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Post by Aivik on Sept 2, 2004 9:26:04 GMT -5
Some people have been posting their non-MST related short stories here, so I thought I'd try my luck with a chapter from one of my stories. This story is meant to be a full-length novel, and I'm just going to give you the first chapter. It's about six pages long, so I'll type it piece by piece. Feel free to give me feedback at any time, even if it interrupts the story.
This particular story has a fantasy/medievel setting, but with fictitious countries and races. There is no background given, this chapter is meant solely to catch the reader's attention and get them engulfed in the fantasy world. I'm really serious about writing, so your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Here's the first page.
EVIL SPIRITS
Chapter One: The Survivor
The stench of death lingered like a thick, rancid fog on Mourner's Island that night. The White Knights and their army of Aurians had come to annihilate every last member of the of the cursed race known as the Modos. Even though they believed their grim task to be noble, every heart in their company was nonetheless stricken with the sickening, overpowering aura of hollowness that comes after a massacre of such enormous scale. In the aftermath of this historic event, the three White Knights held a small council in the center of the island while their men cremated the bodies of the thousands that had been slain that night.
"Adam, did you find the spirits?"
"They were not in the shrine."
"What!?"
"There is no trace of them anywhere on the island, they've been hidden."
"Impossible. The Modos wouldn't have hidden them unless they knew...we were coming."
The three armored dictators exchanged nervous glances as they contemplated the possibility.
"If they had somehow known of our plan to attack, then there may be some of them who escaped to the mainland...Listen! We tell nobody about this until we find out what happened for sure, agreed?"
The Knights accepted the conditions unanimously, and a period of silence followed as the sagacious trio pondered the severity of the situation, each engulfed in his own thoughts and perspectives.
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Post by Aivik on Sept 2, 2004 10:13:04 GMT -5
Alright, here's the second page, you can start giving me feedback anytime now.
EVIL SPIRITS
Chapter One: The Survivor (Continued)
"Sir," they were interrupted abruptly by an Aurian soldier, "we're almost done scouring the island for survivors. We've cleared the North West harbor and are now searching the outskirts of the city."
"Good work," Mohm, one of the White Knights, responded, "have all the buildings in the city been cleaned out and torched?"
"Yes," the soldier replied, then hesitated, "actually, I saw one house just a few minutes ago that didn't appear to be on fire. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I suppose we could have missed that one."
"Seymour, check it out," Mohm directed one of his fellow Knights, who in turn signalled for the soldier to lead him.
The streets of the burning town were painted with carnage. The bodies of the Modos that littered the streets were perfect sculptures of pain and agony. Their positions told the tale of the savage struggle they had given in their last few moments of life, a vivid portrayal of hatred and defeat. Seymour was forced to look upon one disturbing image after another as he was led through the city, and his sturdy, dutiful countenance was replaced with a heavy sorrow. He still believed that the genocide of the Modos had been necessary, but his conscience was tested brutally at every turn; every street seemed to reveal a new horror. The bodies of women and children, evil and vicious as they were, seemed pitiful as they lay amongst the violence, their passion for life frozen on their faces, their moments of death captured in time by their corpses.
Presently Seymour and his escort arrived at a house that had thus far been untouched by the Aurians.
"Here it is," the soldier said.
"I'll take care of it," Seymour seized the torch that the soldier had been carrying and proceeded to the entrance of the residence, shattering the front door with a single kick and forcing his way through the splintered debris.
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Post by Aivik on Sept 2, 2004 11:34:51 GMT -5
FINE! I'll give you another page.
EVIL SPIRITS
Chapter One: The Survivor (Continued)
Inside, he tore open cabinets and closets searching for survivors who might be hiding, and mercilessly ransacked the interior of the building. The task was rather mundane to him, and he did it with confidence that the house was empty. As his investigation neared completion, he entered the last room in the house, a small bedroom, and, to his surprise, the room was indeed occupied by a Modos. There, on a bed, sat a small boy, who Seymour estimated to be about seven. The boy was dressed completely in black, clad in a skin-tight, long sleeved undershirt covered by a baggier, short sleeved shirt which was decorated with designs woven into the fabric. He wore long pants and shoes, and had a long black feather jutting out diagonally from behind his ear. His hair was short and of a rich and oily color, and his face was pale and white. The most noteable features about the boy, however, were his large sad eyes, whose effect was accentuated by the dark face paint that surrounded them. There were also black marks painted below his eyes, which seemed to Seymour, at that moment, to be elaborate, stationary teardrops staining the boy's face.
"Is everybody else...gone?" the boy addressed the White Knight in a soft, sad tone without looking over at him.
"Yes," Seymour responded quietly, a bit touched by the silent but apparent sorrow reflecting through the boy's eyes.
"And, you're here to kill me too?" the boy continued.
"I have to." was the Knight's reply.
"I-I don't want to die," the boy closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again tears could be seen crawling down his face.
"I'm sorry," Seymour said with a heavy voice, "I know it's hard for you to understand."
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Post by Aivik on Sept 2, 2004 20:19:53 GMT -5
Wow, it sure is hard to get feedback around here. MonsterX faces the same dilemma for his story, which is really well written, by the way. I have to admit he is far better than I am.
Anyway, if anyone is following this (which I doubt) I'll give you the next page.
EVIL SPIRITS
Chapter One: The Survivor (continued)
An awkward silence followed as Seymour struggled to muster up the courage to do his awful deed. He looked again at his sword, a massive, finely crafted Aurian blade with a crystal edge. It seemed like overkill to use such a large weapon against someone so small; with one stroke Seymour could have easily cut the boy in half.
"What is your name?" Seymour asked in an attempt to stall.
"Psyche," the boy answered. (pronounced "Sike")
"How old are you?"
"Nine."
"You're small for your age."
"I know."
"Aren't you going to resist?"
"No."
"Then sit still. I'll make it quick."
Seymour readied his sword, figuring upon decapitation, which seemed like the most humane way to dispatch the child. Psyche, as instructed, sat still on the bed, his only movement the heavy trembling that had been induced by the fear of being moments away from death. A steady stream of tears now ran down his cheeks, though no noise escaped his lips. Seymour lifted his sword and was about to strike when he was once again delayed by his vivid imagination. After years of combat he had become a well seasoned spectator of violence and gore, and he was able to picture what the scene would look like if he beheaded Psyche. It was an awful image, now stuck in his mind, one that would become a reality if he swung his sword. He just couldn't do it, he didn't want to see the blood of this child who seemed so docile and innocent. He knew it was a mistake he might come to regret one day, but at that point it didn't matter, it became psychologically impossible for him to kill the young Modos, and Seymour finally gave in.
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