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Jokes
Jan 31, 2009 12:15:30 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Jan 31, 2009 12:15:30 GMT -5
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2009 22:33:08 GMT -5
Post by Satchmo on Jan 31, 2009 22:33:08 GMT -5
Lightbulb jokes: Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. He holds the bulb above the lamp and drinks until the room spins.
Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. He just holds up the bulb and waits as the world revolves around him.
How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?
Knock knock jokes: Person one: Knock knock. Person two: Who's there? Person one: Control freak. Okay, now you say 'control freak who?'
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Jokes
Feb 1, 2009 8:35:18 GMT -5
Post by Trumpy's Magic Snout on Feb 1, 2009 8:35:18 GMT -5
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?
One more if I move my bike.
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Jokes
Feb 1, 2009 21:07:35 GMT -5
Post by Satchmo on Feb 1, 2009 21:07:35 GMT -5
Band jokes: Q: How do you get two oboe players to play in tune? A: Shoot one.
Q: What do pirates and trumpet players have in common? A: They both murder on the high seas (high Cs).
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: Your neighbors get upset when you borrow their lawnmower and don't return it.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: You can tune a chainsaw.
So this guy's on a safari with a native tour guide. About thirty minutes of walking through the grassland, the man starts to hear drumming off in the distance. He's naturally very frightened, but the guide seems unaffected. So the guy walks up to the native and asks:
"What is that noise?"
"Jungle drums." Answers the native nonchalantly.
This didn't help calm the tourist down much, so he replies:
"Are jungle drums a bad sign or anything?"
"No," says the native. "Jungle drums good."
The tourist isn't quite convinced. "Are you absolutely sure?"
The native's getting tired of this, but still answers out of courtesy, "No, jungle drums okay."
The tourist is fairly convinced now. After all, the guide should know, shouldn't he? So they go on with the tour, until about five minutes later when the drumming stops. Immediately, the native stops in his tracks and begins to nervously look around, as if something disastrous were about to happen. Of course, this really upsets the tourist, who again walks up to the native and says:
"What's wrong?"
"Jungle drums stop." Says the native, getting more frightened by the moment.
"What happens when the jungle drums stop?"
The native grimly turns to the tourist and says only two words: "Trombone solo."
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2009 13:17:14 GMT -5
Post by Donna SadCat Lady on Feb 2, 2009 13:17:14 GMT -5
Band jokes:....So this guy's on a safari with a native tour guide. About thirty minutes of walking through the grassland, the man starts to hear drumming off in the distance. He's naturally very frightened, but the guide seems unaffected. So the guy walks up to the native and asks: "What is that noise?" "Jungle drums." Answers the native nonchalantly. This didn't help calm the tourist down much, so he replies: "Are jungle drums a bad sign or anything?" "No," says the native. "Jungle drums good." The tourist isn't quite convinced. "Are you absolutely sure?" The native's getting tired of this, but still answers out of courtesy, "No, jungle drums okay." The tourist is fairly convinced now. After all, the guide should know, shouldn't he? So they go on with the tour, until about five minutes later when the drumming stops. Immediately, the native stops in his tracks and begins to nervously look around, as if something disastrous were about to happen. Of course, this really upsets the tourist, who again walks up to the native and says: "What's wrong?" "Jungle drums stop." Says the native, getting more frightened by the moment. "What happens when the jungle drums stop?" The native grimly turns to the tourist and says only two words: "Trombone solo." Now that made me laugh!
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2009 20:59:21 GMT -5
Post by Satchmo on Feb 25, 2009 20:59:21 GMT -5
So this Catholic priest walks outside his house one day to find that his bike was missing. Obviously thinking it was stolen, he preached that Sunday on the commandment 'thou shalt not steal'. Then he noticed the commandment 'thou shalt not commit adultery'. And then he remembered where he left his bike.
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2009 11:57:47 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Mar 13, 2009 11:57:47 GMT -5
A man joins his wife in bed. He hands her two asprins and a glass of water. "What's this for?" she asks. "Your headache." he responds. "I haven't got a headache." she protests, to which the husband yells "AH-HA GOTCHA!"
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUUUUUUNG!
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” he replies. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Two old Jewish men were swimming in the surf off of Miami Beach when a large wave crashed the beach and sucked 75 year old Mendy into the deep water. Struggling to keep his head above water Mendy yells out to his 73 year old friend Murray to save him. Murray dogpaddles out as fast as he can to try to save his dear friend Mendy who, by this time, is tiring and bobbing below the waves. Murray finally gets to Mendy just in time, grabs him under the chin with the crook of his elbow and starts to side stroke back towards shore and eventual safety. After about 75 yards of dragging Mendy towards the shore Murray, himself, begins to tire and turns to his old friend Mendy. He says, “Mendy, can you float alone”? Mendy, barely able to speak, turns to Murray and says, “Murray, I almost died and all you can talk is finance”?
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The Blonde wife picked up the phone, listened for a minute, then said “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2009 20:47:34 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Mar 13, 2009 20:47:34 GMT -5
A man is down in Hell, sobbing hysterically at this, his overall fate in life. Suddenly, Satan comes up next to the poor schmuck and puts his arm around the man's shoulder: "Hey, relax guy, Hell isn't as bad as people make it out to be" Satan begins. "There's lots of fun things to do down here, for instance, do you like movies?"
"Well, yeah, yeah I do like movies" The man replies.
"Well great! Every Monday here, we show first run movies with all of the popcorn and candy you can eat!" Says Satan.
The man looks excited, so Satan goes on. "Say, do you like Italian food?"
The man nods, so Satan says "Well good! Every Tuesday, we serve all you can eat Italian food. Every type of pasta you can imagine!"
The man gets more excited, then, slowly, Satan's voice gets serious.
"Let me ask you something mac...are you gay by any chance?"
"Well no, No I'm not..." Replies the man.
Satan cringes a bit, then replies. "Ho boy, then you're not gonna like Wednesday's at all..."
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Jokes
Mar 15, 2009 17:32:26 GMT -5
Post by inlovewithcrow on Mar 15, 2009 17:32:26 GMT -5
Two hunters are a half-mile out into the woods when one of them keels over. He's not breathing or moving and his eyes are open and glassy. The other one whips out his cell phone and calls 911. When it's answered, he yells at the dispatcher. "my friend is dead! What can I do?"
In a calm voice, the dispatcher says, "Take it easy, now. First let's make sure he's really dead."
There's a brief silence on her end of the line, then she hears a shot. Next, the voice comes back on: "Okay, what next?"
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2009 19:35:23 GMT -5
Post by Hoss Ragen on Mar 16, 2009 19:35:23 GMT -5
^ Hillarious!
What do you call a black man and a Jewish man flying a French plane over Germany?
Copilots, you ignorant, bigoted jackass.
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2009 22:07:23 GMT -5
Post by dph on Mar 16, 2009 22:07:23 GMT -5
How many forum members......... does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has beenchanged 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how thelight bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is"lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "lightbulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please takethis discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where tobuy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for thistechnique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post thecorrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including allheaders and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questionsabout light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now andstart it all over again.
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2009 22:15:02 GMT -5
Post by dph on Mar 16, 2009 22:15:02 GMT -5
A blond, a brunette, and a red head escape from jail. With the sheriff hot on their trail, they decide to hide in a nearby barn. They see these three sacks on the ground and decide to hide in them. The sheriff and his deputy come in and the sheriff tells the deputy to check the sacks.
The deputy kicks the first sack and the red head yells "woof, woof". The deputy says, "Just a Dog playing in this one."
He then kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells out "Meow, Meow". "Just a cat in this one sir" calls out the deputy.
Finally he kicks the one with the blond, he feels something but hears nothing. He kicks it again, and finally the blond yells out "POTATOES".
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Jokes
Mar 17, 2009 8:50:05 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Mar 17, 2009 8:50:05 GMT -5
A few St. Paddy’s day jokes:
Why can you never borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always little short.
How can you tell when an Irishman is having a good time? When he’s Dublin over with laughter.
Courtesy of NPR:
A teacher asks her class to use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence. So a little Hispanic boy raises his hand and gives it a try.
“Ok, so da phone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say ‘Yellow!’”
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Jokes
Mar 17, 2009 13:08:42 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Mar 17, 2009 13:08:42 GMT -5
A man walks into a bank and up to a teller's window. The lady working behind the counter asks if she can help him, and the man replies: "I want to open up a *%*ing bank account."
The teller is horrified. "What did you just say?"
The man replies: "I want to open up a ^*$*ing bank account."
"Sir, if you don't watch your language, I'm going to get the bank manager over here!" The teller says angrily.
"Why? Because I want to open up a &%&ing bank account?" replies the man.
So, the teller storms off and gets the manager, then brings him over to the customer.
"Is there a problem here Sir?" asks the bank manager.
"Yes, I would like to open up a ^%$ing bank account here...I have 25,000 dollars I'd like to deposit to do so." The man replies.
After a moment's pause, the bank manager points to the teller and says "Ah, I see, and is this old goat giving you a hard time?"
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Jokes
Mar 17, 2009 19:46:52 GMT -5
Post by dph on Mar 17, 2009 19:46:52 GMT -5
Boudreax goes to Hell. (Boo Dro)
Boudreax died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan gets one look at him and says, "Awe yeah, I got a cajun to play with."
So Satan turns up the heat in hell, and looks back at the cajun. He then sees that Boudreax is unaffected by this. He asks "Hey, don't you think it's hot?"
Boudreax replies "Mais no, it feels just like Thanksgiving down in South Louisiana."
Satan decides to turn the heat up more. Boudreax still isn't affected. He looks to Satan and says, "Mais, this is more like the first day of summer."
Satan, now aggravated with the cajun man, turns the thermostat all the way down to -10. Suddenly hell is covered with snow and ice. Satan turns around to find Boudreax dancing and celebrating.
He asks "Hey, why are you so happy?"
Boudreax replies "MAIS WITH ALL DIS SNOW AND ICE, DA NEW ORLEANS SAINTS MUST HAVE FINALLY WON THE SUPER BOWL.
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