Post by Blue Lightning on Aug 24, 2006 19:18:57 GMT -5
This began as a late entry to a contest in the MST3K Chat forum, but didn't get any responses, so I'm reposting it here.
MST3K WRESTLING!!
First match:
TORGO versus ORTEGA
TORGO
Debuted: Episode 424: “Manos: The Hands of Fate”
Lackey to: The Master, a leader of a satanic cult
Monster Attribute: really big knees
Food Factor: You don’t want to know where he stores the complimentary crazy bread.
Mads Connection: Briefly replaced TV’s Frank as Dr. Forrester’s lackey
ORTEGA
Debuted: Episode 812: “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies”
Lackey to: Madame Estrella, a psychotic carny fortuneteller.
Monster Attribute: having never bathed in his life
Food Factor: Ashes in the quail eggs.
Mads Connection: Was the phone bank for Pearl’s “Public Pearl TV” pledge drive
As the fight begins, Torgo slowly approaches the center of the ring while his theme music plays. Ortega remains in his corner, mumbling incoherently around his ever-present lit cigar. The fight is going nowhere faster than the driving scene from “Manos”, when suddenly Carmelita appears at ringside. Torgo is enraptured, and starts saunter over to her, arms out, ready to paw at her. Madame Estrella jumps on the outside of the rope and starts yelling unintelligible instructions at Ortega. Ortega mumbles, and starts walking towards a still distracted Torgo. Ortega reaches into his vest and pulls out a small bottle of whiskey with what looks like a skull drawn with a Sharpie on it. He’s going to perform his signature move, the Acid Toss! Ortega taps Torgo on the shoulder. Torgo turns, and Ortega attempts an Acid Toss, but he’s forgotten to take the cap off the bottle!
Madame Estrella yells something else unintelligible, but apparently, this time it was to her sister, because Carmelita starts wheeling in something covered by a black cloth. Carmelita removes the cloth…it’s the Hypno-disk from “The Incredibly Strange Creatures…”! Carmelita activates the Hypno-disk. Much to her (and her sister’s) chagrin, Torgo wasn’t looking! Torgo mistook Ortega’s attempt at an Acid Toss for a desire for a drink, and is now trying to direct Ortega to the announcer’s table, where the track announcer from “Sidehackers” is doing the play-by-play while Detective Mitchell from “Mitchell” is doing the color commentary. It seems Torgo has mistaken Mitchell’s many quarts of scotch for a wet bar!
But wait, something’s happening in the crowd…somebody stands up and begins walking towards Madame Estrella. It’s Jerry! His girlfriend and gibbering Czech roommate are nowhere in sight, though. Seizing the opportunity, Madame Estrella unintelligibly gives Jerry instructions. She then waves her sister towards the ring. Carmelita jumps up on a turnbuckle, drawing the attention of the referee. Jerry jumps into the ring, wielding a knife. He lunges at Torgo, but is stopped by the sudden appearance of a black-robed man with a bad mustache. It’s the Master! Jerry seems to be bemused and charmed by this plucky fellow, and wanders out of the ring. The Master gives Torgo the evil eye before vanishing, but Torgo just shrugs and adjusts his hat.
Mitchell wonders out loud how the Master suddenly appeared and disappeared, when Buzz from “The Girl in Gold Boots” suddenly appears at the announcer’s table and tries to give an explanation, but it digresses into an argument on the merits of fully krausened beer versus scotch.
Madame Estrella yells something else intelligible, this time apparently at Ortega, who turns Torgo towards the other side of the ring. The Hypno-disk is still spinning. Torgo looks into it, and falls down, asleep. The baggy-nightgowned women from “Manos” show up and get into a scuffle with Carmelita while trying to shut off the Hypno-disk. Madame Estrella comes to the aid of her sister and becomes embroiled in the scuffle as well. This distracts both the referee and Ortega. Meanwhile, Torgo revives to find the Master looming over him. As Torgo gets up, the Master stares at him and points ominously at Ortega. The Master vanishes as Torgo slowly walks across the ring toward Ortega.
Mitchell, having forgotten his earlier conversation with Buzz, again wonders about the Master’s ability to suddenly appear and disappear, and this time, John Ireland’s character from “Gunslinger” appears to offer the explanation, but he winds up going off on a tangent on whether appearing and disappearing are two separate abilities or if it’s a two-way thing.
Back in the ring, Torgo has finally reached Ortega and has applied his signature submission maneuver, the Hands of Fey! Ortega is so repulsed by this display of affection, he Acid Tosses himself! As he falls down, he trips Torgo, who lands on top of him, but not before a stray hand brushes against the referee’s back. The referee turns around to see what appears to be Torgo pinning Ortega. The referee kneels down and slaps the canvas…1…2…3! The match is over! Torgo wins!
Sidehackers announcer guy informs the viewers to stay tuned, because after the break, the big-chinned guy from “Time Chasers” will attempt to travel back in time to prevent himself from taking on Joe from “Skydivers”, and after that Rommel from “Sidehackers” takes on Dirk from “The Sinister Urge” in a “Thrills and Spills Match” (i.e., who can roll down a hill the best)! Mitchell calls Rommel a magnificent bastard, and claims to have read his book, but the Sidehackers announcer guy expresses doubts about the detective’s literacy.
MST3K WRESTLING!!
First match:
TORGO versus ORTEGA
TORGO
Debuted: Episode 424: “Manos: The Hands of Fate”
Lackey to: The Master, a leader of a satanic cult
Monster Attribute: really big knees
Food Factor: You don’t want to know where he stores the complimentary crazy bread.
Mads Connection: Briefly replaced TV’s Frank as Dr. Forrester’s lackey
ORTEGA
Debuted: Episode 812: “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies”
Lackey to: Madame Estrella, a psychotic carny fortuneteller.
Monster Attribute: having never bathed in his life
Food Factor: Ashes in the quail eggs.
Mads Connection: Was the phone bank for Pearl’s “Public Pearl TV” pledge drive
As the fight begins, Torgo slowly approaches the center of the ring while his theme music plays. Ortega remains in his corner, mumbling incoherently around his ever-present lit cigar. The fight is going nowhere faster than the driving scene from “Manos”, when suddenly Carmelita appears at ringside. Torgo is enraptured, and starts saunter over to her, arms out, ready to paw at her. Madame Estrella jumps on the outside of the rope and starts yelling unintelligible instructions at Ortega. Ortega mumbles, and starts walking towards a still distracted Torgo. Ortega reaches into his vest and pulls out a small bottle of whiskey with what looks like a skull drawn with a Sharpie on it. He’s going to perform his signature move, the Acid Toss! Ortega taps Torgo on the shoulder. Torgo turns, and Ortega attempts an Acid Toss, but he’s forgotten to take the cap off the bottle!
Madame Estrella yells something else unintelligible, but apparently, this time it was to her sister, because Carmelita starts wheeling in something covered by a black cloth. Carmelita removes the cloth…it’s the Hypno-disk from “The Incredibly Strange Creatures…”! Carmelita activates the Hypno-disk. Much to her (and her sister’s) chagrin, Torgo wasn’t looking! Torgo mistook Ortega’s attempt at an Acid Toss for a desire for a drink, and is now trying to direct Ortega to the announcer’s table, where the track announcer from “Sidehackers” is doing the play-by-play while Detective Mitchell from “Mitchell” is doing the color commentary. It seems Torgo has mistaken Mitchell’s many quarts of scotch for a wet bar!
But wait, something’s happening in the crowd…somebody stands up and begins walking towards Madame Estrella. It’s Jerry! His girlfriend and gibbering Czech roommate are nowhere in sight, though. Seizing the opportunity, Madame Estrella unintelligibly gives Jerry instructions. She then waves her sister towards the ring. Carmelita jumps up on a turnbuckle, drawing the attention of the referee. Jerry jumps into the ring, wielding a knife. He lunges at Torgo, but is stopped by the sudden appearance of a black-robed man with a bad mustache. It’s the Master! Jerry seems to be bemused and charmed by this plucky fellow, and wanders out of the ring. The Master gives Torgo the evil eye before vanishing, but Torgo just shrugs and adjusts his hat.
Mitchell wonders out loud how the Master suddenly appeared and disappeared, when Buzz from “The Girl in Gold Boots” suddenly appears at the announcer’s table and tries to give an explanation, but it digresses into an argument on the merits of fully krausened beer versus scotch.
Madame Estrella yells something else intelligible, this time apparently at Ortega, who turns Torgo towards the other side of the ring. The Hypno-disk is still spinning. Torgo looks into it, and falls down, asleep. The baggy-nightgowned women from “Manos” show up and get into a scuffle with Carmelita while trying to shut off the Hypno-disk. Madame Estrella comes to the aid of her sister and becomes embroiled in the scuffle as well. This distracts both the referee and Ortega. Meanwhile, Torgo revives to find the Master looming over him. As Torgo gets up, the Master stares at him and points ominously at Ortega. The Master vanishes as Torgo slowly walks across the ring toward Ortega.
Mitchell, having forgotten his earlier conversation with Buzz, again wonders about the Master’s ability to suddenly appear and disappear, and this time, John Ireland’s character from “Gunslinger” appears to offer the explanation, but he winds up going off on a tangent on whether appearing and disappearing are two separate abilities or if it’s a two-way thing.
Back in the ring, Torgo has finally reached Ortega and has applied his signature submission maneuver, the Hands of Fey! Ortega is so repulsed by this display of affection, he Acid Tosses himself! As he falls down, he trips Torgo, who lands on top of him, but not before a stray hand brushes against the referee’s back. The referee turns around to see what appears to be Torgo pinning Ortega. The referee kneels down and slaps the canvas…1…2…3! The match is over! Torgo wins!
Sidehackers announcer guy informs the viewers to stay tuned, because after the break, the big-chinned guy from “Time Chasers” will attempt to travel back in time to prevent himself from taking on Joe from “Skydivers”, and after that Rommel from “Sidehackers” takes on Dirk from “The Sinister Urge” in a “Thrills and Spills Match” (i.e., who can roll down a hill the best)! Mitchell calls Rommel a magnificent bastard, and claims to have read his book, but the Sidehackers announcer guy expresses doubts about the detective’s literacy.