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Jokes
Dec 29, 2009 18:44:27 GMT -5
Post by Continuing Legend on Dec 29, 2009 18:44:27 GMT -5
What did the psychiatrist say when a naked guy walked in to his office?
"Well, I can see you're nuts."
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Jokes
Dec 29, 2009 20:19:35 GMT -5
Post by mrmeadows on Dec 29, 2009 20:19:35 GMT -5
A doctor gives an old man a jar & asks him to bring back a semen sample. The old man returns the next day with an empty jar. "Sorry doc, I tried with my right & left hand, and nothing. My wife tried with both hands, then her mouth, with her teeth--in AND out--but nothing. We even asked the lady next door, and she tried with her armpit and between her knees...nothing." The doctor looks shocked and asks "You asked your neighbor?!" The old man replies "Yep. And NONE of us could get this damn jar open!"
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 1:02:57 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Feb 7, 2010 1:02:57 GMT -5
A burglar breaks into a house and begins looting the place in the dead of night when suddenly he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you". He looks around frantically for the source of the noise, but finding no one, he procceds back to looting. Seconds later, the voice again says "Jesus is watching you". The burglar flashes his light about the room until it lands on a parrot.
"'ey, mate, did you say that?" asks the burglar.
"Aye, I did" replies the parrot. "Just trying to warn you is all".
"Well....is your name Jesus?" asks the burglar.
The parrot shakes his head and replies "No, I'm Moses."
The burglar scoffs, then replies "What kind of an idiot names a parrot Moses?"
Smirking, the parrot replies "The same person who names a rottweiler Jesus..."
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 1:22:23 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Feb 7, 2010 1:22:23 GMT -5
A man and his wife are out playing golf together. Despite his warnings not too, the wife shanks a shot that breaks the window of a nearby house. Going over to apologize, the man and wife ring the bell, and the door opens and a voice beckons "come in". Walking in, the man and wife find broken glass everywhere, a broken bottle on the floor, and a man sitting on a couch.
"Hey mack, sorry about your window, just tell me the cost and I'll pay for it" the husband says.
"On the contrary, I want to thank you" the man replies, "you see, I'm a genie, I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years, and for freeing me, I'll grant three wishes, one for you, one for your wife, and one for me."
The husband and wife are excited and begin to think of their wishes.
"I wish for a million dollars" the man shouts.
"I wish to own a home in every country" shouts the woman.
"And *I* wish to make love to your wife" the genie states.
The man hesitates for a moment, but then, seeing how generous the genie is being with them, he figures it's the least he and the wife can do. She agrees, and the genie takes the wife upstairs and makes passionate love to her for two hours. At it's conclusion, the genie says "My goodness that was amazing....tell me ma'am, how old are you and your husband?"
"Well....I'm 35....my husband is 37." replies the wife.
At this, the man chuckles and replies "And you two *still* believe in genies?"
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 1:47:29 GMT -5
Post by pups4ever on Feb 7, 2010 1:47:29 GMT -5
What has 7 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 22:21:34 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Feb 7, 2010 22:21:34 GMT -5
What has 7 arms and sucks? Def Leppard Oh booooo, Def Leppard had some decent hits imo.
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 22:32:21 GMT -5
Post by Bix Dugan on Feb 7, 2010 22:32:21 GMT -5
I liked the Genie joke...
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2010 22:41:09 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Feb 7, 2010 22:41:09 GMT -5
I liked the Genie joke... Those dots give me the feeling I took a joke you already posted Bix, is this true, cause I'll edit it if it is.
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2010 13:47:00 GMT -5
Post by mrsphyllistorgo on Feb 9, 2010 13:47:00 GMT -5
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner!
RIP, JD Salinger.
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Jokes
Feb 10, 2010 23:47:51 GMT -5
Post by Emperor Cupcake on Feb 10, 2010 23:47:51 GMT -5
A physics joke I read in a book today:
A traffic cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg's car. Cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
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Jokes
Feb 11, 2010 16:57:57 GMT -5
Post by Continuing Legend on Feb 11, 2010 16:57:57 GMT -5
A physics joke I read in a book today: A traffic cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg's car. Cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know exactly where I am." I love nerdy jokes like this. <3 So..... what did the ghost say to the bee? Boo, bee.
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Jokes
Feb 11, 2010 19:19:29 GMT -5
Post by Bix Dugan on Feb 11, 2010 19:19:29 GMT -5
I liked the Genie joke... Those dots give me the feeling I took a joke you already posted Bix, is this true, cause I'll edit it if it is. No, not at all. I just use ellipses more than I should.
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2010 0:25:42 GMT -5
Post by GProopdog on Nov 6, 2010 0:25:42 GMT -5
A little old Jewish man is picked up in a cab. the cab proceeds to drive a few blocks when suddenly, as the cab stops at a red light, the cabbie and the man notice a girl getting the stuffing beaten out of her by her boyfriend. Looking to help, the cabbie gets out of the cab to subdue the crazy boyfriend. Looking out at the scene before him, the old Jewish man cries out "STOP......STOP........STOP THE METER, PLEASE!"
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2010 13:34:17 GMT -5
Post by falseprofit on Nov 17, 2010 13:34:17 GMT -5
Why'd the old man throw his clock out his window? He wanted to see time fly! ZINGO!
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2010 19:12:54 GMT -5
Post by Crowfan on Nov 17, 2010 19:12:54 GMT -5
What's the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist?
A cyclist rides on something held together by nuts, and a psychiatrist holds nuts together and takes them for a ride.
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