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Post by Don Quixote on Feb 12, 2012 15:22:57 GMT -5
... why didn't you invent:
THE GRILL GLOVE!
They all laughed, LAUGHED, until they saw the amazing grill glove in action. The fire-immune silicone can withstand temperatures approaching that of the surface of the sun, meaning that if your space capsule goes careening out of control into a star, the last thing to remain of you will be your grill glove. Combined with the LavaMitt, you'll never again have to worry about singing your ball hairs when you set your apartment on fire in order to commit renter's insurance fraud.
Still not convinced you're all pretentious pseudo-intellectuals who couldn't contribute anything worthwhile to society if you wanted to? Well then, Lawrence VanClenchjaw III, feast your eyes upon:
SAUNAPANTS
You spoiled, trust fund kiddies spout all these stupid phrases like "job creators" and "violation of restraining order", but you're all really parasites, taking away the natural ingenuity of honest, hard-working Americans like David Saunapants, inventor of the electric prostate stimulator, the robotic child centrifuge, and SteakShirt, the shirt made out of real thick-cut steak! I defy you to find a product more useful than Saunapants. I dare you. You can't? Oh, that's right, because this is the real deal here, baby!
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Post by Afgncaap5 on Feb 12, 2012 15:47:08 GMT -5
This thread is clearly an attempt by Billy Mays to come back to life and seek revenge on us all by harnessing the power of Rick Sloane's Mind from the underworld.
Whatever you do, don't send him checks or money orders valued in obols, those are the coins that Charon accepts to bring souls across the river Styx!
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Post by Ratso on Feb 12, 2012 15:53:00 GMT -5
If you're putting on an oven mitt and sticking it into an open flame I highly doubt that the grill glove is the answer to your problems....
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Post by Afgncaap5 on Feb 12, 2012 15:54:21 GMT -5
Certainly not all of them, no.
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Post by Don Quixote on Feb 12, 2012 16:44:38 GMT -5
Unless the question is "What can I use to re-skin my hand after I lost most of it to third degree burns?"
Then, the Grill Glove is the only real choice.
This seems to be a new motif for my threads. Post a completely stupid argument for these two youtube clips I found (I think this started during the HOLY CRAP! I NEED TO DO MY TAXES! thread and spiraled from there), and then just continuously sh*t up my thread with even more asinine justifications of the initial post. Just like Spongebob Boat-O-Cross.
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Post by siamesesin on Feb 12, 2012 18:47:17 GMT -5
So, what you're saying is you need a hobby.
Try inventing stuff.
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Post by Don Quixote on Feb 12, 2012 19:42:08 GMT -5
You know what? You're right! I'll invent the TurdTrench! DO YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY GETTING ALL THAT POOP OUT OF YOUR RECTUM WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!? HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE TURDTRENCH! THE FAST AND EASY WAY TO EXTRICATE ALL THAT CAKED-ON FECES FROM YOUR ASS WITH ONE EASY TOOL! THE TURDTRENCH USES ALL NEW UNCORKING TECHNOLOGY TO GET YOUR BUTT WORKING WITH REGULARITY AGAIN! THE SECRET IS THE SEVERAL SHARP BLADES THAT SPIN AT A HIGH RPM, INSTANTLY LIQUEFYING THE CAKED-ON DOOTY, AS WELL AS ANY SKIN THAT WAS WITHIN A FEW INCHES OF IT! LIKE HAVING BOWEL CONTROL?!? TOO BAD, BILLY MAYS HAS TAKEN CARE OF THAT! YOU WILL BE REGULAR, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONTAIN YOUR FECES! ENJOY YOUR COLOSTOMY BAG, THANKS TO ME, BILLY MAYS!
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Feb 13, 2012 10:12:05 GMT -5
I like how the SaunaPants ad says that a sauna is invigorating...while showing images of people half asleep.
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Post by TheNewMads on Feb 13, 2012 13:25:54 GMT -5
why not make the whole plane out of the Grill Glove?
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Post by Crowfan on Feb 13, 2012 16:35:03 GMT -5
Why doesn't the plane just become a boat?
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Post by Mitchell on Feb 13, 2012 23:33:19 GMT -5
why not make the whole plane out of the Grill Glove? Even the windows?! YOU MANIAC!
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Post by Afgncaap5 on Feb 14, 2012 17:24:57 GMT -5
You know what? You're right! I'll invent the TurdTrench! DO YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY GETTING ALL THAT POOP OUT OF YOUR RECTUM WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!? HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE TURDTRENCH! THE FAST AND EASY WAY TO EXTRICATE ALL THAT CAKED-ON FECES FROM YOUR ASS WITH ONE EASY TOOL! THE TURDTRENCH USES ALL NEW UNCORKING TECHNOLOGY TO GET YOUR BUTT WORKING WITH REGULARITY AGAIN! THE SECRET IS THE SEVERAL SHARP BLADES THAT SPIN AT A HIGH RPM, INSTANTLY LIQUEFYING THE CAKED-ON DOOTY, AS WELL AS ANY SKIN THAT WAS WITHIN A FEW INCHES OF IT! LIKE HAVING BOWEL CONTROL?!? TOO BAD, BILLY MAYS HAS TAKEN CARE OF THAT! YOU WILL BE REGULAR, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONTAIN YOUR FECES! ENJOY YOUR COLOSTOMY BAG, THANKS TO ME, BILLY MAYS! Dangit guys, who gave him an Obol? SOMEONE GAVE HIM AN OBOL. He's got three posts to get back to his loveable old insane-but-safe ways before I try rekilling him with a shovel. Sigh And then I'll need *another* obol for the return trip *back* across Styx for him and...you know, this is exactly why we instituted that "No Cults of the Undead" rule here, but people just keep ignoring that.
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Post by Don Quixote on Feb 14, 2012 19:54:01 GMT -5
I like how the SaunaPants ad says that a sauna is invigorating...while showing images of people half asleep. What, heat stroke doesn't relax you?
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Post by siamesesin on Feb 14, 2012 21:40:17 GMT -5
you know, this is exactly why we instituted that "No Cults of the Undead" rule here, but people just keep ignoring that. Am I allowed to make the Jesus=Zombie joke now?
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Post by mummifiedstalin on Feb 14, 2012 23:31:16 GMT -5
you know, this is exactly why we instituted that "No Cults of the Undead" rule here, but people just keep ignoring that. Am I allowed to make the Jesus=Zombie joke now? Yeah, but the Eucharist throws that whole thing. A zombie wants to eat us, but Jesus wants us to eat him! And the whole "wine is my blood" thing is just so much more vampire than zombie...
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