MSN' AROUND - The Catfights, Bed Intruders, and Tiger Woods Edition Yeah, it's been quite a while since the last edition of "MSN' Around," so much so that I have no clue how many (or few) I've done. So instead of numbering it like before, I just described what's in store in the "edition" title.
For those of you (which is all of you) that have no clue what "MSN' Around" even is, it's a thing I do where I take the MSN.com homepage on a given date and time and make fun of the headlines and pictures. 'Cuz let's face it, MSN.com just begs for it WAY too often for it not to happen eventually.
I've previously just made these for friends with email, but now I'm venturing out into the Wonderful World Wide Wonka Web with this entry!
Anyway, I saw one today that caught my eye, and hopefully it'll provide you with loads of laughter that you'll be telling your great-grandchildren about decades from now.
I like to set realistic goals for myself, you know?
Let's get started! First, the target: dated Thursday, August 26 2010, taken at approximately 2:45 pm Eastern.
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Right off the bat we notice that MSN.com's snazzy new layout seems, at first glance, to be vaguely Raja-retardant. There is admittedly a molecule more dignity to the titles of the headlines then in the good old days. But any page that features as a headline "2-year-old cat becomes fashion icon" can't be too razz-proof, now can it?
Let's begin with the "Main Box" up top, for lack of a better term:
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Let's see here...
"Dueling Divas: 11 Musical Catfights" - Why 11 and not 10, like most normal lists? Because MSN.com loves you. Yes, you get to read about a free BONUS Musical Catfight, which is more Musical Catfights than what those OTHER Musical-Catfight-describing sites would typically afford you. It's like getting 11 Musical Catfights for the price of 10 Musical Catfights!
Actually, it's the same price as 10 Musical Catfights, 'cuz it's free to click either way, but the principle still applies.
- Speaking of
"Musical Catfights"....the main rules are as follows: you can't Catfight until the music STOPS. Then, everyone Catfights as quickly as possible. The one person left NOT Catfighting is then kicked out of the game, and the music resumes. Repeat until 2 divas are left standing.
- "
Things can get ugly"....looks like they already did, particularly in the picture on the left. I'm not sure who the hair stylists/makeup artists/photographers are for these people, but BOY are they brave to go out in public like that. While this IS one of Gaga's more restrained looks, that doesn't mean it suits a still photo all that well. And stop looking at me that way! Yikes. The nightmares.
- "
..when two stars vie for the same share of the musical spotlight." Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't Perry and Gaga (Tuesdays this Fall on NBC!) kinda in separate genres of music? I mean, you don't see Snoop Dogg and Yanni arguing over the same fans/stage/award just because they both happen to attend the same red carpet event, do you? DO YOU?
Then again, they aren't exactly divas either. Well, not Snoop, at least.
Moving right along!
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"Beware Smart Phone Data Plan Cons" - If you're like me at all, you had to read that headline a couple of times. Is it the PHONE that's smart, or the PHONE DATA PLAN that's smart, or the CON?
- "So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a con-artist."
"I see..."
"A smart phone DATA PLAN con artist."
"OH! That's a relief."
"Or, if you prefer, I'm a SMART phone data plan con artist. I don't do dumb stuff with my phone data plan cons."
"Wait, huh?"
-
"When it comes to buying smart phones, the true cost can be a mystery." I guess sometimes the store's pricetag label-maker runs out of ink. Hey, it happens!
-
"So we did the math for you." And by
"we," they mean "our smart phone". Which we should "beware" of. Oh wait, that's the data plan con that we should "beware" of.
Right?
I'm so confused.
Video: 'Bed Intruder' Guy Speaks Out - So they put 'Bed Intruder' in quotations, but not "guy"? For that matter, why did they even put the word "guy" in there? Surely most readers would get the point by just reading:
"Bed Intruder" Speaks Out. I guess there was some question as to the 'guy's' gender, I don't know.
- Speaks out against what? You intruded on a bed, man! Unless you were in your own house, or thought you were in a mattress store at the time, there is no room for you to defend yourself, mister!
(It is a 'mister,' right? The headline needs to specify that better for me.)
- Right now, the 'Toilet Intruder' guy is so jealous this hack got top billing over him.
Your Home's Hidden Energy Horrors - I saw Hidden Energy Horror last night at Rockfest, man. They rule. You and I should go check them out sometime, man. They don't have Musical Catfights like those other divas, you know?
- But seriously though (ha!)....how do they know what's in MY home anyway? Unless they're assuming that EVERY SINGLE HOME has the SAME EXACT hidden energy horrors. Which I HIGHLY doubt.
- Little known fact! The film "Little Shop of Horrors" was originally going to be titled "Little Home of Hidden Energy Horrors," but they figured a giant talking plant was more visually interesting than an outdated washer/dryer combo.
2-year-old Cat Becomes a Fashion Icon - Against its will, I assure you.
- So if the cat is 1 year old or 3 years old, it doesn't matter if it's a fashion icon or not? WHY DOES THE AGE MATTER!?
- Sooo...speaking of cats....do cats have Humanfights, then? MUSICAL ones?
And if so, can we rank the top 11 of them?
Wendy's Sells Natural, Skin-on Fries - Wait, you mean that black, burnt scabby thing at the end of half the fries they give me ISN'T skin?.................Excuse me a moment........
- Well, I guess that's an improvement over the fingers they put in the chili, AMIRIGHT!?
Why yes, I WILL be here all week, thank you very much.
Snake Causes NY Hospital Outage - Can Mr. Snake help it if the hospital cafeteria has the cheapest dead rats in town? CAN HE?
- If one single snake can cause either a power outage OR a network systems crash in a building as large and complex as a hospital, where multiple redundancies and backups is the norm for other facilities of its kind nationwide, then SOMEBODY seriously needs to fire their building/network engineer.
- I must say, I think I have a pretty good idea of what Samuel L. Jackson would have to say about all this.
(It would probably follow this format:
www.youtube.com/agentdeck#p/a/f/1/z4t6zNZ-b0A) Police: Shark Sighting A Practical Joke - The Kansas City Police Department, upon further investigation, begrudgingly conclude that they should have realized this at an earlier juncture.
- Police: Sides Still Sore From Laughing About Shark Sighting Gag
- Police: Can't Wait To Tell The Guys Back At The Precinct About That One
- Police: Can't Believe Johnson Fell For It
- Police: You Can Pull Fake Fin Out Of Water Now, Steve
- Police: Steve? We Thought You Were In Water
- Police: Then Whose Fin Is That
- Police: Uh-Oh
Video: Sportscaster Hit By Soccer Ball - Video: Sportscaster Furious They Kept That Take And Put A Link To It On MSN.com
- Unless he's hit in the crotch by the soccer ball "Daddy Day Camp"-style, color me uninterested.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST - the "Popular Searches" list! Remember - people allegedly SEARCH for these exact terms.
I cry for us.
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Celebrity Divorces - Otherwise known as: "Celebrity Marriages".
- "Elin was rumored to get $100 million from Tiger"..... "Was" rumored? As in, past tense? Why didn't you tell us what the CURRENT rumor is? And what do I need to do to get divorced from Tiger too!? Too many questions unanswered here.
Crow & Breast Cancer Center - Don't make me make another Samuel L. Jackson reference, 'cuz I WILL do it.
Mariah Carey Pregnant? - Just as long as she doesn't name the baby "Dice," I can live with this.
Wesley Snipes Avoids Prison - "U.S. Marshals" in a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen.
Weird Al & Lady Gaga - Can a single internet search actually CONTAIN that much weirdness?
- The baby will be.....interesting.
72 Bodies Found At Ranch - Got some sick people out there actively SEARCHING for this, apparently. Surely they can just click the 50 billion links available on any given news site!
Family Photo Captures Thief - The Thief's ultimate downfall: his irresistible urge to make "rabbit ears" at EVERY nearby photo op.
"The View" For Men? - Brought to you by the makers of Suave For Men and Tampax For Men.
- I can see the panel now.....Jason Statham, Hugh Jackman, Terry Crews, basically the entire cast of "The Expendables" (give or take a Jet Li) sitting around a tastefully decorated coffee table on a posh Burbank studio, chattering away the hours on such hot topics as Josh Groban's new album and Bette Midler's famous cranberry muffin recipe.
But it'll be with MEN, you see.
Jolie To Write, Direct War Film - "Mommy, can you feed me?"
"No sweetums, Mommy's writing and directing her war film right now..."
"But I'm hungry!"
"I just gave you dinner an hour ago! Remember the veal tartare with caviar sauce?"
"Yeah, but I wasn't HUNGRY then!"
"Just go play with your solid gold Playstation 4, okay?"
"But they haven't MADE Playstation 4 yet!"
"Not for poor and MIDDLE-class children they haven't, sweetie."
Royal Greek Wedding - The blandly-titled but somewhat-anticipated sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"!
Software Predicts Bad Behavior - "What are you doing, Dave?"
Travolta, Preston To Have A Boy - Why would anyone search such a specific statement that already tells you what you want to know?
"Hmm, I wonder if Travolta and Preston are having a boy. Let me type 'Travolta, Preston To Have A Boy' and hope I got it exactly right. *waits* Oops, that search didn't work, let me try: 'Travolta, Preston To Have A Girl,' maybe that'll work."
- Not only that, but they failed to specify the proper Travolta and Preston in their search! They might end up learning about the joyous news of Sioux Falls' Jerry Travolta and Gertrude Preston's recently bringing baby Steve into his South Dakota world.
And THEN where does that leave you, huh? That's right, WITHOUT the proper knowledge of whether the RIGHT Travolta and Preston had a boy or not. A situation I'm sure NONE of us ever want to find ourselves in.
This has been Thinking Way Too Much About It Theatre. Thank you.
Miley Cyrus & Breakup - Miley's just practicing for when she catches Tiger's eye. She knows the game.
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And that's quite enough for today. Thank you, thank you! You're too kind. No, I don't really intend to make fun of the Instaflex Joint Relief ad in the screenshot above - joint pain is no laughing matter, particularly when dealing with shocking discoveries made by Cambridge researchers.
Cambridge research also discovered that I'm tired, and will leave you be now. Just remember the lessons learned today, and we'll call it even:
1. Whenever you decide to make your own list of Musical Catfights, be sure to list a top 12 - because otherwise, MSN.com will just have you beat.
2. Never let your snake loose in a NY hospital, or your crow loose in a Breast Cancer Center - their hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on backups and redundancy goes down the toilet the second that happens.
3. Whenever near a soccer ball, place yourself in its path and make sure someone's filming - it WILL make it on MSN.com, mark my words.
4. Play it safe. Whether it's a smart phone, a data plan, a con, or all of the above, please beware of it.
5. If your cat is a fashion icon, whoop-de-do. If it's 2 YEARS OLD, however, then we're talkin'.
6. Under no circumstances should you turn down a marriage proposal from Tiger Woods. Your wallet will thank you later.