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Post by al27 on Mar 24, 2004 15:15:08 GMT -5
I don't have time to wade through the replies, so I hope this wasn't posted yet, but here goes:
Colonel Sanders was looking over the profits of KFC and noticed a huge decline in sales. He had to think of something effective and fast. He calls the pope and asks, "Father, would you consider changing the words of the Lords prayer from 'we thank thee for our daily bread' to 'we thank thee for our daily chicken' if I donated $50,000 to the Vatican?"
The Pope responds, "While your offer is tempting, the word of God is the word of God, what kind of Pope would I be if I changed the Bible?"
Sanders thinks for a while and says, "How about $500,000 if you change it from 'we thank thee for our daily bread' to we thank thee for our daily chicken'?"
The Pope says, "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept."
Colonel Sanders finally says, " 5 million dollars, take it or leave it."
The Pope is silent for quite a while, then tells Colonel Sanders, "I'll think about it."
The next week, the Pope calls all the Cardinals and Bishops in Italy to a meeting. He says, "People, I have good news and bad news, the good news is this: Colonel Sanders is donating 5 million dollars to the Vatican."
Everybody in the room cheers.
The Pope continues, "The bad news is this: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
-al27
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yousonuva
Moderator Emeritus
I'm not insane but I am King of the Universe
Posts: 14,309
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Post by yousonuva on Mar 24, 2004 16:00:46 GMT -5
*Warning* Very old joke everyone will know, but dammit I STILL laugh at the punchline.
There was once a doctor in the old west, who would frequent an indian tribe nearby. One day he went to the teepee of the Big Chief's medicine man, who was quite distraught and said to the doctor "Big problem with Big Chief. He can no fart." The doctor replied "No problem...here take this big can of beans and feed him the whole thing, then he'll fart." and with that he left the tribe. The next day he went to the medicine man to ask how the chief was doing. His reply was "Big chief no fart." "ok" said the doc. "here, give him these two cans to eat today" and left again. Upon his third visit he went to the medicine man. "Big Chief no fart" " Don't worry I brought five cans today. feed him this all in one sitting, he's bound to fart now." and went away. The next day he noticed the medicine man looked a little down. He asked him "What's wrong?" The medicine man looked up at him and weeped "Big fart no chief."
Haha see? see? farts ARE funny
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Post by Gemini Man on Mar 24, 2004 16:06:49 GMT -5
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet golden retriever along for company. One day, the golden retriever starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The golden retriever thinks, "OK, I'm in deep poopie now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the rees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That golden retriever nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the golden retriever saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the golden retriever sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the golden retriever ays......................
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Post by Mr. Atari on Mar 24, 2004 16:50:11 GMT -5
An engaged couple is killed in a car accident and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates. They approach St. Peter and say, "We were really looking forward to getting married, is it okay if we get married in heaven?"
Peter says he has to check and disappears into heaven, leaving the couple standing at the gates.
The day goes by...a couple days go by...a week goes by...a month goes by...six months go by...
Finally Peter returns and says, "Yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple look at each other and the man replies, "You know, while we were waiting, we got to thinking that eternity is a long time to be married. If it doesn't work out, can we get divorced?"
Enraged, Peter answers, "It just took me six months to find a pastor in there, now you want me to go find a lawyer, too?!?"#nosmileys
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Post by marytrobot on Mar 24, 2004 17:27:58 GMT -5
Ok I'm just gonna get all of these blonde jokes out of the way, 1. What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. 2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. 3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home. 4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them. 5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. 7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. 9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!
10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. 13.) A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!" 14.) A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?" 15.) A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22" 16.) How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. 17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. 19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".
21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
23.) Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
24.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
25.) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
26.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. 27.) What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
28.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
29.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
30.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday
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Post by Mr. Atari on Mar 25, 2004 0:34:00 GMT -5
This one is terrible, and terribly old. Sorry.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices that he's the only customer in the place. He asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. Suddenly, he hears a voice. "That's a nice shirt." He looks at the bartender, but the bartender just shakes his head. He hears the voice again, "I like your haircut." He looks around, and sure enough, there's no one else in the bar. "You've got a nice physique. Do you work out?" Finally, he snaps. "Hey, barkeep! Are you some kind of freak or what?" "No sir," said the bartender. "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
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Post by Mr. Atari on Mar 25, 2004 0:34:59 GMT -5
So a termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bartender here?"
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Post by Emperor Cupcake on Mar 25, 2004 19:27:05 GMT -5
There's a very lonely man who has nobody to go drinkin' with, so he decides to get a pet. He goes to the pet store and picks out a little centipede, complete with its own little box. He takes the centipede home and tries to make friends. "Hey, centipede," says the guy, "you wanna come down to the bar and have a drink with me?" The centipede doesn't answer. The guy, thinking the centipede didn't hear him, speaks louder. "I said, hey, centipede, how about coming down to the bar and grabbing a drink with me?" The centipede still doesn't answer. The guy, really upset now, is practically begging. "Come on, centipede, you're my only friend! Won't you please come have a drink with me?" Then the centipede says, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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