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Post by mummifiedstalin on Jan 14, 2013 11:21:56 GMT -5
Ratso made me do this.
It's time to start our own university. Obviously, it will be for-profit. Obviously, it will be online, because then we won't have to actually pay for the overhead of a building...or smell the students.
Now, we need both an administration and a faculty. As the founder, I get to be both. I'm the Owner, President, and Head of the Philosophy Department, which consists only of myself, so no one else can argue with what I say is Truth.
And we're privately owned BY ME, so no need for a board.
But we'll need a couple of VPs, with specific duties, Deans of the various schools, and obviously faculty. Advanced terminal degrees are required, but if you don't have one, we'll grant you one from the U of S, so don't worry.
Now accepting applications.
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Post by Ratso on Jan 14, 2013 12:22:49 GMT -5
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Jan 14, 2013 15:36:16 GMT -5
You didn't list the position you're applying for, but you're already overqualified to teach English. We'll start you as an Asst. Prof .and talk about tenure...later.
You'll be teaching a six course load: two sections of composition (one remedial...well, both really, but only one officially), one "Intro to Lit" (syllabus is up to you), two upper level courses, one on Shakespeare and one on Dean Koontz's youthful "erotica." The last course is a little weird, and it'll be team taught with someone from the Art History department and someone from the Saftey Engineering department. We haven't worked out all the details, but your part must conform to the title: "The Study of the Aesthetics of Boredom and Screaming." The text will include a random sampling of Bill O'Reilly's writings, two different recordings of dogs singing Christmas carols (please send your selections to the bookstore in a timely manner), and whatever I piss in the snow before class.
Welcome to U of S!
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Post by Crowfan on Jan 14, 2013 16:57:21 GMT -5
Well, I don't have Ratso's qualifications but I could teach history. Or how to make a beer bong.
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Jan 14, 2013 17:27:31 GMT -5
Fine. You are Professor of Beer Bong Manufacturing History.
I expect research grants. Lots of them. So get to writing proposals.
Oh, and you have to teach basic bio for the pre-med guys, so study up.
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Post by nondescript spice on Jan 14, 2013 18:33:15 GMT -5
any chance of getting in on a scholarship? instead of online classes, can i, like, do it through text or something?
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Jan 14, 2013 18:44:30 GMT -5
Semifore. It takes longer, but it gives you time to reflect on your responses.
And we don't do scholarships. Didn't you read the 'for-profit' designation? Don't you even research the place you're going to spend tens of thousands of dollars and the next six to nine years?!?!?!?!?
We don't want lazy students like you, so screw off.
However, we do have an opening in the Economics department. Would you be interested in applying?
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Post by siamesesin on Jan 14, 2013 18:54:56 GMT -5
Timmy Geithner wanted that spot.
I call dibs on Head of the Theatre Department. We'll stage the X-Rated version of "The Music Man"!
"The cream of every famous band" indeed!
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Jan 14, 2013 19:00:33 GMT -5
Timmy Geithner wanted that spot. I call dibs on Head of the Theatre Department. We'll stage the X-Rated version of "The Music Man"! "The cream of every famous band" indeed! Done. Unfortunately, the Professor of Theater Tech is a rabid weasel. And that's not a metaphor. This weasel showed up with a work release form and a legal contract that I'd apparently signed. Both were stapled to his back, and he was pretty pissed. Anyway, he's in the office next to yours. Good luck. |
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Post by nondescript spice on Jan 14, 2013 19:19:29 GMT -5
Semifore. It takes longer, but it gives you time to reflect on your responses. And we don't do scholarships. Didn't you read the 'for-profit' designation? Don't you even research the place you're going to spend tens of thousands of dollars and the next six to nine years?!?!?!?!? We don't want lazy students like you, so screw off. However, we do have an opening in the Economics department. Would you be interested in applying? up yers! i got a better offer to go to vietnam, anyways! |
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Post by siamesesin on Jan 14, 2013 21:06:59 GMT -5
Timmy Geithner wanted that spot. I call dibs on Head of the Theatre Department. We'll stage the X-Rated version of "The Music Man"! "The cream of every famous band" indeed! Done. Unfortunately, the Professor of Theater Tech is a rabid weasel. And that's not a metaphor. This weasel showed up with a work release form and a legal contract that I'd apparently signed. Both were stapled to his back, and he was pretty pissed. Anyway, he's in the office next to yours. Good luck. Hey, don't call Bob rabid. That's just the coke, and he's very polite about sharing. We did a nickel of pain together on a Midwest tour of "Starlight Express". His designs are inspired-pre-chewed scenery! |
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Post by Don Quixote on Jan 14, 2013 22:42:53 GMT -5
I just crapped all over the floor in the Dean's office. And all over the library. And inside the computer lab's printer.
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Post by siamesesin on Jan 14, 2013 22:50:01 GMT -5
I just crapped all over the floor in the Dean's office. And all over the library. And inside the computer lab's printer. Well, the budget for printer ink cartridges would equal the GNP of Bolivia, so you may have done us a favor there, sporto. SPRING BREAK AT THE BUNNY RANCH FOR THE STAFF! |
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Post by Don Quixote on Jan 14, 2013 22:52:17 GMT -5
Who'd have though letting the village idiot into their school would pay off!
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Post by Dave Walker on Jan 14, 2013 23:15:16 GMT -5
As I'm overqualified for this institution, I will leave it to you to attempt to raise enough money to lure me from my current academic post.
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