The Crawling Hand (A Rant)

[notundercovercop32]

Warning: If you don't like angry pointless rants I recommend you back scroll.

So, I just finished watching The Crawling Hand. And I've come to a number of realizations about the film.

First of all, no one seems to know how to do there job. A murder is committed in the house, and the sheriff doesn't even bother to take the only witness down to the station for questioning, then he lets him stay in the house where the murder was committed with virtually no supervision. But I am relieved to learn that they let the body of the old lady go on display in a coffin store. Aren't the police supposed to Autopsy the body or something? Then our "Space workers" (This is a direct quote from the film, they don't work for N.A.S.A.) seem to have installed an easily accessible button that destroys the entire billion-dollar spaceship. Then they have the gall to go to the murder house with some sort of detection device, which is never elaborated on and can't seem to comprehend that it can register things that aren't human bodies. I do give them credit for miraculously curing young Paul days after he is affected with this previously unknown and undiscovered disease. Then the stupid ambulance drivers decide to take a break and raid the dead ladies fridge for beer. Then, after being implicitly told not to open the box with the crawling hand, after discussing how secretive the contents of the box are, what do they do? They open the damn box. The only guy who knew how to do his job was the mean old man who ran the malt shop. Speaking of the mean guy, after our hero is seen strangling the malt shop owner he goes crying to his girlfriend to tell her that he just hurt the only man who could understand him. So the mean, old, crusty malt shop owner is the only one who understands our hero?
DAHHHHHH.
With all of these factors and much consideration, I've decided that this is the worst movie ever featured on MST3K. Yes worse than Manos, Yes worse than Red Zone Cuba, Yes worse than Monster A-go go. I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it the way it hurt me.
I'm sorry for going off the handle like that but someone had to say it.

[fathermushroom]

There, there, NUCC32, just have some ginger ale and if that stays down you can try some saltines later on.

I know it hurts now, but you'll eventually learn to love again once the memory fades a little.

[Tor Johnson]

But on the + side, it is one of the best season one episodes. Very funny.

[pablo]

If I may ask a question....during the opening credits, one of them asks "is Artie Shaw in this?" and someone answers "just off camera". what does that mean?
I liked Joel's "helvetica constellation" quip during these opening credits.
What really drags this whole episode down for me is that's it's from season 1 and we're subjected to the cardboard voice of Servo #1.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste for the guy but it sure hasn't happened yet!
I DO have to admit the biggest laugh of the film for me DID occur via a Servo #1 quip: when a giant close up of the swedish girlfriends face appears and he says "hey, I'm Tom Servo!" and then she lets out a bloodcurtling scream because she's seen THE HAND. but it's as if she's screaming because she's seen tom servo.
But that whole opening scene with the 'tell them I'm smoking' routine AD NAUSEUM is MST riffing at its WORSE.

[notundercovercop32]

Jan 31, 2010 9:47:25 GMT -5 fathermushroom said:

There, there, NUCC32, just have some ginger ale and if that stays down you can try some saltines later on.

I know it hurts now, but you'll eventually learn to love again once the memory fades a little.

It doesn't make the hurt go away.

I think the reason I'm so upset is because, with all these insane flaws present Joel and the Bots don't even attempt to comment on how ?ludacris? the film is. It's such an early episode that all they really do is fixate on the same 4 jokes. I still thinks it's the worse movie they ever did.

[afriendlychicken]

Jan 31, 2010 16:44:04 GMT -5 pablo said:

If I may ask a question....during the opening credits, one of them asks "is Artie Shaw in this?" and someone answers "just off camera". what does that mean?

Artie Shaw was a clarinetist and big band leader. It's a comment towards the clarinet playing over the opening credits.

You're right, this is the worst movie ever. Until your next episode.

[pablo]

what a dope I am! wasn't even listening to the music. thanks for informing. and yes I knew Artie played clarinet. don't know how that flew over my head

[brandonakaxerxes]

"Nope, there's not a trace, not a solitary trace."
"Must be a talent meter."

[mrsphyllistorgo]

"They used to call her One Take Sally--now look."

Definitely a better one from the first season. You can see the structure of how the show would gell in the future, despite any shakiness or repetition. One of the more precient lines:

"You see, that's what I'm talking about. You can tell it's a low budget movie because they can't wreck the cars!"

[inlovewithcrow]

I know, I know. It'll be okay. There, there.

What drives me nuts about the movie (which I accept, as in "oh, this is a silly teen horror flick and nothing is going to make sense, so don't expect it to") is the awful overacting, that whole James-Dean/method/hit the table business which makes Alan Hale look like an Academy Award contender in comparison to his yelling, table-hitting costars.