Post by Bart Fargo on Feb 19, 2004 13:29:04 GMT -5
(Scene: An infomercial stage. Mr. B Natural is there, dressed as s/he is usually. There is the requisite applauding audience typically seen in infomercials.)
Mr. B Natural: Hi boys and girls of all ages! Say, are you depressed? Life getting you down? Well, I've got the thing for you! There's a little bit of me in all of you! (S/he points to one side.) In you, (s/he points to the middle) in you, (s/he points to the other side.) in you, (She points all around the room) in all of you! That's right, It's me, Mr. B Natural, the spirit of music everywhere! Why, if you just let the spirit of music fill you, everything will be just fine! However, don't take my word for it, let me show you one of my biggest successes. He's a strapping young lad named Buzz Turner. Let's give it up for Buzz!
(Enter Buzz Turner; He is now dressed like Mr. B Natural, as is everyone else in the story. Applause.)
Mr. B Natural: Would you believe that when I first met Buzz, he was the class nerd? Now just look at him!
Buzz: Yea baby, you know I'm the best.
Mr. B Natural: So how did Buzz get to be so cool? Why, he just got in touch with his own inner Mr. B Natural.
Buzz: The girls can't keep their Manos off of me now.
Mr. B Natural: Now, I know what you're thinking. What does it take to get in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural? Well, all you need to do is pick up an instrument and learn how to play! Presto!
(Suddenly a trumpet appears in Mr. B Natural's Manos.)
Buzz: Say Mr. B, how about I blow a few notes here?
Mr. B Natural: Why sure, Buzz! Go right ahead!
(Buzz takes the trumpet and plays on it. He does moderately well on it. He then stops)
Mr. B Natural: See what it's like to get in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural? Buzz here is a happy king!
(Buzz gives Mr. B Natural a goose as he walks off.)
Buzz: See you around, babe.
Mr. B Natural: Oh! (Smirks) That Buzz Turner...
(Next we see the Master from Monos: The Hand of Fate on the TV screen. He is holding a clarinet in his Manos.)
Master: I am the master! I am in charge of the cult of Manos! Manos is all-powerful! Manos is all evil! (Stops for a bit, and then gets obscenely cheerful) Oh, sorry there. I used to lure people into a trap, but that was before I got in touch with my inner Mr. B Natural. The wives and I are forming a band and touring together. Just listen to our song.
(The Master plays his theme that sounds like someone strangling a clarinet player on the clarinet.)
Master (Stops playing): After all, a clarinet is not just a clarinet; it's a happy smile! Manos would be pleased if you saw us on tour or visited our website at www.masterandhiswives.com
( Go back to Mr. B Natural.)
Mr. B Natural: Now, I suppose you're wondering just how you can get in on this. Well, it's simple! My instruction book comes with a lot of information on how you too can touch the spirit of music within you all, and get in touch with your Mr. B Natural too! It's only one low price of $19.95! However, don't just take it from me – listen to some of our other satisfied customers!
(Next the screen shows Valeria from Robot Holocaust. She is sitting at a piano.)
Valeria: Bewhar ze powur of Mr. B Naturul. Ze spirit of music iz strong. I got in tuch with mah innur Mr. B Naturul and I vas abul to be moor powerful zan ze dart vun.
(She starts playing the piano, sounding pretty good at it. Go back to Mr. B Natural.)
Mr. B Natural: I'm sure I've sold you on this by now, so just call our wonderful, toll-free number to get your instruction manual on how to get in touch with your own inner Mr. B Natural today!
(The screen shows the number 866-555-music.)
Mr. B Natural: The number is 866-555-music. That's 866-555-music! Let's here some more satisfied customers!
(The screen shows Coily the spring sprite from A Case of Spring Fever. He has a jaws harp in his hands.)
Coily: You know, I used to terrorize people by taking away springs from their lives, but that was before I got in touch with my inner Mr. B Natural. Now just listen to me!
(Coily starts playing the jaws harp. Next we see Tom Nelson (Arch Hall, Jr. from Eegah! He is holding his guitar.)
Tom: Wowzie-wow-wow-wow Mr. B! You've done a miracle with my ability to play guitar and sing! I used to be a lost musician that was going nowhere. But when the band and I got in touch with our inner Mr. B Naturals, we started packing them in! Just listen.
(Tom starts playing the guitar out of tune, and singing poorly.)
Tom: Oh Vicki...
(Go back to see Mr. B Natural there.)
Mr. B Natural (uneasy smile): Well, Tom's just starting out, so he's got a while to go there. (Now more obscenely cheerful) So what do you think boys and girls of all ages? Isn't the spirit of music wonderful!?
(Torgo suddenly staggers in. He is wearing a sousaphone and has a very difficult time keeping his balance. Mr. B is oblivious to him.)
Mr. B Natural: So gang, pick up those phones and call today! The number again is 866-555-music. Call right now!
Torgo: I wAnT a ReFuNd.
(Mr. B Natural turns around to see Torgo there.)
Mr. B Natural (Shocked): Why Torgo, why on earth would you want a refund?
Torgo: WeLl… YoU sAiD tHe SpIrIt Of MuSic WoUlD hElP mE sCoRe, YeS… bUt WoMeN sTiLl HaTe Me...
Mr. B Natural: Now none of that, none of that, you're just not trying hard enough, Torgo. You're not getting in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural! You've got to practice and become proficient at your instrument of choice before the women will swoon over you. (To the camera) So just pick up the phone and call right now! The number is 866-555-music!
Torgo: MuSic HaS fIvE lEtTeRs In It... It CaN't Be A vAliD pHoNe NuMbEr....
(Mr. B Makes a slashing gesture on her neck.)
--End--
Mr. B Natural: Hi boys and girls of all ages! Say, are you depressed? Life getting you down? Well, I've got the thing for you! There's a little bit of me in all of you! (S/he points to one side.) In you, (s/he points to the middle) in you, (s/he points to the other side.) in you, (She points all around the room) in all of you! That's right, It's me, Mr. B Natural, the spirit of music everywhere! Why, if you just let the spirit of music fill you, everything will be just fine! However, don't take my word for it, let me show you one of my biggest successes. He's a strapping young lad named Buzz Turner. Let's give it up for Buzz!
(Enter Buzz Turner; He is now dressed like Mr. B Natural, as is everyone else in the story. Applause.)
Mr. B Natural: Would you believe that when I first met Buzz, he was the class nerd? Now just look at him!
Buzz: Yea baby, you know I'm the best.
Mr. B Natural: So how did Buzz get to be so cool? Why, he just got in touch with his own inner Mr. B Natural.
Buzz: The girls can't keep their Manos off of me now.
Mr. B Natural: Now, I know what you're thinking. What does it take to get in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural? Well, all you need to do is pick up an instrument and learn how to play! Presto!
(Suddenly a trumpet appears in Mr. B Natural's Manos.)
Buzz: Say Mr. B, how about I blow a few notes here?
Mr. B Natural: Why sure, Buzz! Go right ahead!
(Buzz takes the trumpet and plays on it. He does moderately well on it. He then stops)
Mr. B Natural: See what it's like to get in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural? Buzz here is a happy king!
(Buzz gives Mr. B Natural a goose as he walks off.)
Buzz: See you around, babe.
Mr. B Natural: Oh! (Smirks) That Buzz Turner...
(Next we see the Master from Monos: The Hand of Fate on the TV screen. He is holding a clarinet in his Manos.)
Master: I am the master! I am in charge of the cult of Manos! Manos is all-powerful! Manos is all evil! (Stops for a bit, and then gets obscenely cheerful) Oh, sorry there. I used to lure people into a trap, but that was before I got in touch with my inner Mr. B Natural. The wives and I are forming a band and touring together. Just listen to our song.
(The Master plays his theme that sounds like someone strangling a clarinet player on the clarinet.)
Master (Stops playing): After all, a clarinet is not just a clarinet; it's a happy smile! Manos would be pleased if you saw us on tour or visited our website at www.masterandhiswives.com
( Go back to Mr. B Natural.)
Mr. B Natural: Now, I suppose you're wondering just how you can get in on this. Well, it's simple! My instruction book comes with a lot of information on how you too can touch the spirit of music within you all, and get in touch with your Mr. B Natural too! It's only one low price of $19.95! However, don't just take it from me – listen to some of our other satisfied customers!
(Next the screen shows Valeria from Robot Holocaust. She is sitting at a piano.)
Valeria: Bewhar ze powur of Mr. B Naturul. Ze spirit of music iz strong. I got in tuch with mah innur Mr. B Naturul and I vas abul to be moor powerful zan ze dart vun.
(She starts playing the piano, sounding pretty good at it. Go back to Mr. B Natural.)
Mr. B Natural: I'm sure I've sold you on this by now, so just call our wonderful, toll-free number to get your instruction manual on how to get in touch with your own inner Mr. B Natural today!
(The screen shows the number 866-555-music.)
Mr. B Natural: The number is 866-555-music. That's 866-555-music! Let's here some more satisfied customers!
(The screen shows Coily the spring sprite from A Case of Spring Fever. He has a jaws harp in his hands.)
Coily: You know, I used to terrorize people by taking away springs from their lives, but that was before I got in touch with my inner Mr. B Natural. Now just listen to me!
(Coily starts playing the jaws harp. Next we see Tom Nelson (Arch Hall, Jr. from Eegah! He is holding his guitar.)
Tom: Wowzie-wow-wow-wow Mr. B! You've done a miracle with my ability to play guitar and sing! I used to be a lost musician that was going nowhere. But when the band and I got in touch with our inner Mr. B Naturals, we started packing them in! Just listen.
(Tom starts playing the guitar out of tune, and singing poorly.)
Tom: Oh Vicki...
(Go back to see Mr. B Natural there.)
Mr. B Natural (uneasy smile): Well, Tom's just starting out, so he's got a while to go there. (Now more obscenely cheerful) So what do you think boys and girls of all ages? Isn't the spirit of music wonderful!?
(Torgo suddenly staggers in. He is wearing a sousaphone and has a very difficult time keeping his balance. Mr. B is oblivious to him.)
Mr. B Natural: So gang, pick up those phones and call today! The number again is 866-555-music. Call right now!
Torgo: I wAnT a ReFuNd.
(Mr. B Natural turns around to see Torgo there.)
Mr. B Natural (Shocked): Why Torgo, why on earth would you want a refund?
Torgo: WeLl… YoU sAiD tHe SpIrIt Of MuSic WoUlD hElP mE sCoRe, YeS… bUt WoMeN sTiLl HaTe Me...
Mr. B Natural: Now none of that, none of that, you're just not trying hard enough, Torgo. You're not getting in touch with your inner Mr. B Natural! You've got to practice and become proficient at your instrument of choice before the women will swoon over you. (To the camera) So just pick up the phone and call right now! The number is 866-555-music!
Torgo: MuSic HaS fIvE lEtTeRs In It... It CaN't Be A vAliD pHoNe NuMbEr....
(Mr. B Makes a slashing gesture on her neck.)
--End--
It brightened up a dull afternoon. Keep up the good work!
