Van Hagar (voice over): Tonight on
They’re Cops![Clip 1]
Chief Phantom: Dammit Van Hagar, I’ll have your badge
Van Hagar (in Clint Eastwood voice from now on): If you want my badge so bad, why don’t you marry it?
[Clip 2]
Van Hagar: Ratso, we gotta get LMD and CFF, they’re running drugs on the south side
Ratso: Well I gotta go do something tonight.
[Clip 3]
dASH (seductively): So Ratso, how about you let LMD go, and I’ll give you something in return.
Ratso: Mrs. dASH, are you trying to seduce me?
dASH: No you idiot, I was going to get you vulnerable then kill you. I mean....yes.
Ratso: Sorry babe, I don’t get vulnerable.
[Clip 4]
Van Hagar: Dr. Forrester has killed for the last time.
Ratso: Wait, are we in Homicide, or Narcotics?
Van Hagar: It doesn’t matter, WE’RE COPS!
[Clip 5]
Ratso (looking at Van Hagar’s bullet ridden body):YOUSONUVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Clip 6]
Van Hagar and Ratso are on top of an atomic bomb falling through the sky
Ratso: We’re gonna die!
Van Hagar: Wait, I have a pepcid AC. Everyone knows that pepcid AC and plutonium make jet fuel. All I have to do is make this bomb into an airplane without hitting the detention button.
Ratso: But you missed that episode of MacGyver.
Van Hagar: Yeah. But I TiVoed it.
Ratso: Wait, I always wanted to do this....
Ratso: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WAHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW
[Theme Song Starts]
Ratso and Van Hagar walk into the station
Officer Dark Crow: Hey guys, the chief wants to see you. He doesn’t look too happy
Det. Van Hagar: Yeah, I’ve noticed he’s always like that when he wants to see me. No point in adding it.
Det. Ratso: Van Hagar you gotta calm down, or else the Chief is bust you down to janitorial work.
Det. Van Hagar: Yeah, maybe I’ll get shot into outer space.
Det. Ratso: What does that mean?
Det. Van Hagar: Probably some sort of sexual metaphor.
Van Hagar and Ratso walk into the office, and the chief has his chair turned to them. He turns around, and it’s not Chief Phantom it’s......
NIGHTFALCAWK!
Det. Van Hagar: Nightfalcawk? How’d you get here? Last I heard, you were in an insane asylum I busted you last year.
[Van Hagar Flashback]
Van Hagar and Nightfalcawk are on a roof top as a helicopter.
Van Hagar: Nightfalcawk, come on, put the gun down. I know things look dreary, but you
Nightfalcawk: I hate you, you destroyed me, you lousy bastard, you fat pig, yousounva.....
Van Hagar turned around and shoots yousounva through the chest
Nightfalcawk motions for his gun.
Van Hagar: You think you can take me on? Go ‘head on, it’s your move.
Nightfalcawk reaches for his gun, but Van Hagar quicker on the draw, shoots him and he falls back and off the building. Nightfalcawk screams and then hits the concrete 3000 feet below. He dies on impact.
[Back to The Office]
Chief Nightfalcawk: Yes, I remember. CFF bailed me out of the insane asylum.
Det. Ratso: Yeah, but that doesn’t explain how you became a cop and quickly ascended to the position of chief and replaced phantom.
Chief Nightfalcawk: Yeah, well, my Uncle is the mayor.
Det. Ratso: Oh.
Chief Nightfalcawk: Oh indeed. Now, they’re are going to be some changes around here. I’m breaking you two up. Ratso, you’re now on the MaryTRobot Case and you’re working with Sgt. MacGregor.
Det. Van Hagar: I don’t know what you have planned for me, but I work better alone. You should know that all my partners die, you killed half of them.
Chief Nightfalcawk: No, Van Hagar instead you have to work with Officer Princesstoadstool. She’s a rookie, but she has potential.
Det. Van Hagar: You mean I have to have a woman as my partner? Come on nightie, that’s the oldest cop cliche in the book. Don’t you have someone else I can work with.
Chief Nightfalcawk: Sure, you can work with a blackman (Shaft), an orangutan (Ro-Matt), a small child (Dark Crow), your mother (GoldBootGirl), or a southern gentleman (TomServo69).
TomServo69 (dressed like Col. Sanders): Sir, I say sir. I suggest you pick me if wish to pick the most suitable partner. My, my is it ever warm in here.
Det. Van Hagar: Listen I’m not working with the ******, the monkey, the kid, my mom, or that ***.
TomServo69: Sir, I may speak eloquently, but I assure you, my sexual preferences....
Det. Van Hagar: SHUT UP!
Chief Nightfalcawk: Then Officer Princesstoadstool it is.
Det. Van Hagar begins to walk out of the office.
Chief Nightfalcawk: Oh Van Hagar, I suggest you watch out for falling rocks
Det. Van Hagar looks up
Chief Nightfalcawk: Not literally you retard. It’s a metaphoric statement.
Det. Van Hagar: Do I look like Rosie O’Donnel to you? I’m no retard. I know you and your tricks.
[Flashback]
Nightfalcawk has his hands up, as Det. Van Hagar has a gun pointed at his chest.
Nightfalcawk: Oh Van Hagar, watch out for the Pack of Vicious Crotch Grabbing Dogs.
Det. Van Hagar: What?
Nightfalcawk: Figure of speech.
Det. Van Hagar: Oh
And suddenly a rock falls on top of Van Hagar.
[Back in the Office]
Van Hagar and nightfalcawk suddenly in their food stained undershirts with suspenders holding their pants up, eating, drinking, smoking, playing cards, and laughing.
Det. Van Hagar: ha ha ha ha, we use to be crazy kids.
Nightfalcawk: Yeah, remember the time....
Det. Van Hagar: Sorry nightie, I don’t have time for anymore flashbacks. I gotta go solve crime or some ****.
Det. Van Hagar walks out of the office.
Ratso (voice over): We’ll be back with THEY’RE COPS! Right after this.
[Commercial Break]
NOTE: I got bored and wrote this after watching too many episodes of MacGyver and Hunter back to back on TVLand. I apologize if it sucks.