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Post by bobjohnson on Dec 23, 2009 22:57:56 GMT -5
I dunno if this is the right place for this but I need to get this off my chest (and this is the place I have been online the longest)
Last week I got an email from Match.com, it was from a girl that was saying hi. I was skeptic but I tried to play it cool and go on from there. She noticed my weight loss blurb (which is minute on my profile so she is paying attention) and complimented on it.
I can be annoyed about this kind of conversation, its not me and there is more. But she wanted to know more and we exchanged IM screen names.
We have been chatting almost every night since last week, it has been good and what not but my nervousness is kicking in badly. I feel that I am divulging too much info about myself, and overtaking the conversation alot.
She is ok with what I say but this comes to my problem with the internet, I think that you can make good friends seldom possible online but the social cues are missed. I feel that she is saying these things just to appease me. I really am getting a good vibe and I really don't want to ruin this.
I have been talking to everyone that I know, and the constant thing is that I need to take it slow. This is sound advice but I am very impatient and want instant gratification. It would kill me if I really said something bad and destroyed any chance.
I would like comments, advice or anything to help me feel better about this, I trust that I will not get immature responses here since I have been around enough for me to believe it.
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Post by Bix Dugan on Dec 24, 2009 7:26:41 GMT -5
Considering my vast experience with the opposite sex...I should be the last person on earth to give dating advice. But here's what I think:
Maybe a phone call would be the next step?
My only advice, if you were to do that, is to make a little list of things to talk about beforehand. Nothing worse than long pauses, when you can't think of anything to say.
Good luck, Bob!
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Post by Continuing Legend on Dec 24, 2009 13:19:33 GMT -5
Whenever I feel awkward or weird about something, I've always found honesty to be the way to go.
Something like, "hey, talking on the internet feels kind of weird to me, but I enjoy our conversations and I hope it comes through in my typing. I don't want to sound too forward but maybe it'd be easier if we talked on the phone?" Or whatever.
Just a suggestion and maybe not a good one, but there you go.
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Post by mrsphyllistorgo on Dec 24, 2009 14:15:48 GMT -5
CL's advice is sound, bob. And don't worry if there's some awkward pauses in the phone conversation. Hearing someone's voice for the first time can be disconcerting after a long period of internet communication, since people tend to "assign" a voice to the person based on their writing style. Just because the conversation doesn't flow like it does on IM doesn't mean either one of you has "blown" it or you have nothing in common.
Pieces of advice from the old married lady:
1) She's just as nervous as you are. Nervousness tends to make people self centered, understandably, and think that the other person is completly calm and centered, but not so.
2) Don't overthink, a offshoot of aforesaid nerves. That doesn't mean turn your brain off and ignore big red flags (multiple arrest warrents, racist/sexist remarks or "jokes", money missing from your wallet) but most people don't invest big portentious subtexts into everything they say or do. If she's quiet or monosyllabic on the phone, don't assume she hates you or is a total bore and forget this whole damn thing. Just remind yourself She's Nervous Too.
3) Breathe. Clenching up and locking yourself down so you don't do anything "stupid" will only make you look like you're carved out of wood. She likes you, so you've done the hard part.
4) If it doesn't work out, it's not because you are ugly and boring and stupid and it's no wonder no one wants anything to do with you. You just didn't happen to be compatible, like everyone else in the world who's ever been in any kind of relationship that didn't work out. You're not exceptional or exempt in this regard, it just happens.
5) If it does work out, don't panic. Seriously, this is when many people blow it, after it turns out that the person they like likes them and they start having a good time together. That evil, self-sabotaging part of your brain that wants to see you miserable kicks in, gives you flop sweat and makes you babble. Stamp that part of your brain flat and give it noogies until it slinks away. You are a good person and deserve good people in your life.
You and IM girl may have an awkward conversation, short dating life, long freindship or the real thing in your future. The only way to find out is to forge ahead, with courage and respect. Good luck!
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Post by bobjohnson on Dec 24, 2009 19:53:29 GMT -5
CL's advice is sound, bob. And don't worry if there's some awkward pauses in the phone conversation. Hearing someone's voice for the first time can be disconcerting after a long period of internet communication, since people tend to "assign" a voice to the person based on their writing style. Just because the conversation doesn't flow like it does on IM doesn't mean either one of you has "blown" it or you have nothing in common. Pieces of advice from the old married lady: 1) She's just as nervous as you are. Nervousness tends to make people self centered, understandably, and think that the other person is completly calm and centered, but not so. 2) Don't overthink, a offshoot of aforesaid nerves. That doesn't mean turn your brain off and ignore big red flags (multiple arrest warrents, racist/sexist remarks or "jokes", money missing from your wallet) but most people don't invest big portentious subtexts into everything they say or do. If she's quiet or monosyllabic on the phone, don't assume she hates you or is a total bore and forget this whole damn thing. Just remind yourself She's Nervous Too. 3) Breathe. Clenching up and locking yourself down so you don't do anything "stupid" will only make you look like you're carved out of wood. She likes you, so you've done the hard part. 4) If it doesn't work out, it's not because you are ugly and boring and stupid and it's no wonder no one wants anything to do with you. You just didn't happen to be compatible, like everyone else in the world who's ever been in any kind of relationship that didn't work out. You're not exceptional or exempt in this regard, it just happens. 5) If it does work out, don't panic. Seriously, this is when many people blow it, after it turns out that the person they like likes them and they start having a good time together. That evil, self-sabotaging part of your brain that wants to see you miserable kicks in, gives you flop sweat and makes you babble. Stamp that part of your brain flat and give it noogies until it slinks away. You are a good person and deserve good people in your life. You and IM girl may have an awkward conversation, short dating life, long freindship or the real thing in your future. The only way to find out is to forge ahead, with courage and respect. Good luck! I have mentioned about my nervousness towards her, and she is ok with it. I do appreciate the advice, it will be a climb but one nonetheless. |
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Post by (busdrivertohell) on Dec 25, 2009 14:29:45 GMT -5
Find her, knock her on the head with a club, and drag her back to your cave.
I'M KIDDING!!!!
But seriously, I'm gonna have to go with what Continuing Legend said.
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Post by bobjohnson on Dec 26, 2009 20:05:50 GMT -5
I asked for her number, she said no but on the basis that she hates talking on it, makes her sound weird and awkward. I can understand that but I feel like I am being lied to.
I don't want to feel this but I dunno how to test her. The thing I can say is that she says she can't talk and is off-line, I check Facebook and this holds up.
My head is spinning around like a hurricane, I really don't like this anxiety or tension. I feel dependent and desperate and ok all at the same time.
Man, I have done many things in my life that are tough but this is the toughest of them all.
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Post by Continuing Legend on Dec 26, 2009 20:29:14 GMT -5
I asked for her number, she said no but on the basis that she hates talking on it, makes her sound weird and awkward. I can understand that but I feel like I am being lied to. See, that's the same problem you have, but with the internet. As long as you both understand each other's discomfort with the other's preferred method of communication, I think now you should stick with the internet (despite being uncomfortable with it) - if you bring up the phone thing too soon and/or too often you will probably come off kinda creepy. Even if you by nature don't like talking on the internet to anybody, after enough internet conversation you'll probably find it more comfortable to talk to her and she likewise will find it more comfortable to talk to you, maybe getting to the point where she would be more likely to try the phone (again, don't push it, it will come off as creepy). Again, if things feel super awkward or uncomfortable or if you're ever afraid you said something stupid, don't let it discourage you. Just remember that human interaction is often awkward, whether online, on the phone, or in person. People are awkward. People say stupid things. People screw up. But most importantly, people get over these things and that's how relationships work. It's never because things go perfectly. It's because things work even when they're not perfect. Oh god I sound really weird and sentimental and sappy. I'm sorry. You know what I mean. |
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Post by bobjohnson on Dec 26, 2009 20:42:27 GMT -5
I asked for her number, she said no but on the basis that she hates talking on it, makes her sound weird and awkward. I can understand that but I feel like I am being lied to. See, that's the same problem you have, but with the internet. As long as you both understand each other's discomfort with the other's preferred method of communication, I think now you should stick with the internet (despite being uncomfortable with it) - if you bring up the phone thing too soon and/or too often you will probably come off kinda creepy. Even if you by nature don't like talking on the internet to anybody, after enough internet conversation you'll probably find it more comfortable to talk to her and she likewise will find it more comfortable to talk to you, maybe getting to the point where she would be more likely to try the phone (again, don't push it, it will come off as creepy). Again, if things feel super awkward or uncomfortable or if you're ever afraid you said something stupid, don't let it discourage you. Just remember that human interaction is often awkward, whether online, on the phone, or in person. People are awkward. People say stupid things. People screw up. But most importantly, people get over these things and that's how relationships work. It's never because things go perfectly. It's because things work even when they're not perfect. Oh god I sound really weird and sentimental and sappy. I'm sorry. You know what I mean. I like control, my issue is that I can't control this entirely. I can lose weight, do school-work and my job but this is beyond my control. Thats the scariest part is having to accept it. I hope that this will improve. |
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Post by alansmithee on Dec 27, 2009 21:46:37 GMT -5
And now, advice from a cynic (warning: the following should not be read by anyone):
I find that relationships are dumb and a waste of time. Love is an illusion, a chemical reaction in the brain that had been programmed into us as a way for our genes to have a better chance at replication. Add to the fact that we're a naturally polygamous species who like to torture our sexual partners psychologically and emotionally, that men and women have their brains wired up completely differently and have no chance at communicating effectively, and you find that just going for safely practiced one-night-stands is the way to go. Meet up at a motel, do the deed, don't give your phone number and be done with it. You may break her heart, but at least you'll spare each other your minds.
Yes, I have grown very cynical, jaded and hedonistic.
Thank you. I should have my own self-help book series.
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Post by alansmithee on Dec 27, 2009 22:03:47 GMT -5
Ok, now some helpful advice:
Oh, and by the way, of course she is lying to you when she said she doesn't want to give you her phone number because "blah-blah-blah." Once that happens, just quit.
I've actually gotten girls a lot, lot easier once I found this winning formula.
1. Be confident. Completely, totally confident. Those butterflies in your stomach? It's a bunch of crap. Your mind can overcome it. Besides, girls like some nervousness. So be a nervous jackass, but keep going anyway. Eventually the neurons in your brain will snap together and you will get it even if you have to fall on your face many times and look like a complete moron, things will improve. You see all those dirt bags out there with beautiful women? You may have to work harder than them. They were born with dirt bag qualities that girls love. Their odds are automatically better than your's, being only a nice guy MiSTie. You got to work way harder than them, but once you do succeed, you will be where the scum bags are at, how to maintain a relationship. Nice guys can maintain them better than scum bags, but scum bags can start them quicker than nice guys. So, work harder at the first part and then laugh in the scum's face. You only got 70 to 80 years on this earth, just go for it. Who cares?
2. Get off the internet. it's the biggest waste of time in the world. Just approach girls you think are attractive anywhere you go (school, work, gym etc...). Strike a conversation with them, make them laugh and then get their number. 99% probably won't give you their number or want to have anything to do with you. Screw them. Just keep going.
3. Once something interesting does happen, just let things breathe a bit, don't come across as across as a desperate jerk and, after some time, ask her out on a date. The point is that, by now you have, say, six different girls' phone numbers. So, the odds of one saying "yes" have now increased to 6 chances rather than one. Staring into a computer screen and playing seesaw in your emotions with one girl gives you one chance, builds an illusion that this is your only chance and makes it all the more excruciatingly horrible if you fail. When you got three, four, five, six or ten numbers on you, suddenly your odds are better, its not the end of the world is one rejects you and even if all of them reject you, now you're a pro a getting girls' numbers and it's much easier, so you win all the way around.
4. Don't believe anything she says when it comes to flakiness. Flaking on anything (giving a phone number, another date, "uh, well, um, maybe, but, uh") is the death of anything. A girl immediately decides what is permissible for a guy the moment she sees him. If she flakes, she isn't into you, so say "Ok, bye" and walk away. Girls don't want to comes across as rude, so they will rarely outright turn you down (unless they think they're just that "kool"). Mostly they just make lame excuses. Walk away, give them the finger and move on. What you want is a Magnet Girl. A Magnet Girl example is most dramatic when you see it at a party, when a girl jumps on a guy the moment he enters, as if by some mysterious force. It's happened to me before, and once you find your Magnet Girl, it's easy street all the way, and you will find that flakiness doesn't exist in her vocabulary. Magnet Girls invite themselves to your house and outright give you their number, flake girls invite you to eternity in emotional hell. Of course, some Magnet Girls are just psycho sluts or prostitutes that jump on every guy which may not be a good thing at all, but your personal Magnet Girl is out there, somewhere.
5. Once you got something going, do not listen to anything your friends say. In fact, stop reading this RIGHT NOW. They are all full of crap, they all think they are experts and they are all liars and idiots. They don't care if you succeed with your relationship. They just want to satisfy their testosterone machoness and pretend they are experts on everything. There is no secret to any of this stuff. There's only confidence and trial and error. That's it. Period.
In summation: confidence + using mathematical probability for you rather than against you = (some chance with) girls. Using the internet for dating + focusing on some flake = death to confidence, emotional turmoil, dark descent into the soul of Travis Bickle, and using mathematical probability against you. I know what I'm saying isn't very PC or what you may want to hear, but I went down the road you're going for years and it simply doesn't work, period.
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Post by pyrozombie on Dec 28, 2009 16:45:11 GMT -5
I might not be the best person to ask.
I got my own stories I'm still coping with.
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Post by Mighty Jack on Dec 29, 2009 2:36:59 GMT -5
I’m too old to play games; I don’t calculate or play odds or any of that nonsense. Look, that’s a person you’re communicating with. A flesh and blood member of the human race trying to get through this life as best she can, just like you are. That’s not a target, not a thing to manipulate with slight of hand… she’s a human being.
Just be real, be honest. Talk, give it your best shot and see what shakes. She might be a cool person, or she might be sociopath you want to avoid. You never know, but that’s the point in all this, to find out. Eventually a relationship hits the point where you have to decide the course it’s going to take. Is it all about kicks, or friendship, or marriage and babies? Or maybe it’s not a good fit and you go your separate ways. I know it can be tricky trying to navigate those waters, and figure out whether you’re on the same page - and there’s no universal blueprint, no foolproof equation, you just do the best you can.
Oh, and I wouldn’t assume she lying to you about the phone thing. I’m a phone-a-phobe too. But I get over it when I find someone I’m interested in. Maybe she will too, I don’t know. That’s part of the discovery process.
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Post by bobjohnson on Dec 29, 2009 9:34:08 GMT -5
I’m too old to play games; I don’t calculate or play odds or any of that nonsense. Look, that’s a person you’re communicating with. A flesh and blood member of the human race trying to get through this life as best she can, just like you are. That’s not a target, not a thing to manipulate with slight of hand… she’s a human being. Just be real, be honest. Talk, give it your best shot and see what shakes. She might be a cool person, or she might be sociopath you want to avoid. You never know, but that’s the point in all this, to find out. Eventually a relationship hits the point where you have to decide the course it’s going to take. Is it all about kicks, or friendship, or marriage and babies? Or maybe it’s not a good fit and you go your separate ways. I know it can be tricky trying to navigate those waters, and figure out whether you’re on the same page - and there’s no universal blueprint, no foolproof equation, you just do the best you can. Oh, and I wouldn’t assume she lying to you about the phone thing. I’m a phone-a-phobe too. But I get over it when I find someone I’m interested in. Maybe she will too, I don’t know. That’s part of the discovery process. You and I really think alike Tony, and we seem to follow some similar paths. I do appreciate all the responses I got so far. I want to explain another reason why I get this way with dating. My dad met my mom, had one date and moved in the next week. I get worried about that with me because he was very dependent on my mom (and abusive which lead to my mom leaving him when I was 6) I am fearful that when I get into a relationship that its going to turn into that, I feel when I get a crush on women that I need them to survive (which I don't at times but companionship is nice) I want go about this the right way, which is the opposite of my dad. This may be a lame excuse since I am an adult and have done many things my father never did, but my fear that I will be him lingers in my head a lot. Again I appreciate the advice, I think I will play this by ear and keep my options open, I am going back to school january 11th so who knows what will come of that. |
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Post by inlovewithcrow on Dec 29, 2009 11:45:06 GMT -5
If you don't hear this person's voice on the phone, there's no way to know she's really a she. Many, many people have had internet "relationships" that end up with this awkward ending of finding out the person who you think you know is not that sex. I'm not saying DEMAND her phone number--that would be too stalkerish. But if you can, in any sense, hold back on your feelings until you know for sure that she has ovaries (or once did), you'll save yourself some pain.
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