31 Days of Halloween: Schlocktober

[Torgo]

Welcome to my 31 Days of Halloween! But why do 31 Days of Halloween when you can do…

31 Days of Halloween
SCHLOCKTOBER
With Rifftrax!

This October I have selected thirty-one films; some good, some bad, but they all have one thing in common...they were all riffed by Rifftrax!

Why Rifftrax, you may ask?

Because I want to. So lick me.

Initially I had considered doing thirty-one horror episodes of Mystery Science Theater, but ultimately I came to realize that the traditional month for MST was November, because of it’s association with “turkeys.” I decided to variety it up a bit by infusing it with Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic. But the more I tried to come up with a list, the more Rifftrax dominated it. They have such juicy, big name titles under their belts and I kept thinking to myself “if I include this one, then I HAVE to include this one.”

I’ve picked thirty-one movies that they have riffed, and I tried to keep them as “iconic” or “related to iconic” or “not iconic but I might have heard of it at some point in my life” as I could (with the exception of one, but we’ll get to that when we get there). And some of these will be my first time watching them, so I’m looking forward to those.

And for fun, I’m throwing in shorts for appetizers. And if a certain riff is presented as a live show (and said live show is available) then that version will be used.

But enough talk. Let’s...talk...through the movies instead! Folks...it’s time for Rifftrax!



Day One



Film Year: 1968
Director: George A. Romero
Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea, Karl Hardman
Riff Year: 2013 (previously riffed in 2004 and 2009)
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Featured Short: Norman Gives a Speech

Fresh out of the grave and ready to download or stream! This is the complete show, including the final short in the beloved Norman Krasner series, Norman Gives a Speech, because Norman is EVERYONE’S favorite zombie!

This classic 1968 horror film is where it all began. No, not the cronut trend, we’re talking about the omnipresent zombie craze! 28 Weeks Later, Resident Evil: Retribution, that Zack Snyder remake of Dawn of the Dead...We wouldn’t have any of them without Night of the Living Dead! (Pause to think about whether this is a good thing.)

When she’s attacked in a cemetery by zombies, a young woman named Barbara flees to an abandoned farm house. There she’s joined by a ragtag group of survivors who band together to wait out the apocalypse, with the occasional light descent into madness. The rest of the movie plays out like The Big Chill, but instead of Glenn Close sobbing naked in the shower, they board up windows and occasionally get devoured alive. So in this respect, Night of the Living Dead is the slightly less depressing movie.

Shotguns! Molotov cocktails! Exploding cars! Headshots galore! Like one of those awesome zombie video games (except you don’t get to play it), RiffTrax Live: Night of the Living Dead is guaranteed to be scarier than Brad Pitt’s beard in World War Z and funnier than the acting on The Walking Dead! You won’t want to miss it!



No, this isn’t my freakish way of honoring the late George A. Romero. The reason I’m putting this first is simple: Every time I ask myself if I want to watch a horror movie for October, Night of the Living Dead is the first thing that pops into my head. As soon as I decided to do this, I knew that the Live show of Night had to have a place on this list.

Things get off to a great start with one of the funnier intros Mike, Kevin, and Bill ever offered for their Live shows (and some of them could get pretty lame) where they “Trick ‘r' Treat” each other for some candy. Mike handing out razor blades is deliciously dark and hilarious.

They then introduce what they describe as the scariest monster of the night: Norman. This is the live show’s short feature, Norman Gives a Speech, the fourth in a series of four Norman comedy shorts that the guys at Rifftrax seem to just adore. I don’t have as much of a fascination with them as they seem to (I think they burned through them too fast and I was tuckered out on the Norman character by the time this show came out), but this Norman series is a very odd duck indeed. These four shorts weren’t produced in rapid succession but rather over a looooooooong period of time. The first one was made in 1974 and they came out once every five years afterward, so bringing this character back was a conscious, calculated decision, so there must have been SOME demand for the character.

Norman Gives a Speech is about...Norman giving a speech, I guess. But as is true to all of these Norman shorts, everything that can go wrong does go wrong. The short itself is decently funny, and like all the Norman shorts doesn’t really need riffing. I somewhat suspect Rifftrax used them not so much as a riffing tool but rather just found them strange and amusing (which they are) and just tried to push them into the spotlight a bit. The riffing is fine, mostly just emphasizing Norman’s shtick. There are a few great highs, but most of the amusement comes from the silly short itself.

Moving on to the feature, I’ve been a big fan of Night of the Living Dead since I was a teenager. However I saw the remake first on the Sci-Fi Channel way back when, mistaking it for the original, and recall thinking to myself “boy, this movie is newer than I thought...and it kinda sucks.” Later I found out that I didn’t see the original and corrected that, and was utterly captivated by it. Of course, the lackluster acting from certain characters is a weakness, but the film makes up for it with its sense of dread and impending doom.

“A JEFF DUNHAM PUPPET! Oh good, it’s just a rotting corpse.”

As far as Live riffings go, Night of the Living Dead is one of their weaker ones. Personally I’d rank Plan 9 from Outer Space and Time Chasers below it, but Night seems to be a well they tapped one too many times because it’s a public domain movie, yet they’ve never delivered anything spectacular with it. Maybe the movie is too good, but Rifftrax has riffed good films before to wonderful result. They riffed this particular movie three times and seem to stumble with it each time. Personally if they want to do their next Kickstarter for Diary of the Dead, they might find a better subject there.

It’s not a total loss. A highlight of their Night riffs is always angry Harry Cooper. Characters who are introduced pissed and stay pissed always seem to be favorites of Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they love to fuel the fire and play it up. They also take aim at whacked out Barbara, to much more mixed results, playing up the character’s broken mental state. They’re not great riffs, but when they hit they’re pretty funny. And as the movie delivers more carnage the riffers start to heat up.

This Live show is actually being re-released to theaters later this month, in what I’ve hear is a (mildly distasteful?) honoring of Romero’s passing. I would have preferred a straight screening of the movie for such an occasion, but at least it’s an opportunity to see this classic on the big screen.

[crowschmo]

I love these guys, but this riff didn't do it for me at ALL. I didn't see the live version, so that might be better, but I had bought one of the studio riffs with all 3 of them some time ago, and I didn't laugh at ANYTHING.

And I hate the Norman shorts. Not funny - the riffs or the shorts themselves. Just dull.

[Torgo]

Day Two:


Film Year: 1996
Director: John Frankenheimer
Starring: Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, David Thewlis, Fairuza Balk, Ron Perlman
Riff Year: 2006
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
Selected Short: One Got Fat (short also riffed by Bill Corbett)

Do you find that you're sleeping a little too well as of late? That your dreams are of the innocuous stripe, i.e., old friends turning into llamas and eating your baseball hat, rather than full out, scream-yourself-awake nightmares followed by 15 minutes of sweating and shallow breathing interrupted by occasional anxiety-induced "whale flips" that rip the covers off your significant other?

Well, then we've got a short for you! One Got Fat is the real deal - a concentrated dose of lab-purified nightmare fuel. To give away too much would be to blunt the surprise of your upcoming trauma... but here's a hint: A teeming sea of pre-adolescent ur-monkeys are murdered one by one, all to the whimsical narration of the lubricious Edward Everett Horton! Yay!

Mike, Bill and Kevin are there with you, shivering in terror in the dark.



“A bicycle safety film where APES EVOLVE FROM MEN? There’s got to be an answer!”
“Don’t look for it, Mike! You may not like what you find!”

For the most part I made a conscious effort to pair up shorts that I feel match the feature films I’ve selected. Given the theme of man-ape hybrids, I thought One Got Fat was a natural choice for The Island of Dr. Moreau, even though admittedly it would have been better for a Planet of the Apes film. But Planet of the Apes wouldn’t have made for Halloween fare, so Dr. Moreau it is.

One Got Fat shows a bunch of children dressed as monkeys failing to obey bicycle safety laws, and thus die horribly. In case you’re wondering what the title “One Got Fat” has to do with anything, apparently the moral of the story is that if all your friends die on the way to the park, then you get to eat their lunches.

This is, like, a law. Or something.

This is one of my favorite Rifftrax shorts, if not my very favorite. I’m a sucker for Planet of the Apes references and this short is predictably filled to the brim with them, with constant bringing up “ape law” and “the Forbidden Zone.” They also travel down the path of poo flinging jokes, which I’m less fond of. But let’s face it, this short is just asking for them.

And now, our feature presentation...

And the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet.

See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it.

But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die.



In sixth grade I had a teacher who really pushed us to read, and he had a pile of books in which he let us take home one per week and do book reports. We all had our favorites, but personally I gravitated toward the work of HG Wells (as well as Jules Verne). The Island of Dr. Moreau wasn’t a part of his library disappointingly enough, but that summer a feature film version of it was going to hit theaters. Having enjoyed the Wells books that I had read, I was really anxious to see it. It wasn’t until it’s television premiere that I actually finally got to see the movie, and I found myself a little dumbfounded at the experience. I didn’t dislike a lot of movies back then, to an extent I still don’t, but something about this movie just kind of stunned me. It was like being hit by a whirlwind of garbage.

Many years after, all the stories of behind the scenes drama came to light: original director Richard Stanley being fired, Val Kilmer’s erratic behavior in the midst of his divorce, Marlon Brando’s slightly less erratic behavior in the aftermath of his daughter’s suicide, going months over schedule, wild orgies on set, and many other fun stories. It could almost be a movie on its own, and it probably would be way more entertaining.

If you haven’t checked out the film documentary on the making of this movie, Lost Soul, I highly recommend it. It makes you almost want to watch this movie again. You know, before you remember that you’d rather have the vicious animal people claw your eyes out before setting sight on the DVD cover.

As for the movie, The Island of Dr. Moreau has David Thewlis (many years before being the wrinkly old man God of War in Wonder Woman) being shipwrecked and picked up by Val Kilmer, who brings Thewlis back to the (dun dun DUN) Island of Dr. Moreau. Dr. Moreau turns out to be an eccentric Marlon Brando, giving less of a damn than ever before. Moreau creates a colony of human-animal hybrids of which he controls as their god, though they desire to revert to their animal nature.

At the core this is a great story. Basically it relates through sci-fi/horror man’s complex relationship with God (or the idea of one). Moreau creates his children, tells them they must follow his commandments and repress their nature, and in the end they refuse, separate themselves from their god, and let chaos reign when life has no rules.

The problem is that the movie is a freak. It’s an ugly disaster from beginning to end. But it’s almost a beautiful freak, because it’s presentation of being such a geek show is almost enhances the themes and subject matter of the film. It’s really a wonder to behold for all the wrong reasons. For that I can recommend watching the film, but don’t expect to enjoy it.

But I could talk about this stupid movie all day, what of the Rifftrax? As over-the-top and freakish as the movie is, I daresay it lends itself PERFECTLY for riffing. Each scene is a beautiful set-up and Mike and Kevin just tee the ball onto the green. Val Kilmer and especially Marlon Brando are ripe targets taken advantage of, as well just the chaotic plot of the movie.This has been a favorite Rifftrax of mine for a while, because this is exactly the type of movie their catch phrase “some movies have it coming” is talking about.

I still haven’t read the novel yet, though it’s been on my to read pile for a few years now. I have seen the two other film versions, and like almost everyone else I definitely side with Island of Lost Souls being the best one (by quite a long shot too).

Of note: Being a resident of Idaho I live only a few cities over from Val Kilmer. A few years ago I introduced my then-girlfriend to Rifftrax with The Island of Dr. Moreau and we had a good laugh at Kilmer’s expense throughout. A week later she called me up all excited claiming that Kilmer was just in the hardware store she worked at. Apparently he was working on a deck at his house looking for some sort of primer that they were supposedly the closest store that had it in stock. She claimed she felt guilty about how much we mocked him yet he was very nice to her.

If I were in her spot, I would have just shouted “BATMAN!” and ran away.

[Torgo]

Day Three:


Film Year: 2008
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, a teacher who looks like Tony Shaloub but disappointingly is not
Riff Year: 2009
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Going Steady?

It's the most important decision you'll ever make: should I eat the rest of this BK Stacker, or just trust my vague feeling of nausea and quit while I'm ahead? But put that aside now and let's talk about the third most important decision you'll ever make*: should I go steady? The answer, of course, is no. But the short Going Steady doesn't settle for such easy answers. Instead it probes the question through the tortured angst of Marie, an insecure girl with "offbeat" good looks who can't shake her Jeff habit. Jeff, for his part, is a flannel-clad Lothario, prowling the high school hallways and leaving nothing but the shattered husks of broken-hearted bobby-soxers as his terrible toll. Otherwise, very polite young man. In the powerful third act, Marie confronts Jeff, and the reaction is as explosive as anything Judson T. Landis has ever done!
Mike, Kevin and Bill learned everything they know about life, about love...and about laughter....from Going Steady.

*The 2nd is "should I take advantage of the zero percent financing on the hedge trimmer I want to buy?"

How can you tell if you’re going steady?

No seriously, I need to know.

::turns around:: HEY PHYLLIS! ARE WE GOING STEADY?

Phyllis: NO! GET BACK TO YOUR INTERNET PORN!

And there you have it! A sure fire way to find out if you’re going steady. Of course, the characters in this short have no clue if they’re going steady and get advice on what going steady exactly means. It’s a quaint short that fakes paternal advice to teenagers, basically.

The riffing is solid, mocking the lunkhead characters to great effect. The simple story is beefed up, and the advice portions are made goofier and questionable. Even if you don’t get to second base, this short makes going steady fun!

And now our feature presentation…

RiffTrax was caught up in the Twilight frenzy, and not surprisingly, given that we are staffed almost exclusively by 13-year-old girls. So when we heard rumors of the feature film—the whispers of John Goodman being cast as Edward were especially worrying—we sent so many texts beginning "OMG!!!1!!!!11!!" we nearly shut down our SMS service.

At the movie's premiere we were there among the throngs, shrieking with girlish glee when Robert Pattinson got out of his limo (it turns out we had mistakenly gone to the premiere of The Changeling and were actually shrieking for John Malkovich, but the point still stands.) And when it was finally released on DVD we ruined our first three copies by hugging them too much.

But we've overcome these obstacles to give you the best RiffTrax for a sparkly-emo-vampire film that we know how to make, and we say with as much humility as we can muster, that's a pretty darn good sparkly-emo-vampire RiffTrax! Turn off that Ashley Tisdale download, tell the clerk at Hot Topic you'll buy that hoodie later, and cozy up with Mike, Kevin and Bill for the mopiest RiffTrax ever!



There was a heavy debate as to whether or not Twilight was “Halloween” enough to include in this marathon. It is by genre a romance, but at it’s heart it’s a really crappy monster movie. Or at least that’s how I’m justifying it.

But really what it boils down to is that I’m having a Rifftrax marathon, and I’d never forgive myself if I left out my favorite Rifftrax, horror movie or not. Unfortunately that probably means I’m peaking early, but at least my thirst for Twilight mockery has been satisfied.

Twilight is that love it or hate it fad that we all have some sort of opinion on. We’re either in the camp of “SWOON” or “KILL IT WITH FIRE!” I was a steady boyfriend throughout half of the series’ run, so I unfortunately got to see two of these movies in theaters. It was interesting seeing my girlfriend’s split personality, as I heard her complain endlessly about the series being butchered for the big screen (like, you know, ALL young adult readers seem to do), but as she sat down to watch it the girlish glee emerged and she started squeeing with the rest of the fawning ladies of the audience.

She thanked me numerous times for taking her to see them. Once i made the mistake of telling her that I didn’t hate the movies as much as she thought I did. She responded enthusiastically by asking if I wanted to borrow the books from her. My response was an instant and heavy “NO!”

I actually wasn’t lying. Twilight is awful, but I thought the core idea of a more “folklore” take on vampires and werewolves had promise. They just botched it. But even after screwing it up, damn it’s funny. These movies are horrendously padded, poorly acted, feature trashy “not so special” effects, and are wholly empty experiences served as just a fantasy gateway for lonely women who want to see Bella as an avatar instead of a character.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill expressed initial reluctance at tackling Twilight for Rifftrax, as they felt the angsty teenage romance was out of their core audience’s demographic. They however underestimated the sheer amount of people who wanted to see this movie made fun of. What they found in this film was a match made in heaven, far more than Bella and Edward could hope to be. There is SO MUCH to mock in this movie, and the long pauses, stifled sentence fragments, and dead air assure that there is plenty of time for the riffers to get their jokes in. An all time favorite joke amongst me and my friends is during the patches of silence where the boys just simply say the word “Line?” as if the characters were in a high school play. It’s a running gag so funny that they bring it back in their riffs for all four sequels.

To me, this is perfection. It ranks right up there with the best of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I recommend this to anyone who dislikes the movie and is unwilling to sit through childish parodies like Vampires Suck or Breaking Wind. My childish parody is hands down the best of the bunch.

[Torgo]

Film Year: 2009
Director: Oren Peli
Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat
Riff Year: 2010
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Down and Out

If you like your safety shorts served with a heavy dose of groovy, then this is for you! Down and Out lays out a litany of dangers inherent in your every move from one location to the other, no matter how small. Bone-shattering death awaits around every corner. Every surface, every object, every molecule conspires with all others on earth to kill you dead! See your own tragic fate played out again and again, all backed up by a smooth drum-based soundtrack. You WILL die in an accident, but Down and Out will make the few moments until you do all the more pleasant. Mike, Kevin and Bill share the pain.



Get ready for a short featuring the CLUMSIEST MAN ALIVE! Jerry Lewis and Shemp Howard had nothing on this guy! Any way he can fall, he WILL fall! And there’s a narrator here to openly mock him as he does.

And remember, the best trick is to NOT fall. Great advice!

For a short that’s pretty much the same thing over and over again, the riffing is pretty good. They have fun at the man’s unfortunate expense, the childlike production values (those oversized tools and blocks are hilarious), and the unhelpful narration that scolds you for potential falls but never gives any real advice how to prevent them. Well, other than LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GOING, DUMBASS!

And now our feature presentation...

Paranormal Activity succeeds by putting the viewer in the most deviously terrifying position ever imagined by a filmmaker: captive audience to an idiot's home movie. It recreates the experience of being stuck in a room with Micah (pronounced MEEK-uh, or DOOSH-bag), the kind of guy you immediately want to start punching and never stop punching until the punching is done. The kind of guy who spends his free time at the mall, conspicuously checking out 16-year olds while chatting loudly on his Bluetooth headset about hair gels. In short, Micah is a super sweet dude.

In a hard-to-swallow supernatural twist, Micah has somehow acquired a live-in girlfriend, Katie. In any other film she would stand out as a shrill, unlikeable person, but in the twisted world of Paranormal Activity she is borderline tolerable. Katie carries some baggage, namely some sort of ghost, or demon, or...well it's not really clear. Whatever it is, it's up to no good, pulling off masterful scares such as moving keys off the counter, and gradually shifting a door while Micah and Katie sleep. By the way, get used to watching Micah and Katie sleep, because that's pretty much the whole movie. Oh, and one time they go outside and Katie sits in a chair.

Strap in for terror, or at least a steady, crushing, existential dread, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill go up against the film equivalent of sitting next to a talkative moron on a 6-hour flight: Paranormal Activity.



Changing the pace a bit (which could be in more ways than one, since this is a VERY slow movie), as opposed to the last two movies in this marathon, Paranormal Activity is one that I kinda dig. It’s a monotonous film on many counts, but it just might be the best of the “three kings” of this goofy found footage horror genre (which include a film we’ll watch later in the marathon and the unfortunately unriffed Blair Witch Project). Though personally, for my taste, I prefer [REC] over anything else in this subgenre.

I’ve always liked the little camera tricks and practical effects in these movies. They can be fun and inventive, and seeking out those little moments almost makes Paranormal Activity the Where’s Waldo? of horror movies. Granted, I stopped caring about the series the more it introduced CGI into it. And the villainous demon instantly lost any credibility the minute they started calling him “Toby.” Great, now whenever I think of this thing I’ll picture him as Toby from The Office. Thanks, Jason Blum!




But this series, and the first movie is no exception, is an easy target. Rifftrax taking it on was almost inevitable, though I’m a tad disappointed they never riffed any of the other films. But I imagine coming up with countless jokes to footage of people sleeping is difficult.

The Rifftrax is faced with a double edged sword in this movie. On one hand, the film is halfway dead air, with minimal activity happening, allowing them to joke freely. On the other, when characters are awake and active they don’t shut up, which forces Mike, Kevin, and Bill to talk over them. While plot progression is fairly minimal in these scenes, voices coming from every direction is not ideal.

Riffs are fairly predictable, in that they constantly point out that they find the movie boring. Unlike most films they do this riff in they might actually have a case with this one. It takes slow burn to the limit, and not helping matters is the poor acting.

Especially Micah. Oh god help us, it’s Micah. Even sitting in the theater watching this movie I couldn’t stand Micah. He is a textbook horror movie moron if there ever was one, constantly making the wrong decision and endangering their lives to boost his male ego. The demon isn’t the villain of this movie, it’s him. Micah takes a good thrashing from the riffers, as they don’t hesitate to point out every stupid move he makes.

Whether you like or hate the movie, the Rifftrax for is is a pretty funny one. Mostly chuckles, but it really becomes wildly funny during some of the “paranormal activity” moments, especially the scenes where Katie gets out of bed and just stands there for hours. I especially laughed hard in the final sequence of the movie, leaving me turning off this movie with a smile on my face.

[Torgo]

Day Five:


Film Year: 1960
Director: Roger Corman
Starring: Jonathan Haze, Jackie Joseph, Mel Welles, Jack Nicholson
Riff Year: 2009 (previously riffed in 2006)
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Carnivorous Plants

Carnivorous Plants! Like Wii Boxing, they're one of those things that instantly becomes 1000X less cool the moment you bring it home and try it out. Rather than quickly earning their keep and chomping down on your neighbors annoying labradoodle, your carnivorous plant instead sits on your window sill, vowing that he'll get to work tomorrow. You show off their opening and closing ability to disinterested friends who suddenly realize that Wii Boxing wasn't that bad after all, while your housefly population triples in size and begins to plot a coup. Soon after, the plant dies when you go to visit your grandmother in Sarasota.

Yes, Carnivorous Plants are a big let down. Which is why it's a good thing that the short Carnivorous Plants deals mainly with stock footage of transportation and discussions about mousetraps. We believe the plants do not make an appearance until the short has actually ended. The whole thing is tied together by a narrator who babbles his way towards an irrefutable conclusion: Carnivorous Plants are way cooler in the movies.

Mike, Kevin and Bill declare this their finest Carnivorous Plant-related riffing not containing a character named Seymour Krelborn.

Not curing your insect bloodlust by swatting flies? Well, this short is for you! Where else will you see helpless bugs being trapped and digested for ten straight minutes?

This short was a shoe-in to be paired with this particular movie, given the subject matter. Hell, Rifftrax even did a Little Shop reference in its website description, that’s how obvious it was. Though, I’ll be honest, initially I had it paired up with another movie I’ll be watching in about a week that’s also about killer plants, but when I remembered I was going to do Little Shop of Horrors I knew I had to readjust.

The short is informative, but it feels almost voyeuristic in how it gleefully portrays insects being eaten alive. It’s almost like a weird nature-based snuff film. Mike, Kevin, and Bill never quite pick up on that, instead going for riffs of “HELP ME!” for the hopeless insects and a few bits of food based humor. I’ll be honest and say that the education of the short probably held my attention more than the riffing.

And now our feature presentation...

Fans of shops of horrors will love this nostalgic look back, before the days of the massive chain stores, and big box horror shops. In the old days, horror shopkeepers gave you the personal touch; they knew your name, asked about your kids, were always ready with a smile... before killing you, chopping you up and feeding you to their monstrous plant. Little Shop features a powerhouse performance -- as the diminutive nerd Seymour Krelboin -- by diminutive nerd Jonathan Haze, and as always, the sumptuous cinematography, lavish production values and white knuckle pacing that are the hallmark of director Roger Corman.

Kevin, Mike, and Bill invite you to come inside their little shop of RiffTrax and have a look around.



No, not THAT Little Shop of Horrors. I wish it were, but let’s play the cards we’re dealt. So the answer is no, there will be no songs at all during this entire Rifftrax. And no I won’t post any. Not a single one.*

Decades before the story was reimagined as a hit stage musical and in turn adapted into the remake starring the world’s greatest actor, Rick Moranis, Little Shop of Horrors was a humble little black comedy best known as the film that Roger Corman shot in two days. And if you think that’s an urban myth, sit down and watch it and you’ll definitely say “Yep, this was shot in two days.”

Little Shop of Horrors is the story of Seymour, a klutzy nerd with eyes for flower shop co-worker Audrey. One day he picks up a weird new species of plant, which he names Audrey Junior, and brings it to work for a display to boost business. But in order to sustain the plant he must feed it blood, which sends Seymour on a comical killing spree OF WACKINESS!

Roger Corman, the master of the low budget, had a very vast filmography, of which I’ve only seen a fraction of. Of the films I have seen, Little Shop of Horrors is pretty easily the best. I probably should use that term loosely, but I actually enjoy this movie. It’s goofy and dumb, but there’s something endearingly aloof about it. And even if you didn’t care for it’s humor, hating on it is pretty cruel, because it’s like picking on a handicapped kid.

When I watch this movie through Rifftrax I find my attention bouncing forth between the two, because I’m amused by both. Normally the guys at Rifftrax are down on riffing movies that are meant to be comedies (especially ones that are as overt as this) because it’s hard to save failing comedy, so Little Shop of Horrors is an enigma in their library. I suspect it was forced upon them due to it being a popular public domain film and they try to work with it the best they can. All things considered, they do alright. Sometimes they even underline the comedic moment and make it funnier, while in others they fall in the pitfall of just saying “that’s not funny” in various ways.

Though I’ll say this one is not for Rifftrax novices. They’ve done some more solid work on other Corman features on Mystery Science Theater, such as It Conquered the World and The Undead. I’d suggest those before Little Shop.

*Okay, just one.

[Deleted]

Well, Mike did do a commentary track on Little Shop of Horrors for Legend Films' Colorized DVD and since the studio co-owned RiffTrax at the time, they probably forced the trio to do a 3-Riffer edition for that movie like they did with other Legend titles Mike tackled solo.

[Torgo]

Day Six:


Film Year: 1999
Director: David DeCoteau
Starring: Oh hai! It’s Mark from The Room!
Riff Year: 2017
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things

Every now and then you meet a child who forever changes your perception of how stupid a child can be. There's your second cousin's boy, Leon, who spends summer afternoons black-widow-huntin' in the woodpile. Or little cross-eyed Margie, with her affinity for drinking liters of pond water. And of course Stephen, the kid who insists Notes from Underground is Dostoevsky's finest literary accomplishment when it's clearly one of his mid-level works. I mean, honestly, Stephen, grow up.

But all of these little morons are blown away by the force of Reggie, star of Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things. Reggie sleepwalks through life. He's perpetually confused and overwhelmed by his bedroom full of toys, which are all in such sorry shape Goodwill employees would spit in your face if you attempted to donate them. Since his parents have given up on Reggie long ago, it's up to this deranged menagerie of busted junk to come to life and teach him threatening lessons. Yes, it's Toy Story on acid! But not the fun kind of acid, more like battery acid that spills out of an old remote control dog toy you haven't picked up in twelve years.

Mike, Kevin and Bill try to keep little Reggie from swallowing their keys while they watch Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things!

“The moral of the story is: set the bar real low so that people will be overjoyed when you stumble over it.”

Creepy as hell short that finds a child’s room coming alive because he never cleans it, and is harassed until he does. Terrifying and disturbing imagery is abound to the point where even David Cronenberg would be disgusted and disturbed.

This crazy short is given a first rate commentary, which only gets funnier the nuttier the film gets. Targets include our lazy main character Reggie, weird voice acting, and disturbing depictions of a room come alive. Basically it’s everything you’d expect and that’s definitely a recommendation.

And now our feature presentation…

Oh hai, direct-to-video prequel to C-list 90s horror movie franchise!

Greg Sestero, who you might know from such roles as Mark from The Room and Retro Puppet Master, stars in Retro Puppet Master! Learn the answers to all your burning Puppet Master questions like: “Where did he get the puppets?” (He already had them) and “What kind of drugs, Denny?” (It doesn’t matter)

To top it all off, Mark tries to pull off a French accent for the entire movie that somehow ends up sounding even faker and weirder than Tommy Wiseau’s. You know those videos where a dog is holding a huge stick in their mouth and trying to get through a doorway, but they can’t because the stick is too big? That’s what it’s like watch Mark attempt to act while simultaneously maintaining a “French” accent.

Fear not! No prior knowledge of the Puppet Master series is required. No, not even Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. Join Mike, Kevin, Chris R, and Bill for Retro Puppet Master.*

*Chris R was arrested before he was able to record. Mark assures us that “It’s clear.”



In case you were a little confused by the complex and engaging mythology of the original Puppet Master movie, there are about fifty prequels that delve into the marvelous world of this epic saga. This is one of them. We are introduced to Puppet Master Toulon and how he learned the power of soul transference into his ugly dolls from a sorcerer who stole the power from three mummies who chase after him disguised as Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (and yes you read that sentence right).

Yes, folks. I’m reduced to this. Part seven of a low-rent franchise that barely registers at all as horror.

And it’s a prequel.

And it’s direct to video.

And it’s a PG-13 follow-up to an R-rated series.

Oh boy! This is certainly going to be a winner!

I watched a bunch of Puppet Master movies years ago out of curiosity. I don’t remember if I made it this far, but if I did I was most likely looooooooooooong past the point of paying attention to the movie. I seem to remember moments of this movie, yet the things you would think I would remember, like the bad guys being mummies, I would have immediately recalled. But really the only Puppet Master movie I remember at all from that period is the original, and when I say I remember it I really mean I vaguely remember bits of it. For the life of me I couldn’t tell you the storyline.

Apparently they’re still making Puppet Master movies. I think that’s adorable. If they gave out a participant award for horror franchises it would most definitely win the trophy.

I don’t really have a lot to say about Retro Puppet Master. It’s boring and doesn’t have a personality. Most of the bad movie amusement factor comes from the godawful attempts at French accents and the fact that the villains are mummies. But at 90 minutes the film feels so damn padded. It feels like just an exercise to do a vintage story with a younger Toulon and seeing him first playing with soul puppets, but it didn’t really have much of a story to work around that. In short, even by Puppet Master standards (and those standards are pretty low), this one isn’t very good.

This is a Rifftrax I haven’t seen before and knowing how doofy this series can be made me anticipate my first viewing of it. Unfortunately I’m not convinced they picked the right Puppet Master movie for this riff. Retro is pretty bad and has some silly stuff in it, but it has no flavor. Some of the earlier Puppet Master films might have inspired a bit more creativity from our riffers.

That said, Mike, Kevin, and Bill have a case of the giggles in this riff. They crack up at each other a lot, which adds a bit to the experience because if they’re having fun, the audience is having fun. This Retro riff has moments where it is gutbusting, but mostly dies down to a mild chuckle through most of the runtime. I’d probably recommend this riff the most to people who are familiar with Puppet Master because you’ll appreciate them riffing this particular Puppet Master film more than your average Rifftrax fan. If you are a Puppet Master virgin then you might not get a lot out of them riffing this film except just some middling to good comedy.

[Torgo]

Day Seven:


Film Year: 2004
Director: Takashi Shimizu
Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jason Behr, Bill Pullman, Ted Raimi, Takako Fuji
Riff Year: 2006
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
Selected Short: What I We Had a Fire? (also riffed by Bill Corbett)

Some questions are as old as time. “Why are we here?” “Can love really last?” “Who let the dogs out?” “Is corn grass?” But there’s one ancient question that’s sure to chill you to the bone, when asked creepily by your five-year-old after a long pregnant pause: What If We Had A Fire? It’s a simple query that can draw a lot of attention: just ask a certain Floridian minister who was recently in the news.

But while the question of “who didn’t start the fire?” was well and thoroughly answered by the esteemed Mr. Joel, this matter has gone woefully unaddressed. No longer! The young star of our film goes after the issue head-on, inspired by the scorched home of one of his classmates. Undistracted by the question of “Should We Try To Help The Recently Displaced Family of My Classmate?” our boy says, hey, what about ME? His parents promptly send him off to seek answers at the fire station, so they can work on the new insurance scam their son’s question has inspired. “Honey, what if we had a fire? Maybe then I could get that Camaro I’ve always wanted!”

Pretty much every party Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever attended has ended with the question What If We Had A Fire?

In honor of today’s movie’s flaming climax, I thought we could all use a lesson in fire safety in case we were chased by ghouls and burned our house down to stop the madness. Fortunately for the family here there are no vengeful spirits haunting this family, but they want to have a fire plan because it’s better to be prepared.

The riffing is devilish and a dark, with a lot of stabs at pyromania taking center stage. They question the effectiveness of the fire plan as well as dishing out more potential obstacles in their way. This is definitely a short classic.

And now our feature presentation...

The scariest thing to come out of Japan since Pink Lady, The Grudge tells the story of a young woman who travels to Japan with her underwear-sniffing boyfriend and soon finds herself in the clutches of an evil curse (as if having an underwear-sniffing boyfriend wasn't bad enough).

Bill Pullman co-stars, sort of, in that he speaks several lines of dialogue. In contrast to a high body count slasher film, The Grudge is infused with a suffocating sense of dread, very much like an average episode of According to Jim. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson settle their own grudge in this not-to-be-missed RiffTrax.



“Yes, we get it! You can do a killer impersonation of the Little Rascals’ Froggy!”

Maybe it’s because the last movie I watched was Retro Puppet Master, but this movie is actually a cool horror ride. I personally was never one of those people who praised The Ring as a horror masterpiece (I find it nonsensical and uninteresting), I wasn’t really invested in the J-horror invasion by the time the American leap was made for the Ju-On series, which begat The Grudge. I watched the movie on home video after it’s theatrical run and dug it. Years later I checked out the Japanese films and they’re honestly among the very few movies in the last twenty years to give me the heebie jeebies (and yes, I’ve seen The Conjuring and no it wasn’t scary though it was mostly fine). I think mostly I’ve spoiled myself so much on technical knowledge of filmmaking that it’s hard for me to picture any sort of film as not “staged” in some manner, which steals the effectiveness on the horror genre. Yet there was something about Ju-On that got under my skin and continues to.

This simple haunted house tale has Sarah Michelle Gellar as a caregiver who tends to an old lady living in the local “murder house.” She becomes haunted by the spooks that live inside, as they mentally screw with and eventually kill her and anyone else who enters.

It might go without saying that the original films are superior. While there’s a certain technical polish that improves the look of select copied scares in this film, the rawness of the Japanese films enhance the dread, which is what these films thrive on. Furthermore the nonlinear structure is clearer in the Japanese films, which are presented as a series of short stories. It’s not hard to figure out that something similar is happening in this film, but it’s structure is nevertheless weird. Plus seeing Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire Slayer for seven years does the film no favors, as she’s thrust into a role where she faces ghouls and plays the helpless victim. That’s just not Buffy, man!

And then there’s the fact that it’s a film taking place in Japan, centered on people who live in Japan, and the characters just happen to almost all be English speaking Caucasians. So...WTF?

But alas, while it’s an inferior product, director Takashi Shimizu (who also helmed the original films) knows mood and atmosphere if nothing else. The movie makes me feel everything about it, and when a movie makes me feel something at all I consider that a win.

I tell you, the only time I feel more dread than this is when I see Adam Sandler has a new movie on Netflix.

As for the riffing, “levity” is the word of the day. Mike and Kevin see the film’s mood and raise the stakes with a lighthearted attitude toward it. There is some great material when the two are debating the logic and storyline of the movie at several points. One of my favorite moments comes a half hour in in which Kevin is confused how the ghosts are killing people, and Mike points out the obviousness of the little boy ghost Toshio killing people by “opening his mouth” at them. They also grant some great potshots at just how slow people seem to walk in the movie.

There are moments of laughs, but for the most part this Trax just amuses at a casual pace. The movie gives them plenty of openings, and there is plenty of silence for them to get their material in, but are usually huge gaps in between the well placed zings. They keep the mood of the piece as playful as possible, but overall sometimes they just seem frustrated at the film’s lack of momentum and just say something to the effect of “GRUDGE SOMETHING!” When the riffers claim boredom is always my least favorite kind of riff, because it lacks in creativity and honestly reeks of desperation.

That said, this one is fun mostly, it just isn’t a laugh riot. And the movie is a good watch too, so I’d say I came out of this viewing with a positive outlook.

Incidentally, and spoiler alert by the way, during the film’s opening scene where Bill Pullman commits suicide by jumping out of a window, they comment that they doubted it would kill Pullman though it might do in Bill Paxton. I said to myself “too soon!” before I remembered this was recorded ten years ago.

[Torgo]

Day Eight:


Film Year: 1993
Director: Fred Walton
Starring: Carol Kane, Charles Durning, Jill Schoelen
Riff Year: 2013
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Telephone for Help

What would you do if you visited an elderly aunt only to find her injured on the floor? Would you regret that you had not been there when she fell from the stepladder, because if you had you could have captured the hilarious moment on video? Uploaded the video to YouTube, to see it become an instant sensation? Then awaited the inevitable dance remix, complete with her auto-tuned screams? And then finally felt a sense of culminated pride when a friend sent you a link to that same remix being played at someone’s wedding? Which you sneakily watched on your Smartphone while visiting your injured aunt in the hospital?

Well, naturally, all of that would be the correct answer in today’s world. But Telephone For Help comes from a simpler time, a time when phones were shackled to walls via so-called “wires” and could only be used for boring, mundane things like calling for help (or as a platform for the work of important artists like The Jerky Boys). Thrill at the injuries! Shudder in suspense as the dim-witted children decide whether or not to use the phone! Sweat your face off as you watch an emergency response team so slow they surely inspired the Public Enemy classic “9-1-1 Is A Joke”!

Mike, Kevin, and Bill were gonna Telephone For Help but they accidentally spent three hours looking for the highest-quality “Bed Intruder remix” ringtone instead.

It’s important to learn how to call for help. However I doubt everyone would in real life be as apathetic about it as they are in this educational short. Even a poor mother who fell off a ladder and is probably paralyzed from the neck down can only muster up the enthusiasm to casually say “please call for help” in a matter of fact tone. And of course the children call the emergency line, but always sound as if they vaguely remember while they’re dialing 911 in the first place. I know you’re not supposed to panic in a time of emergency but yeesh.

I knew I was going to love this one as that crippled mother asked her son to phone the police and Kevin followed her line up with “and don’t call for Batman this time.” While the riffers don’t quite comment on the bad acting they seem to pick up on the casual disinterest of it, and respond by characterizing almost every person as apathetic as possible. This short is wildly funny.

And now our feature presentation...

Contains scenes of nudity. (Fortunately, not Charles Durning.)


The sequel is coming from inside the house! That’s right, one of the tiredest pop culture tropes of all time finally gets a sequel! And you’ll never believe where the calls are coming from this time (because it’s a really, really stupid reveal. We’re talking the end of Signs level stupid.)

Julia is a babysitter, whose motto was evidently “Charisma free child care or your money back!” Her plan to put the kids to bed and then spend an evening quietly enjoying a glass of water is disrupted when a stranger comes to her door. He has a chilling request: he needs her to call the auto club because his car is broken down. Julia responds as anyone would: by lapsing into a hysterical panic attack while the poor guy trudges four miles to a gas station and misses his kid’s birthday party. We’re just kidding of course, he actually is a maniac and he kidnaps both the kids and they’re never seen again.

Traumatized by the incident, Julia responds by growing a Joe Dirt level mullet and enrolling in a small liberal arts college. (Experts strongly recommend you do neither of these things, but if you must choose just one, they tentatively recommend the mullet.) Everything is going just fine until one day she notices that small objects in her apartment are not where she left them. Cue hysterical panic attack. She’s really a charmer, this Julia.

Fortunately, she’s got Charles Durning and Carol Kane to help her. Durning appears to have gotten over Doc Hopper’s failure to sign Kermit The Frog as spokesperson by eating the Electric Mayhem Band and Kane looks appropriately traumatized for someone who had to play the wife of both Billy Crystal AND Andy Kaufman. At one point, in one of the most terrifying and disturbing scenes ever filmed, Charles Durning goes to a strip club to watch a ventriloquist act.

With Mike, Kevin and Bill there to riff, When A Stranger Calls Back will have you holding the line...for hilarity! (The writer of the previous sentence has been fired and is currently working as a strip club ventriloquist.)

Note: This RiffTrax was already underway before Mr. Durning passed away. As Mike wrote back in 2008, we here at RiffTrax stand in awe of his service.



Confession: I hadn’t seen the original When a Stranger Calls until I decided to put this Rifftrax in the lineup. I had seen the remake about ten years ago, but from what I remember of it I’m assuming that doesn’t count. Considering it has something of an iconic status I decided to remedy that tonight, making this something of a double feature. During the film’s iconic opening twenty minutes I was stunned by how good it was and how intense I found it, and I was totally won over by the non-stop thrill ride of When a Stranger Calls.

Then the rest of the movie happened, and a great movie turned into an adequately competent one. I’ve never seen a movie peak and plummet so hard in my life.

When a Stranger Calls Back is the made for TV sequel nobody asked for, but it’s from the original film’s director and reunites it’s original stars, so maybe there’s something here worth salvaging. It becomes clear after a while that the movie repeats the first movie’s problematic plot structure, even if that means shooting itself in the foot as well. There’s a lengthy opening prologue of a babysitter being harassed by a stranger, and contrary to the title he only calls once then cuts the phone line (there is no calling back). He kills the children she is babysitting and the babysitter gets away, leading to a time jump many years later where he harasses her again because he has nothing better to do.

The fact that the stranger in the original film was clearly psychotic makes the original film work, even if it lost its chance at greatness. Calls Back loses me with just how bizarrely elaborate and planned out the new stranger’s plan is and he is honestly doing it for no reason at all. The more we find out about this guy it seems the less he is characterized, which is really unique screenwriting if you think about it. It’s never explained why he is after the babysitter and/or why he knows who the characters from the original film are and for some reason seeks out killing them as well. All we really find out about him is that he is a “performance artist” ventriloquist. And he’s a bit of an asshat.

Really, the more I think about this movie the less it makes sense. So I better start concentrating on the Rifftrax sooner rather than later. And the good news is that this is a really funny one. After the last few nights of middling to fairly funny riffs it was good to pop in one I had never seen before and just laugh myself silly. What I like about this riff in particular is that they’re given a really self serious and dumb movie and they just go full on goofball with it. I laughed really hard during the opening “stranger call” and Mike plays the voice as Ghostface from Scream dialing the wrong number. As the movie threatens to become more boring after the opening scene the riffers are just good enough to keep our attention for the remaining hour. Though while the laughs die down a bit in the climax, the stranger’s camouflage method in the finale was funny enough on its own to keep me invested (and the riffers’ reactions are priceless as well).

Truth be told, this movie is a massive slog. If Mike, Kevin, and Bill didn’t bring the funny I might have turned it off. Luckily laughs are plentiful and we have a Rifftrax that I’ll definitely revisit.

[Torgo]

Day Nine:


Film Year: 2009
Director: Chris Weitz
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning
Riff Year: 2010
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: How Much Affection?

It's a question we ponder every time we tip the pizza guy: How much affection? Is it necessary to set the box down before embracing him? How long do you hold him, knowing that he has other deliveries to make? Can lower tips be compensated for with more affection?

How Much Affection? sadly touches on none of these issues; its Pizza Guy advice comes from the "30 Minutes or Free" era and is therefore quite out of date. What you will find in this short are dates that end in tears, sandwich making and a stern reminder of the potential Gerber-eating consequences of Too Much Affection.

Riffers Mike, Kevin and Bill differ wildly in their estimates of How Much Affection, but mostly because Bill insists on measuring affection using the metric system.

Sex is a terrifying and evil thing that must be stomped out at all costs. This twenty minute short from the the 1950’s aims to do just that. Here we have two teenagers on the verge of making whoopie, but torn apart by vows of abstinence. Will having sex destroy their relationship? Honestly with the way the short portrays them as uncomfortable around each other makes me think it would actually SAVE it!

But sex will bring babies upon the world. Babies are miraculous burdens that lead to misery. If you have one, you’re life will be ruined, but you will insist it’s the greatest joy you have ever known as you die a little every time you see that fake smile in the mirror. This is another moral the short tries to throw in your face.

The short is one of those ambiguous “you decide what’s right” messaged films that will clearly be disappointed in you if you make the wrong choice. The right choice for me is to watch it with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. Their riffs are steady and workmanlike, but sometimes hit their target of the old-timey values that make this short amusing today. Back then love was only for those who could keep it in their pants. As for today?

Well, how about that orgy?

And now our feature presentation...

Twi-Hard. A once proud word that has been shockingly cheapened by over-use. It used to mean something. These days, any given twelve year old girl with Team Edward wallpaper on her iPhone can be the star of a "Vampire Fever" cover story photo in USA Today. It's not right. Just because some soccer mom blows two months of grocery funds on an elaborate face tattoo replicating the iconic "Cullen baseball" scene, that DOES NOT make her a real Twi-Hard, okay? It's something you earn. It's something you live.

Forgive our emotion on this issue, but it's just that Mike, Kevin, and Bill are probably the biggest Twilight fans on the planet. Just survey Kristen Stewart's file of restraining order requests, and see which names pop up the most (Stephenie Meyer's file is alarmingly similar). So it should surprise no one that these three sparkly warriors trekked to the theater dozens upon dozens of times to feast upon the sweet succulent cinematic nectar that is New Moon. After the fourteenth viewing, the girl at the ticket counter was unable to make eye contact with them, muttering something about "grown men" under her breath. The pimply popcorn vendor filled his friends' inboxes with texts like "OMG third time today," while the theater janitor constantly fought the urge to beat them with his mop. In a word: epic.

But the shame they endured, along with the suffering of their long-neglected wives and children, is your gain. Thanks to these endless, obsessive, life-destroying viewings, Mike, Kevin, and Bill are able to present this RiffTrax of New Moon on the eve of its DVD release. Let's just hope that, now that the ride is over, they can put their lives back together once and for all (they're not making any more of these movies, right?).



Surely you didn’t think I was only doing one Twilight movie, didn’t you? Haha, you dumb bastard, it’s all or nothing. We’re going the distance, baby.

(Oh, I’ve wasted my life)

What can I say about New Moon? Well, if I say nothing else about it it’s a much prettier movie than the first one. The flick has some gorgeous cinematography and does some neat camera tricks. Objectively is it a better movie than the first? Well…………

Sorry, this is a long Twilight character pause, so give me twenty minutes and I’ll finish that thought.

The first Twilight movie is about a mopey girl who eases her depression with a fascination with a boy at school who happens to be a vampire. New Moon is about a mopey girl who eases her depression with a fascination with a boy at school who happens to be a werewolf. Sure there are new concepts of world building sprinkled about in this movie, and if you’re really into the mythology of Twilight that might be engaging, but this is essentially the same movie we’ve seen before. And in the end pretty much nothing happens in this movie. We meet werewolves and flaming vampire kings. That’s it. And this is the longest movie in the series.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

This is an inconsequential story that exists because people will buy it regardless of whether it’s good or not. It’s padded, bloated, boring, and a complete waste of time. From a technical perspective I can’t call it the worst Twilight movie, but in many ways it’s the easiest to resent because it exemplifies everything wrong with the franchise.

“Complete sentence?.......NO! She’s oh for fifty!”

Easing the boredom is this quality Rifftrax. One thing I will say right off the bat is that it’s not as good as the first one, not even close, but when the laughs peak the highs are just as gutbusting. Kristen Stewart’s stammering and just plain weird performance in this film is ripe for the mocking and the boys play with it like Jacob with a chew toy.

One thing for me that brings this Trax down is there are quite a few gay jokes in this one. There are a few homoerotic gags in the first, but New Moon is positively saturated with them. I don’t find this too much of a detraction, since they’re not hateful and are sometimes funny if they strike at the right moment, but they play like a safe go-to joke when nothing better is offered. The moment where these could be the strongest is during the Volturi scenes at the end, because these guys are the perfect match for this humor, but by the time we get there we’ve heard so many similar gags that they feel tiresome.

But overall New Moon is a worthy successor to the crown jewel of Rifftrax. It has moments where it lags often due to the bloat of the movie it’s linked to, but laughs await those who brave it. I’d suggest the first film for anyone who wants to sample Twilight Rifftrax over this, though.

[Torgo]

Day Ten:


Film Year: 1958
Director: William Castle
Starring: Vincent Price. Nobody cares about anybody else.
Riff Year: 2010 (also riffed in 2005 and 2009)
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett (and Paul F. Tompkins, kinda sorta)
Featured Shorts: Magical Disappearing Money, Paper and I (also riffed by Paul F. Tompkins)

Is there any possible downside to accepting an invitation from Vincent Price to spend an evening in a creepy mansion that was built on something called “Haunted Hill?” If so, Mike, Kevin and Bill couldn’t find it! In fact they were so eager to join Mr. Price and his terrifying moustache that they riffed the film live, on-stage, and now you can reap the rewards from the safety of home with this live show DVD!

Yes, horror classic House on Haunted Hill provides a mesmerizing walk down “people actually used to find this SCARY?!?” lane. Join the RiffTrax guys as they bring their special brand of rapid-fire comedic commentary to every skeleton-hanging-from-visible-wires, clumsy sexual overtone, and a stunningly inept test pilot whose “heroics” typically lead him to bloody his own nose after locking himself in a broom closet!

The guys are joined by guest riffer Paul F. Tompkins, comedy person extraordinaire and quite a snappy dresser to boot! They also riff two vintage, never-before-seen shorts live on-stage: Paper and I, in which a small boy is haunted by a talking paper bag, and Magical Disappearing Money, about a supermarket witch whose main concern is that you don’t spend too much on rice. No, seriously, that’s what they’re really about!

Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Paul for an unforgettable All Hallow’s Eve of mind-melting comedy!



One of Rifftrax’s earliest live shows, this 2010 Halloween special has a bit more flair than their more recent attempts, namely more than one short and a guest riffer. They were also partnered with Legend Films at this time, which loved to use Mike, Kevin, and Bill to show off their colonization process. Unlike Night of the Living Dead, this version of House on Haunted Hill was Legend’s colorized version, so no this isn’t the shittiest Technicolor you’ve ever seen. House on Haunted Hill doesn’t lose a lot in the transition, because it really isn’t that scary even in moodier black and white, but purists be warned. I’m annoyed by it, but it’s not a deal breaker.

But starting at the beginning, it’s Halloween and Mike, Kevin, and Bill waste no time introducing their Halloween costumes. After the intro they jump right into the first short called Magical Disappearing Money, which in my opinion is the better of the two shorts featured. In it a witch haunts a grocery store, makes everyone’s food disappear, and gives them a lesson on cost effective shopping. The short is cute in a Bewitched sort of way, but Mike, Kevin, and Bill put a satanic twist on it, giving the witch a hilariously demonic personality and making her shenanigans terrifying.

After the short they introduce Paul F. Tompkins, who has an amusing comical bit about a cliched horror movie scene that he dislikes. Afterward they roll Paper and I, a short about a sentient paper bag who gives a child a lesson in where paper comes from that he neither asked for nor wanted. Tompkins does well with the boys, but their riffs run a bit to similar to the previous, trying to play up the paper bag as an entity from hell. It’s funny, but it’s a bit tiresome, because we’ve seen shorts like this before both on Rifftrax and MST, and they’re usually riffed exactly the same.

For more Paul F. Tompkins, he was also brought back for 2017’s live show Summer Shorts Beach Party, where he joined the gang for two more shorts.

Moving on to the movie, here we have this rather inane film from 1958 about a morbid birthday bash at a supposed haunted house. Vincent Price hosts and invites a bunch of strangers because...whatever. But is the house really haunted? Is there a murderer among them? What follows is a series of twists, turns, and “oh come on” moments.

Admittedly I have seen next to nothing of William Castle’s “spook”-tabular filmography. I saw this movie many years ago and thought it was stupid. But I saw 13 Ghosts last year and thought it was fun. I might need to see more to get a feel for him, but House on Haunted Hill seems to be his best known/beloved film, so if this is as good as it gets I’m not sure I want to delve deeper.

What I do know is that it just isn’t October unless you watch something with Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, or Vincent Price. Lugosi has some riffed material out there while Karloff has been granted mercy for years despite having some dogs on his resume. I think this is Price’s only riffed film (I could be wrong), but I decided to throw this into my Schlocktober bash because it’s pretty well known. Possibly due to its public domain status, and also partially because it was remade in 1999.

But say what you will about this movie, but at least it’s better than the unwatchable remake.

However I can say a lot about this movie. It for the most part makes no sense once revelations start pouring in by the bucket full. It might have played better had they gone whole hog on the haunted house aspect instead of introducing a needlessly complicated and underdeveloped murder plot. Everyone here is at their hammiest, with Vincent Price being more Vincent Price than you could possibly imagine Vincent Price being. There’s so much sensuality for the macabre here, and that’s the way Price fans like it.

For quite a while this was one of my favorite live shows. I think a few shows have topped it since, with my current reigning king being this year’s Samurai Cop, but this is still a fun one. The movie is so deliciously outdated that watching it with an audience is a hoot. The riffing itself gains momentum the crazier the film gets to the point where gags are rapid fire and constantly hilarious. The leprechaun quips alone are worth the price of admission.

One pleasure of these early live shows is that there’s more of an attempt to up the ante and put on something showier than newer shows. For example during a talkier section of the movie the boys put on a skit where they fire Kevin and replace him with Paul F. Tompkins. Having not been up to speed on the movie, Tompkins fails miserably and is booted off leading to them to invite Kevin back. Stuff like this is fun and it keeps me coming back to these shows even all these years later. And of the earliest shows, House on Haunted Hill stands proud among them.

[Afgncaap5]

Haven't said much here, but I'm loving this series. A lot of old favorites, and what look like some great gems I've just gotta see.

[Torgo]

Day Eleven:


Film Year: 1983
Director: Richard Franklin
Starring: Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles, Meg Tilly, Robert Loggia, Dennis Franz
Riff Year: 2013
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Krasner, Norman: Beloved Husband of Irma

Folks, there is no dancing around this issue: the plot of the first ever Norman short is that Norman uses a public restroom. Is this a pleasant experience for Norman? How dare you ask that question. This is Norman we are talking about. Having bad experiences with toilets is the closest thing he has to a personality.

Fortunately, the director made the choice to film the entire short in stark black and white, to really amp up the despair factor, and also the sense that this might have all been found footage from a restroom surveillance camera. This lends the short a noir-ish, Bergman-esque touch to scenes such as Norman begging for change in a public restroom, and Norman overflowing the toilet.

Fans of Norman should grunt, groan, and probably steer clear of the can for at least half an hour after Norman’s been in there in what is truly one of the top three shorts where Norman roots around in a toilet. See where it all began in: Norman Krasner.

Well, since we’re watching film’s most famous Norman today it seems fit that we start tonight off with Rifftrax’s favorite Norman.

I hadn’t seen this short before now, and I was curious as to why it wasn’t riffed in a live show like other Norman shorts. Now I have a rough idea. It’s not very amusing, and it’s honestly a little gross. Pretty much the entire short is devoted to Norman taking a dump. We watch him look for change to get into the stall, sit on the toilet for several minutes, look for toilet paper, let it overflow, and finally he gets locked in. There’s even a strange moment in which he is propositioned by the man in the next stall. It’s not Norman’s finest hour, and I’m left wondering how this could spark such a strange short series.

The riffing is par for a Norman short, as they pretty much just heckle him mercilessly. Honestly I was so turned off by the short that the riffs were drowned out as I just tuned out of the entire thing.

And now our feature presentation...

Turns out hilarious re-imaginings of classic Hitchcock movies aren’t just for James Nguyen! They even dug up the original Norman Bates (aka, Anthony Perkins, you may know him from his other work in just kidding, obviously, just kidding) and his momma (quite literally) for this one! Not to mention the Motel and roadside homestead, and even the iconic shower scene! Because, when you see a timeless thriller beloved by millions, the thing you want most is to follow it with a sequel 22 years later that pays homage by just whizzing all over it in every way possible.

Norman gets released home to his family crime scene with some help from psychiatrist Robert Loggia, who’s tough and cool as always, but utterly inept as a psychiatrist. Despite the fact that Norman’s killing spree would’ve made national news, with college kids wearing ironic t-shirts of him in his mother’s dress by now, very few folks in his sleepy hometown seem to remember him at all. And those that do are eager to give him a job, or, in the case of Meg Tilly, go back to his home and spend the night, just for funsies. Only Dennis Franz (and, presumably, his bare bottom) is suspicious of the man who IS STILL OBVIOUSLY INSANE. But hey, who knows, maybe Norman’s fine now? JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, JUST KIDDING, HE’S STILL NUTS AND TELLS THEM SO HIMSELF MULTIPLE TIMES.

Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for Psycho II, and turn the crank on Hitchcock’s grave one more time!



The closest they ever got to riffing Alfred Hitchcock. Actually technically they do riff Hitchcock here, since the first few minutes of this film are footage from the original’s famous shower scene. But most of the jabs in that scene are mocking Psycho II for daring to feature footage from the classic.

But really the one thing that I can’t stop thinking when watching this movie is that it is way better than a Psycho II had any right to be. Most of its inadequacies come from comparing it to Hitchcock’s tight and calculated original. And yes, it’s nowhere near as artistic as its predecessor. But considering this was made during the wave of the 80’s slasher boom, and instead of taking the easy route of typical gore fest they come up with an interesting story and keep it psychological.

Psycho II sees Norman Bates rehabilitated and trying to rebuild his life. He returns to reopen his motel but finds the world rallying against him. Eventually he begins hearing voices from mother again. There’s an interesting commentary in this film about someone who did horrible things and trying to move past them only to see that very few people will let him, treating him like a monster and leading to a monster being awakened. It’s a story that I think has immense power and it’s one that keeps me coming back to Psycho II almost as much as the first.

Not to say that the movie is perfect. As it unfolds some logic flaws take shape. Plus the twist of Norman’s “mother” in this film is a bit unwelcome, because it cheapens Norman’s relationship with his mother in the first film. But Psycho II is a very smart movie with a story that I think is far more interesting than most thrillers.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill however don’t see it that way. They accuse the film of desecrating Hitchcock’s original and provoke Norman to the point where they almost blend in with the townspeople who hate him. This riffing style is strange to me, because they’re feeding into the subtext of the movie while being somewhat oblivious to it. I think these riffs would be better suited to Psycho III instead of II, where Norman is clearly crazy from the get go. But even taking Psycho II’s riff by itself, they repeat these riffs to the point of monotony. There’s not enough variety in this release to be fully recommended.

Sometimes their “Hitchcock is rolling over in his grave” jokes land. Sometimes their “Norman is cuckoo and deserves to be locked up” jabs get a chuckle. I wish there was more to it than that personally. I’m pretty sure Hitchcock would have hated Psycho II (or actually I theorize he probably wouldn’t have seen it), but even as somebody who enjoys this movie I find myself disappointed that they couldn’t do something funnier with it. This Rifftrax has it’s moments, but doesn’t deliver the goods.

[Torgo]

Day Twelve:


Film Year: 2008
Director: Matt Reeves
Starring: Michael Stahl-David, TJ Miller, Jessica Lucas, Odette Yustman, Lizzy Caplin
Riff Year: 2008
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle

Can genius be taught? It is one of the great philosophical questions. With enough time, patience, and dedication, can the next Van Gogh be created? Or is the mastery of an artistic discipline something that only a few people are born with the inherent capacity for? The producers of the series Drawing for Beginners believe that a great artist lurks inside all of us, and with the proper attention and guidance, it may one day emerge like a beautiful butterfly, to bestow artistic gifts unto humanity the likes of which the world has never seen.

Step one? Rectangles! Four lines, four right angles. Sounds easy right? WRONG! Improperly drawn rectangles are the second most common mistake witnessed by elementary school art teachers, right behind birds in the shape of lower case m's which most biologists agree make no evolutionary sense. It turns out rectangles are the foundation of all art. Don't believe us? What do the Mona Lisa, American Gothic and The Scream all have in common? Innovations in painted light, aerial perspective and irony? WRONG! The answer is rectangular frames! The next time you're in the Sistine Chapel, why don't you look up at the ceiling and tell us what shapes you see up there. Hint: not rhombuses. Still don't believe us? Pull a DVD off your shelf. Yeah, that one will do. Wait, is that...you own What About Bob? on DVD? No, no, I'm not saying it's bad, it just doesn't seem like the kind of movie you'd really want to watch repeatedly. Well, saying it's a gift doesn't exactly explain it, the person who gave it to you would still have to assume that you would want to - LOOK, the point is, what shape is the box? A rectangle! Art! Rectangles! They just go together!

It therefore goes without saying that if you want to create art, you better damn well learn to draw your rectangles. And Drawing For Beginners: The Rectangle is as good a jumping off point as any...for weeding out the dullards who actually need instruction about drawing rectangles and who clearly have no business ever picking up an artistic implement of any type, lest they injure themselves or others. Maybe they'd be happier watching the Number Munchers demo screen.
Mike, Kevin and Bill take pen in hand and do some old fashioned rectanglin' in Drawing For Beginners: The Rectangle!



It should speak volumes of how I feel about this movie that I chose to pair it up with the most rudimentary short Rifftrax has ever done. Honestly, I think this short might be more interesting so maybe I’m giving this movie too much credit.

Have you ever thought about how many things you can draw with rectangles? Wonder no more because this short will let your imagination fly! We’ll draw houses, flags, windows, and many others! This short is meant for beginning artists to show them what can be accomplished with simple shapes, and it gets the point across really well. I imagine we’re supposed to draw along, but I left my paper at home.

“And now for a real challenge we’re going to draw a brick!”

But the simplicity of the short is under full attack by Mike, Kevin, and Bill, as they narrate along that first you must master breathing to attempt to draw a rectangle, while Kevin panics because he never learned how paper works. Their joshing of the short’s innocence is very funny throughout the ten minutes it lasts.

If you’re a Rifftrax fan and you haven’t checked out Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle yet, quit being such a square.

And now our feature presentation...

"What if a monster attacked a city?" This is the shockingly novel concept behind the viral marketing triumph of the year! Filled with "fresh"* performances and "authentic"** cinematography, Cloverfield masterfully takes a page from The Blair Witch Project, reworking the "snotty 20-somethings endure trauma while repeatedly saying 'dude'" genre into something unique while still being very much the same. Look for star turns by That Girl Who Was in Mean Girls and That One Dude Who Played Eric in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Mike, Kevin and Bill's RiffTrax was found by the Department of Defense (and then thrown away, but we dug it out of a garbage can.)

*Not very good.

**Not good at all.



I recall seeing the first trailer for this movie with Transformers way back in 2007. You know, that one that didn’t have a title and drove everybody nuts. Honestly, I thought the trailer wasn’t very good or memorable at all, but the explosion of “WHAT IS THE TITLELESS MOVIE?” became an internet obsession. That might have been a tactical move on the part of the marketing, hook people with the mystery of the title and they won’t care that the movie looks like ass.

And eventually the title came out as Cloverfield, and a resounding “lolwut” was heard across the land. And yet, the movie had already gotten suckers invested in it, obsessed with the movie’s “mythology” even though the film doesn’t really have one in the final product. The continued obsession with this movie is both puzzling and kind of funny because the movie feels so undercooked yet people analyze the hell out of this thing.

This is really only the third time I’ve watched the movie. The first was because I was seeing a girl who wanted to see it when it came out and the second was when the Rifftrax for it was released. I was curious to see if my reaction was the same after all that annoying hype long since died down nearly a decade prior. After all, as a fan of giant monster movies I do want to like this movie (just like I want to like Peter Jackson’s King Kong, though that’s never quite panned out for me either). While I find my feeling to be softer than the intense loathing I used to have for it, this is still a really dumb movie. I see glimmers of where the idea of a civilian eye point of view of a monster attack might be an interesting movie to make, but there’s so little here to make it a worthwhile experience. I don’t give a crap about this cardboard love story between a nimrod and his “not-my-girlfriend-but-maybe” and his quest to find her. I have even less interest in this dumber than a bag of hammers cameraman and his inability to leave the camera behind despite common sense. There’s nothing here for me to latch onto except my love of giant monsters, and even that is botched by the constant cutting away from the creature and the really shitty creature design, which makes me glad it’s barely shown.

The most I got out of revisiting this movie all these years later is discovering that I actually recognize the people who starred in it from more than just this movie now. It wasn’t until today that I found out the moron with the camera in this movie is TJ Miller, who went on to roles in Deadpool, How to Train Your Dragon, and Big Hero 6. Lizzy Caplin I suppose has a fan base now, though I mostly recognize her from the mediocre Seth Rogen comedy The Interview. Jessica Lucas went on to do the remake of Evil Dead and became a recurring character on Gotham. Odette (Yustman) Annable was on shows I used to watch like Breaking In and House, and I even just saw her on this week’s season premiere of Supergirl. Seriously, the cast of this movie needs to stop spreading like a virus.

“Wow! It looks so real because it’s shot so poorly!”

I remember thinking very highly of this Rifftrax when it was first released, so it had a lot to live up to in my memory. Of course, in the back of my mind I was always afraid to revisit this one out of fear that I would discover that I only liked it because I hated the movie so much back then. Revisiting this Rifftrax however proved to be a joyous romp through a dimwitted movie by three guys who exist to point out the stupidity that’s playing out onscreen. Mike, Kevin, and Bill question the logic behind everything these idiots do, ESPECIALLY the use of the camera. The precision of their comments do wonders for making this unbearable movie entertaining.

And yet I still wonder if my love for the Rifftrax is because I just have a deep rooted desire to see this movie mocked. But by comparison, recently I just watched the Rifftrax for The Hunger Games for the first time, which is a movie I despise even more than Cloverfield. While I thought it was good and they definitely poked fun of elements of the film I thought were silly, it never really made me laugh as consistently as this Rifftrax. But whatever the reason is for me loving this commentary so, it certainly is a giddy pleasure to see this movie dragged out in the street and revealed for what it really is, but alas that’s just preaching to the choir.

If I were to say anything against this Rifftrax it would be that paying attention to both the riff and the film is damn near impossible. The movie starts out with a lot of dialogue and it throws it at the viewer at top speed, while most of the riffs talk over it. And what’s worse is that the audio quality varies a lot, which makes syncing the Rifftrax a bit of a bitch because it’s hard to make out most of the checkpoint lines. This is definitely a riff that benefits from having seen the movie beforehand, and if you haven’t then I recommend putting the subtitles on. Having not seen the movie in years I started out this Rifftrax pretty dazed from trying to listen to both the riffs and the heavy handed spoonfeeding of the plot simultaneously.

But I’m going to say yes, I still love this Rifftrax. I may not hate the movie as much as I used to (it’s just kinda laughably stupid now), but it’s well suited to the treatment throughout the final three-quarters of the film. This is definitely a must see for riffing fans.