Post by mythew on Apr 13, 2006 20:45:22 GMT -5
Once upon what seems like a million years ago, in a msg board far, far away, someone posted the simple question: "What if lord of the rings had been written by someone else?"
I penned a few of knock offs of my favorite authors from Terry Pratchett (Diskworld), to Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes). But this one has always remained my favorite.
Had I known of this boards existence, I would have posted it then. But I'm here now, so here we go.
If BestBrains did Lord of the Rings...
Submitted by Mythew
LotR MST3K style.
In the not too distant future
Or maybe in the past
There was a guy named Gandalf
Who had a pointy hat.
He worked at the tower of Isengard
Just another guy with a long gray beard
He did a good job and had lots of power
But his boss didn’t like him so he
Trapped him a’top the tower.
“I’ll make a an Ork like Army
and call them the Uruk-hai
La La La
I’ll send them after the One Ring
‘cause I’m not a real nice guy.”
La La La
Now keep in mind Gandalf Can’t tell
how far the plot extends,
But he’ll try to foil all of them
With the help of his Hobbit Friends.
Fellowship Roll Call!
Merry
(Are we there yet?)
Pippin
(MUSHROOMS!)
Samwise
(Whatever you say Mr. Frodo)
Frodooooooo
(Dumb stupidy stinky Ring)
If you’re wonder what the big deal is
And other plot related facts.
La La La
Just repeat to your self “It’s a Tolkien thing,
I should really just relax.”
For Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the rings: Expanded ediiiitionnnn.
(Twang)
(Door sequence.
Hobbit hole, knocking over Bilbo and a plate of food.
Rivendell
The Gates of Moria.
Lothlorien
Amon Hen
Isenguard
Pan back to reveal two figures standing in front of a Palantir. One Stocky man in White robes itching a fake white beard. A large curl of white hair hangs over his broad forehead. The second is a Tall thin fellow in a long green coat with a huge red eye badge over the pocket protector.)
Dr. Sauron: Ah, Hello Boobies. And welcome to the Ultimate Blasphemy.
(Trapped in Moria: Joel Hodgeson in a very fake gray beard stands with the “Hobbits” ie Tom Servo and Crow with floppy curly hair wigs and vests.
Joel the Gray: Oh, it the evil overlords again.
(Isenguard)
Dr Sauron: That’s DARK evil overlord to you! I see you’ve escaped TV’s Saruman, but that’s not a big surprise. I knew I should never have subcontracted the job out to an idiot like him.
TV’s Saruman: Hey Steve! The Uruk-hai Union rep is here and he wants to talk to you about “Over time pay”.
Dr. Sauron, rolling his eyes: Not Now Saruman! Can’t you see I’m trying to take over the WORLD HERE! Anyway, Gandalf, with the aid of this little trinket I’ve devised a plan so terrible, so insidious, so evil it even creeps me out.
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: Uh, ok, so what is it this time? Army of Orks? More black riders?
Frodo Crow: Amway salesmen?
Samwise Servo: Privatizing Health care?
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron: Oh it’s much worse than that. As you know Gondor has been a thorn in my side for far to long! So with the Palantir, I’ve managed to get into the head of the Steward of Gondor and turn his mind to marmalade with reruns of “Three’s Company”.
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: You Fiend! That IS evil!
Frodo Crow: Oh I dunno, it could have been worse.
Samwise Servo: How?
Frodo Crow: It could have been reruns of “She’s the Sheriff.”
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron: Good idea, RingBot, but I already used that on Gollum. For you however, I have something far worse in mind. Apart from the usual Middle Earth monsters, I’ve assembled an army of Bad Film Actors to combat you and your “Fellowship” at every turn! In fact, I’ve given the Orks in Moria Joe Don Baker to help destroy you! Mwahahaha!
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: Joe Don Baker? I thought that was a Cave Troll.
Frodo Crow: Yeah, we whooped him already, what else have you got?
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron flipping through a note book: Ah Poopie. The only other thing I’ve got down there is a Barlog with heartburn and bad breath. (tossing the notebook over his shoulder) We’ll just see how you deal with that then. And when you’re defeated I shall Rule the World! Hahahahaha! Mwahahahaha!
TV’s Saruman: Steve! They say they get tomorrow of for the feast of the Deep Ones too. You really should talk to these guys!
Dr. Sauron: Shut up you Ninny!
(Moria)
(Lights and alarms)
Gandalf: We got Expanded Edition Sign!
I penned a few of knock offs of my favorite authors from Terry Pratchett (Diskworld), to Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes). But this one has always remained my favorite.
Had I known of this boards existence, I would have posted it then. But I'm here now, so here we go.
If BestBrains did Lord of the Rings...
Submitted by Mythew
LotR MST3K style.
In the not too distant future
Or maybe in the past
There was a guy named Gandalf
Who had a pointy hat.
He worked at the tower of Isengard
Just another guy with a long gray beard
He did a good job and had lots of power
But his boss didn’t like him so he
Trapped him a’top the tower.
“I’ll make a an Ork like Army
and call them the Uruk-hai
La La La
I’ll send them after the One Ring
‘cause I’m not a real nice guy.”
La La La
Now keep in mind Gandalf Can’t tell
how far the plot extends,
But he’ll try to foil all of them
With the help of his Hobbit Friends.
Fellowship Roll Call!
Merry
(Are we there yet?)
Pippin
(MUSHROOMS!)
Samwise
(Whatever you say Mr. Frodo)
Frodooooooo
(Dumb stupidy stinky Ring)
If you’re wonder what the big deal is
And other plot related facts.
La La La
Just repeat to your self “It’s a Tolkien thing,
I should really just relax.”
For Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the rings: Expanded ediiiitionnnn.
(Twang)
(Door sequence.
Hobbit hole, knocking over Bilbo and a plate of food.
Rivendell
The Gates of Moria.
Lothlorien
Amon Hen
Isenguard
Pan back to reveal two figures standing in front of a Palantir. One Stocky man in White robes itching a fake white beard. A large curl of white hair hangs over his broad forehead. The second is a Tall thin fellow in a long green coat with a huge red eye badge over the pocket protector.)
Dr. Sauron: Ah, Hello Boobies. And welcome to the Ultimate Blasphemy.
(Trapped in Moria: Joel Hodgeson in a very fake gray beard stands with the “Hobbits” ie Tom Servo and Crow with floppy curly hair wigs and vests.
Joel the Gray: Oh, it the evil overlords again.
(Isenguard)
Dr Sauron: That’s DARK evil overlord to you! I see you’ve escaped TV’s Saruman, but that’s not a big surprise. I knew I should never have subcontracted the job out to an idiot like him.
TV’s Saruman: Hey Steve! The Uruk-hai Union rep is here and he wants to talk to you about “Over time pay”.
Dr. Sauron, rolling his eyes: Not Now Saruman! Can’t you see I’m trying to take over the WORLD HERE! Anyway, Gandalf, with the aid of this little trinket I’ve devised a plan so terrible, so insidious, so evil it even creeps me out.
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: Uh, ok, so what is it this time? Army of Orks? More black riders?
Frodo Crow: Amway salesmen?
Samwise Servo: Privatizing Health care?
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron: Oh it’s much worse than that. As you know Gondor has been a thorn in my side for far to long! So with the Palantir, I’ve managed to get into the head of the Steward of Gondor and turn his mind to marmalade with reruns of “Three’s Company”.
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: You Fiend! That IS evil!
Frodo Crow: Oh I dunno, it could have been worse.
Samwise Servo: How?
Frodo Crow: It could have been reruns of “She’s the Sheriff.”
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron: Good idea, RingBot, but I already used that on Gollum. For you however, I have something far worse in mind. Apart from the usual Middle Earth monsters, I’ve assembled an army of Bad Film Actors to combat you and your “Fellowship” at every turn! In fact, I’ve given the Orks in Moria Joe Don Baker to help destroy you! Mwahahaha!
(Moria)
Joel the Gray: Joe Don Baker? I thought that was a Cave Troll.
Frodo Crow: Yeah, we whooped him already, what else have you got?
(Isenguard)
Dr. Sauron flipping through a note book: Ah Poopie. The only other thing I’ve got down there is a Barlog with heartburn and bad breath. (tossing the notebook over his shoulder) We’ll just see how you deal with that then. And when you’re defeated I shall Rule the World! Hahahahaha! Mwahahahaha!
TV’s Saruman: Steve! They say they get tomorrow of for the feast of the Deep Ones too. You really should talk to these guys!
Dr. Sauron: Shut up you Ninny!
(Moria)
(Lights and alarms)
Gandalf: We got Expanded Edition Sign!