Intro to "Manna From Hell" Feedback wanted

[Aivik]

The last time I tried to get your guys' opinion on a story I was writing, I got the all time lowest amount of views for any thread in the entire forum. But being the persistent fellow that I am I'm trying again.

This one as a lot of biblical lore woven in it, although this is just the intro to what I plan to be an entire novel. But I need to know if I'm any good or just like one of those losers on American Idol (I hate that show by the way). Anyway, here's the story.


Chapter Zero: Introduction to Mimic-Earth


In the real universe, everything is chaos. The cosmos are teeming with failed creations and evil spirits, the result of an eternity of experimentation by multiple creators. To shield us from the infinite hardship of survival in such a place, our creator placed our world in a false dimension, known as “The Void Realm.” Yet in order to purify Earth at the end of its time, He needed to maintain a connection between ours and the true dimension, a link through which the entire planet could travel. So to establish this, He created “Mimic-Earth” a planet which was a clone of the original in most respects, on which would be placed 7 dimensional windows for the purpose of pulling our world back into the real universe when the time was right.

Mimic-Earth was populated by intelligences deemed to be of a lesser status than the ones on the real world. Shaped in the same form as the humans of Earth, the form of the creator, these beings would serve to protect the dimensional windows and make sure that no evil was permitted to cross the threshold into the Void Realm. And while the people of Mimic-Earth were not supposed to be as complete or complex as the humans on Earth, a mortal would be hard pressed to see any difference in quality between the two groups of entities, even under the most labored scrutiny. Furthermore, the inhabitants of the false world had been promised the same salvation as every other creation, were they to live with moral conviction and complete their temporal duties.

The culture of Mimic-Earth’s civilizations followed the same evolutionary path as the culture on Earth; fads and customs remained the same in each respective region, and technology only bore subtle differences. While Mimic-Earth remained a respectable imitation of its source material, the pandemonium of the canvas on which it was painted induced a few notable distinctions, such as the public jading of supernatural phenomena, and less diverse theological practices, the latter due to a common knowledge of the creator’s history because of references in the records pertaining to the dimensional windows. But despite having an easier and more straightforward religious selection, which in turn led to more concrete spiritual guidance, many of its inhabitants regarded Mimic-Earth to be an id of its twin, a reflection of the gloomier, more hostile side of God’s creations. The reason for this is obvious, as the universe in which Mimic-Earth is set has been previously described, however the unrest of the false world’s people was never a serious issue, the whole of the civilization had become accustomed to catastrophe. And amazingly, after each triumph over adversity, the culture of Mimic-Earth would steer back in the direction of making the planet’s appellation as accurate as possible.

[Aivik]

Well, as I expected, no luck so far. I have no clue what's with you guys. Most people who post stories here get feedback, is there some kind of hex against me? Anyway I wrote another chapter, so I might as well post it.



Chapter One: Defiant Spirits


The Chicago Dimensional Window Facility was the second largest on Mimic-Earth. The splendor of the structure, when viewed from either the exterior or interior, was enough to take the breath of even the most indifferent spectator. The whole building appeared to be constructed of sapphire, possessing the same deep, radiant, ocean blue color, which acted as a monochrome throughout the entire installation and all its faculties. The walls of the facility were laced with engravings and carvings, which were of such a high quality and so dense in their population of the structure that they put gothic architecture to shame. The building was as ancient as the world it was on, but appeared to have sustained no wear and tear during its entire life span, even up to the year 2003, when our story takes place. This was partially due to the divine, ethereal manner in which it had been erected, as well as the excellent upkeep it had been privileged to receive by the tireless citizens of Mimic-Earth.

The inside of the Chicago Dimensional Window Facility contained one of the most vast indoor expanses in the universe. This was in the main room, where a network of rift gates, large doorways placed in the middle of the room, which had the capacity to generate portals to different dimensions, were scattered about the room. These were connected to each other by bulky cables which winded along the ground like slithering serpents, weaving back and forth through the facility toward their targets. On the far wall of the main room was a gigantic screen, a rival in size to any drive-in theater. On it was displayed an image of the true Earth, and with it the inhabitants of Mimic-Earth could keep tabs on their brethren in the Void Realm. Behind that screen was the dimensional window, which would be used to pull Earth back into the real universe at the end of time. The interior of the main room was not only expansive horizontally, but vertically as well. Above the ground level were mazes of narrow pathways and balconies, none of which were closed in, but were each walled off only by hand rails, and overlooked the main room on all sides. The web of overhead platforms was spun for as many as 12 stories, each accessible from the last via a ladder.

The technology which powered the dimensional window and the rift gates was, even at that time, largely enigmatic, and incompatible with any technology that humans had engineered independently. The records pertaining to the dimensional window did offer quite detailed instructions on how to maintain each function of the facility, but offered no insight as to how to duplicate or expand upon their technology. Having the same driving instincts as the humans on Earth, such expansion was a hotly researched topic among the people of Mimic-Earth, and had sparked countless debates and rivalries, as well as the spending of billions of dollars worldwide. Yet, even with all that interest, not a single shred of progress had been made in this regard.

It was a typical day at the previously described facility, and in fact remained a typical day even after the events that the author will now describe, which may seem fantastic and most unusual to any inhabitant of this world. Hundreds of uniformed attendants of various ranks and positions swarmed the ground floor of the main room like so many armies of ants, seemingly random in their wanderings as they each went about their separate errands. Suddenly a thin, film like layer of swirling, dynamically colored plasma appeared in the doorway of one of the rift gates. This meant that a portal to another dimension had been activated, and since this wasn’t the result of any conscious effort on the part of the dimension window staff, it most certainly meant trouble.

Upon the activation of the rift gate, an alarm was triggered, which emitted a mournful howl that overpowered the incessant droll of conversation, the only other sound audible in the facility. Upon hearing the cry of the alarm, the whole facility came to life, and each attendant rushed into the position required of them in such an emergency. Before they were completely ready, however, a most curious life form thrashed through the rift gate at a terrifying velocity.

“RIFT WRAITH, LEVEL 4!!” cried a horrified onlooker.

[Aivik]

Indeed, the entities known as “Rift Wraiths” were some of the most lethal creatures known to man, equipped with frightful cunning and a most relentless thirst for blood. Nothing was known about the origin of these creatures, nor what motivated them to launch themselves through open portals and dispose of as much human life as possible. Also unknown was the reason why Rift Wraiths couldn’t be harmed by modern weaponry such as firearms and explosives. Indeed, each security team at the dimensional window facilities had to be armed with swords in order to neutralize the Rift Wraith threat effectively.

The Rift Wraith in question was, as the poor, frightened attendant had exclaimed, a level 4 Rift Wraith, on a known scale of 5. It stood at six foot 10, with four lanky arms, each peaked with a set of dagger-like claws, fully capable of shredding a man’s flesh into confetti. A ragged layer of skin was scantily stretched over the figure of the creature, rips and tears revealing pinkish lumps of muscle that seemed to bubble out as if they wanted more space to breathe. The pale, bluish color of the skin itself gave the fearsome apparition the appearance of a frozen cadaver. The Rift Wraith was adorned in a ratty, black robe, from which torn strips floated backward as if the entity was wearing a cape that had been crudely ripped off of its back.

The ground security team had little time to study the Rift Wraith’s features, however, as it taxed their reflexes with its every move. Many ill-timed sword swings were made in vain by the somewhat clumsy and unprepared security force, which even with a vast advantage in numbers was no match for this spawn of hate and contempt, which seemed to only grow hungrier as it cut down security officer after security officer. Fortunately, the creature had its hands full fighting such a large number of adversaries at once, and, lacking the time to expend the maximum capacity of its attacks on any one victim, was unable to finish them off. Even so, time was running out, as literally dozens of men fell injured at the claws of this odious creature.

Meanwhile, an apathetic figure watched the action with arms folded from a balcony on the third floor. Though his face may have been somewhat forgettable, the expression with which he adorned it was not: a cold, empty stare that would cause certain discomfort to anyone who gazed at it. Suddenly the figure was approached by one of the window director’s errand-boys.

“Mr. Drake Coffin, sir,” the latter addressed the former, “Director Cary requests your services in disposing the facility of the Rift Wraith.”


“That’s not my job,” Drake responded casually, his eyes still fixed on the battle below him, “I was promoted from ground security to gate technician last week. I don’t deal with these kinds of disturbances anymore.”

“Director Cary insists, sir,” the errand-boy seemed to anticipate Drake’s refusal, as if he had been warned of its possibility, “he says that lives are at stake.”

The gate technician finally looked over at the errand-boy, giving him a defiant stare, but keeping his lips sealed. The errand-boy sheepishly offered him a sword, silent, yet still insisting upon his acceptance. Reluctantly Drake snatched the sword away from the director’s assistant, and haughtily walked over toward the ladder that led to the ground floor.

By this time the Rift Wraith had taken the entire ground security force off of their feet, much to the horror of the other attendants, who had formed an audience on the 12 floors above the ground. An uneasy clamor had broken out after the last security officer had been wounded, and now, stranded above their only escape route, the onlookers began to muse nervously about what their next move should be. The intruder, meanwhile, seemed to relish the moment. It paced back and forth, glancing about hungrily at all the struggling, moaning bodies which lay strewn all over the ground floor. The Rift Wraith, pleased with its work, appeared to be selecting which victim to finish off first. The whole event created a brutally gloomy tension in the hearts of the human spectators, who couldn’t tear their eyes away from the creature despite their terror.

After an instinctive glance over its shoulder, the evil dimension traveler suddenly realized that it would have to wait a little longer before it celebrated its victory over the dimensional window facility, for, lo and behold, there was still a sword wielding human standing on the ground floor. Nobody had seen where he had come from, but there he was, their last shred of hope, the very last twinkling star in a pitch-black night sky. And not a soul in the entire facility breathed as they watched Drake Coffin, for indeed it was him, with utmost scrutiny and with hopeful countenances.

The Rift Wraith seemed quite bitter and agitated that it would have to take on another human before it could savor dispatching those who it had already injured. It stared at the young man reproachfully for a few seconds, and then, without the slightest warning, lunged toward him at lightning speed. Drake stood still as a statue as the creature approached, neither flinching nor showing the slightest sign to indicate that he was unsure of himself. As the evil entity finally closed in, it lept into the air, on track to land right on top of Drake Coffin if it kept its current course. At a split second’s notice, just in time to avoid tragic consequences, Drake sidestepped the oncoming assailant and swung his sword six times at it as it passed. While Drake’s strikes seemed to connect with the creature, they didn’t appear to have any immediate affect on it. The Rift Wraith landed behind Drake, and the attendants, still elevated above the ground floor, moaned as it prepared to turn around and mount another attack. Suddenly, as the creature shifted its weight for the first time after its landing, it appeared to tear itself apart under its own weight. Its thick, ebony blood burst from its veins and all six of its limbs were detached. The Rift Wraith started to shriek, but was silenced in a second by the finishing blow, which Drake delivered through the evil entity’s abdomen. The entire building erupted in wild acclamation.

“Not my job,” Drake muttered under his breath as he dropped his sword next to an injured security officer.

[regalo]

I've only read a litle bit of what you've posted, but, it does sound good. The only criticism I have (so far) is that you're trying to convey too much information up front, rather than letting the audience find out what's going on little by little. Remember the Keanu Reeves character in The Matrix, he represented the audience (your readers) and allowed the audience to learn waht was going on through his eyes. So you see, instead of revealing right up front what your plot is, try to do it a bit at a time, making it all a mystery. Yours is a what if story with cool religious implications. What if our Earth is a Mimic-Earth? What would happen if someone found out the truth? Your ideas are way cool, all you need is a new structure, a new way of presenting them. I hope you find that way of doing things. Take care.