Post by Jazzman99 on Mar 12, 2008 11:10:29 GMT -5
"Hamlet" is such a universally disliked episode of MST that I thought I'd take a swing at it myself in an MSTing. So here's Act I, Scene I. Aplogies for the length. Should I keep going? Is there a better place to post this?
HAMLET
By William Shakespeare
MIKE: Based on a concept by Junior Samples.
CROW: Read the Bantam novelization by James Blish.
TOM: All rights reserved. No rebroadcast or other account of this play without the express written consent of Major League Shakespeare is permitted.
ACT I. SCENE I.
MIKE: Settle in guys, we’re in for a long haul.
Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
CROW: Before the castle what?
MIKE: They just stand guard on a platform? Me, I’d want a wall to stand behind while I shoot at people, but hey, your castle.
FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO
TOM: Mike, I can’t tell. Is this dirty?
BERNARDO
Who's there?
MIKE: Here’s an interesting fact, guys. If you’ll note here the wrong guard speaks first, indicating the state of disruption in the court.
TOM: Wow, Mike, that’s really fascinating! [whispers] Crow, we have to kill him!
FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
CROW: Frank?
TOM: Joe?
MIKE: Rockford?
TOM: KITT?
CROW: Angels?
TOM: Charlie?
MIKE: Locke?
CROW: Sayid?
TOM: Chief?
CROW: McCloud?
BERNARDO
Long live the king!
CROW: Oh, you haven’t heard?
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
He.
MIKE: I mean, me. I mean, yes. Wait, what?
FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your hour.
TOM: All right, this is definitely dirty. Mike, we’re too young for this!
BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks:
CROW: Now pitching for the Elsinore Mopes, number 42, Bernardo!
'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
MIKE: I mean, I can tell you haven’t had any Right Guard.
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
CROW: There was a fat guy in a red suit who wanted in a while ago, but I shooed him away.
BERNARDO
Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
FRANCISCO
I think I hear them.
TOM: Oh, how convenient.
Stand, ho!
CROW: You’re right, Tom, this thing is filthy!
MIKE: Oh, that’s not what he means!
Who's there?
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
HORATIO
Friends to this ground.
MIKE: This sky I’m not crazy about, and those trees have got to go.
MARCELLUS
And liegemen to the Dane.
FRANCISCO
Give you good night.
MARCELLUS
O, farewell, honest soldier:
Who hath relieved you?
CROW: I’m perfectly capable of relieving myself, nosey Nellie.
FRANCISCO
Bernardo has my place.
Give you good night.
TOM: Good night, already. Geez, you can’t get rid of this guy!
Exit
MARCELLUS
Holla! Bernardo!
MIKE: Sing holla-della-dell, Goldberry!
BERNARDO
Say,
What, is Horatio there?
HORATIO
A piece of him.
ALL: Ewwwww!
BERNARDO
Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus.
MIKE: To Thunderdome!
MARCELLUS
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
TOM: No, I got this cream that cleared it right up.
BERNARDO
I have seen nothing.
Crow: [Sgt. Schultz] I know notheenk!
MARCELLUS
Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
CROW: Yeah, that sounds like something he’d say, the jerk.
TOM: [Horatio] I’m standing right here, man!
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight,
MIKE: Drudge.com, now there’s a dreaded site. Am I right, guys? Huh?
CROW: You are such a dweeb, Mike.
twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
HORATIO
Tush, tush,
ALL [singing]: I said lord take me downtown!
'twill not appear.
BERNARDO
Sit down awhile;
MIKE: Take a load off!
CROW: Set a spell!
TOM: You heard the one about the preacher and the goat?
And let us once again assail your ears,
That are so fortified against our story
What we have two nights seen.
HORATIO
Well, sit we down,
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
TOM: Oh, is the wonderful Bernardo going to tell a story?
BERNARDO
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
Where now it burns,
CROW: In other words, ‘bout this time last night.
MIKE: No ink shortage in those days, was there?
Marcellus and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
TOM: Let me be perfectly clear: it was the BELL that was beating one.
CROW: What’s with you today, Servo?
Enter Ghost
CROW: Ye cannot enter Ghost. Obvious exits are north, east, and the 101 to Hoboken.
MARCELLUS
Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
MIKE: Not a word from you, Tom.
BERNARDO
In the same figure, like the king that's dead.
MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
CROW: Yeah, we’re the ones with the swords but you’ve read a book, so you go talk to the creepy thing.
MIKE: Here, first put on this red shirt.
BERNARDO
Looks it not like the king? mark it, Horatio.
TOM: I thought they wanted him to talk with it!
HORATIO
Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder.
BERNARDO
It would be spoke to.
MARCELLUS
Question it, Horatio.
MIKE: All right, Ghost, one hundred people surveyed, top five answers are on the board: name a reason you’d haunt Denmark.
CROW: The scenery! No, I mean revenge!
TOM: Pass! Pass!
HORATIO
What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!
MIKE: [Ghost] Scrooge, you must change your . . . wait, did you say Denmark?
CROW: Oh, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.
MARCELLUS
It is offended.
BERNARDO
See, it stalks away!
HORATIO
Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!
ALL: [barking]
Exit Ghost
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone, and will not answer.
BERNARDO
How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:
Is not this something more than fantasy?
What think you on't?
CROW: Who ya gonna call?
HORATIO
Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
TOM: Ah declare, ah believe ah have the vapors.
MARCELLUS
Is it not like the king?
HORATIO
As thou art to thyself:
Such was the very armour he had on
When he the ambitious Norway combated;
So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle,
He smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.
MIKE: Thus completely ruining the Krakow production of Dr. Zhivago.
'Tis strange.
CROW: Oh, you think? Thank god we brought you out here.
MARCELLUS
Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.
HORATIO
In what particular thought to work I know not;
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
CROW: I certainly hope so, or it’s gonna be a long four hours.
MARCELLUS
Good now, sit down,
MIKE: Again?
TOM: Little known fact, Mike: Danish soldiers love sitting down!
and tell me, he that knows,
Why this same strict and most observant watch
So nightly toils the subject of the land,
And why such daily cast of brazen cannon,
And foreign mart for implements of war;
TOM: So the military industrial complex is a Danish invention?
MIKE: I guess so!
Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task
Does not divide the Sunday from the week;
CROW: Ooo, dere’s gonna be trouble wit der Parson ya know.
What might be toward, that this sweaty haste
Doth make the night joint-labourer with the day:
Who is't that can inform me?
HORATIO
That can I;
TOM: What a brown-noser this guy is.
MIKE: Oh, come on, Tom. Horatio is the moral center of the play.
TOM: That’s just because he doesn’t kill anybody, commit incest, or go nuts! Open your eyes, Mike! He’s a massive loser!
MIKE: Okay, honey, okay. Stay calm…stay calm…
At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king,
Whose image even but now appear'd to us,
Was, as you know,
CROW: If they already know, can we skip this part?
by Fortinbras of Norway,
Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride,
CROW: I guess not.
Dared to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet—
MIKE: We have a title!
For so this side of our known world esteem'd him—
CROW: In Japan, by contrast, he was known as “Matlock.”
Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact,
Well ratified by law and heraldry,
Did forfeit, with his life, all those his lands
Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:
Against the which, a moiety competent
TOM: “The Moiety Competent” would be a great name for a rock band.
MIKE: Stop that right now.
Was gaged by our king; which had return'd
To the inheritance of Fortinbras,
Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant,
And carriage of the article design'd,
His fell to Hamlet.
CROW: Everybody got that?
Now, sir, young Fortinbras,
TOM: Oh, sure, why not give some more different characters the same name?
MIKE: I think I need a spreadsheet.
Of unimproved mettle hot and full,
CROW: Hotspur?
MIKE: Wrong play.
Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there
Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes,
TOM: You’re gonna need a bigger list.
For food and diet, to some enterprise
That hath a stomach in't;
MIKE: Anybody else hungry?
CROW: This is why the Globe was legendary for its concession stands.
which is no other--
As it doth well appear unto our state--
But to recover of us, by strong hand
And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands
So by his father lost:
MIKE: Houston, we have successful subplot launch.
and this, I take it,
Is the main motive of our preparations,
The source of this our watch and the chief head
Of this post-haste and romage in the land.
CROW: Whatever you do, do not ask this man another question.
BERNARDO
I think it be no other but e'en so:
TOM: Yeah, like, I totally knew that. I was just testing you.
Well may it sort that this portentous figure
Comes armed through our watch; so like the king
That was and is the question of these wars.
HORATIO
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
In the most high and palmy state of Rome,
A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,
CROW: That would be the great Orange Julius, I believe.
MIKE: Yes, he juiced while the Gap burned.
The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:
TOM: Squeak! Squeak!
CROW: Gibber!
As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,
Disasters in the sun; and the moist star
Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands
Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse:
MIKE: Strange weather we’re having these days, said the Romans.
TOM: Except in Latin.
And even the like precurse of fierce events,
As harbingers preceding still the fates
And prologue to the omen coming on,
Have heaven and earth together demonstrated
Unto our climatures and countrymen.--
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!
TOM: [Bernardo] What? Oh, sorry, man, we fell asleep around the middle of that last speech. What’s happening?
Re-enter Ghost
MIKE: Ah, forgot to get his parking validated.
I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
Speak to me:
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:
Cock crows
CROW: Boy, I’m glad they didn’t reverse those words.
TOM: See, Mike, it’s not just me!
If thou art privy to thy country's fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,
MIKE: Sure, Horatio, that’s it: he’s come to tell you where the pirate gold is.
CROW: Don’t be too hard on the guy. He’s probably got student loans to pay off.
For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,
Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus.
MARCELLUS
Shall I strike at it with my partisan?
TOM: No, but that sword would work swell!
HORATIO
Do, if it will not stand.
BERNARDO
'Tis here!
HORATIO
'Tis here!
MIKE: ‘Tis there!
TOM: ‘Tis in Poughkeepsie!
CROW: ‘Tis the season!
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!
Exit Ghost
We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
And our vain blows malicious mockery.
MIKE: Now you tell us.
BERNARDO
It was about to speak, when the cock crew.
HORATIO
And then it started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,
The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn,
CROW: As the goat is percussionist to the late afternoon…
Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat
Awake the god of day;
MIKE: Aw, man, morning already? Where the hell is the snooze button on this cock?
and, at his warning,
Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,
The extravagant and erring spirit hies
To his confine: and of the truth herein
This present object made probation.
MARCELLUS
It faded on the crowing of the cock.
TOM: [Horatio] Didn’t I just say that?
Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;
The nights are wholesome;
CROW: A golden age, when the tribes of Boll and Schumacher dare not approach a camera.
then no planets strike,
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.
HORATIO
So have I heard and do in part believe it.
MIKE: [Horatio] Yeah, my story was totally better.
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:
TOM: No, wait, that’s a fire! Run for your lives!
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
Let us impart what we have seen to-night
Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?
MARCELLUS
Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know
Where we shall find him most conveniently.
Exeunt
ALL: Geseudheit!
HAMLET
By William Shakespeare
MIKE: Based on a concept by Junior Samples.
CROW: Read the Bantam novelization by James Blish.
TOM: All rights reserved. No rebroadcast or other account of this play without the express written consent of Major League Shakespeare is permitted.
ACT I. SCENE I.
MIKE: Settle in guys, we’re in for a long haul.
Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
CROW: Before the castle what?
MIKE: They just stand guard on a platform? Me, I’d want a wall to stand behind while I shoot at people, but hey, your castle.
FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO
TOM: Mike, I can’t tell. Is this dirty?
BERNARDO
Who's there?
MIKE: Here’s an interesting fact, guys. If you’ll note here the wrong guard speaks first, indicating the state of disruption in the court.
TOM: Wow, Mike, that’s really fascinating! [whispers] Crow, we have to kill him!
FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
CROW: Frank?
TOM: Joe?
MIKE: Rockford?
TOM: KITT?
CROW: Angels?
TOM: Charlie?
MIKE: Locke?
CROW: Sayid?
TOM: Chief?
CROW: McCloud?
BERNARDO
Long live the king!
CROW: Oh, you haven’t heard?
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
He.
MIKE: I mean, me. I mean, yes. Wait, what?
FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your hour.
TOM: All right, this is definitely dirty. Mike, we’re too young for this!
BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks:
CROW: Now pitching for the Elsinore Mopes, number 42, Bernardo!
'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
MIKE: I mean, I can tell you haven’t had any Right Guard.
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
CROW: There was a fat guy in a red suit who wanted in a while ago, but I shooed him away.
BERNARDO
Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
FRANCISCO
I think I hear them.
TOM: Oh, how convenient.
Stand, ho!
CROW: You’re right, Tom, this thing is filthy!
MIKE: Oh, that’s not what he means!
Who's there?
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
HORATIO
Friends to this ground.
MIKE: This sky I’m not crazy about, and those trees have got to go.
MARCELLUS
And liegemen to the Dane.
FRANCISCO
Give you good night.
MARCELLUS
O, farewell, honest soldier:
Who hath relieved you?
CROW: I’m perfectly capable of relieving myself, nosey Nellie.
FRANCISCO
Bernardo has my place.
Give you good night.
TOM: Good night, already. Geez, you can’t get rid of this guy!
Exit
MARCELLUS
Holla! Bernardo!
MIKE: Sing holla-della-dell, Goldberry!
BERNARDO
Say,
What, is Horatio there?
HORATIO
A piece of him.
ALL: Ewwwww!
BERNARDO
Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus.
MIKE: To Thunderdome!
MARCELLUS
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
TOM: No, I got this cream that cleared it right up.
BERNARDO
I have seen nothing.
Crow: [Sgt. Schultz] I know notheenk!
MARCELLUS
Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
CROW: Yeah, that sounds like something he’d say, the jerk.
TOM: [Horatio] I’m standing right here, man!
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight,
MIKE: Drudge.com, now there’s a dreaded site. Am I right, guys? Huh?
CROW: You are such a dweeb, Mike.
twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
HORATIO
Tush, tush,
ALL [singing]: I said lord take me downtown!
'twill not appear.
BERNARDO
Sit down awhile;
MIKE: Take a load off!
CROW: Set a spell!
TOM: You heard the one about the preacher and the goat?
And let us once again assail your ears,
That are so fortified against our story
What we have two nights seen.
HORATIO
Well, sit we down,
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
TOM: Oh, is the wonderful Bernardo going to tell a story?
BERNARDO
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
Where now it burns,
CROW: In other words, ‘bout this time last night.
MIKE: No ink shortage in those days, was there?
Marcellus and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
TOM: Let me be perfectly clear: it was the BELL that was beating one.
CROW: What’s with you today, Servo?
Enter Ghost
CROW: Ye cannot enter Ghost. Obvious exits are north, east, and the 101 to Hoboken.
MARCELLUS
Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
MIKE: Not a word from you, Tom.
BERNARDO
In the same figure, like the king that's dead.
MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
CROW: Yeah, we’re the ones with the swords but you’ve read a book, so you go talk to the creepy thing.
MIKE: Here, first put on this red shirt.
BERNARDO
Looks it not like the king? mark it, Horatio.
TOM: I thought they wanted him to talk with it!
HORATIO
Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder.
BERNARDO
It would be spoke to.
MARCELLUS
Question it, Horatio.
MIKE: All right, Ghost, one hundred people surveyed, top five answers are on the board: name a reason you’d haunt Denmark.
CROW: The scenery! No, I mean revenge!
TOM: Pass! Pass!
HORATIO
What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!
MIKE: [Ghost] Scrooge, you must change your . . . wait, did you say Denmark?
CROW: Oh, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.
MARCELLUS
It is offended.
BERNARDO
See, it stalks away!
HORATIO
Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!
ALL: [barking]
Exit Ghost
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone, and will not answer.
BERNARDO
How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:
Is not this something more than fantasy?
What think you on't?
CROW: Who ya gonna call?
HORATIO
Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
TOM: Ah declare, ah believe ah have the vapors.
MARCELLUS
Is it not like the king?
HORATIO
As thou art to thyself:
Such was the very armour he had on
When he the ambitious Norway combated;
So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle,
He smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.
MIKE: Thus completely ruining the Krakow production of Dr. Zhivago.
'Tis strange.
CROW: Oh, you think? Thank god we brought you out here.
MARCELLUS
Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.
HORATIO
In what particular thought to work I know not;
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
CROW: I certainly hope so, or it’s gonna be a long four hours.
MARCELLUS
Good now, sit down,
MIKE: Again?
TOM: Little known fact, Mike: Danish soldiers love sitting down!
and tell me, he that knows,
Why this same strict and most observant watch
So nightly toils the subject of the land,
And why such daily cast of brazen cannon,
And foreign mart for implements of war;
TOM: So the military industrial complex is a Danish invention?
MIKE: I guess so!
Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task
Does not divide the Sunday from the week;
CROW: Ooo, dere’s gonna be trouble wit der Parson ya know.
What might be toward, that this sweaty haste
Doth make the night joint-labourer with the day:
Who is't that can inform me?
HORATIO
That can I;
TOM: What a brown-noser this guy is.
MIKE: Oh, come on, Tom. Horatio is the moral center of the play.
TOM: That’s just because he doesn’t kill anybody, commit incest, or go nuts! Open your eyes, Mike! He’s a massive loser!
MIKE: Okay, honey, okay. Stay calm…stay calm…
At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king,
Whose image even but now appear'd to us,
Was, as you know,
CROW: If they already know, can we skip this part?
by Fortinbras of Norway,
Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride,
CROW: I guess not.
Dared to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet—
MIKE: We have a title!
For so this side of our known world esteem'd him—
CROW: In Japan, by contrast, he was known as “Matlock.”
Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact,
Well ratified by law and heraldry,
Did forfeit, with his life, all those his lands
Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:
Against the which, a moiety competent
TOM: “The Moiety Competent” would be a great name for a rock band.
MIKE: Stop that right now.
Was gaged by our king; which had return'd
To the inheritance of Fortinbras,
Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant,
And carriage of the article design'd,
His fell to Hamlet.
CROW: Everybody got that?
Now, sir, young Fortinbras,
TOM: Oh, sure, why not give some more different characters the same name?
MIKE: I think I need a spreadsheet.
Of unimproved mettle hot and full,
CROW: Hotspur?
MIKE: Wrong play.
Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there
Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes,
TOM: You’re gonna need a bigger list.
For food and diet, to some enterprise
That hath a stomach in't;
MIKE: Anybody else hungry?
CROW: This is why the Globe was legendary for its concession stands.
which is no other--
As it doth well appear unto our state--
But to recover of us, by strong hand
And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands
So by his father lost:
MIKE: Houston, we have successful subplot launch.
and this, I take it,
Is the main motive of our preparations,
The source of this our watch and the chief head
Of this post-haste and romage in the land.
CROW: Whatever you do, do not ask this man another question.
BERNARDO
I think it be no other but e'en so:
TOM: Yeah, like, I totally knew that. I was just testing you.
Well may it sort that this portentous figure
Comes armed through our watch; so like the king
That was and is the question of these wars.
HORATIO
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
In the most high and palmy state of Rome,
A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,
CROW: That would be the great Orange Julius, I believe.
MIKE: Yes, he juiced while the Gap burned.
The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:
TOM: Squeak! Squeak!
CROW: Gibber!
As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,
Disasters in the sun; and the moist star
Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands
Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse:
MIKE: Strange weather we’re having these days, said the Romans.
TOM: Except in Latin.
And even the like precurse of fierce events,
As harbingers preceding still the fates
And prologue to the omen coming on,
Have heaven and earth together demonstrated
Unto our climatures and countrymen.--
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!
TOM: [Bernardo] What? Oh, sorry, man, we fell asleep around the middle of that last speech. What’s happening?
Re-enter Ghost
MIKE: Ah, forgot to get his parking validated.
I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
Speak to me:
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:
Cock crows
CROW: Boy, I’m glad they didn’t reverse those words.
TOM: See, Mike, it’s not just me!
If thou art privy to thy country's fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,
MIKE: Sure, Horatio, that’s it: he’s come to tell you where the pirate gold is.
CROW: Don’t be too hard on the guy. He’s probably got student loans to pay off.
For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,
Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus.
MARCELLUS
Shall I strike at it with my partisan?
TOM: No, but that sword would work swell!
HORATIO
Do, if it will not stand.
BERNARDO
'Tis here!
HORATIO
'Tis here!
MIKE: ‘Tis there!
TOM: ‘Tis in Poughkeepsie!
CROW: ‘Tis the season!
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!
Exit Ghost
We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
And our vain blows malicious mockery.
MIKE: Now you tell us.
BERNARDO
It was about to speak, when the cock crew.
HORATIO
And then it started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,
The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn,
CROW: As the goat is percussionist to the late afternoon…
Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat
Awake the god of day;
MIKE: Aw, man, morning already? Where the hell is the snooze button on this cock?
and, at his warning,
Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,
The extravagant and erring spirit hies
To his confine: and of the truth herein
This present object made probation.
MARCELLUS
It faded on the crowing of the cock.
TOM: [Horatio] Didn’t I just say that?
Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;
The nights are wholesome;
CROW: A golden age, when the tribes of Boll and Schumacher dare not approach a camera.
then no planets strike,
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.
HORATIO
So have I heard and do in part believe it.
MIKE: [Horatio] Yeah, my story was totally better.
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:
TOM: No, wait, that’s a fire! Run for your lives!
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
Let us impart what we have seen to-night
Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?
MARCELLUS
Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know
Where we shall find him most conveniently.
Exeunt
ALL: Geseudheit!
