brooklyn accent): Nothing good, I’m afraid.
R crosses to table, takes a deep breath.
J: What’s that supposed to mean?
R: You know that leper you met the other day?
J (hesitant): Yes…
R: He’s pursuing legal action against you.
J (quickly standing up and yelling in a mix of confusion and outrage): WHAT?!
R: He’s suing you for damages.
J (in shock): But why would anyone want to sue me?
R: Well you did spit in his eye, you know.
J: I was only trying to help him. It’s a cure for his blindness.
R: Yeah, modern medicine is crazy these days. (taking a deep breath and quickly changing the subject) Look, JN, you’re a great guy. You’re compassionate, you’re kind, and you always stress doing the right thing. That’s why people follow you like- well, like you were the son of God or something. But everybody makes mistakes every once in a while, and if you don’t settle these tiny little matters, they’re going to get a lot bigger and they could ruin your life.
J (sarcastically): So crucify me.
R: I’m only trying to help you out, man.
J: Well, could you at least give me an example?
R (thinking for a moment): Remember the story of Moses?
J: Yes…
R: Yeah, Moses. Great guy, you know, but even he made some mistakes in his time. Big ones. It took him forty years to reach the Holy Land, and do you know why that is?
J (getting frustrated): No, why?
R: It never once occurred to him to stop and ask for directions. And you remember that whole ‘burning bush’ fiasco, don’t you?
J (breathing out quickly): Yes…
R: Well, I’ll tell you something. My father was his lawyer, and he specifically told Moses not to eat those mushrooms by the side of the road but noooooooooooooooooo, Moses was hungry, Moses had been fasting, and there wasn’t another market for ten miles. And let me tell you, if Yahweh hadn’t intervened in the last minute, Moses would have killed his own son!
J: Is that why he and his wife got a divorce?
R: That very reason.
J (exasperated): Oy.
R: Do you see my meaning now?
J: Well, I don’t really think what I’ve done is such a big problem.
R (shocked): NOT SUCH A BIG PROBLE-… WHY I-… (indescribable mumbling)
J: Look, Randall, all I did was try to help the guy out. The least I’m going to get is being slapped with a malpractice fine.
R: You’re not a doctor, JN. Spitting on someone in no way constitutes eye care. (suddenly, a chilling thought pops into R’s head, and he sits up straight as an arrow) You’re not starting to believe this whole ‘immaculate conception’ thing your mother told you about are you?
J: Why not?
R: Well, let me put it to you like this: how old were you when she told that story to you?
J (a little submissively): Five…
R: Uh-huh. And what was the question you asked to get such an answer?
J (embarrassed): I… asked… her… where… babies… come… from…
R: Yeah, I kinda thought so.
J (changing the subject): Look, I really don’t see what this has to do with anything.
R: It explains why you thought you were helping.
J: But it’s true! I turned water into wine, I swear!
R: Yeah, we’ve all done that.
J (cynically): Water into wine, stupid. Not wine into water.
R: Hey calm down, JN. (a little teasingly) Turn the other cheek, remember?
J: Oh, shut up Randall! I am SO sick of people saying that!
R: You did make it up.
J: Yes, but I also said "Think not that I am come to send peace: I came not to send peace but a sword."
R: Really? I thought you said that Matthew had misquoted you. After all, he had a rough day, plus, he wrote it down at 10:35 at night.
J: So that’s what those little numbers mean! God, do my apostles EVER sleep?
R: No, but the temple breakroom is copiously supplied with coffee, Red Bull, and caffeine pills to compensate.
J: Oy.
R: Look, JN, don’t you we’re getting a little off topic here?
J: Yeah, I guess. (pause) What were we talking about again?
R: That leper that’s suing you.
J: Oh, right.
R: Look, if I were in your position, I’d just give the guy whatever he wants. I mean, the guy’s a leper, he won’t ask for much.
J: Okay. (pause) Geez, I can’t believe I’m going to have a criminal record here in Jerusalem.
R: Trust me RN, the Romans have got a rap sheet on you like you wouldn’t believe.
J: Aw, nuts.
fin.
CHARACTERS:
JESUS OF NAZARETH: The messiah
RANDALL OF NAZARETH: His lawyer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the scene opens, we see JESUS sitting at a table. In enters RANDALL.
RANDALL: Hey, Jesus.
JESUS: Hey Randall. What’s new?
R (speaks in a high-pitched Brooklyn accent): Nothing good, I’m afraid.
R crosses to table, takes a deep breath.
J: What’s that supposed to mean?
R: You know that leper you met the other day?
J (hesitant): Yes…
R: He’s pursuing legal action against you.
J (quickly standing up and yelling in a mix of confusion and outrage): WHAT?!
R: He’s suing you for damages.
J (in shock): But why would anyone want to sue me?
R: Well you did spit in his eye, you know.
J: I was only trying to help him. It’s a cure for his blindness.
R: Yeah, modern medicine is crazy these days. (taking a deep breath and quickly changing the subject) Look, JN, you’re a great guy. You’re compassionate, you’re kind, and you always stress doing the right thing. That’s why people follow you like- well, like you were the son of God or something. But everybody makes mistakes every once in a while, and if you don’t settle these tiny little matters, they’re going to get a lot bigger and they could ruin your life.
J (sarcastically): So crucify me.
R: I’m only trying to help you out, man.
J: Well, could you at least give me an example?
R (thinking for a moment): Remember the story of Moses?
J: Yes…
R: Yeah, Moses. Great guy, you know, but even he made some mistakes in his time. Big ones. It took him forty years to reach the Holy Land, and do you know why that is?
J (getting frustrated): No, why?
R: It never once occurred to him to stop and ask for directions. And you remember that whole ‘burning bush’ fiasco, don’t you?
J (breathing out quickly): Yes…
R: Well, I’ll tell you something. My father was his lawyer, and he specifically told Moses not to eat those mushrooms by the side of the road but noooooooooooooooooo, Moses was hungry, Moses had been fasting, and there wasn’t another market for ten miles. And let me tell you, if Yahweh hadn’t intervened in the last minute, Moses would have killed his own son!
J: Is that why he and his wife got a divorce?
R: That very reason.
J (exasperated): Oy.
R: Do you see my meaning now?
J: Well, I don’t really think what I’ve done is such a big problem.
R (shocked): NOT SUCH A BIG PROBLE-… WHY I-… (indescribable mumbling)
J: Look, Randall, all I did was try to help the guy out. The least I’m going to get is being slapped with a malpractice fine.
R: You’re not a doctor, JN. Spitting on someone in no way constitutes eye care. (suddenly, a chilling thought pops into R’s head, and he sits up straight as an arrow) You’re not starting to believe this whole ‘immaculate conception’ thing your mother told you about are you?
J: Why not?
R: Well, let me put it to you like this: how old were you when she told that story to you?
J (a little submissively): Five…
R: Uh-huh. And what was the question you asked to get such an answer?
J (embarrassed): I… asked… her… where… babies… come… from…
R: Yeah, I kinda thought so.
J (changing the subject): Look, I really don’t see what this has to do with anything.
R: It explains why you thought you were helping.
J: But it’s true! I turned water into wine, I swear!
R: Yeah, we’ve all done that.
J (cynically): Water into wine, stupid. Not wine into water.
R: Hey calm down, JN. (a little teasingly) Turn the other cheek, remember?
J: Oh, shut up Randall! I am SO sick of people saying that!
R: You did make it up.
J: Yes, but I also said "Think not that I am come to send peace: I came not to send peace but a sword."
R: Really? I thought you said that Matthew had misquoted you. After all, he had a rough day, plus, he wrote it down at 10:35 at night.
J: So that’s what those little numbers mean! God, do my apostles EVER sleep?
R: No, but the temple breakroom is copiously supplied with coffee, Red Bull, and caffeine pills to compensate.
J: Oy.
R: Look, JN, don’t you we’re getting a little off topic here?
J: Yeah, I guess. (pause) What were we talking about again?
R: That leper that’s suing you.
J: Oh, right.
R: Look, if I were in your position, I’d just give the guy whatever he wants. I mean, the guy’s a leper, he won’t ask for much.
J: Okay. (pause) Geez, I can’t believe I’m going to have a criminal record here in Jerusalem.
R: Trust me RN, the Romans have got a rap sheet on you like you wouldn’t believe.
J: Aw, nuts.
fin.
