Forever Can't End Soon Enough: Twilight-A-Thon

[Torgo]

We’re on the countdown to the fifth and final Rifftrax for the Twilight “Saga” (I put that in quotation because I don’t think Twilight ever did anything worthy of being labeled a “saga,” except for plodding itself to an insane length). The occasion is always one for celebration. Why is Twilight so special? It’s not the most prolific franchise Rifftrax has pumped out for, as they’ve churned out seven riffs under the Star Wars banner, six of the eight Harry Potter flicks, and have already given us five in the Star Trek series. If you want to count films based upon Marvel Comics as one whole, then that would have definitely taken the cake.

No, Twilight is special because of the quality. Not of the movie, rest assured Rifftrax has done much better films. Casablanca and Jaws spring to mind, and the nerd in me wants to lump Spider-Man 2, the Dark Knight, and Predator up there with them. The quality lies within the trax itself, which has been so consistently hilarious that I dare rank them up not only with the best of Rifftrax in general (Cloverfield, Spider-Man, Lost, the Island of Dr. Moreau, and Battlefield Earth are all top tier for me) but some of the best of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as well, which is a feeling I don’t get often with Rifftrax. That alone makes a new Twilight film an event worth looking forward to, even if the squealing teenage girls will forgive me in not squeezing into a Team Edward t-shirt and joining them at a midnight premiere. I’ll wait until DVD to get my giggles from three guys I trust with my laughter.

I’ve never read the books, don’t intend to. If the movies are anything to go by, I’m sure I’d find them a waste of time. I do enjoy a good fantasy series, as my enjoyment of the adventures of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson in literary fiction will attest to. But the story of Twilight is so uneventful over the course of four books (or five films) that I wouldn’t find anything worthwhile to be invested in it. I hadn’t even heard of Twilight until I saw a piece about the movie filming on some news show on TV. Didn’t really pay attention, not even enough to notice that the leads were Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the trampy older sister from Zathura (which are two movies far more worthy of your time). I skipped the movie in theaters because the ads didn’t interest me, and didn’t even bother renting the DVD until Rifftrax tackled it. Even then it took me a while, as I was entertaining my then-girlfriend with the antics of Mike, Bill, and Kevin. She was a fan of the books and I told her they had done one for the movie, naturally we went out to Redbox and made a night of it.

That then and there was my first experience with this inane story about vampires full of…crystals or something, and how one of them who had lived for hundreds of years, banged his fair share of chicks, and somehow fell in love with the blandest, not just woman, but person imaginable. But alas, we all have our opinions of the story, so let’s let the funny ensue and we’ll get to that later.

Day One:


Rifftrax Intro: Kevin and Bill get into a heated debate over the extent of a vampire’s “sparkliness.” If the movie were any less silly than it is, this might have come off forced, but Kevin and Bill really sell it. Just be thankful the movie never answers just how sparkly a vampire is on their buttcheeks.

The Movie: Twilight is the pale story of a pale town full of pale people. A robot named Bella…(::whispers are heard:: )…that’s a girl? Okay, fine whatever. A girl named Bella (named after Dracula actor Bela Lugosi I assume. Too bad a better tribute couldn’t have been afforded to the legendary actor) moves into a small Washington town where she drones around and somehow makes friends even though she constantly ignores them. There she gets into constant staring contests with the palest of the pale, Edward (I’m guessing named after Dracula co-star Edward Van Sloan, but don’t quote me on that). I guess she wins these contests because he keeps hopping away like a scared bunny.

So Edward stalks stalking Bella and for some reason she isn’t creeped out by this in any way. After a few needless displays of superpowers, Bella puts two and two together and figures out that he is actually Clark Kent, er, I mean a vampire because that makes even more sense. Now happily embracive of this fact, the two start dating. But the whole “vampires crave human flesh” thing gets in the way and Edward has to fend her off from vampires with slightly less hair gel than him.

I’m a dude. Twilight’s a romance. Logic dictates I should dislike this movie simply because it’s a romance. I don’t. I dislike it because it’s a poorly told romance full of personality-less characters who couldn’t recite a believable line of dialogue if their lives depended on it.

I’m also a monster movie lover. Twilight makes the monsters less horrific. Logic dictates I should dislike this movie because it gave vampires sparkles. I don’t. The truth is that I do somewhat admire a more folklore (ish) approach that Stephanie Meyer has given these age old creatures, and let’s face the fact that it works for the story she wanted to tell. The problem is that by trying to make these creatures more desirable the gothic tone the story goes for becomes full blown melodrama instead with a trashy “dangerous things in beautiful packages” theme that it’s trying to sell us on.

I don’t dislike Twilight for what it’s trying to do; I dislike it for being a complete failure at it. At its best it’s like a really bad episode of Smallville, at its worst it’s like watching a brick wall for a long period of time. That’s not a good combination.

On the back end, it’s just not a very skilled production. Director Catherine Hardwicke was taken straight from the indie circuit and thrown into this studio film. She doesn’t entirely seem sure of how to handle the wires, effects, and stunts, and as a result every use of the vampires doing their thing just looks silly.

That said, I kind of dig that Carter Burwell score. It seems to embrace the tone of the film rather well, underlining the drama for those who are actually taking this seriously and/or enhancing the camp value for those who are seeing it for how goofy it really is.

That and that brunette Cullen, whatshername (if I were more interested in this movie maybe I'd learn her name) provides eyecandy where Kristen Stewart fails...


Yummy.

The Trax: Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep the riffing on rapid fire throughout, probably afraid that if they let the laugh ratio drop then the movie will push the viewer away. To them I say mission accomplished. While Twilight is in many ways a different movie for them, it’s also in many ways a movie that has all the qualities that they shine with. It’s poorly acted, poorly directed, cheesy, obnoxiously stylized, and is even a half-assed monster movie to boot. They have everything that they need, and I’m glad they grabbed the ball and ran for the endzone.

“Hellooooooooooooooo doin’ your sister!” There’s a lot of mileage early on from the incestuous undertones of the Cullen clan.
“Oh god, I shouldn’t have drank that sample…” The really bad acting portraying the “romantic tension” (and I use that term loosely) in science class leaves itself wide open for mockery.
“Can’t socialize, obsessed with crappy book series!” The entire pop culture phenomenon isn’t safe from our boys, either.
“Is she supposed to look sexy or like she’s wearing a rabbit’s dentures?” Ah, Kristen Stewart, the most unsexy sex symbol this side of Uma Thurman.
“What was our math homework?” Those weird random scenes where Edward suddenly appears in Bella’s room are unveiled for just how damn creepy they really are.
“Line?” In a movie so filled with awkward silence, a running gag such as this flourishes. If all of that silence was cut out the movie would have been 20 minutes long.
“Wal-Mart on Black Friday!” The satanic photos on the internet while looking up articles on vampirism get some great reactions. Having actually worked at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday, I can vouch for this particular reaction.
Bill hums the Benny Hill theme to Edward’s first display of super speed. Needless to say it’s perfect.
“So if I say I’m a vampire, I wonder if I can get away with that groping thing he just did.” Too many creepy vibes from Edward go unnoticed just because he’s “hawt.” But not today.
“C’mon Mike, you don’t worry about how many lives he’s snuffed out when you meet someone with eyebrows like that! ::growl::” So yeah, the whole vampires feed on humans thing just gets shrugged off. Seems like it would be more important than it is.
“I’m Haaaaaaaaaaaaaarpooooooooooooo!” The Cullen who looks like a disturbed, satanic Harpo Marx is the butt of this running gag, which never fails to make me laugh.
“Yeah, it was fun until they slammed into that eagle’s nest.” That hilarious on its own tree climbing scene gets even funnier as the boys pick it a part.
“I want to jump into your throat…and watch you bleed out on the floor…” Kevin’s lyrics to Edward’s piano solo are just brilliant.
“Jeez Louise, a peewee football team takes less time to score!” That forever make-out scene in Bella’s room takes a well deserved thrashing.
“Let’s see you hit my puffball!” So they really thought that baseball scene was going to be cool? Well now they know better.
“She loves him based on him not killing her…that’s unhealthy…” Bella’s bond with Edward in a nutshell.
“Least threatening movie villain since that floating plastic bag in American Beauty.” Femmy ponytail does not a bad guy make.
“Infected already? Ponytail boy must never brush his teeth!” That climatic battle at the end, most pathetic sequence of “action” since Equilibrium.
“Whoa! Back off, mom! We’re not blind!” The real hellbeast of this movie? Bella’s mom.
“Wow! She jumped ahead of the script by about eight pages!” Kristen Stewart…ah let’s not beat around the bush. Just ugh.
“The sexual tension between these guys is off the charts!” – Mike on Edward and Jacob. Just wait until Jacob becomes a major player. This seems tame by comparison.
“Ah it’s Twilight author Stephanie Meyer and she is not happy with this production…DEAR LORD SHE HAS A SNIPER RIFFLE!” And with that we finish our film, and it wasn’t over soon enough…(::whispers are heard:: )…there’s four more? GODDAMNIT!

But before we sign off for today, I'd like to give a special shout out to my homies...

The REAL Bela...


The REAL Edward...


The REAL Harpo...

[Torgo]

Day Two:


Rifftrax Intro: Kevin and Bill now have vampire superpowers. Mildly amusing, but I don’t think a lot could have been gained from this segment through mere audio. Had this been a host segment on MST then it might have been a howler.

The Movie: I’d try and explain what New Moon is about here, but if New Moon is about anything it sure as hell didn’t make it apparent. So I’m going to tangent here…

In 1999 a movie called American Pie came out and despite not being particularly good it gained such a massive fanbase that it churned out two immediate cash in sequels that fans ate up, four direct to video spinoffs that nobody wanted, and a reunion movie a decade later that nobody saw. The directing team behind that original were brothers Paul and Chris Weitz. The combo split after critical and box office bomb Down to Earth and critical and box office success About a Boy, and the former went to lend himself to quite a variety of good (In Good Company), mediocre (American Dreams), bad (Little Fockers), and pure WTF (Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant). The latter went down a more memorable yet unfortunate path. Chris Weitz became the man who single handedly destroyed New Line Cinema with his bloated and incoherent fantasy adaptation of the Golden Compass with its out of control budget and dismal box office.

That’s right folks, the film that tore down “The House That Freddy Built.”


“See you in your nightmares, Chris…”

Whether it was out of desperation for another job after this disaster or an actual affection for the source material that he took on New Moon, I can’t say. All I can say is that I have images of him sending endless calls to Summit constantly asking “Did I get it? Pleaseopleaseopleaseoplease” and them finally caving into it.

I saw the Golden Compass when it was release and thought it deserved to go down the toilet the way it did. If there was a man who could have killed Twilight, Weitz was the man to do it, but alas the power of the fangirls prevailed and this franchise reached new heights in revenue. Of course, ads wisely steered away from “From the Director of the Golden Compass” or “From Half the Director of American Pie” in favor of “Jacob Takes Off His Shirt. Oh Yeah.” The sad thing is that New Moon and the Golden Compass are just about even in quality but for different reasons. New Moon scores highly on the “Nothing’s Happening” scale while Golden Compass just about breaks the “What the HELL is going on?” meter.

But to drop the comparisons to Weitz’s last attempt at fantasy epic, New Moon is probably the hardest movie to endure of the series because of its hollowness. The first film at least had a storyline (I’d say that through clenched teeth, but it’s the truth). This entire film exists as an introduction of new characters, specifically Jacob and his tribe of werewolves, and new threats, the Volturi I guess they’re called (I have no clue if I spelled that right and I don’t really care if I did). There’s no story connecting any of this except a very mopey Kristen Stewart and inane ideas such as “Edward appears to me when I do insanely stupid things!” And it all plays out at a positively merciless 130 minute runtime, the longest of the series (unless you count both halves of Breaking Dawn as one film…but I have trouble describing any of them as “films”).

Weitz polishes up the indie look of the first film, and it feels a bit more Hollywood this time around. With that polish it kind of makes Stephanie Meyer’s take on vampires and werewolves look even stupider, but whatyagonnado? Music is toned down to awful folk music and a dreary piano theme by Alexandre Desplat, who would go on to produce something far more rousing when chosen to score both halves of the fantasy franchise capper Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. If he had any talent before that he sure as hell doesn’t show it here. But this movie seems to go out of its way to suck talent from anybody it meets, so that’s no surprise. Even Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen aren’t safe from it.

Speaking of Sheen, he starred in Underworld, another flick about vampires, werewolves, and lust (except with lots of gunplay and Kate Beckinsale in tight pants). Watch that movie instead. Sure, it’s pretty silly itself, but at least it has narrative…and Kate Beckinsale in tight pants.

The Trax: For the most part New Moon lives up to the Twilight riff, if just slightly lesser. That lesser status is largely because they play it a little too safe. Revisiting old running gags that worked was a given (“Line?”) but a good amount of time is given to them searching for new ones to milk and coming up short. This results in a couple of dry spells where the movie is giving them something ripe, but they just seem to miss their golden opportunity. Personally I can’t help but feel Bella’s birthday scene could have been much funnier than it was.

Even with some of the more obvious choices, such as poking fun at flaming homosexuality featured in the evil vampire overlords, they do get some major laughs. Michael Sheen’s wildly hammy performance is especially working in their favor and they’re relishing it. That’s good, because there’s more of him to come.

“What the hell? That’s not a ‘new moon!’ I’ve seen that dozens of times before!” The trax gets out to a rousing start with Bill’s immediate rant before the movie has even started.
“And we’re a minute in and the movie has already ground to a halt.” You don’t know the half of it, Mike. Just wait.
“GAH! EVIL HARPO!” Yay! Harpo’s back!
“He’s doing his impression of the millions of boyfriends who had to sit through this movie.” As someone who made the same face at a screening of this, I can vouch for this.
“WILL YOU PLEASE GET THROUGH A SENTENCE WITHOUT A GIANT PAUSE!” Preaching to the choir, Mike.
“Complete sentence? NO! She’s oh for fifty!” And turned into hilarious rungag.
“Line?” It’s back, folks!
“I sold you to another franchise. It’s Hogwarts for you, kid.” I wish. Actually no, don’t unleash Kristen Stewart on that franchise, please.
“Drywall!” This series of trax needed another rungag? Yes please!
“Vampire fart boy, resolidifying!” One of the more ridiculous points of the movie doesn’t go by unnoticed.
“Yes that 43 year old, white ‘homeboy.’” Good to know Twilight’s dialogue is as consistent as ever.
“Maybe she should demonstrate on him.” Mike’s reaction to hearing the title “FacePunch.” Apparently starring Gerard Butler, though it sounds more like a Steven Segal or Dolph Lundgren movie.
“I want to lead you along and crush you like a bug.” Thank you Bill for describing Bella and Jacob’s “relationship” better than I ever could.
“Alright! FacePunch the Home Game!” I need to get me one of them.
“Now some ‘I hate being me’ time.” Wow, Kevin actually unearthed the plot of this movie!
“You WILL give me your Snausages!” Giant wolf people means plenty of Snausage references.
“Oh, I see. So you’re someone else’s chew toy!” Great line in reference to the climax of the last movie.
“He’s wearing a SHIRT?! What a noob.” Yeah. Shirts are a rare thing in this movie for the dudes. That’s a given.
“Filmed in Legend-of-Zelda-Vision!” Really obnoxious chase scene halfway through trying to convince the male gender that there’s ACTION in this movie. Stop kidding us. Contrary to opposite sex perception, we’re not stupid.
“Glad you’re home! I’ve been hovering in the dark for hours!” Ah, Twilight plot points. Got to love them.
“And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.” Robert Pattinson doesn’t enjoy the gym as much as Taylor Lautner does, apparently.
“She’s been acting since she was, like, 2, she can buy or sell us all!” Poor Dakota Fanning. I know she’s the right age to be in this fanbase, but it’s a shame to see someone with talent dragged down by this crap.
“Soulless monster? Edward’s an NBC executive?” I’m quoting this because I’m still pissed they canceled My Name is Earl.
“I consider you the Cousin Oliver of our family.” Obscure reference for the win!
“And stay off of this log. THIS IS MY LOG!” And with Twilight melodramatics these two torturous hours come to a close. Only…six…more…to…go…

[Monophylos]

The director of "New Moon" had directed The Golden Compass? Oh, my. What a train-wreck that was. I have no idea whether the source material is any good (I have my doubts about a book written specifically to poke another book in the eye) but I remember walking out of the theater with my partner after seeing the film and him saying something like, "Was there a single line of that movie that wasn't exposition?" And Daniel Craig basically disappears from the movie after the first act. Maybe he walked off the set and they had to film around him.

[Torgo]

Yeah, Golden Compass was just an epic fail in every place that counted. When everything in your movie needs a line of dialogue explaining it so the audience doesn't get lost, then maybe you shouldn't make it. I also thought New Line oversold the movie to an absurd point, with the constant tailers that kept telling me "From the studio that brought you Lord of the Rings." It always felt to me that they were using established product that sold to try and recreate its success with something else and it was kind of annoying me. If the movie looked any good the people would come. Though in hindsight, knowing just how much was riding on that movie, I understand why they were pushing that angle.

Ironically, the film made the most money overseas, but I heard New Line had to sell the international rights to help pay for the budget, so they got extra screwed in that area. Some of this stuff you have to laugh at to keep from crying.

As for Daniel Craig, I seem to recall a story that the book originally ended later than the movie did and featured his character, and that the scene was actually film. But the studio decided it was in their best interests to cut off the film earlier. Don'really know why, maybe it was to give it a more LOTR like ending, but its always infuriating to sit through a movie and not get an actual ending from it.

[Torgo]

Day Three:

(Check it out, even the poster tagline has a pause in it)

Rifftrax Intro: Bill is sparkly, Kevin takes off his shirt, and Disembodio is a werewolf, who has “imprinted” Amanda Seyfried (who ironically went on to star in Twilight director’s Catherine Hardwicke’s follow up werewolf film Red Riding Hood). Usually relying on Disembodio for lengthy periods of time is a set up for failure and this one isn’t really an exception. There’re a few good lines, but Kevin gets the big laugh.

The Movie: Every single ad for Eclipse was stamped with the tagline of “It All Begins With A Choice,” to which I exclaim “huh?” What choice? This movie isn’t about any choice. I suppose this is supposed to be in reference to Bella choosing between Edward and Jacob, but SHE MADE THAT F***ING CHOICE THE PREVIOUS MOVIE! Allow me to quote one of New Moon’s increasingly awful pieces of dialogue…

“Don’t make me choose, because it will be him. It’s always been him.”

I don’t understand why they’re playing up this love triangle “choice” bulls*** when they specifically state that Bella isn’t even considering it a choice. Sorry Team Jacob, but the dog was smacked on the nose cold turkey and anybody that denies it is just kidding themselves.

Maybe Stephanie Meyer’s plotting of the books is less shallow than this (I reiterate, I have not read them), since it’s told through Bella by first person, but the Bella of the films seems to have a one-track mind of selfish desire. Throughout the films I find myself assuming that Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts (which is really made a big deal of) because the honest truth of the matter is that nothing is rattling around up there in her head.

And that is the ultimate failing of Twilight, if nothing else. Bella is so unlikable and airheaded that my attention drifts off. Yet I’ve always imagined that that was the reason it was popular with women as opposed to men, because Bella was a blank drone. Any girl could pick up the book and imagine themselves as her and have two Mr. Rights fighting over her for no reason. In that camp, I’d say Twilight definitely is the ultimate in romance fantasy fiction. But for those of us with testosterone, we aren’t so taken with Edward’s sparkliness, Jacob’s pectoral muscles, or how pretty all the men look with all that eyeliner. We need a story, damnit.

Or Kate Beckinsale in tight pants. That will substitute nicely. What? Women aren’t the only people who can overlook a movie’s downfalls just because of how hot the opposite sex looks in it.

Thankfully, Eclipse has a story, which is a step up from the previous movie. This entry in the series actually pays off loose strings from the first film that were all but ignored in the second in favor of wandering around aimlessly. Here vengeful ginger vamp Victoria attempts to wipe out the Cullens by building up an army of vampires. Anti-Twilight-fans such as myself will more than likely go “Yes, please! And start with Bella! Hold nothing back!” But truth be told as a driving force, this isn’t bad. It’s a bit overkill for a character who had next to no screentime so far, but meh.

Truth be told this is the only film in the series that managed to hold my attention from beginning to end without the aid of Rifftrax. How much of this is thanks to the contributions of new director David Slade, who already had directed an awful yet stylized vampire tale under the title of 30 Days of Night, I’m not certain. Slade seems to be aware of how stupid this series is and plays Eclipse up with far more tongue in cheek than you’ll see in any of the other entries. Some of the intentional humor in this entry is actually pretty funny, and it borders on self aware. Perhaps this was the direction the series needed to go to appeal outside the fanbase, but alas this was the only glimpse of this side of Twilight we ever got to see.

It’s not great, but for what it is it’s not bad. Soft praise to a mediocre movie, but it’s hard not to take what you can get when you’re surrounded by crap.

The Trax: Eclipse is a little more diverse than the previous Twilight riff, with less run gags and more observations and pop culture references. I’m at the very least glad they were gutsier this time around, even though it takes a while to start its engine. The trax continues to build steadily throughout before reaching a peak three quarters of the way through, then it just kind of unwinds again during the climactic battle and endless epilogue. Still, there’s a lot to laugh at here, making Eclipse another winner in the Twilight riff collection.

“This is like Bart and Lisa Simpson asking Homer for a swimming pool.” Personally if Kristen Stewart didn’t want to marry me I’d be ecstatic.
“Team Moustache Dad!” I actually agree with this. Bella’s dad is pretty much the only guy in this series I don’t loathe to a certain level.
“Line?” Didn’t take them long to get back to that one…
“Ah, the truck’s a rockin’, I hope nobody comes a knockin’!” Don’t encourage them, Kevin.
“Man, I watched Running Man on my treadmill and it STILL had less running than this movie.” You mean you watched Running Man and didn’t record a Rifftrax for it? That’s unforgivable Kevin. No Blame Society crap, I want one from the masters.
“Ah it’s nice to have someone who cares wish death upon you.” Well, to be fair, he IS saying it to Bella.
“Oh kinky…” Perfect moment.
“I feel rheumatism, mostly.” Ah, old people jokes. How I love thee?
“Really? I could have sworn you were gay.” He’s trying to prove otherwise but it’s not working.
“You guys went to see FacePunch again!” Woooooooooooo! FacePunch!
“I had syphilis!” Odd point for humor, but Kevin delivers it so well that you can’t help but laugh.
“HOUSEKEEPING, BITCH!” Vamp Bride in FACEPUNCH!
“This is the wackiest road trip we’ve ever taken…” I have little doubt of that.
“HOORAY FOR DRIFTING AIMLESSLY!” I don’t doubt that’s the future for all these kids.
“Now where can I put my shirt?” We all know that was what he was actually thinking.
“Travel Plans of the Undead!” Directed by George Romaro. Can’t be worse than Survival of the Dead, am I right?
“Not-the-mama! Gotta love me!” Wow, I just flashed back a thousand years back when I was 7.
“Rat rouchebag?” Scooby talk = win.
“Um…Jake…Red Rocket…” Ugh. Want that image OUT OF MY HEAD!
“Nor a Marx Brother resembling contest!” It’s a crime that they went this long without mentioning Harpo.
“The most romantic couple since Oscar the Grouch and the giant orange guy who used to carry him around.” I think you’re giving them too much credit, Mike.
“He seemed especially interested in the ‘sleepover’ part.” That would be kind of hot if one of them weren’t Bella.
“You know, slip on a banana peel, fall finger first into a wedding ring…” I’m pretty sure that’s how some of my family members got married…
“Is that a tube of hair gel in your pocket or are you just happy to see…oh…tube of hair gel…” The entire almost sex scene is priceless.
“My abs get wifi.” Somehow I know this riff would get squeals from females.
“Actually I’m Tina, but I guess we ALL LOOK THE SAME TO YOU!” Even if Bella didn’t make this mistake at this moment, I imagine she did it at some point with these huskies.
“Ugh…she tastes like liver sausage…” With all that ceramic in her I thought she would have tasted like Pop Rocks.
“Now if you filed the paperwork on time…” Dakota Fanning, Vampire Overlord File Clerk
“Thank you Twilight, before you where could a 12 year old girl go for tales of demonic possession and child murder that were age appropriate?” And with that another Twilight film down. I’m told there’s only one book left! Which of course means it was split in two to maximize box office. But hey, at least they didn’t split a tiny-assed book in three like the Hobbit.

[Monophylos]

"And that is the ultimate failing of Twilight, if nothing else. Bella is so unlikable and airheaded that my attention drifts off."

You said it. I haven't read the books either but from what I can tell in the movies Bella has zero personality. Her sole defining characteristics are that she pines after Edward and can't wait for him to fu--er, vampirize her. There is nothing else to her.

[Torgo]

Day Four:


Rifftrax Intro: Bill starts ranting about how the Twilight films don’t have enough Jasper (AKA Harpo). Bill going off into angry tangents is always a treat, but this one is cut short by Disembodio playing around with anagrams, which goes on a tad too long.

The Movie: I remember back when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out, my sister and I were at the midnight showing (it was a double feature with Part 1). As we anxiously awaited the show to start the conversation drifted to the notion of splitting a finale book into two movies. My thoughts on the matter where I was hesitant about the idea being used in Harry Potter, because JK Rowling is usually two acts of exposition and one act of event, so basically what we were getting was one film of exposition and one film of event (turned out I was right, even though Part 1 turned out better than I anticipated and Part 2 turned out more underwhelming). She then started talking about Twilight and how they were doing the same thing with Breaking Dawn and talking about how splitting it in two would work. With all the talk about “imprinting” and “venom” and the like, I had no clue what she was talking about.

Maybe understanding Twilight isn’t in my veins, because here I am watching the movie and I still have no clue what she was talking about.

The idea of turning a Twilight book into two movies terrifies me, because if they made these long-ass books into two hour movies and they still felt as if more should have been cut out I don’t want to sit through one that’s twice as long. I can’t even imagine enduring the two part final film of the Hunger Games. And turning the goddamn Hobbit into three movies? Now you’re just getting greedy, Hollywood. It’s too bad Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy never took off, because I’d be on the edge of my seat waiting for Mostly Harmless Part 5 right now.

This is not taking into account Battlefield Earth, which was splitting books in two before it was cool. It never made its part two, but if it was anywhere near as ass-end hilarious as the first, then we missed out on something special. And the independents are churning out endless portions of Atlas Shrugged right now, despite the fact that nobody’s watching them.

But I digress, which is easy to do when you’re talking about something as uninteresting as Twilight.

Twilight’s fanbase is heavily interested in the romance between Bella and Edward, so an entire movie based around their wedding and bearing a child together would very much be crowd pleasing to them, so in this case I somewhat understand the break (even if Part 2 goes to hell because of it, but more on that mess tomorrow). I remember hearing at my local Wal-Mart that people were dressing up in bridesmaid dresses for the midnight release of the DVD and Blu-Ray of this movie, which goes to show you just how devoted these fans are. Hell, I’m a huge Spider-Man fan, but I don’t dress up in a web-imprinted tuxedo to read the issue where Peter and Mary Jane get married.

In a nutshell, a lot of Breaking Dawn Part 1 rides on just how invested the audience is in Bella and Edward’s relationship. The wedding is designed to make girls swoon, the sex scenes are designed to make them hot so the boyfriends will get some when they get home, the pregnancy manifests to delight the fans as the couple’s love results in another lifeform (an undead lifeform, but still), and the pregnancy’s complications (resulting in a vampire child feasting on her human mother from the inside) is supposed to make them worried, even though happily ever after is obviously Stephanie Meyer’s game. Those of us who don’t care whether Bella lives or dies will laugh at weird plot points this storyline takes, only ensuring that we all sigh in defeat when the inevitable happens and Bella vamps out at the end because we know that it’s worst case scenario: there’s another movie coming.

I have no emotional attachment to the couple, and I find Breaking Dawn Part 1 is an endlessly silly affair. The sad thing is that its strongest moments are when it’s more like the other Twilight films, and as the story goes on into its impregnation plot everything starts flying off its rocker. This crazy notion that it’s an event that has never been seen before in vampire history is nonsensical bulls*** in a obvious failure of an attempt to make Bella and Edward’s romance seem special, even when it’s nothing of the sort. What’s worse is the absurd way the film plays out. I expected more respectable from Gods & Monsters director Bill Condon, but when it gets to the point where the werewolf pack starts talking to each other in wolf form like something out of Godzilla vs. Gigan…




…that is where I lose all respect for the man.

The one thing I’ll give Breaking Dawn Part 1 is that it’s not one of its more increasingly awful spoof films. Breaking Wind? Ugh. I’ll keep my Rifftrax for when I’m in the mood for mocking Twilight, thank you.

The Trax: This is only my second time watching this one, the first being release day. I remembered it being the weakest of the Twilight trax, but the funny thing about any riff is how you can do a 180 in opinion on it. There were days long behind me when I thought I Accuse My Parents was a mediocre episode of MST, now it’s a favorite. The one thing I’m noticing while watching this particular one right now is that while it’s not a howler, it’s so damned clever. There’s a lot of keen observations about the film and well-aimed jabs at it that hit the sweet spot. This might not be the funniest of the Twilight riffs, but it’s probably the smartest.

However, to be fair to my earlier opinion, as the film gets mopier the riffing takes a hit. The movie’s attempt at somberness seems to kill the guys’ energy, which is sad, because what’s happening onscreen is insane and terrible. It’s sad that they can’t overcome it, but I have hopes that Part 2’s wackiness will bring out the best in these guys.

Don’t let the silence as the end credits begin fool you, the guys stick around to riff a mid-credit scene, and stick around to mock the flaming Volturi throughout the rest of the credits. It’s a hoot.

“Another rejection letter from a college that requires shirts.” Shirt joke right out the gate! Sweet!
“Oh look, the tiny rat man who’s also in love with me built another nest.” The way this series has gone, I’m not surprised that there’s yet another…
“Ha! Yeah, me a virgin as if vampires can still get erections. What, I never mentioned that part?” You know, scientific reasoning has no place in this series. Let’s not even try.
“Ugh, I’m so drunk.” I’m going to miss Moustache Dad. There I said it. I wish this series was about him.
“He’s the Sam the Eagle of Twilight!” SEE?! We needed more of him so we could get more riffs like this.
“Wait, shouldn’t the room with half the vampires be sparkling right now?” Don’t bother with continuity errors, Bill. We’d be here all day.
“Also my bible just burst into flame for some reason…” You’d think, right?
“Quick question, anybody here know my name?” I highly doubt it. I never bothered to learn the names of main characters in these movies.
“Odd time for a Christopher Walken impression…” OMG, that was brilliantly spotted, Mike.
“Aw, how’s my favorite runner up?” A well-played summery of Bella and Jacob’s relationship.
“Yeah, I can really see why they split this into two movies…” Preaching to the choir, Bill.
“Let’s pad this bitch out even further.” Bill beat you to it, Kevin.
“Peeing…peeing…I AM PEEING!” Ah, romance.
“Two words you NEVER want the person lying naked under you to say.” ::rimshot::
“Well, we wrecked the bedroom. Guess it only makes sense to wreck the toilet.” Sex scenes and toilet humor go together like two girls and one cup.
“That’s what you get for reading the Karma Sutra According to Ike Turner.” Ouch.
“As an abusive husband, I’ll tell people you’re fine for you.” Double ouch.
“King me! I’m good at Chesters!” If Bella were real, this would be her natural dialogue.
“Except maybe Harpo.” The one thing every Trax needs, more Harpo.
“I have no clue what my line is.” They went this long without “Line?” Wow. I’m appalled.
“Line?” Ah. There it is. I feel better.
“I’m sorry about Abduction.” New run gag. Poor Taylor.
“The Artist had better banter.” Cute quip, but ladies and gentlemen, see the Artist. Far better romance movie.
“It’s like someone’s making up the rules as she goes!” I suspect that’s true, Mike. I have for a while now.
“Ha! I’m on Team Jacob, let’s get the hell out of here!” Right behind you, Kev!
“Still better than when Clint Howard’s face kept appearing before me.” Should learn to watch less House of the Dead.
“Gentlemen, commence buttsniffing!” This meeting is called to order!
“Please be talking about Breaking Dawn Part 2!” Unfortunately no. Having seen Part 2, nothing would have delighted me more.
“They’re going to hand her a lifetime Razzie Award.” No that’s next year.
“Is he trying to fart? What the hell is wrong with his face?” New rungag involves farts. Don’t squirm, just accept it.
“Lose the baby bump and she’s pretty much Skeletor in a wig.” I think Thandie Newton already takes that honor.
“Oh! Best part of the movie! Door slams on chalkface and TWO SECONDS OF FOOTBALL!” Men of the world rejoice.
“He didn’t become police chief by being suspicions of obvious lies, you know.” Ah, Twilight’s failure to convince us of tiny details is just as important of its failure to convince us of its big picture.
“Sleeping nose to anus is something I’ll never get used to.” Whoa, just had flashbacks to Werewolf.
“Edward Jacob Thunderlips!” You think that sounds silly? The girl name Bella comes up with is even worse.
“Ah the sound I made when I heard they were making Breaking Dawn into two separate films!” Imagine the sound I made when I heard ::shudder:: Mockingjay was being split into two films.
“Really good tasting baby.” What a beautiful moment.
The entire “Vampire Venom” bit is hysterical. The fact that Edward keeps his ready in a syringe, however, is even funnier.
“Could this finally be the shirtless Jacob/Edward wrestling match that I’ve been…people’ve been waiting for…people…” Uh-oh. Mike’s a closet TwiHard.
“So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother’s womb by the teeth of her vampire husband…Stephanie Meyer get some help. You’re a very, very sick and deranged. You need to be hospitalized now.” THANK YOU!
“Saved once again by the ever changing rules of their vampire world.” And as Mike, Kevin, and Bill ride off into the sunset doing their best Vulturi murmurs, we are eased by the knowledge that there’s only one left. Too bad it’s the most inane of all…

[Skyroniter]

Great reviews, Torgo.

The countdown is now over though it will be some time before I can suffer number 5.

[Torgo]

I bought mine this morning, but won't be able to get to it until after work. Listened to the intro though. Almost expected them to throw a shout out to the Kickstarter, but they never mentioned it. I guess it would sound weird to anybody who bought the riff after the campaign was over though.

[Torgo]

Day Five:

(honestly, how hilarious is this poster? “Remember you’re fighting for your lives, now smile for the birdie!”)

Rifftrax Intro: While Mike and Bill celebrate the last of the Twilight movies, Kevin has mercury poisoning and only two months to live. Mike and Bill however ignore his pleas to listen to him. Pretty funny bit, expected something zingier for the last of the Twilight films, but it’s serviceable.

The Movie: We’ve made it this far, there’s no turning back now. Yes folks, Twilight is back and they’ve saved their most rancid dog fart of a movie for last. Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a movie without purpose and entertainment value, as it drifts to the end without a clue as to what it should be about, if anything. It pads its simplicity to a ridiculous point where it pretty much confirms that Breaking Dawn had absolutely no business being two movies.

How bad did it pad itself? The movie is just under two hours long…and about twenty minutes of that are credits. But hey, less movie for us.

I’ll give it this much, the movie doesn’t give up on itself. It probably should have, but it takes its melodrama stone-cold seriously to the last frame. But…it’s…just…so…stupid. These people look and act ridiculous, and the fact that they seem to think they’re making some epic film for the times makes it very sad. What the times will think of Twilight is up in the air, but I can’t possibly imagine that such obsession with it will last past the decade. This isn’t Casablanca. It’s not Gone with the Wind. It’s not the Wizard of Oz. Watching these people make these movies thinking that they can possibly be up to par with films of legend only makes me sad. I can only imagine mothers trying to pass this on to their kids only to have their children watch with blank looks on their faces.

And Breaking Dawn Part 2 is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for me. It’s ends the series on a disgusting note, as Bella finally gets what she’s been whining for. Yes, little girls, be whiney and selfish and eventually you’ll be rewarded with exactly what you want.

Is there any conflict or point of interest about her being a vampire? Nope. It’s f***ing awesome seems to be its story drive for this one. She’s undead and she’s loving every minute of it. No remorse for the life she leaves behind. Not even for Moustache Dad. They just play the excuse game and that’s that.

What little plot the series has involves the baby, the one with a name too silly to bother typing out. She matures at a rapid rate and is a magic vampire or something. And I guess Jacob urinated on her so now she’s his territory or something. And the Volturi want her dead for some stupid reason that seems made up on the spot. So the Cullens go around the world recruiting SUPERHERO vampires and random Amazon women to help fight them off.

Yes, Twilight. The greatest romance of all time.

All of this ends with a really crap action sequence that is neither thrilling or absurdly funny. And the ending of it is a hilarious cheat that honestly if I were invested in this crap I’d find infuriating. And with this anti-climax the movie ends with fairly little closure. Bella and Edward live forever I guess, even though the Volturi are probably still interested in their heads. Jacob and his pedophilia love interest wait seven years until she’s grown up so he can start doing her doggie style. Then one day Jacob dies and who know what crap happens to her afterward. Moustache Dad stops by every once in a while and wonders why the hell his daughter constantly looks eighteen for the rest of his life, meanwhile not noticing that the rapidly growing baby they’ve “adopted” has disappeared entirely. The Cullens make each other over Buffalo Bill style until the end of time.

Meanwhile us men don’t have to sit through another Twilight movie just to get laid. I’m prepared to make that sacrifice and do it the old fashioned way: A bar and lots of shots.

The Trax: Before diving into the Rifftrax, I’d like to thank Mike, Kevin, Bill, and all of the staff at Legend films. Things like riffing Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter from beginning to end may seem like epic achievements, but those films at the very least have value and entertainment to them. They sat through ten hours of Twilight. Ten hours. Repeatedly. Just to make us all laugh.

Truly that’s their greatest accomplishment since sitting through ninety minutes of Hobgoblins. Bravo.

As for Breaking Dawn Part 2, at the beginning they seem to be treating it as same old, same old, which soon becomes clear as the wrong approach. As the movie goes on they start getting a feel for just how goofy it really is and they start riding with it. There are great highs with a few unfortunate dry patches, but when the Volturi are onscreen the boys put the pedal to the metal and give it everything they’ve got. They really love those wig-wearing creampuffs. I can’t help but hope for a spin-off so they can riff that.

This inane finale isn’t a gold medal, but it’s a solid offering. They did what I wanted to and made this movie bearable, and it would be selfish to ask for any more.

“Booboo Stewart! Who is constantly asking his agent ‘Damnit! Why aren’t I taken seriously?!’” I know, right? That was my reaction when I saw the name Booboo.
“Ah, so Part 2 will consist of nothing but the credits of Part 1, which oddly enough will make it more fast paced!” If that were true it would be a better movie.
“Oh? They love each other? Well that hadn’t been made clear to me over the course of the eight hours of film leading up to this which consist of nothing but these two IDIOTS SITTING IN A FIELD OF BUTTERCUPS MUMBLING ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER!” I think this should be the official synopsis of the film series.
“And SMACK right into a tree…” Bella, Bella, Bella of the Jungle…
“Is that the Happening or did the deer just let loose a huge fart?” Ah, the style of Twilight is always “How absurd can we make this look?”
“If you ever had a baby, I’d be ALL over that…I mean…” POOM!
“’Moronic wolfie claim?’ So now the movie’s mocking its own storyline?” It might as well be. Just wait to see how it ends.
“A solid decade of vampire boning. THANKS TWILIGHT!” Don’t give them ideas. That might just be the next book.
“You live in Team Jacob World!” Best riff ever.
“WHOA YOU GOT A PENIS BONE!” No wait, changed my mind.
Kevin goes for a piano solo again, and it’s just as classic as the first time.
“No…terrible role…career…fading…” Ah, no wonder they love the Volturi. The riff potential is just amazing.
“Remember, if they laugh it’s only because of the name we cursed you with.” Imagine the hell all the kids named Bella, Edward, and Jacob are going to go through growing up because their mommy couldn’t keep her fandom under control.
“Hi! We are vampires who choose to live in a bright, sunny country!” It’s funny ‘cause it’s true.
“I want to suck a Funion’s blood…” Precision aim with this riff. Brilliant.
“Power pout, don’t fail me now.” If Kristen Stewart were an X-Man…
“Who’s going to fall asleep first?!” ME!
“I fight to be bland and have a super bland family.” Mission accomplished.
“Envy our beautiful and shiny hair!” Get ready, twenty minutes of Volturi riffs!
“So she will live 50% of forever?” No s***. How the hell does “half mortal, half immortal” work?
“Still they’re slower to execute than Texas.” Note to self: Never visit Texas.
“Ah, she has the power to make one feel like they just ate at Taco Bell.” No, that would involve even more pain.
“…for a hamburger on Tuesday.” I won’t lie. I laughed for a solid minute at this.
“Now they’ve done it. They’ve got an immortal, middle-aged homeowner angry.” And the most pathetic action scene in history begins…
“Who can think at their target the hardest…” Ah yes, even vampire superpowers consist of staring blankly at each other.
“Must get to Alaska! Age consent only sixteen!” Run Jacob! Run!
“That’s the hardest she’s ever stared at something without lying on her back in a field of flowers.” LOL. She stares at people.
“Wait? You’re f***ing kidding me?!” I warned you guys. The amount of bulls*** in this movie is higher than a manure factory.
And just when you though they never were going to “Line?,” they go for the most epic “Line?” montage of all time.
“We will see you back at rifftrax.com for 50 Shades of Grey…” And our final memory of this franchise that lasted forever is Mike and Kevin screaming. How appropriate.