|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 16, 2012 2:53:18 GMT -5
Mousetrap
One day, a shop.
Suddenly, the shop was overrun with mouses!
"OH NO!" scream Shopkeeper, "Too many mouses!"
"SQUEAK!"
But then he got an idea, mousetraps!
He tried to count mouses, but there were too many to counting.
So he just got 1000 mousetraps and put them all over the factory.
All the mouse were caught, but no one would go into the shop again because the sun had burned the mousetraps to the floor.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 17, 2012 19:25:54 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 17, 2012 22:58:36 GMT -5
Electrics
Robots were a takeover, so robots.
Robots painted everywhere with electrics, and turned all the trees to robot trees!
The enviroment made a complaining, but the robots didn't listen and turned a plant roots to wires.
But the robot trees malfunction and start to use there roots for walking!
The robots try to run away, but robot trees use their electric leaves to make a downing of the robots.
And no more robots.
"Goodly!" shout the robot trees, as they make their takeover.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 17, 2012 23:40:46 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 17, 2012 23:52:03 GMT -5
Werewolves
The water factory were put werewolf potion into everyones water and everyone turned to werewolves!
But the werewolving only worked at night! So the water company were try to destory the sun so that werewolf slaves for them forever.
They shot a harpoon at the sun and pull the sun closer so they could fire cannons at it.
"Oh no! MUCH HARPOON ATTACHED!" shout the sun, try to fly away.
But the water factory were pull harder and soon the sun was close enough to fire some cannons.
They shot cannons at the sun, but the sun had had enough abuse!
"First you make me a pollution!" shout the Sun, "Now you try to harpoon!"
And so the Sun flew into the Earth and the Earth to make a burnings inside the sun.
|
|
|
Post by Bad Touch on Jun 18, 2012 0:21:37 GMT -5
YouTube
Through a horrible chain-reaction clicking spree, I ended up watching at least an hours worth of 'Surprise Welcome Home Soldier' videos. Soldiers surprising their mothers on Christmas morning, surprising daughters at their high schools, surprising their dogs, surprising siblings in front of Tattoo shops (WTF?)
Twenty minutes in, and I was weeping like a ... well, like CrowFan slumped against an empty Heineken keg.
Thirty minutes in I realized that I was just enjoying taking an emotional dump.
This one was just the last straw for me...
(sorry to get so heavy)
|
|
|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 18, 2012 21:21:56 GMT -5
The Truck
The schoolchildren were very bored from having their learnings.
"Look!" they say, point at a window, "A truck!"
A truck had park outside the school, and drugs started to off from the truck!
Then suddenly, the children to run outside and take the drugs from the truck!
The teachers tell them off, but then the teachers to take the drugs and all to have drugs!
Drugs to danube!
Then the school was closed because everyone was so busy with their new drugs.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 19, 2012 20:32:24 GMT -5
O what has become of Millicent Frastley? Is there any hope that she's still alive? Why haven't they found her? It's rather ghastly To think that the child was not yet five.
The dear little thing was last seen playing Alone by herself at the edge of the park; There was no one with her to keep her from straying Away in the shadows and oncoming dark.
Before she could do so, a silent and glittering Black motor drew up where she sat nibbling grass; From within came a nearly inaudible twittering, A tiny green face peered out through the glass.
She was ready to flee, when the figure beckoned; An arm with two elbows held out a tin Full of cinnamon balls; she paused; a second Reached out as she took one, and lifted her in.
The nurse was discovered collapsed in some shrubbery, But her reappearance was not much use; Her eyes were askew, he extremities rubbery, Her clothing was stained with a brownish juice.
She was questioned in hopes of her answers revealing What had happened; she merely repeatedly said 'I hear them walking about on the ceiling'. She had gone irretrievably out of her head.
O feelings of horror, resentment, and pity For things, which so seldom turn out for the best; The car, unobserved, sped away from the city As the last of the light died out in the west.
The Frastleys grew sick with apprehension, Which a heavy tea only served to increase; Though they felt it was scarcely genteel to mention The loss of their child, they called in the police.
Through unvisited hamlets the car went creeping, With its head lamps unlit and its curtains drawn; Those natives who happened not to be sleeping Heard it pass, and lay awake until dawn.
The police with their torches and notebooks descended On the haunts of the underworld, looking for clues; In spite of their praiseworthy efforts, they ended With nothing at all in the way of news.
The car, after hours and hours of travel, Arrived at a gate in an endless wall; It rolled up a drive and stopped on the gravel At the foot of a vast and crumbling hall.
As the night wore away, hope started to languish And soon was replaced by all manner of fears; The family twisted their fingers in anguish, Or got them all damp from the flow of their tears.
They removed the child to the ball-room, whose hangings And mirrors were streaked with a luminous slime; They leapt through the air with buzzings and twangings To work themselves up to a ritual crime.
They stunned her, and stripped off her garments, and lastly They stuffed her inside a kind of a pod; And then it was that Millicent Frastley Was sacrificed to THE INSECT GOD.The Vinegar Works, second volume
|
|
|
Post by Bad Touch on Jun 19, 2012 21:22:18 GMT -5
"Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh" - Louis CK
|
|
|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 20, 2012 20:05:15 GMT -5
Hans Von Hozel
One day, Hans Von Hozel was makings of a story.
"This story will be very much goodly!" say Hans. "All the characters must dying!"
Suddenly, Hans's mother found him created a badly story.
"HANS VON HOZEL!!!!!!!" say mother. "You are not to make a writing of a story!"
Hans cried. His tears fell into computer and tears danubed in wires.
The computer exploded!
"Oh no!" say Hans. "This no good!"
Suddenly, mother got angry and pushed Hans in her womb. She was made a pregnant!
10 years later Hans was reborn a girl. "She is so cutely!" say mother, who is 10 years young.
|
|
|
Post by Hellcat on Jun 21, 2012 15:45:22 GMT -5
I wonder if I can get one more summer out of my air conditioner.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 21, 2012 22:15:23 GMT -5
I wanted to post the great Dan-no-Ura sequence from Kobayashi's Kwaidan, but Toho seems to have found and pulled it.
But there is this quite cool musical rendition of a selection from "The Tale of the Heike," the heroic poem on which it's based. I've never seen it performed with anything but just a biwa, but this arrangement with several other traditional instruments is pretty impressive if you have ten minutes.
Sorry, the subs are in Japanese, but the poem tells of the destruction of the once mighty clan in the Genpei War. The climactic moment from the film is after the defeat of the Heike men at the hands of their Minamoto enemies, when Lady Tokiko and her handmaidens jump into the sea to join them, she holding her grandson, the six-year-old emperor Antoku. In the film the sky is ghastly yellow and the sea bloody red, and this poem is the soundtrack.
It's a great scene, and only the setup to the story of blind biwa player Mimi-nashi Houichi ("Houichi the Earless").
|
|
|
Post by jkazoolien on Jun 21, 2012 23:43:54 GMT -5
Waterloo (Waterloo Road)
One day, Napoleon was trying to take many Swedens.
“Not of the taking Swedens!” shout ABBA, as they danube to where Napoleon was. “We must defend our ABBA empire yet again!”
But Napoleon had become equip with many horses.
“Nay,” say the horses, as they prepare with their horseshoe!
“Ha ha ha,” say ABBA, “but the joke has made itself onto you, as we make a poison into your horses’ apples!”
“Nay?” say the horses, and they all make a fall down.
“OH NO,” shout Napoleon, “I HAVE MISCALCULATED MY ERROR!!!”
ABBA danubed closer to Napoleon.
“No!” say Napoleon. “Stay back you malfunction!”
And so ABBA made a lazer beam over Napoleon and Napoleon make explode.
“Is a victory to the makings!” say ABBA.
ABBA gave each other high fives and danubed again to Swedens.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 22, 2012 20:16:31 GMT -5
Substitute a Russian Blue for Bob Hoskins and this is me on any given morning.
|
|
|
Post by caucasoididiot on Jun 24, 2012 21:38:49 GMT -5
Forgive me, mummifiedstalin, for I have double-posted in thy off-topic thread . . .
His mind slid away into the labyrinthine world of doublethink. To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself — that was the ultimate subtlety; consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word 'doublethink' involved the use of doublethink.
|
|