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Jokes
Nov 18, 2008 19:55:21 GMT -5
Post by CBG on Nov 18, 2008 19:55:21 GMT -5
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it. *ducks rotten tomatoes* Dude...that was sooo awesome.
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Jokes
Nov 29, 2008 18:37:55 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Nov 29, 2008 18:37:55 GMT -5
A blond asks one of her friends "What's IDK mean?"
He says "I don't know."
She replies "Nobody does!!"
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Jokes
Nov 30, 2008 14:53:36 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Nov 30, 2008 14:53:36 GMT -5
Q: What is "fe fi fo, fe fi fi fo?"
A: A black girl giving out her phone number.
Q: What is a difference between a fairy tale in the north and in the south?
A: A northern fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time...", a southern fairy tale begins with "Ya'all ain't gonna believe this s@$t..."
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Jokes
Dec 3, 2008 16:51:11 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Dec 3, 2008 16:51:11 GMT -5
A man fresh out of prison desperately wants to have sex. So he goes to the nearest brothel. Sadly, he finds he's only got $5. But the madam lets him know they can work something out.
She leads him to a room with a withered, old prostitute, covered in liver spots and boils. Despite all this, the man decides to go ahead, he's that desperate.
"Hold on, sonny," the old woman says. "$5 only gets you so much."
She then proceeds to take a knee and pluck out her glass eye. Grimacing, the man forges ahead and takes care of business.
Once finished, the man declares: "Wow, that was alright! I'll have to do it again sometime."
To which the old woman replies: "I'll keep an eye out for ya."
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2008 17:16:08 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Dec 9, 2008 17:16:08 GMT -5
A British man, a French man, and a Polish man are stranded on a desert island. One day, they stumble across a half buried bottle in the sand. The British man picks up the bottle and rubs some sand off of it, and out pops a genie.
"Because you have freed me from my bottle, I shall grant you each one wish!" Says the Genie.
"I say old chap, I wish to be back home with my family in London!" Cries the British man, and poof, he's gone.
"Ah, oui oui, I wish to be home with my family in Paris!" Cries the French man, and poof, he's gone.
Suddenly, the Polish guy begins to sob.
"Now I'm all alone on this island!" He says through blubbering tears. "I sure wish those two guys were back here with me!"
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2008 1:17:03 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Dec 14, 2008 1:17:03 GMT -5
Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A: Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains! -------------------------------------------------------
An old explorer is telling a tale from one of his many adventures to a group of younger explorers:
"So there I was...alone in the heart of the jungle, walking along silently....when all of a sudden...this great....big...lion, came right at me and let out a mighty roar....RRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAR! ...Well...I just shat my pants..."
One of the younger explorers pipes up:
"Well Sir, there's no shame in that, I too would probably shat myself if I came face to face with a lion."
The old explorer replies: "No, No...I mean I literally shat my pants when I said "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2008 11:10:08 GMT -5
Post by Trumpy's Magic Snout on Dec 14, 2008 11:10:08 GMT -5
There's a camera crew, cameraman and a sound guy, out in the Serengeti shooting footage of lions for a wildlife documentary, you know the type, BBC, Attenburgh's voiceover, that kind of thing.
Soon the lions seem to get a bit antsy. One starts to roar loudly. It gets closer to the place where the film crew are standing. They both start to get a bit nervous.
The soundguy suddenly declares "bugger this" and reaches into his bag and pulls out a pair of trainers (sneakers).
As he changes into them the camera guy says "you'll never outrun a lion in those".
The sound guy replies "as long as I outrun you it doesn't matter".
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Jokes
Dec 22, 2008 22:57:56 GMT -5
Post by Donna SadCat Lady on Dec 22, 2008 22:57:56 GMT -5
All these jokes are taken from the "stupid humor department" at bigwords.com.
What did the zen monk say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve food in here."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
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Jokes
Dec 23, 2008 11:57:28 GMT -5
Post by Trumpy's Magic Snout on Dec 23, 2008 11:57:28 GMT -5
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost
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Jokes
Dec 24, 2008 21:13:08 GMT -5
Post by Trumpy's Magic Snout on Dec 24, 2008 21:13:08 GMT -5
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
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Jokes
Dec 25, 2008 3:09:22 GMT -5
Post by CBG on Dec 25, 2008 3:09:22 GMT -5
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara? A Dreamworks Picture?
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Jokes
Dec 25, 2008 13:01:28 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Dec 25, 2008 13:01:28 GMT -5
A couple of "A man rushes into a doctor's office..." jokes:
a) A man rushes into a doctor's office.
"Doc, doc! You have to help me! I've been starting to have severe bouts of amnesia and I don't know why!"
"All right sir, just relax...now tell me, when did this problem start occuring?" asks the doctor.
"....what problem?" answers the man.
b) A man rushes into the doctor's office.
"Doc, doc! You gotta help me! I've been having very strange dreams lately! Two nights ago I dreamed I was a teepee, last night I dreamed I was a hut!"
The doctor chuckled and replied. "Don't worry about it, nothing's wrong with you, you're just too tense." (Too tense= two tents)
c) A man rushes into a doctor's office.
"Doc, doc! You gotta help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
The doctor, busy with a lot of paper work, looks up at the man and snaps out "Go into the waiting room, I'll deal with you later!"
Bonus doctor joke:
A doctor calls a man into his office with news on his wife.
"Sir, I have some bad news...the car accident your wife was in was more severe then we thought...she's paralyzed from the neck down...she won't be able to walk ever again...she'll have to re-learn to speak, eat, take liquids, even go to the bathroom. You'll need to take care of her 24 hours a day to make sure not even the slightest thing goes wrong for her..."
The man, shattered, begins to sob hysterically. Suddenly, the doctor begins to laugh, and he slaps the man on the back.
"Aww, I'm just messing with ya, she's dead!"
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2009 17:14:11 GMT -5
Post by CBG on Jan 28, 2009 17:14:11 GMT -5
I had some jokes forwarded via e-mail not long ago, so these aren't originals, but they're damn funny.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And then the fight started....
*******************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'. And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
*******************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
******************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started..... *****************************************************
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2009 20:33:58 GMT -5
Post by Frameous on Jan 29, 2009 20:33:58 GMT -5
Did you hear diarrhea is a genetic disorder?
It runs in your genes.
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2009 21:04:57 GMT -5
Post by Satchmo on Jan 29, 2009 21:04:57 GMT -5
Q: How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Who cares?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to re-shingle a roof? A: It depends on how thin you slice them.
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