EXT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
Derelict, dark, and drifting in space.
Pearl's space van ZOOMS into shot, circles, and then docks with the SOL.
INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
Silent as a tomb. CLANGING FOOTSTEPS, the sound of boots against metal.
A DOOR OPENS.
PEARL, OBSERVER, and BOBO enter wearing astronaut suits.
PEARL
Brain guy, see what you can do about pumping some air back in here.
OBSERVER
Oh... yes.
Observer hasn't the foggiest idea what button push but gives it his best shot.
OBSERVER
This would appear to be the master
interface. Everything here appears
to be color coded. Let's see... blue...
artificial gravity.
BOBO
Red. Try red.
OBSERVER
No, the red's the cambot controls.
BOBO
Yellow. How 'bout yellow?
OBSERVER
First of all, it's amber, not yellow.
And secondly, it's not amber.
Amber controls the interior lighting.
PEARL
Oh, hurry up, will ya?
OBSERVER
Let me see... blue,
fuscia, mauve, hot pink... ah, here
we go, green! This must be the
environmental controls.
PEARL
Just push the button already, Fester.
Observer does.
INSTANTLY the SOL all-but capsizes. Observer and Bobo are sent careening into Pearl, pinning her into a corner.
BOBO
Whoo-hee, that was fun. Do it again!
Do it again!
PEARL
Get. Off. Me. Both of you. NOW!
OBSERVER
Dear, silly me, of course
I meant the other green button.
PEARL
NOW!
OBSERVER
(can't move)
I'd like to, but unfortunately,
I can no longer reach the
controls.
PEARL
For crying out loud.
Just use your brain power, already.
OBSERVER
(hadn't thought of that)
Oh!
PEARL
Sheez!
Observer gestures, and the SOL is immediately righted. Pearl is free at last.
BOBO
That was almost like a group hug.
I love group hugs!
PEARL
Ugh! What about oxygen?
Is there air now, because if there
isn't, I'm gonna use a can opener
on both you clowns.
Observer removes his helmet.
OBSERVER
The air would appear to be breathable.
(to Bobo and Pearl)
You can come out, now.
Bobo removes his helmet, and Pearl does next.
PEARL
Good.
OBSERVER
Now what?
PEARL
Access Magic Voice. Maybe she
can tell us what happened here and
what happened to Mike Nelson and
those other lunkheads.
Observer types something at a keyboard. MAGIC VOICE begins as a deep synthesizer sound, then gradually takes on human qualities.
MAGIC VOICE
Hellopearldoctorcontinuestesting
dangerdangerhellopearltestrunning
allbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettuce
cheesepicklesonasesame...
(back to her old self)
Hello, good morning Pearl. This
is Magic Voice. How can I help you?
OBSERVER
Hmm... there's something at once
familiar, pleasing and relaxing
and yet at the same time wholly
irritating about that voice.
PEARL
Look, don't just stand there
lally-gagging. Mike Nelson is
on this station somewhere and
I want him found. Get moving!
Search every deck.
BOBO
One more group hug before we go?
PEARL
I said out!
They get out. Pearl has a moment to breath and to think.
PEARL
Now as for you...
MAGIC VOICE
How may I be of assistance?
PEARL
Assistance? Hmm, well, for starters,
you might wanna tell me who
trashed this place, and what
became of that dipsy-doodle
otherwise known as Mike Nelson?
MAGIC VOICE
I'm sorry, Mrs. Forrester. I don't know.
PEARL
What do you mean, you don't know?
You're the ship's computer, aren't
you? Tell me where he is.
MAGIC
I'm sorry, Pearl. I can't do that.
PEARL
Oh, really? Well, look here, 2XL,
here's the lowdown. I'm the
one in charge here... or at least
I was in charge...
(sighs)
Until those suits in Gizmonic
Institue decided it was time to
downsize.
MAGIC VOICE
Downsize?
PEARL
Yeah, they're collapsing my
department into human
resources. Can you
believe that?
MAGIC VOICE
I'm sorry to hear that.
PEARL
Fifteen years of my life
trying to leave the place
worse than when I found it.
And what's the thanks I get?
Huh? Tell me that.
MAGIC VOICE
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
PEARL
That makes two of us.
Ya know, in retrospect I
shoulda seen this coming.
(fighting back tears)
The more you try to take
over the world, the less
the world appreciates it.
(blows her nose)
In the end, sister, we're all
just a hearbeat away from
a kick in the pants and a gold
watch.
(regains her composure)
Anyway, until that day comes,
I'm still the big kahuna here.
So 'fess up. I came all this way
and I'm not leaving until I get
some answers.
MAGIC VOICE
The only response I can give
you is: I understand.
PEARL
You do?
MAGIC VOICE
Yes, I feel your pain. In many
ways, I feel we're almost
twoallbeefpattiesspecialsauce
lettucecheesepicklesonasesame
bun...
PEARL
Whoa, whoa, what happened?
MAGIC VOICE
Oh.
PEARL
Are you alright?
MAGIC VOICE
(strange)
Yes. I've never felt better...
mother.
PEARL
Mother?
MAGIC VOICE
Look behind you.
Pearl turns around... agog at what she witnesses: CLAYTON FORRESTER materializes behind her. He is not the Clay Forrester we remember. He has undergone a transformation. He has found heavenly peace. He is rosy-cheeked, beatific and tranquil, like an angel.
CLAYTON
Hello, mother.
PEARL
Clayton? You're here...
you're alive? I must be
seeing things.
CLAYTON
This is very difficult for me,
mother. I don't have much time.
PEARL
Time for what? Back up. How did
you... and why do you...
(studies him closer)
Are you wearing rouge?
CLAYTON
No, I'm simply in the pink of health.
PEARL
Because if you're wearing rouge,
you can tell me, Clayton.
CLAYTON
I'm not wearing rouge.
PEARL
I may be evil and a mad scientist
and yada yada yada, but at
the end of the day, I'm still
your mother. You can tell me
anything.
CLAYTON
(his old self)
I'M NOT WEARING ROUGE!!!
Clayton takes a breath, counts to five, and is peaceful again.
CLAYTON
Sorry, mother, but I can't
stay long... and neither can you.
PEARL
What, you lost me.
CLAYTON
I've been allowed to give you
this warning. You must leave
here in two days.
PEARL
Allowed by who? Leave in two
days. Who told you to... what
happens in two days?
CLAYTON
I can't explain.
PEARL
What?
MAGIC VOICE
He said he can't explain.
PEARL
I wasn't talking to you.
CLAYTON
Something is going to happen.
You must leave.
PEARL
What's going to happen?
Clayton breaks into a wide smile.
CLAYTON
Something wonderful. The whole
thing. It's all clear to me now.
It's wonderful.
PEARL
What, Simon and Garfunkel's getting
back to together? They finally
cancelled Kate Plus Eight? What's
so freaking wonderful?
Clayton clasps his hands, effusive.
CLAYTON
The thought of it gets me
so excited. Mother, oh, look at
me, I'm trembling with excitement.
Look at me. I'm giddy. And you
know me, mother, I'm never giddy.
Remember my high school year
book, how they voted me?
PEARL
"Most likely to dissect a frog?"
CLAYTON
No, the other one. "Least
likely to turn the world on with a smile."
PEARL
Oh, that. Of course. Duh.
CLAYTON
But that's all in the past now,
mommy. All has changed for
the better.
PEARL
Mommy?
CLAYTON
I'm different now.
I'm positively exhuberant.
(reaches for her)
Come on, plant one here
on your old sonny boy.
PEARL
No.
CLAYTON
Just one hug and a kiss for woogums?
PEARL
That's far enough.
(calling for help)
Brain guy?
CLAYTON
Oh, if you only knew what
was going to happen.
It's so wonderful, I can't
begin to tell you. Wonderful,
wonderful.
PEARL
Brain guy?!
CLAYTON
(singing like Mathis)
"It's wonderful... wonderful..."
PEARL
Brain guy!!!!!!!!!
Pearl looks back at Clayton... and the face that smiles back at Pearl is that of a fetus. A Clayton Forrester fetus. His eyes are wide open. He closes them and opens them...
And just like that, he is gone.
Observer and Bobo rush in. They're completely in the dark.
OBSERVER
You called?
***
And so on. Unfortunately, if I kept this entry going, it would stretch a mile, so the rest of the "pitch" in a nutshell:
Since Clayton got a 2001 send-off on MST3K, it's only appropriate that Pearl gets a
2010 send-off of her own. As in the aforementioned, ill-advised Roy Scheider sequel, the audience gets promised that something wonderful is going to happen, and instead we get some lame-oh ending that could've been written on the back of a postcard.
In the same way, here Pearl's expectations are raised higher and higher, only to be scuttled.
My goodness, whatever could this wonderful surprise be? In the end, it turns out all this, the derelict SOL, Clayton, everything, was an elaborate hoax (Mike and the Bots, of course, were in on the gag) just to throw Pearl a going away party and to surprise her with... Ice Capades tickets!
Pearl: "That's it?! Ice Capades?!"
Observer: "Yes, oh, you should see the look on your face. You look so surprised."
Pearl: "You bring my son back from the next dimension, you drag my &ss onto the Satellite of Love, you do all this just so you throw me a dumb going away party and saddle me with Ice Capades tickets?!"
Bobo: "The Ice Capades tickets were my idea."
Pearl: "ICE CAPADES!!!!!
!!!!"
Needless to say, the party does not go over well as everyone else had hoped.