Opening a Can: A Post-SOL Adventure!

[Torgo]

(Eddie is watching Maury on TV with Tom and Crow, while Joel is still trying to teach Logan some ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION tricks)

Joel: OK, let's try that wall flip again.

(Logan faces the wall and runs toward it in ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! She starts running up it and successfully does a flip, except she lands right on Joel, knocking him down)

Logan: How'd I do?

Joel: (a little out of it) Better...

Eddie: If you two are done screwing around over there, one of you get me a beer!

(Mike is standing off to the side)

Mike: (seemingly talking to himself) Hey Al. (long pause) OK, why haven't I leaped yet?

(the phone rings)

Eddie: Hey! Idiot! Answer that!

(Mike sighs and answers the phone)

Mike: Hello?

Oricle: (over the phone) Hey Sam! Did you find out why you're here yet?

Mike: We think so.

Oricle: Good. Before you go, could you do one thing for me.

Mike: Sure.

Oricle: Good, tell them the reason they're in Texas is about to walk through the door.

(Just then the door is knocked down by FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully)

Mulder: Nobody move!

Scully: Freeze! FBI!

(cue X-Files theme)

Best Brains presents

A Mr. Peaches production

A Torgo Fan Fiction

Opening a Can: A Post-SOL Adventure

Staring:

Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson

Bill Corbett as Crow T. Robot

Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo

Zoe McLellan as Logan St. Claire

David Duchovny as Fox Mulder

Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully

Mary Jo Pehl as the Oricle

Special Guest Appearance by Michael J. Nelson as Eddie Nelson

And Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson

Written and Directed by Torgo

Mike: (hanging up the phone) Wow. That was weird. I kinda felt like Scott Bakula for a minute. Wait...how'd I end up in my brother's house?

Eddie: (points to Mike) You! Shut the hell up! Do any of you know these clowns?

Mike: No.

Eddie: I told you to shut up!

Mulder: Clowns? Sir, we're the FBI. We've been tracking the movements of these alien beings ever since their UFO crashed in 1999. And sure enough they just happen to make their way to Texas. Conspiracy capital of the world!

Mike: Aliens?! Um. Mr. FBI person, I can assure you we're not aliens.

Scully: See, Mulder, I told you they would have a really good explaination.

Mike: Yeah. I was shot up into space by a mad scientist and forced to watch bad movies.

Scully: (long pause) OK, now the alien story sounds a lot more credible. Let's cuff 'em and take them down to headquarters.

(Scully cuffs the two robots and Logan)

Logan: (being pressed against the wall and cuffed) Woah! If you want me to swing this way, all you gotta do is ask! I'm not into this dominatrix sh*t.

(meanwhile Mulder is cuffing Joel, Mike, and Eddie)

Eddie: Hey! What the hell are you doing? I wasn't shot into space!

Mulder: But you were harboring these aliens. I'm still going to have to take you in.

Joel: Hey, weren't you replaced by that T-1000 guy?

Mulder: Shut up! Do you want me to plant weed on you?

[crowTrobot65]

Strange title, but great opening!

[yousonuva]

Yeah, this is funny now that I kinda know the other characters (don't know nothin about Sliders, sorry). I'll follow this one.

One thing in your credits. You left out that Oricle guy but I guess he just won't be appearing later.

[Torgo]

yousonuva said:

One thing in your credits. You left out that Oricle guy but I guess he just won't be appearing later.

LOL! Mary Jo probably wouldn't like being reffered to as a "guy" like that.

I rally didn't have much planned for the Oricle in this story. But if you all demand an Oricle credit, I'll give you one. I probably just forgot to write her up.

[Torgo]

(hours later, our five heroes were in the interigation room)

Crow: What happened to Edward?

Scully: Long and deep cavity searches.

(everyone in the room shudders)

Mulder: Now, we don't want to do the same to you. So tell us what we want to know. Why did you land here?

Mike: Well, our ship was falling apart. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Mulder: Aha! So you admit that you are extra terestrials from outer space!

Mike: I never said that.

Mulder: Then what were you doing on that ship in the first place?

Mike: I told you. We were being forced to watch bad movies against our will.

Scully: So were we down here. Thank you very much, Michael Bay.

Tom: ZING!

Mulder: Then it's just coincidence that less than a week ago you were seen with four people who have been missing for six years?

Mike: Well, we uh...

Mulder: You know what, I think those were all people that you've abducted over the years. You probably gave them anal probs and everything.

Tom: Well, Quinn definatly had something up his ass, but I don't know about the rest.

Mulder: And what about that alien invasion that happened just after that sighting? Chalk that under coincidence too?

Logan: If you'd just listen to us, we could explain. You see those weren't aliens, they were a apelike race of humans from another dimension called Kromaggs. We just happened to stop the invasion. Maybe instead of interigating us, you should be thanking us, you nutjob.

Mulder: HA! Can you believe that, Scully? They think I'm crazy.

(Scully just stands there in awkward silence)

Mulder: Well, I'm not crazy enough to believe that story, sister! Or should I say Quinn Mallory!

Logan: My name is Logan St. Claire, dumbass.

Mulder: Oh, don't play dumb with me, Quinn. Getting a sex change isn't going to fool us. We matched the fingerprints up. You're one of the four people who've been missing since 1994.

Logan: Listen, I'm not Quinn Mallory! I'm a female double of his from another dimension. And for you're information, I've never had a sex change in my life. Everything you see here is all natural. Here, touch this.

(Logan grabs Scully's hand and presses it against her chest)

Scully: That's real alright, Mulder.

Logan: And if you two wanted to look deeper, I could show you that I'm all woman.

Mulder: OK, let's say that your story is true. Why did you all come to Texas?

Joel: We don't really know.

Mulder: AHA! Caught in a lie!

Joel: No not a lie, we just don't know.

Tom: You see there's this Oricle chick that tells us what to do. She told us to go to Texas and here we are.

Scully: Mulder, can I talk to you for a minute.

Mulder: Sure, Scully.

(they walk out of the interigation room)

Scully: This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Mulder: Yeah, their story doesn't make much sense.

Scully: No, I'm talking about what you're spewing out in there. Although they're story isn't far behind.

Mulder: Scully, I can't explain it, but somehow I have a feeling that these people are responsible for the Adam Sandler incident in LA two weeks ago.

Scully: What proof do you have, Mulder?

Mulder: Gut instinct. And the fact that we've done this hundreds of times before, I'm always right and you're always wrong.

Scully: Well, I'm due to be right sometime.

(a fellow FBI Agent walks up to them)

FBI Agent: Sir. We've translated the language on the artifact found at that space ship crash site in Roswell.

Mulder: About damn time. How long have you been at that?

FBI Agent: About 60 years.

Mulder: Show us.

(they leave with the FBI Agent)

[Torgo]

FBI Agent: (entering the lab with Mulder and Scully) At first glance it looked like some sort of old coffee can. Until we saw the writing. It's definatly not of any civilization we've ever known.

Mulder: Therefor it must be some sort of alien language.

Scully: Mulder, don't jump to conclusions. It could easily be some undiscovered language from our world.

FBI Agent: Actually, tests on the can shown that it may not have come from our world. It seems to have been made out of a material not on our periodic table.

(Mulder sticks his tongue out at Scully)

Scully: Oh, grow up. (she flips him off)

FBI Agent: Anyway, we've translated it...

Scully: How?

FBI Agent: Excuse me?

Scully: You said it yourself that this language may not be of this Earth. What do you have for comparison between the two languages?

FBI Agent: Lay off! This is a fan fiction.

Scully: Oh, sorry. Continue.

FBI Agent: Anyway, the inscription says: "We have banished this evil from our world. To all who come across this can, do not open or you shall feel the wrath of Hoop Arse."

Mulder: Wow. Good thing nobody opened it in the past 60 years.

FBI Agent: Yeah, we were afraid it would say something like that.

Mulder: So, who's for Krispy Kream?

Scully: Oh! Me! Yay!

(they all leave to get donuts.

An hour later)

Tom: Where the hell did they go?

Logan: Do you think maybe they forgot about us?

Crow: I hope the FBI isn't that incompetant.

Joel: I wish they would hurry up. I have to go the bathroom. HEY! LET US OUT!

(Joel starts banging on the door, which easily opens)

Crow: Wow. That was convenient.

Mike: Yes. Almost like a plot point of some sort.

Tom: Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Let's just get out of here!

(they all walk out of the interigation room and into the hallway)

Joel: Men's Room!

(he runs to the restroom)

Logan: So how do we get out of here?

Mike: You're asking me?

Logan: Who am I supposed to ask?

Mike: Well, my suggestion is to wander around and hope we get lucky.

Logan: Great. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's getting lucky.

Joel: (returning from the restroom) I'm ready. Let's go.

(they begin wandering around the hallway, trying to find an exit. By some stroke of luck they find their way to the lab)

Crow: Cool! Gadgets! I feel like I'm in that Get Smart show!

Joel: Is there an exit in here?

Tom: Who cares? There are a lot of cool things to play with in here!

Logan: Hey look! There's some coffee over there. I'm gonna make me a cup. Eddie's floor was hard as hell.

(Logan walks up to the can and pops open the lid. EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse travels out of the can and past a shocked Logan. He then travels past the others and out of the room)

Logan: Dude! Did you guys see that?

Mike: Yeah, what was it?

Mulder: (from the doorway) What the hell are you doing in here?!

(they all turn to see Mulder, Scully, and the other FBI Agent standing there)

FBI Agent: (pointing at Logan, who's still holding the can) The can! It's been opened!

Scully: Did anything come out of that?

Logan: Yeah. Something did.

Mulder: What did it look like?

Logan: Kinda see through but not. Like in that Predator flick.

Mulder: Scully, get more agents together. We gotta track this thing down.

Mike: What's going on?!

Mulder: You don't understand, do you?! You just opened a whole can of Hoop Arse on this place!

[Torgo]

(they all leave the lab while Mulder explains the situation)

Tom: Oh, good one Logan.

Logan: Do you want me to put a crack in that plastic head of yours? 'Cause I will!

(EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse rushes towards the group. Everyone ducks out of the way except the extra FBI Agent. Normal camera view. The FBI Agent is carried away by a see through ripple in the air)

FBI Agent: AHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!

(Hoop Arse carries the FBI Agent around a corner. The others follow them, only to discover the FBI Agent standing there all by himself)

Scully: Hey! You OK?

(the FBI Agent's face twitches as a response. He then begins to vomit blood all over the floor)

Logan: Ewwwwwwww...

(the FBI Agent then stares forward again. Moments later the see through outline of Hoop Arse bursts out of him like a ghost and runs off, for he has fed his hunger. The FBI Agent flops down onto the ground. Clearly dead)

Mike: Well that was kinda cool.

Joel: So, what do we do now.

(later that night)

Mulder: I'd like you all to meet the agents that are going to help us. This is Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, and Stevette.

(they all wave hi to Mike, Joel, Logan, Crow, and Tom. Each of these agents was wearing a red shirt)

Scully: Normally we would have locked you five back up, but this is far from normal.

Mulder: We've all just seen what Hoop Arse can do. Now we have to find a way to stop him.

Mike: You know, normally for us, in cases like this we gear up in leather and trench coats. But we left our bags back at Eddie's.

Scully: Oh, we can help you with that.

(cue some gearing up shots ala Batman Forever. We then get a sweet shot of Mike and Joel standing side by side. Now joined by Logan, who has got an outfit of her own)

Joel: Woah! You guys just had this stuff laying around.

Mulder: No. We confiscated yours from some black guy who said he was waging a war on vampires.

Logan: And mine?

Scully: That one came from some woman who said that she was waging a war on warewolves.

Mike: Where did mine come from?

Mulder: Some stoner idiot who thought the world wasn't real and we were at war with a bunch of robots. Of all the stupid...

Scully: It's not any crazier than the crap you spew out every day.

Mulder: Yeah, well............................your mother!

Scully: What is that supposed to mean?

Mulder: Oh, you know what it means.

Scully: That's it! Your ass is mine conspiracy boy!

(Scully jumps on top of Mulder and starts decking him)

Crow: Woah!

Logan: Woooooooooooo! Go girl!

(Mike and Joel try to pull Scully off of Mulder)

Scully: Don't you ever talk about my mamma!

(Mike and Joel eventually get her off)

Mulder: You're lucky they stopped it. I was ready to go all Ray Park on your ass!

Scully: I'd like to see you try, squinty!

Mulder: Bitch!

Scully: Screwloose!

Mulder: Slut!

Scully: Star of Evolution!

Mike: Would you two cool it! I don't know if you remember, but there's some sort of alien ghost in this place!

Mulder: He's right. We've gotta find a way to contain it.

[crowTrobot65]

Great story so far! When's the rest coming?
Got a suggestion. Since you mention him in the previous story, think you can somehow write in Dr Erhardt? That'd be funny!
By the way, I know I'll probably sound ignorant for this, but what is EVIL DEAD VISION?

[Torgo]

crowTrobot65 said:

Great story so far! When's the rest coming?
Got a suggestion. Since you mention him in the previous story, think you can somehow write in Dr Erhardt? That'd be funny!
By the way, I know I'll probably sound ignorant for this, but what is EVIL DEAD VISION?

I've been busy lately, considering that today's my birthday (and I had to babysit my late cousin's son). I'll try and get back on this as soon as I can.

As for the Evil Dead Vision, Evil Dead is director Sam Raimi's claim to fame (or at least before he got the job for Spider-Man and it's sequel). It was a really low budget horror film staring legendary B-Actor Bruce Campbell as Ash, just a regular guy hanging out with four friends in a cabin. They discover a book that wakes up zombie like creatures as they attack these 5 people. The movie is delightfully creepy (especially considering it's budget) and was followed by two even better sequels (which took the horror/comedy route) called Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness. The term that I cooked up called "EVIL DEAD VISION" refers to the scenes in which an unknown force is wondering around the woods. These scenes were shot from it's point of view with a creepy "roaring" sound in the background.

Hope that clears things up. If not, rent any of the Evil Dead movies, and then you may see what I'm saying.

[Torgo]

Steve #3: Well maybe if we...

Mulder: Shut up, worthless extra. We don't pay you to talk.

Scully: I have an idea. Remember those guys in jumpsuits we busted not to long ago?

Mulder: Oh, yeah. Those guys who were trying to catch ghosts? Ha. Like ghosts really exist.

Scully: And aliens do?

Mulder: After everything you've seen Scully, you should know better than to doubt me now. Besides we got four confirmed aliens and one suspect of being one right in this room.

Joel: Wait! Confirmed?

Crow: You know, for the record, me and Servo aren't aliens, we're robots.

Tom: Yeah.

Mulder: Bah. Robots don't exist.

Scully: (rolls her eyes) Anyway, I'm thinking that those nuclear guns we took from them might be usefull in catching this thing.

Mulder: What makes you so sure that they work?

Scully: Maybe the fact that when you broke that weird box thing, that slime monster came out and ran right through you.

Mulder: And?

Scully: Who's the skeptic now?

Mulder: I'm just thinking like you, Scully. That can be explained.

Scully: OK, smartass. Explain.

Mulder: It was an alien.

Scully: UGH! (to the others) Do you see what I have to work with here?!

Mulder: But you do have a point. I was wondering how they got it in there in the first place. Mayber there's something to it.

Logan: Where do you keep those things?

Mulder: Storage.

Mike: Damn. The FBI's getting cheaper.

Mulder: Damn cutbacks, I tells ya.

Joel: Well, let's find these things.

(they all walk out of the room when the lights suddenly go off. Both Mulder and Scully exchange worried glances)

Scully: Hoop Arse must have shut off the power.

Mulder: That must mean that the electronic lock on the door is out. Which means...

Scully: ...that creature could get out at any moment.

Mike: What? What's going on?

Mulder: Back in 1982, there a spaceship landed. There was one being left behind when it left. With the help of a foolish little boy that it duped he managed to contact his race and they picked him up. A year later, with the info that they got from the little boy, they invaded. First breaking into the boy's house and slaughtering him and his family. Luckily, the government fought them off and covered it up before any serious damage was done. And we got the alien that led the invasion. It is very dangerous.

Mike: I'm starting to not like this place. Why don't you guys have a generator?

Mulder: Cutbacks.

Mike: Oh.

(they walk down the hallway heading to the storage room, but suddenly stop when a short alien being walks into the hallway in front of them)

ET: Home?

Steve #2: Dear god he'll kill us all!

(Steve #2 picks up a doorstop off the ground and flings it at ET, hiting him right between the eyes)

ET: ET pissed off!

(the group runs in the opposite direction as ET follows them, with a glowing finger pointed sraight at them. Steve #2 trips accidentally and falls to the ground)

Steve #2: WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!

(Steve #2 turns around as an orange glow creeps closer to him)

ET: Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch...

(we cut to the rest of the group, still running as Steve #2's screams echo in the hallway)

[Torgo]

Crow: Are we there yet?

Mulder: No.

Crow: Are we there yet?

Mulder: No.

Crow: Are we there yet?

Mulder: No.

Crow: Are we there yet?

Mulder: No.

Crow: Are we there yet?

Mulder: SHUT UP!

Tom: I'm thirsty!

Scully: The storage room should be around here somewhere.

Mike: I thought it was in the other direction.

Scully: We like to keep things confusing around here, especially if someone we arrested gets away. So we have a bunch of hallways that go in circles.

Mike: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Scully: Just go with it.

Mulder: (looking up for no reason other than to save the day out of dumb luck) SCATTER!

(Everyone looks to the ceiling and sees Hoop Arse droping to the floor. Everyone spreads out into the hallway to avoid getting hit by him. Hoop Arse stands up and stares at the people who scrambled in front of him, and then looks behind him, at who was left. Logan and Steve #3)

Logan: Uh oh. Ancient ghost-beast in front of us, blood thirsty alien behind. We're trapped!

Joel: Logan! Focus! Free your mind!

Logan: This is no time for some Zen bullsh*t, Joel!

Joel: I give up. I really do.

(EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse charges at Logan and Steve #3. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Logan takes a deep breath and charges too. She begins walking on the wall effortlessly. She runs right past Hoop Arse, does a flip and lands back on her feet and runs towards the rest of the group)

Steve #3: Oh sh..........

(Hoop Arse collides with Steve #3 and carries him away screaming)

Scully: Woah. That was way cool.

Joel: Thanks. We get that all the time. You should see us when we fly.

Mulder: See, Scully. I told you they were aliens.

Scully: Mulder, just because they can defy gravity and walk on walls doesn't mean anything.

Mike: Hey! I resent that! I've been feeling like a superhero lately.

Scully: We still have to get to the storage room.

(they wander further down the hall until they get to the room)

Scully: We're here! Were's the key, Mulder?

Mulder: ...

Scully: Mulder?

Mulder: D'oh!

Joel: Guys...

(he points down the hallway towards the menacing outline of Hoop Arse that was approaching them. Suddenly an evil glow shines from behind them. They all turn around to see ET standing there. ET stares at Hoop Arse, Hoop Arse stares right back. ET then pops his neck and gets into a kung fu position)

Logan: Hoop Arse vs. ET! Place your bets!

[Torgo]

ET: Let's rock, bitch.

(Hoop Arse takes a swing at ET, but ET leaps over him like Yoda in Attack of the Clones. ET lands behind him and shoves his glowing finger sraight into Hoop Arse's back. Hoop Arse howls in pain. ET pulls his finger out and stares at Hoop Arse, who is now glowing orange)

Logan: Neat!

Tom: He's like a big Christmas tree light.

(Hoop Arse looks at his now colored body and jerks his head back over to ET. Hoop Arse grabs ET by the wrist and flings him over towards the group)

Mike: DUCK!

(They all scatter in opposite directions except Stevette who stands there screaming. ET flies right into her and the door behind her and they break down the door together. ET gets back up and heads back over too Hoop Arse, but poor Stevette is crushed to death)

Mulder: Well, that's one way to open a locked door.

Scully: Lets get in there.

(they all manage to get in the room, as the two beasts battle outside)

Mike: OK, so where are these gun things.

Mulder: In one of these boxes.

Scully: I think it was down here.

(Scully kneels down and scoots out a box)

Mulder: Um...Scully? I don't think that's it.

Scully: I'm sure I put it in one of these... (she opens the box) What the hell? Doggett?

(Sure enough, Agent Doggett was lying inside the box all tied up with duct tape over his mouth. Scully tears off the tape and unties him)

Doggett: Don't trust him, Scully! He's a madman!

Mulder: I can explain everything...

Doggett: Explain it to Skinner! Which is were I'm going right now!

Scully: But there are two...

Mulder: Shut up, Scully...

(Doggett runs out of the room. Seconds later we hear his girlish scream as a pool of blood flows on the floor)

Mulder: Oh well. Let's find those guns.

(Scully pulls out another box, and sure enough, the Ghostbusters Proton Packs are lying inside)

Logan: Bitchin!

Mulder: (pulls one out) You take this one. (puts it on Mike's back)

Mike: I should warn you, I'm not good with guns...I get trigger happy...

Joel: It's true. Don't give him that.

Mulder: Nonsense...

(Mulder gives Mike the gun portion. Mike's head shrinks into his torso...)

Joel: (grabs Logan's sholder) You might wanna duck.

(ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Joel pulls Logan down to the ground as Mike pulls the trigger, sending a nuclear laser beam right towards where they were standing. Unfortunatly it flies right into Steve #4 who immediatly disintegrates. Mulder immediatly switches off the pack and takes the gun from Mike)

Mulder: Maybe I should take it.

Crow: How much do you pay those Steve guys anyway?

Mulder: Too much.

(They all gear up. Mulder, Scully, Joel, and Logan are the lucky four to wear the packs. They all head out toward the battle brewing outside. Hoop Arse has grabed ET by both wrists. ET hops up, kicks Hoop Arse in the stomach sending him backwards, and ET lands on his feet after an ultra cool flip. EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse runs towards ET and carries him off)

ET: (being dragged around the corner) ET will rule you!

(but his scream is heard from behind the corner)

[Torgo]

Tom: So what do we do now?

Mulder: We gotta get back to the lab and grab that can so we can trap it back inside.

Scully: Why didn't you grab it before we left?

Mulder: ...

Scully: Well?

Mulder: D'oh!

Scully: You just never think ahead, do you?

(they make their way through the halls cautiously, passing the corpses of Doggett and ET. The head into the hallway which is eerily gowing orange)

Mulder: Oh, sh*t.

(EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse drops from the ceiling, grabs Steve #1, and runs off)

Mulder: Well, that's the last of the useless extras. It's going to come after us next.

(they run towards the lab as fast as they can, and eventually make it. Scully runs in and checks the shelves)

Scully: F***.

Mike: F***? F*** means sh*t. Sh*t means crap. Crap means damn. Damn means uh oh. AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR UH OH!

Scully: The can's not here.

Joel: Who was the last person with it?

Scully: Her. (points to Logan)

Joel: Logan, what did you do with the can?

Logan: Oh, that thing? I thought we might need it so I brought it with me. (pulls it out of her leather jacket) Tada!

Mulder: (obviously pissed) Why didn't you tell us earlier?

Logan: Well, I figured I'd get a lecture about how I'm not supposed to touch "government property." You know, I was peeing on the IRS building once...

Mike: No more information needed, Logan. (he takes the can from her) I'll just hold on to this.

(Crow and Tom walk up to Logan)

Crow: You really peed on the IRS building?

Logan: Yep.

Tom: You sure it was "on" and not "in?"

Logan: Of course.

Crow: In public?

Logan: The crowd was cheering.

Tom: How'd you do it? I mean, you're a woman after all.

Logan: I have my ways.

Tom: Logan, you're officially my hero.

Crow: Mine too.

(they all leave the lab, on the look out, guns ready. The wonder around the halls for a while until they come up to the corpse of Steve #1)

Mulder: I think he's close.

(The room starts glowing orange)

Crow: I know he's close.

(EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse charges at our heroes who all scatter and let him run right past them. Joel, lying face down on the floor, shoots off a laser beam that wraps itself around Hoop Arse. Hoop Arse doesn't stop though, he keeps on running, but he's dragging Joel by the laser beam behind him)

Joel: Woah!

Logan: Joel!

(they all run after them)

[Torgo]

(EVIL DEAD VISION! Hoop Arse charges towards the Exit door and bursts through it, dragging Joel outside with him)

Scully: They're outside!

Mulder: Cut off the power, Joel! He's not going to stop!

(Joel does as Mulder says and releases Hoop Arse from his laser beam, but Joel still doesn't stop. Now he's rolling forward and doesn't stop until he hits a brick wall)

Tom: Ouch.

(they all run toward Joel)

Logan: (helping him up) You OK?

Joel: I think I'm gonna throw up.

(Logan immidiatly lets him go and he colapses on the ground)

Mike: (helping Joel up again) Logan!

Logan: Well, I didn't want him to throw up on me!

Mulder: Damnit. Now this thing is loose in the city. It could take us days to find it.

Crow: I'll bet you ten bucks we find it in under five minutes.

Mulder: You're on!

(they wander around for about four and a half minutes before they see a big orange glow in an ally)

Mulder: Damn!

Crow: HA!

Tom: How'd you know, Crow?

Crow: Tom, ask yourself something. If you were writing an internet fan fiction and had the characters wander around the city for days without finding a damn thing, how boring would that be?

Tom: Good point.

Joel: So how are we gonna catch this thing. Last time we caught it with these laser things it took me for a ride that puts Disneyworld to shame.

Mulder: That was only one beam. If we use all four, it shouldn't be able to move. And then we throw the can under it and trap it in there.

Mike: Sounds like a plan.

(Mike centers the group as the walk up the ally in a horizontal line. Sure enough, Hoop Arse is hovering there waiting for them)

Mike: Got your stick?

Joel, Logan, Mulder, Scully: (pulling out their guns) HOLDIN IT!

Mike: Heat 'em up.

Joel, Logan, Mulder, Scully: (powering them up) SMOKIN'!

Mike: Make 'em hard.

Joel, Logan, Mulder, Scully: (fingers on trigers) READY!

Mike: Let's teach this glowing son of a bitch not to mess with Texas.

(Joel, Logan, Mulder, and Scully all fire their lasers, which wrap around Hoop Arse, who in turn howls toward the sky. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Mike takes his cue and tosses the can underneath Hoop Arse)

Mike: Lower him in!

(Joel, Logan, Mulder, and Scully do so and as Hoop Arses body gets further into the can, his body shrinks to fit inside)

Mike: On the count of three....one...two...THREE!

(ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Mike makes a dive for the can with the lid as Joel, Logan, Mulder, and Scully all turn off their lasers. Before Hoop Arse realizes he's free, Mike shoves the rest of him in with the lid and slams it closed)

Hoop Arse: (from inside the can) OW! MY HAND!

(Mike looks down and sees he's trapped Hoop Arse's hand in between the lid and the can)

Mike: (freeing the hand and shuting the lid) Sorry...

Hoop Arse: (pulling it inside) Ahhhhhhhhhh...

[Torgo]

Mulder: Well, now that that's taken care of, time to lock you people back up.

Crow: What? After we saved your asses from this thing?

Mulder: (looking at Logan) You were also the ones that released it.

(Logan looks down at her feet)

Scully: Look, Mulder, they're obviously not aliens. Why don't we just let them go?

Mulder: If they're not aliens, show me a real one and I'll let them go. Until then, I got no basis for comparison.

(suddenly a blue flash flows upon them as they all dissapear from the face of the earth. They reapear on a circular deck inside a metalic room with a bunch of computers and crap, in front of them was Trip, a guy in a blue jumpsuit and blonde hair)

Mulder: They've taken us aboard their spaceship! I told you Scully! You didn't believe me! Now because of you, we're gonna get anal probes!

Trip: Woah! Hold you're horses. Anal probes? I hardly even know you.

Scully: You're.................you're......................an alien?

Trip: Me? Naw. But we do have a few on board. If you'd like to meet them.

Mike: Where are we?

Trip: On board Starship Enterprise. You see we're from Earth's future. We seem to have been sucked into a wormhole and we arrived here in your time. Or at least that's what the captain told me.

Tom: And you beamed us up here for kicks?

Trip: No, not exactly. The captain told me to. I'm not sure why yet.

(just then the doors open and Archer and the vulcan T'Pol walk inside the room)

Archer: Greetings. I'm Captain Jonathan Archer of Starship Enterprise. This is Subcomander T'Pol.

T'Pol: (puting out her hand to Mulder so he can shake it) Greetings from Vulcan.

(Mulder just stares at T'Pol's pointed ears. He reaches out and grabs one of them to make sure it's real. T'Pol looks at Mulder oddly)

T'Pol: (grabing his wrist and lowering his hand gently) I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.

To Be Continued...

(cue the Enterprise theme, "Faith of the Heart")

Dana Scully...............Gillian Anderson
Hoop Arse..............................Himself
Jonathan Archer..............Scott Bakula
T'Pol............................Jolene Blalock
Crow T. Robot....................Bill Corbett
Fox Mulder.................David Duchovny
ET.........................................Himself
Joel Robinson.................Joel Hodgson
Logan St. Claire..............Zoe McLellan
Tom Servo......................Kevin Murphy
Eddie Nelson............Michael J. Nelson
Mike Nelson.............Micheal J. Nelson
John Doggett.................Robert Patrick
Oricle.............................Mary Jo Pehl
Steve #1.................................Himself
Steve #2.................................Himself
Steve #3.................................Himself
Steve #4.................................Himself
Stevette..................................Herself
Charles "Trip" Tucker...Connor Trinneer