Post by vanhagar3000 on Mar 16, 2004 22:02:36 GMT -5
This will be the week that we appreciate the man, the myth, the legend, the egomaniacal asshole known as The Man they call Van Hagar. Looking at the facets of his life, his accomplishments, his favorite snack. But first we must go to the beginning.
Van Hagar was born Eldrich Von Ogalporthe on October 31, 1234 in Hot Dog, Holy Roman Empire (today Frankfurt, Germany). He was born into nobility so immediately was beat up at school. In a effort to deter his daily beatings, he changed his name to Van Hagar of course mixing the names of future band and singer, Van Morrison and Hagar the Horrible. Not many people knew of their one week existence together, especially at the time since that occurred in the future. So it was concluded that Van Hagar’s mother was a witch and she was burned at the steak.
Van Hagar was from that point on raised by his father, Johnny Von Ogalporthe former Football player for the University of Minnesota. He raised Van Hagar to be tough and made him watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made. Because of this Johnny was deemed a child abuser of the highest level and was burned at the steak. Van Hagar was then raised by a stereotypical black maid named Junita.
Van Hagar went through High School never taking any crap from anyone. Junita packed his lunch every day and it always seemed to be filled with pancakes. He went to Oxford in 1521 after finishing high school and studied the art of being an old prospector. Hagar finished second in his class behind Mike Pipper. He then went back to France where he met a new maid, Polly a typic hot babe maid that fulfills every mans fetish for chicks in maid costumes.
Since he was on a binge for that sort of thing he hired a cheerleader. Due to this he thought he would join a sport and chess seemed like the easy fat man sport but he forgot one vital thing, he was also an idiot. After the cheerleader left him, he decided to retire from the sport of chess and go back to his first love, eating weird foods for money at street corners. In 1498 he won the “second annual Sweetwater, Texas weird food eaters guy dudes they probably should have hired another guy to make up these titles but it turns out like this so live with it okay” tournament. Of course when presented the plaque Killer Kox broke it over his head. Which began the next leg of his career.
Tommorrow: His Feud with Killer Kox and Killer Khan
Van Hagar was born Eldrich Von Ogalporthe on October 31, 1234 in Hot Dog, Holy Roman Empire (today Frankfurt, Germany). He was born into nobility so immediately was beat up at school. In a effort to deter his daily beatings, he changed his name to Van Hagar of course mixing the names of future band and singer, Van Morrison and Hagar the Horrible. Not many people knew of their one week existence together, especially at the time since that occurred in the future. So it was concluded that Van Hagar’s mother was a witch and she was burned at the steak.
Van Hagar was from that point on raised by his father, Johnny Von Ogalporthe former Football player for the University of Minnesota. He raised Van Hagar to be tough and made him watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made. Because of this Johnny was deemed a child abuser of the highest level and was burned at the steak. Van Hagar was then raised by a stereotypical black maid named Junita.
Van Hagar went through High School never taking any crap from anyone. Junita packed his lunch every day and it always seemed to be filled with pancakes. He went to Oxford in 1521 after finishing high school and studied the art of being an old prospector. Hagar finished second in his class behind Mike Pipper. He then went back to France where he met a new maid, Polly a typic hot babe maid that fulfills every mans fetish for chicks in maid costumes.
Since he was on a binge for that sort of thing he hired a cheerleader. Due to this he thought he would join a sport and chess seemed like the easy fat man sport but he forgot one vital thing, he was also an idiot. After the cheerleader left him, he decided to retire from the sport of chess and go back to his first love, eating weird foods for money at street corners. In 1498 he won the “second annual Sweetwater, Texas weird food eaters guy dudes they probably should have hired another guy to make up these titles but it turns out like this so live with it okay” tournament. Of course when presented the plaque Killer Kox broke it over his head. Which began the next leg of his career.
Tommorrow: His Feud with Killer Kox and Killer Khan
